I love Fay Weldon’s books. So I was disappointed and horrified to come across this bit of business.
Telling women not to expect orgasms but to fake them, and to praise their partner lavishly afterwards, is not advice normally associated with a woman who has been in the vanguard of feminism for four decades.
Nevertheless, Fay Weldon gives short shrift to the views for which feminists have fought so bitterly over the years. In her latest book, she not only warns high-flying women that they should expect to end up single, she also suggests that sexual pleasure may be incompatible with high-powered careers and that women should simply accept they are less capable of being happy than men.
I was not aware that my clitoris ceased to function when I got that law degree. And while I am in fact still single, I’m not exactly crying in my coffee over that. Especially when you consider that single women rate higher in happiness than married women, and marriage does a whole lot more for men’s happiness than for women’s. Hell, if I had someone at home who was responsible for my maintenance and upkeep and well-being, I’d be happy, too. I just don’t want to be the one stuck in that role myself, and that’s the lot that wives get in this culture.
And, apparently, maintenance and upkeep of one’s man’s well-being includes faking orgasms rather than actually, you know, speaking up and telling one’s man that whatever he’s doing just isn’t doing it for one, and could he maybe move a bit to the left and not so rough, please?
‘Eighty per cent of women only sometimes – or never – experience orgasm. Facts are facts and there we are. Deal with it,’ she writes in What Makes Women Happy?, to be published this month by Fourth Estate.
According to Weldon, sensible members of the sisterhood should, therefore, follow the example so graphically set by the actor Meg Ryan in the 1989 movie When Harry Met Sally, and fake orgasms whenever necessary.
And when is it necessary to fake it? When speaking up might be bad for the man’s ego, and we know how dainty those are.
‘If you are happy and generous-minded, you will fake it and then leap out of bed and pour him champagne, telling him, “You are so clever” or however you express enthusiasm,’ she says. ‘Faking is kind to male partners … Otherwise they too may become anxious and so less able to perform. Do yourself and him a favour, sister: fake it.’
And look who agrees with her on this!
Weldon has, however, received some praise for her trenchant views. The American feminist Camille Paglia lauded the book and its author for its courage. ‘It’s an important point that the career woman may often end up alone,’ she said. ‘That scenario needs to be put to younger women as they begin making their choices about life.
‘Faking orgasms is not a good idea. But what she’s actually talking about is trying to be supportive of men, whose psyches are delicate and need to be protected. Men have a tremendous drive and are victim to all sorts of self-doubt and it may well be that it’s a wise woman who realises that.’
Yeah, thanks, Camille. We can always count on you for the anti-feminist viewpoint that also has the virtue of being anti-man as well! Because, Christ, how in the hell did men get to be in charge of everything and have a reputation for being tough guys if they fall to pieces when they don’t get enough ego stroking?
At least she agrees that it’s a bad idea to fake orgasms. Hell, that does nobody any good. Not the woman faking the orgasms (aside from the obvious, she doesn’t get a chance to learn what turns her on), not the man (because he not only doesn’t learn what turns her on, but he gets a false idea of what leads to orgasm), and not the next woman he sleeps with, who gets to decide whether it’s worth it to undo the misconceptions he’s got. And all this focus on “performance” is really a euphemism for “he won’t maintain an erection if you don’t throw him a bone and pretend you got off.” Though, last I checked, men’s tongues and hands weren’t susceptible to shrinkage.
As noted in the article, Weldon’s (and Paglia’s) views on career women winding up (presumably unhappily) single are not all that different from the views of Michael Noer. And, again, they boil down to keeping women down by exploiting both women’s fear of being alone and, hence, devalued and men’s fears of being forced to confront the fact that their position in society depends on the absence of a truly level playing field.
And in that respect, faking orgasm is just all of a piece, isn’t it? It lets the man think he never fails and it lets the woman keep the man. Being honest about what works for you in bed — as well as having ambition and not buying into the myth that no man wants a career woman — upsets the apple cart.