In defense of the sanctimonious women's studies set || First feminist blog on the internet

I am not my reproductive organs.

I don’t want to have kids. I don’t need or want to be defined by a biological process and a couple of organs that I don’t even need. Reproductive organs don’t define womanhood, and I am not my ladyregion, and conflating them doesn’t do anyone any good.

Ivanka Trump says that motherhood is “the most important job any woman can have”

Ivanka Trump, trotted out of late as proof that obviously Donald can’t possibly be a misogynist because some of his sperm has X chromosomes in it, has taken to video to tell us all about Donald’s policy proposals for working moms. (It’s the one he only developed because Ivanka herself pushed him to it, saying, “Daddy, daddy, we have to do this!” because nothing says “I respect women” like making your adult daughter sound like Veruca Salt at a campaign stop.) And because we can’t have woman- and family-friendly policies in place just because they’re the right thing to do in our current economy and societal structure, Ivanka had to come right out of the gate telling us that the most important job that any woman can have is mother.

She, her inherited real estate job, her clothing company, and her nanny speak directly from the heart.

So I, my freelance job, my sporadic blog writing, and my two largely self-sufficient dogs will do the same.

Friday Hypocrisy Link Dump: Ashley Madison edition

Hey, what goes on in a person’s bedroom is their own damn business, and the number of people wittingly or unwittingly invited into a couple’s relationship is also their own damn business. (My personal feeling is that honesty is the best policy, but you do you.) (Or other people, if that’s your thing. Like I said, not my business.) That said, if you’re going to actively fight against marriage equality on account of family values, and claim that it will result in the collapse of traditional marriage and the destruction of families, it helps to have your own marriage on the up and up. It definitely helps to not turn over your credit card information and personal profile to a site dedicated to helping people have affairs like some kind of extramarital OK Cupid. Especially when that site is vulnerable to hacking and massive data dumps.

Kids in Public: And Thus Have I Provided You a Definitive List of Rules

[Content note: a topic that’s been discussed to hell and back and yet is being discussed back to hell again because this is my blog and I get to]

It’s happened again. Again. It’s always going to happen, and it’s always going to spur debate: A couple brought a kid to a restaurant, the kid was noisy, there was an exchange of some level of vehemence between the restaurant owner and the parents, and everyone has flipped out.

Quick hit: We Bought a Huge Effing House, and Now We Can’t Afford More Kids

An Elle Decor essayist has come out with a horrible confession: She and her husband sacrificed a child to buy their dream home.

(How awesome would it be if that were the actual story? “Our realtor didn’t mention the fiery, bottomless hellpit in the basement into which we have to throw a small child at the peak of the new moon to keep our mortgage rate low. She said it was a walk-in wine closet.”)

Love Wins: Same-sex marriage is legal in all 50 states

Today, the U.S. Supreme Court passed down its ruling on the question of same-sex marriage: By a 5-4 decision, states are required to license same-sex marriages and to honor marriages of same-sex couples from other states. Their ruling in Obergfell v. Hodges calls on the Fourteenth Amendment’s preservation of fundamental liberties and equal protection for all citizens.

Kids, consent, and hugging Grandma whether you want to or not

When it comes to kids and hugs, I fall strongly, strongly on the side of “only if they want to.” I’m a hugger under many circumstances, and the U.S. Deep South certainly encourages it. That said, I’m not an indiscriminate hugger, and even as an adult woman I resent being expected to submit to hugs when I don’t want to as a condition of friendliness, or because the hugger is old/”harmless”/etc.

Apologies, Explanations, and Temporary Sign-Off

Trigger warning: pregnancy-related health emergencies

Hello all,

I’m really, really sorry I dropped off the face of the earth. I didn’t mean to. At first it was just an unfortunate concatenation of events (somebody should organize an F/SF con called CONcatenation, don’t you think?)–the site went down for a few days, I went away to a conference, etc. This happened right around the time I hit the third trimester, and the third trimester of pregnancy was really kicking my ass: I was going to sleep at 8 or 9 in the evening, even after taking a two-hour nap in the afternoon (I know, tough life, your hearts go out to me). I was starting to re-organize my routine and had hopes of getting on top of shit when this week just blew the legs out from under me.

On Monday, I experienced a very frightening placental abruption–it was the most terrifying thing I’ve ever gone through, there was so much blood. I had to go straight to the hospital, and while I and the baby are all right and eventually the bleeding subsided, they’re keeping me here until I deliver the baby. We’re hoping I make it to early June, which will be 37 weeks, so that the baby will be full-term. That’s not so far away, after all, so I have hopes that there will be no further incident. You’d think that being here would give me all the time in the world to catch up on stuff, but what I’m finding is that I’m so emotionally exhausted and changeable day by day (one day I’m fine and perky; the next I’m literally shaking as I think about how frightening Monday was; then I’m fine again; then I’m weeping and homesick) that I just can’t focus well enough even to read the news and essays I need to read to write a decent post, let alone write one. So I’m capitulating. I will try to start posting again in mid-July or so, provided all goes well (knock wood).

I am grateful for any number of things–there’s sheer luck: I wasn’t taking care of my godchildren when the bleeding started, so I could get directly into a cab without having to worry about childcare; it was 11 in the morning, so there was literally no traffic. I have an amazing doctor who’s affiliated with an excellent hospital, so I am very grateful to be here, and I’m very grateful that they’re keeping me here, because I’m in Brooklyn and the hospital is quite far away, and of course the fear about going home would be what if it happens again and I can’t get there in time? The person I was with when it started and the taxi driver who came to pick me up were both wonderful. And of course, I am in a good position vis-a-vis insurance, which is a sick and barbaric feature of this country that anybody should have to think about it during an emergency, but there it is, we do, and I didn’t have to think about it–I could just go straight to the hospital. I have family and friends coming to see me every day.

People talk about how bored I must be in the hospital for weeks, but I am welcoming the boredom: it is infinitely preferable to the fear.

Another thing I’m grateful for is that I was rejected by the Brooklyn Birthing Center. I volunteered at a birthing center about fifteen years ago, and have always been intrigued by feminist ideas of “reclaiming” childbirth. When I found out I was pregnant, I called the Brooklyn Birthing Center, told them a little about the pregnancy, my age, and the medications I was on and asked if they would take me on, and they said, with barely a pause “Absolutely not.” I was irritated at the time, but clearly they were taking my health much more seriously than I was, and because they stuck to the straight and narrow in their protocols, I’m at a world-class hospital with a doctor I know and like and have a good relationship with. I kind of want to send them a thank-you note. My best friend says this is why she doesn’t trust birthing centers; I said it makes me trust that one even more, because they knew to say no to me. Just an anecdote.

Anyway, I’m sorry for my absence, I miss the convos here very much. I hope to see you all again, so to speak, in a couple months.

One Alabama lawmaker proposes just getting the courts out of the marriage business

With Alabama’s recent, brief, chaotic attempt at marriage equality in mind, Republican Sen. Greg Albritton has proposed Senate Bill 377 to “bring order out of chaos,” he says. Under the proposed law, which passed the Senate Judiciary Committee in April, the probate’s office would no longer issue marriage licenses — in fact, couples wouldn’t need licenses at all to get married.