In defense of the sanctimonious women's studies set || First feminist blog on the internet

Happy International Talk Like a Pirate Day

Today is so piratey that all the children in Ethan’s school were asked to dress like pirates. I put him in a bandana and a second-hand pirate hat. He was thrilled.

“Mama, how’s my hat?”
“You mean, ‘How’s me hat?'”
“Mom. Stop it.”

Maybe it’s just me.

I hope someone finds this as amusing as I do: a brief explanation of feminismby a pirate.

“Feminist” can simply mean that ye be an advocate for equal starboards for women Someone sayin’ “I advocate equal starboards for women” or the related thought that “I would like t’ be judged based on me merit, not me gender” does not necessarily lead t’ the conclusion that they will make ye spell “women” funny, be workin’ toward the destruction o’ the nuclear family, or feel that women be better than men. AAARRGGHHH!

See also: the Corsair Ergonomic Keyboard for piratical bloggers.

Teen Pregnancy Rate Drops

For the 12th year in a row. Good work. The birth rate among single women has gone up — which some consider a bad thing, and make ridiculous statements about. Example A: Bridget Maher, from the Family Research Council, who “said another possible reason for the higher birth rate among single women is that they depend too much on contraception instead of abstinence to prevent pregnancy. Maher added, ‘Behavioral change — and not pharmaceuticals — will solve this problem.”‘

But who says it’s a problem?

Many researchers link the rise in the number of births to single women to an increase in unmarried cohabitation, later-in-life marriage and an increase in childbearing by older, single women, according to the Times. NCHS researcher and report author Stephanie Ventura said that because the number of births to teens has decreased, the increase in the number of births to single women is occurring among women ages 20 and older.

Many single women are now choosing to have children without being married. Is that necessarily a bad thing? The ideal situation for a lot of women may be the husband and the baby, but a lot of others either may not have the husband or may not want one (and there are certainly a lot who have a same-sex partner instead). I don’t think telling women in their 20s and 30s that they should toss out their pills and be abstinent will be very successful.

I’m Not Your Sister

I wouldn’t say I’m better than you, Andrea, but since you did…

While we’re on the subject, one of her commenters says:

I’ve been following the argument with amusement. Any fool can see that you weren’t targeting her son. She hadn’t even made an appearance in the thread at that point. It was pure ego on her part to think that you even knew she was another blogger at the site

That’s funny. When Andrea and I get into a shit-slinging match on another blog, in which I dropped out of the argument to let Andrea play by her lonesome (as usual), and the subject of my biracial son comes into play as a core reason why I pay very close attention to race issues, Andrea decides to bring it up again by calling Ethan “quadriracial” and making fun of my concern for race-based discrimination that I have witnessed and detailed at length.

In detail she says:

Oh dear—you have attacked the delicate, sensitive female feminists at Feministe. Expect a puff-alanche of snippy comments from Proud Singlemom Womyn™ demanding Culturally Diverse communities in which they can safely raise their quadriracial children in a non-violent, non-misogynistic, secular atmosphere where they won’t have to hear about icky male phallic things like War!, Jesus, and rednecks in pickup trucks.

Womyn? Really? Don’t get all dumb on me, Andrea, when I think your bitchiness is halfway rooted in intelligence. I don’t know how anyone can bag on culturally diverse communities that see the critical value in her vile statements as much as they value all the vileness of mine. No, she didn’t know nothin’ ’bout me and mine. No.

Smarmy is as smarmy does. But yeah, you attack kids, you’re fucked up — that’s authentic right-wing hate right there, baby.

She’s only giving me traffic with her half-hearted defense of whatever it is she’s defending, so thanks for the link, hon.

A Shoelace, A Bike, and Finally A Piano

I made the mistake of falling asleep at 9pm this evening, waking up from my apparent nap at 11:30. I’m wide awake and it’s way too late to do much other than watch infomercials or blog.

Thus let me take a moment to brag. In the last two weeks, Ethan learned to

  • tie his own shoes,
  • play the piano, and
  • ride his bike.

This evening I took him out to a walking/riding path so he could show off his new biking skills that Grandma taught him. In the beginning he couldn’t start himself off — I had to hold the bike up while he pushed of and got his feet situated on the pedals. At the end of the half-hour, he could start and stop with little difficulty.

The most lovably painful part was watching him, his little bike and little body, wobble all over the path and into a double stroller pushed by a very concerned mom. Every once in awhile he would stop the bicycle to assess his shoelace situation, climb off the bike, and retie his shoes with a look of severe concentration.

My baby’s growin’ up.

Since Ethan has started taking piano lessons, I finally had a decent excuse to move my piano from the parents’ house to my own.

Piano Keys

This beauty is a Roland electric piano that I got for my sixteenth birthday. Until this point I had played on an antique, hand-me-down upright bought for my oldest uncle. The old piano is at least eighty years old, with a broken pegboard, still situated in my parents’ dining room. The switch of instruments was enormous for me — going from an actual instrument with strings and hammers to an electric version with weighted keys — but I took off soon enough and was pleased that I knew what the songs were supposed to actually sound like instead of imagining the songs on the out-of-tune upright. Then again, I missed the upright.

One little-known fact about me: I can play Stairway To Heaven on the piano. I learned that lame party trick on the old upright.

Growing up, my piano influences apart from the classical masters were the Gershwins and Tori Amos (much respect for the lady, but I’m over her music after years and years of replay). There was something that Tori said that has always stuck somewhere in the deep recesses of my brain: Each instrument is different. You must approach each instrument with respect. Listen for the differences and play to them.

As I grew older and began to discover my penchant for low-fi music I would return to the old upright, a family heirloom, and play certain songs on it, songs that didn’t sound right on the infintely, perfectly tuned Roland. I thought of my grandfather and how pleased he was that his granddaughters learned to play, my parents who would occasionally request songs by yelling through the house, and perhaps my future sons and daughters and how I wanted them to take on my love of music.

Piano or no piano, Ethan has definitely inherited my love of music. Yesterday he requested that I make him a CD to take along in the car. The quick CD I made included AC/DC, Queen, and Skynyrd, songs that he already knows and loves and sings along to in the backseat. (Parenthood is nothing if you haven’t heard your child singing along to Hell’s Bells.) For some reason, music has always meant family to me, something that I have consciously passed along. Maybe it’s the thirteen years of lessons, the generations of old sheet music I have inherited, learning to play the songs that I knew my mother, my father, my sisters, and my grandfather loved so much. Hearing today that my mother told my boyfriend that she wished I would play again, that I once played beautifully.

Cry/Smile

Ethan’s father, too, got an electric piano for Ethan to learn on. With our crazy custody schedule Ethan will have to practice at both our houses. Having similar instruments will help in the beginning, though there is something in me that wishes he too could learn to play on that old, broken instrument.

One day, I hope to have that old piano.

I set up the Roland in our little house this afternoon and sat down to play, trying to shake the rustiness from my inflexible fingers. The boyfriend sat down on the couch and looked through the piles and piles of cheesy sheet music, requesting everything from Desperado to the Muppets theme song to Horse With No Name, but I turned to my old favorites, dragging out fragile pages of forty-year-old sheet music and my deceased grandfather’s thirty-year-old issues of Sheet Music magazine. Bach’s fugues, Chopin, Singin’ in the Rain, the Gershwins, jazz and blues standards, Joplin, La Vie En Rose, Jerome Kern, Cry, Smile, Tenderly.

I tried to play, cursing through every song, stop and start and retry, all of it slowly coming back to me, but jilted and screwy. It will take awhile for the five years without practice to be undone. When it was time for me to go pick up Ethan from his afternoon at his dad’s, I stood up from the piano and suveyed the room, furniture akimbo to make room for the piano. For the first time, my house truly felt like my home.

Related: If you too are interested in vintage music, scroll down this page to a slew of links to old sheet music available for fair use. For example, can you tame wild wimmen? And, Eve wasn’t modest ’til she ate that apple. That old apple was to blame.

Back to (Slut) School

Her title, not mine.

As if we didn’t have enough reasons to dislike the Independent Women’s Forum, head anti-feminist wingnut Charlotte Allen quotes and links to a long rant about how girls are being turned into little prostitutes by the kids clothing departments.

Lingerie, size 6x, with a ‘back to school’ sign on it.

When did ‘toy’ lipstick become bright red and start lasting all day? Why would a six-year-old child need to carry a purse to school? Why is there makeup in it? Why does she know how to use it?

There are clothes in the little girls’ department that nobody would buy except Brooke Shields’ mother in “Pretty Baby.” Except. . . somebody’s mother IS buying them, and probably thinking “doesn’t she look pretty” in them.

Picture poor sleazed-up exploited JonBenet. That little girl breaks my heart.

Tiny little girls, wearing makeup and boobless versions of adult slinkwear. What kind of mother dresses her child like a bimbo?

Because that’s what these little girls look like, you know, when their mothers layer them oh-so-carefully in slinky satin underwear, croptops, hiphuggers (before they even have hips!) skirts that barely cover the subject, fishnet stockings, and HEELS. On a little child who has RECESS to deal with!

(I see London, I see France. . . .remember when the playground was the only place you could hear that?)

What is going through these mothers’ minds when they buy this sexy stuff for a seven-year-old child? Why don’t more schools forbid it? I don’t believe in censorship but clothing a little girl in Victoria’s Secret and sleaze is NOT right.

Come on, people. Please don’t send your tiny little girl to school in clothes that advertise something she doesn’t even know about yet. Dress her like a child, not a whorehouse intern.

Hooker with a Dora lunchbox. What’s wrong with this picture?

Now. Ask me what I think about beauty pageants for little children. Because they tell us more about the poor little kid’s mother than about anything else, don’t they.

That’s right. Call little girls sluts, and then blame mom.

Now, I agree that highly sexualized clothing is innapropriate for children. But is this the way we go about dealing with it? How about asking, “What is going on in our culture when we start sexualizing little girls?” Calling girls sluts because they dress a particular way isn’t going to accomplish much.

What To Do About Statutory Rape

I sure as hell don’t know how such issues should be dealt with, but this story is indeed disturbing. Girl, 12, starts dating man, 20. At 14, she gets pregnant and they get married. She was in eighth grade. He was 24.

Now, will it do any good at this point to lock the guy up? No, it probably won’t. In fact, it’ll probably just make it harder on the 14-year-old child who is now at home with a newborn baby. But this relationship is obviously, um, problematic. I’m not trying to be judgmental here, but I’m pretty sure that when a 12-year-old and a 20-year-old are in a sexual relationship (or a business relationship, or any relationship), there’s going to be an inherent power differentiation, and a serious issue of judgment and maturity (on the 12-year-old’s part by simply being 12, and on the 20-year-old’s part for having sex with a child).

I’ve said before that I think it’s important to let women make their own decisions, and to let them be their own moral agents. I’ve also said that being of minor age should not strip someone of their right to their own body. I certainly stand by those statements. But where does statutory rape come in — particularly the more extreme kind, like this? Thoughts?

One Nation Under God

This afternoon when I picked Ethan up from school, his teacher turned from a conversation she was having with another mother, pulled me aside and asked a question. “Did you tell Ethan not to say the pledge?”

“I told him it was his choice,” I said. “Why?”

“Well, it doesn’t matter to me if he says the pledge or not, but he has to be respectful when the other kids do.”

“I spoke to him about that. How was he disrespectful?”

“He had his arms crossed.”

“Did he do anything else?” I asked. The other mom looked at me warily.

“No.”

I hesitated for a moment. “Clearly our versions of ‘respect’ are different, but I’ll speak to Ethan about that.”

Last week when Ethan started kindergarten, I was concerned about a great number of things, one of which was him knowing that no matter what any authority or law says, his rights do not stop at the school doors. When a friend reminded me that all Indiana children in public schools have to stand and recite the pledge every day at school to an American flag whose presence is mandated in every classroom, I made a point of discussing this with Ethan, simply to let him know that he had a choice of whether or not to stand with his classmates and make a pledge he certainly doesn’t understand.

I explained it as simply as possible without even touching on the religious complaints against the pledge. Our country is at war overseas, I told him, and some people with a lot of power believe that saying the pledge will make us love our country more and support the war. But, I told him, I think it’s silly to think that a pledge will make us love our country when there are plenty of other things to be grateful for, and just so you know, Mama doesn’t support the war. You can say the pledge if you want to, but it is your choice. No one can make you say it and no one can make you not say it.

I don’t care about “under God.” I care that my child is being asked to conform to an ideal he knows nothing about.

Ethan asked further about the war and I explained as best as I could, reminding him of all the stories Mama watches on the news. It’s a huge concept for a child to wrap his mind around. I answered his questions as best as I could at his level and reassured him that he could decide at any point to say or not say the pledge, and then could change his mind if he wanted to. This is precisely the point about religion that I have pressed on him over time: his choice. In this case the Pledge of Allegiance feels too much like a prayer of political indoctrination “encouraged” by lawmakers for me to feel comfortable to let it go. And finally, I told him that if anyone gives him any crap to refer them to me. I’d handle it.

I was miffed by the teacher, who is by all accounts a wonderful educator (and Ph.D.), but had to take into account all sides. No matter her views, her views are disregarded and part of her state-mandated curriculum is to teach children how to say the pledge and to make time for it every morning. Further, my views and Ethan’s choice could concern other children and parents. On the way out of school I asked Ethan about it. What did she say?

“She said I have to be respectful.”

“How?”

“She said I can’t cross my arms.”

“Well, next time why don’t you just put your hands in your pockets and stand with the rest of the kids if you don’t want to say the pledge.”

“I can’t. She said I have to stand like this.” Ethan put his arms stiffly at his sides and stood, to my dismay, like a little soldier. Perhaps I was reading into things. I reassured him that it was okay, it is his choice. My five-year-old son is no soldier, too young to be a patriot.

Commune

Tomorrow the school year starts for yours truly, the last semester of my undergrad years if I manage to eke out without too many mistakes or bluffs. I am so grateful to go up north and visit with friends this weekend before the dreaded semester begins.

My friend, coolest single mom alive, invited over a bunch of other single moms on Friday night. We sat around chatting about all sorts of family, work, and personal issues while the kids played and dumped an entire can of parmesean on their bowls of spaghetti.

Saturday we headed off for her boyfriend’s parents’ mansion (technical term since they only live there watching the mansion for a world-travelling playboy) and spent the next seven hours soaking in their massive swimming pool. I mean, the mansion had it’s own island. The entire house was filled to the brim with enormous fossils, hunks of jade that easily weigh 500 lbs., and beautiful, original artwork. For someone as unimpressed by massive displays of wealth as I am, you could, perhaps, color me impressed. The art will get me every time.

We also managed to go thrifting, hitting up numerous stores for cheap items. I picked up a few trashy nightgowns, some pool toys for the kids, and a 3/4 length jacket that looks like it belongs in a blaxploitation movie. Me and Pam Grier! Like sisters! I digress.

The most important thing was that Ethan and I had a blast. Chances are, this semester won’t afford the kind of time or money to enjoy ourselves like that for awhile. Part of my good time was the ability to commune with other single parents. I simply don’t know many here, and most of the single parents I know are either busy as hell or trying to bootstrap their ways into or out of drug addictions.

I need more true peers and I know it.