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Weekend Reads

Patricide: Two Mommies
That Colored Fella: Demanding Reparations from the Lefty Blogosphere
Half-Changed World: Why I Oppose Private Social Security Accounts, subtitled, “Holy Shit, A Woman Writes About Social Security”
How To Turn Your Red State Blue
Frogs and Ravens: The Threat of the Willful Child
Army Of Mom: Old Flames
SistersTalk: Racist Chicago Firefighters Exam (in response to LaShawn Barber)
Unimpressed: You Mean It Really *Was* All About Oil?! and The Ridiculousness of the “Consent” Defense To Rape
Burningbird: I Murdered My Father
Rad Geek: El Pueblo Unido Jamás Será Vencido!
Unscrewing the Inscrutable: Ve Didn’t Stot Der Fier
Language Log: Saying More With Less and Tidy-Whiteys
The Everlasting Phelps: The Down and Dirty On Skidmarks (see the part on “farticles”)

I don’t know about the “magical” bit, but:

HASH(0x8e3bb40)
You are Lisa (from Weird Science)! Sexy and magical, you either charm the pants off everyone, or make them crap their pants in fear. Either way, you rule.

Which John Hughes Character Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

This blog, where I got the quiz above, may very well be the cutest blog layout ever.

UPDATE: Language Log revisits “tidy-whities” in Underwear Sociolinguistics.

Thwarted

Plans for the day were thwarted when I decided to slice my left hand open in myraid ways: knife, tin can, nail clippers. Too many band-aids to knit, clean, or type.

Maybe I’ll nap –can’t hurt myself too badly while sleeping.

Where’s The Party At?

Took a break from cleaning the kitchen to sit down at the computer with a cup of coffee. I opened up by bloglines account and took a look at what’s going on at Alternet. The first article that shows up is titled “Where’s the Party At?

One of my best friend’s mothers is a Toastmaster. Every time I went over to her house as a teen, she good-naturedly corrected our grammar, specifically if she overheard sentences like, “Where are they at?” A shrill answer would float in from the adjoining room: “Right before the at!”

Years later, when the group 702 released their single “Where My Girls At?” I bristled and grit my teeth. Your girls are right before the at. Same with the Democratic party, Alternet. The party is right before the at.

With my mood today, Alternet should be glad they didn’t get a certified letter of complaint.

Basketball and a Bad, Bad Mood

I’m in a sour mood today, therefore holing myself up in the house and making some garbage soup. Fresh okra is available this time of year, and that’s one thing that makes the soup so damn good. That and the tobasco sauce.

I’ll also be working on Clapotis, cleaning house, and drinking coffee even though I practically gave it up months ago. Pablo also informs me that his litter box needs emptied (he must have learned to read, write, and type when I was out last night – and with such good grammar!).

On days like this my mood requires a quarantine. It may very well be contagious.

In the meantime, read about feminist conflict over Jerry Falwell’s Liberty University women’s basketball team becoming part of the Sweet Sixteen. Roni sent me this story, but being no sports expert have very little to say on the subject. Roni says,

So a man who hates feminists, hates political correctness, and rejects socialism was seen sitting courtside and cheering on his women’s basketball team. Talk about Twilight Zone.

Remember Title IX, anyone?

There is also an interesting discussion taking place at Women’s Hoops regarding (presumably) anti-feminist women taking advantage of feminist advancements in athletics. Women’s Hoops is a very cool site that talks about everything from women in basketball to athletic politics to Title IX.

Dr. B weighs in as well on the subject with Women’s Sports and Sexuality.

Baby Mama

Feministing highlights this mother-blaming USA Today article on Fantasia “American Idol (I Broke My Shoe)” Barrino’s new single “Baby Mama.”

Vanessa says:

Barrino won the ridiculously popular karaoke contest last year, and felt it was appropriate to give single mothers — like herself — their own personal anthem in her new album, Free Yourself. Yet the song, while quickly climbing up the Billboard R&B chart, has (unsurprisingly) received more criticism than praise.

For example, this article in USA Today scrutinizes the song. The author gives numerous statistics on single-parent households as her proof, claiming that the media shouldn’t be portraying a woman’s “poor choice” as a “badge of honor.” (In the song, Fantasia says single mothers should have one.)

The song brings up a number of different issues that many single mothers have to deal with, including the shittiness of the welfare system and struggles with employment. I may just be a sucker, but I started tearing up when I heard the song for the first time. Single mothers are stigmatized enough as deviants, continuously shamed for their own “poor choices” and blamed for their economic struggle. The general theme of the song seems to totally subvert that idea. To me, this song is quite due.

Speaking as a single mother, I don’t need any badge of honor.

I get two primary responses when others speak to my single parenthood. The first is quite like the one portrayed by the author of the USA Today article. You made poor choices, they say. Is the daddy still around? My choice not to marry, though it was offered to me, was in the end a good one for everyone involved. Yet my single status is, for some, a reflection of poor morals and lack of character.

This is all projection. I don’t believe a whit of it, even if it is taxing at times to feel the initial compulsion to prove something or someone wrong. But shit, I’m busy. There’s laundry to do. Is it bath night? Damn paper due tomorrow. Not enough time to worry about someone else’s dearth of insight.

The other response I get, which is nearly as tiresome, is faux awe. I don’t know how you do it! It must be so hard!

Again, I’m busy. The litterbox needs emptying. I want to write about something. It’s time to read a book to the boy. I don’t think about how hard or not hard my job is as a single parent unless I slow down long enough to reflect on the lack of funds and manpower around the household. This is the way things are. If I don’t take care of these responsibilities, no one else will, so I’d best get on with it and find some time for myself along the way.

The song subverts the memes apparent in the first reaction listed above: Single mothers do pay the bills, do go to school, do hold jobs, and do raise thoughtful and responsible children. Some of us do it virtually by ourselves and the rest of us rely on a complicated network of friends, family, and structural resources to get by. But success stories aren’t controversial and sexy. You don’t hear about us very often.

Instead you’ll find a load of tripe about how chicks who get “knocked up” must “pay the consequences” for such “poor choices,” like our children are nothing but a negative consequence and couldn’t possibly bring joy or laughter to our lives despite the various hardships. In some cases, you’ll find that single motherhood is regarded as un-American (as is, apparently, the use of an American dialect known as AAVE).

As a single mother I don’t believe I need any badge of honor, but I can do without the proselytizing and admonishment, thank you very much. There is enough of that in the mainstream media, and criticism of single parenthood, especially teen parenthood, is often couched in satire or other brands of humor that, obviously, rarely brings the funny. In the meantime the rest of the media puts on the scare show and ignores that family structures apart from the heterosexual couplings, 2.5 children, white picket fence, and yappy dog, can be and are valuable. Laudable, even.

The article says,

Indeed, women should not selfishly allow the desire to procreate overshadow their ability to care for a child. We must be committed to giving our children fathers who are responsible, supportive and present.

Some of us didn’t get pregnant out of desire, but of circumstance. We have no guarantee that any father (or mother) we choose for our children will be responsible, supportive, or present. A wedding ring doesn’t do much to change that risk either.

Sometimes relationships don’t work. Sometimes people leave for good reasons. Single parenthood is not disastrous. Research “confirming” that single parenthood is disastrous seeks to validate assertions of immoral behavior instead of exploring the evidence, evidence showing that poverty is the primary reason that single parents experience more “failure” in their parenting, than the lack of a second adult figure in the home. Simply stated, two paychecks bring more opportunity to children than one paycheck, but marriage alone does not guarantee economic stability.

Of course my situation is not ideal. But chances are, your parents’ marriage wasn’t ideal, your marriage isn’t ideal, and your children’s marriage won’t be ideal either. Ideal is “a hypothetical construct made up of the salient features or elements of a social phenomenon, or generalized concept, in order to facilitate comparison and classification of what is found in operation.” In other words, ideal is hypothetical, sibling to perfect. If fresh two-parent families prove to follow the statistical model, about 50% of them will find themselves single parents as well. Whether or not this is a disaster depends on your worldview.

Instead of shaming single parents for the audacity to have children, remember that we all got here in myriad ways, none of which are so easily characterized in a list of statistics devoid of subjectivity or context printed in USA Today.

The song “Baby Mama” is downloadable via BearShare and is, in my opinion, mediocre R&B. Nonetheless, thanks to Fantasia for the thought.

Related Reading:
Drive-By Mothering and Parent As Outsider
I Was a Teen Mom
Defining Family
Third Wave Agenda’s “Single moms making ‘poor choices’

Tattooing and the Ideal Female Body

No pictures; don’t ask.

Kameron Hurley points out this Livejournal thread on tattooing and the ideal female body:

This past weekend, the Women’s Studies department at my university held a conference, and one of the presenters read a paper that she’d written about the female tattooed body. She talked about some historical aspects of tattooing and how she believes that tattooing has been co-opted by mainstream culture and has therefore lost a lot of its spiritual meaning. She also commented on how because tattooing has traditionally been viewed as a male-only venture, women who do get tattoos feel compelled to:

a) get a tattoo with traditionally “feminine” imagery; e.g. a flower or a butterfly
b) get a tattoo that can be easily concealed, e.g. on the lower back, so as not to compromise femininity

I’ve noticed that this is largely true, and I found the paper quite interesting. While many women may not explicitly be choosing tattoos based on this reasoning, it seems like women, when considering tattoo designs and placement, have really been influenced by what society expects a woman’s body to look like.

For the record, I call those small-of-the-back tattoos butt-staches, visual kin to the moustache. Also known as ass-toppers.

Having had reasonably close ties to the local body modification community from adolesence onward, I must say I generally agree with these points. However, I don’t find it much of a stretch to say that the vast majority of people who get tattoos and piercings have little to no appreciation or knowledge about the history and art of bodily modification. Those who find themselves outside of this community tend to get the requisite bellybutton piercing or butterfly tattoo. It is rare to find a person with a large, obvious tattoo who a) is not well-informed of the depth of body mod culture, or b) got it for intensely personal reasons.

My own tattoo is indeed rather feminine and in a place where it is easily hidden for professional consideration, but it is also much larger than the average bear’s. Anyhow, I can’t speak for most women on this point because I got my tattoo for explicitly feminist reasons.

When I was pregnant, I suffered from the delusion that once the boy was born my body would just “snap back,” that the day he was born I would be back to my flat-bellied, pre-pregnancy eighteen-year-old body. One night shortly before the illness took over and labor was induced, I was reading “The Girlfriend’s Guide to Pregnancy.”

This book should be burned, not because it contains inaccurate information or anything of the sort, but because one of the very last chapters of the book — the chapter following all those other chapters that tells the mother-to-be that she is beautiful, glowing, healthy, goddess-like, etc. — is titled “The Ol’ Grey Mare Just Ain’t What She Used To Be.” Ouch.

This chapter is the one that finally informs the pregnant woman in question that she will

  1. Always have stretchmarks,
  2. Have droopy breasts no matter if she breastfeeds or not, and
  3. Will probably never get back to her pre-pregnancy shape unless she indulges in an obscene amount of plastic surgery.

This coming from a former Playboy playmate. Thanks a lot, lady.

I remember reading this chapter and breaking into hysterics. The tears are probably attributable to the third trimester hormone rampage, but I chose to hold onto my belief that all it would take was a diet and some exercise to “get my body back.”

Needless to say, I never “got it back,” but not for lack of trying. I developed an unhealthy preoccupation for diet and exercise, sometimes starving myself and sometimes exercising to excess. I got down to my lowest weight ever, but did not look like I did before. I don’t know if I would go so far as to say that I had an eating disorder. All it took to reform myself was a conscious change in attitude and the first taste of real mayonaisse in two years. Good god, that mayo.

Despite my reform away from the self-inflicted abuse, I resented my inability to reverse the toll pregnancy had taken on my body and took it out on the other young women around me wearing skimpy clothing all summer long, while I settled with jeans, t-shirts, and bras big and pointy enough to put Marilyn to shame.

One day I decided I had had enough with the resentment and shame and disappointment about my body. Once I realized I would never have the ideal female body, and that I had never had the ideal female body, I felt the need to do something to “get my body back.” I needed to make it mine — not my son’s, not my partner’s, not some stranger’s. Mine. I stopped pining over the ideal that never was and never would be and settled on making myself into my own ideal.

Within the month, I took the money I had scrounged from spare change and set aside for a possible future vacation and put it toward my new tattoo. I was done honoring the bodily expectations of others.

The night I came home from getting the outline done, an eight-hour session I should add, I pained over the web of hardening scabs across my back, slept on my stomach, and bitched all the sleepless night about my aching kidneys. But when I woke up the next morning, I went to shower and, shocked, stopped dead in front of the mirror. I looked at myself in a way I hadn’t in a very long time: beautiful.

Such was the beginning of the long journey to self-love. But better.

Today the tattoo feels like less of an anomaly and more like a part of myself that should have always been there. Before I got the tattoo, my skin, my visual self, was a text always in need of a good edit. Swipe off a paragraph here, add some descriptive language there, in need of a better introduction or a more polished end. Now, instead of the constant self-criticism that plagues many and once plagued me, I have a beloved visual reminder of the value of accepting one as he or she is.

That’s as good a reason as any to submit to some ink.

On my other tattoo: Stars.

Bird Watching

Never let it be said that cats are not good with children. E and Pablo hang out together every day, especially bird and rabbit watching out the window in Ethan’s room. Pablo and Ethan regularly seek one another out for company and attention.

Last week, I found Pablo laying on a great big pile of paper, all of which turned out to be notes to Pablo written by Ethan, saying, “I Love You Pabby.” The cat seemed quite pleased to sit atop his paper love nest.

I’ve never seen a cat respond to a child this way, hence one reason why my cat kicks such royal ass.

Such pride in my little family.

Friday Random Ten – The Kink in the Feeding Tube Edition

Putting my poor sense of humor on display. If you don’t know what the title of this post means, get the Terri Schiavo Status Update Firefox plugin.

If it’s midnight somewhere, it’s time for the Friday Random Ten: Load all your mp3s into your player of choice, set to random, list the first ten that play. This game suitable for people who like lists.

1) Belle and Sebastian – Your Cover’s Blown
2) Beastie Boys – Paul Revere
3) Ramones – Sheena Is a Punk Rocker
(Funny — according to The Cramps, Sheena’s in a goth gang.)
4) Lady Sovereign – Sad Arse Stripper
5) Sean Lennon – Happiness
6) Smokey Robinson & the Miracles – The Tracks Of My Tears
7) Norman Greenbaum – Spirit In the Sky
8) Peaches – Shake Yer Dix
9) Scorpions – Rock You Like a Hurricane
10) Mohammed Rafi – Kya Hua Tera Wada

And an extra five just for the above tastelessness:
11) Madvillain – Sickfit
12) David Bowie – Bring Me the Disco King
13) Petshop Boys – Go West
14) Talking Heads – Same As It Ever Was
15) Har Mar Superstar – Baby, Do You Like My Clothes?

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