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Creepy Dads

Jill

Yuck. Purity balls are bad enough; purity balls in which the girls don’t even talk while the fathers explore their narcissistic fantasies of “protecting” their helpless daughters by crossing swords (hello, phallic symbol!) and having their daughters kneel under them are a new height of creep. And this part was just… gah:

Loss tinged many at the ball. Stephen Clark, 64, came to the ball for the first time with Ashley Avery, 17, who is “promised” to his son, Zane, 16. Mr. Clark brought Ashley, in her white satin gown, to show her that he loved her like a daughter, he said, something he felt he needed to underscore after Ashley’s father left her family a year ago.

“Promised” to someone? Ick.

32 thoughts on Creepy Dads

  1. Ooh, I read this article earlier this week. Then I sent it to my dad, who said he’d rather pledge to protect my ability to think for myself than my ability to keep my hymen in once piece.

    If a girl chooses to take a virginity pledge on her own – well, good for her, I guess. But their parents have no right to do that for them. Some of the girls mentioned in the article were, like, 9 years old… Do they even get what it is their daddies are pledging?

  2. Ironically, by having such “Purity Balls”, these parents are actually calling more attention to the allure of premarital sex and thus, risk undermining the very reason for this event’s being.

    If these daughters are like my high school classmates who had overbearing parents, this infantilizing of their daughters is also going to come back to haunt their parents later on.

    Out of curiosity, is there a past history of this in the US or is this a new invention to combat supposed modern evils?

  3. There was a man there with his 9-year-old twins. NINE YEAR OLDS SWEARING ABSTINENCE?

    I’m going to be hugely unpopular here…but I think perhaps life-long abstinence isn’t a bad idea for some of these people. Kinda like Darwin through osmosis.

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  6. I’ve always found something creepily incestuous about this whole trend; only one of the many things I find abhorrent about treating females as they are incapable of rationality and thought. Its inescapable that religious fanatcism (no matter what the brand) encourages a consequent undermining of being female. It doesn’t seem to matter which god you’re talking about – there is someting in all these relgiions that finds women inherently “evil” – how utterly sad.

    And then again, there is that never-ending undercurrent that SOMEHOW these girls engage in pre-marital sex by themselves!

    My husband recently wrote a response on a blog to an author that talked how CRUCIAL it was to “choose” a partner with the same spiritual beliefs – becuase otherwise it woudl cause big issues with the upbrining of the children … one part of his response is apropos and I quote “i don’t control their beliefs, and i don’t want to. just like i don’t control their reading habits, or their taste in food or clothing or in movies, or their sexuality for that matter” – bravo to that.

    and if you give kids the tools to handle their own decisionmaking, chances are things will turn out just fine …that means letting them think for themselves … allowing them to reach and explore and yes, make mistakes and recover from those and learn from them.

  7. The first two hours of the gala passed like any somewhat awkward night out with parents, the men doing nearly all the talking and the girls struggling to cut their chicken.

    Girls can’t cut chicken? WHAT? Okay, granted, out of everything else in that article I have no idea why that particular line struck me as so offensive. I feel like it set up the entire article… “These girls are so meek that they cannot cut a well-cooked chicken breast into bite-sized pieces, clearly they need their fathers to be making their sexual decisions for them in this cruel cruel world…”

    But studies have also shown that most teenagers who say they will remain abstinent, like those at the ball, end up having sex before marriage, and they are far less likely to use condoms than their peers.

    Whoopsie-daisy?

  8. I agree about the irony- there is something eerily sexual about these things. These people are incredibly creepy.

  10. What creeps me out the most about these things is that they are a good idea. No, not the part with the hymens, but the idea that girls should be able to go out with the male figures in their lives and have fun. Father (or father figure, or whatever)-daughter bonding is important to make sure that girls have healthier relationships with men. So the idea of a daddy-daughter dance is not a bad one- I know they are hosted nearby my home fairly frequently. But once it is All About The Sex, it seems to me that most of those girls are going to feel like their dads only love them because of the virginity thing, and then when they almost certainly have sex before marriage, they are going to worry their father won’t love them anymore. Great choice, dads!

  11. I’m sure a biologist can whip out a quick line on fathers’ choosing their daughter’s future mates and controlling access to his DNA that they are carrying in their virginal ovaries ! So ape-like and impractical for 21st century life but of course they have rational, logical arguments for their behaviour – pity they can’t see that the same primitive thought patterns are used by young men to beat older men to a pulp and/or rape their virgins for access to this precious DNA.

  12. If these daughters are like my high school classmates who had overbearing parents, this infantilizing of their daughters is also going to come back to haunt their parents later on.

    That’s why they keep drifting towards encouraging younger and younger marriage. If they can get you married off before you rebel, then it changes the dynamic considerably if you do start rethinking the situation.

  13. Jen @ 10: Back when I was a kid the girl scouts would host a daddy-daughter dance, and it was just that. 9-12 year olds wearing pretty dresses and hanging out with their fathers. I too htink it’s a good idea and fun, provided there’s no creepy sexual control stuff going on.

    As for that “promised” thing, I wonder if it’s pseudo-arranged marriage or a high school promise ring thing. Somehow, I suspect it’s the former. And people think I’m crazy when I say that evangelicals will start doing arranged marriages in the near future.

  14. That’s why they keep drifting towards encouraging younger and younger marriage. If they can get you married off before you rebel, then it changes the dynamic considerably if you do start rethinking the situation.

    It may not help decades later when the parents cannot rely on their daughter/son-in-law to support and visit them in old age due to having to work long hours in low-paying jobs due to lack of education/job skills/socialization…..or worse…finding ways to stick her elderly parents with her husband’s acquiescence into a low quality nursing home under the guise of “medical concern” and then forgetting about them afterwards as a form of revenge.

    This was a disturbing behavior pattern high school classmates have noticed while volunteering at nursing homes during high school/college….especially when some of the elderly residents who never received any visits from family for years were from socio-economically privileged families.

    There were also many classmates and co-workers who were resentful of their parents pining for the day they could stick their parents into a nursing home and then forgetting about them.

    As for that “promised” thing, I wonder if it’s pseudo-arranged marriage or a high school promise ring thing. Somehow, I suspect it’s the former. And people think I’m crazy when I say that evangelicals will start doing arranged marriages in the near future.

    My late maternal grandmother and many in her generation who came of age in 1920’s/30’s China would laugh at the irony of this as arranged marriages were already seen as old-fashioned and a sign of “social-backwardness” back then. How interesting that such a bygone social custom considered “backward” in a non-Western society for almost a century is coming back into fashion in a supposedly” modern progressive” society.

  15. nice too see people embracing the idea that females are chattel and that folks are having swell shindigs to to plan the sale/acquisition of those bright & shiny little virgins

  16. COLORADO SPRINGS — In their floor-length gowns, up-dos and tiaras, the 70 or so young women swept past two harpists and into a gilt-and-brocade dining room at the lavish Broadmoor Hotel, on the arms of their much older male companions.

    This just screams PEDOPHILIA at me. O_O

    I’ve always found something creepily incestuous about this whole trend; only one of the many things I find abhorrent about treating females as they are incapable of rationality and thought.

    Hell yeah! I said that the first time I read an article about this. “You may not have sex with anyone until you get married but with daddy its not sex because hes protecting your womanhood.” Ewwwww. I’m glad more people are making the link.

  17. But after dessert, the 63 men stood and read aloud a covenant “before God to cover my daughter as her authority and protection in the area of purity.”

    Yeah because these young women don’t have actual ownership over their bodies. They belong to their fathers until he passes ownership on to a husband. This incestuous little performance not only places female bodies strictly under male control it enforces mandatory heterosexuality.

  18. Is it not within the realm of decency to want for your children a life where they don’t have to deal with
    a) the emotional crappage that comes with having sex too early in one’s life?
    b) facing the dilemma of abortion – to keep or not to keep?
    c) STD’s?

    You know what I find creepy?

    Parents who don’t give a damn if their sons and daughters are sexually active at a young age
    Parents who are blind to the crap that allowing their “children to learn by mistakes”
    brings. (“Ooops, I guess I can’t look after this child afterall mum and dad – here you go
    enjoy your retirement!)

    It’s not about control (although I find the concept of such a ritual perverse too – and what about the mums pledging for their sons eh?)

    For a lot of parents who care for their kids, it can be about encouraging them to think.
    Whether you like it or not, the issue of children participating in sex at a young age is not only about physical health, its about mental and spiritual too. Kids these days are bombarded with sexual imagery in so many facets of life these days.

    Is it not within the realms of love to want to help your children have a childhood – fair dinkum – they’re adults for long enough….

  19. Is it not within the realm of decency to want for your children a life where they don’t have to deal with
    a) the emotional crappage that comes with having sex too early in one’s life?
    b) facing the dilemma of abortion – to keep or not to keep?
    c) STD’s?

    Of course it’s good to want your kids to avoid all of those things. But there’s a question of how you do it — and telling your daughters (notice how it’s only daughters) that they’re your property just waiting to be passed on to the next man is not teaching them anything. It doesn’t teach them to be safe or emotionally healthy; it tells them that sex isn’t theirs, that it’s a bartering chip between men. That’s a very dangerous message.

  20. For a lot of parents who care for their kids, it can be about encouraging them to think.

    But it doesn’t encourage your kids to think when you tell them that the only acceptable lifestyle is to refuse sex until the day Dad “gives you away” to another man, and then you’re under that man’s thumb. It’s not realistic, and it’s also doesn’t teach kids to think a lick for themselves.

  21. You know what I find creepy?…
    Parents who are blind to the crap that allowing their “children to learn by mistakes”brings.

    Ah, isn’t it irony that all kids end up having premarital sex but those whose parents apparently “don’t care” and don’t make pledge anything don’t have to deal with 2 out of your 3 points? Because they at least made them use condoms while the pledgers think they would be evidence of their misdeed. ^^

  23. What a bunch of authoritarian, knuckle dragging a-holes.

    What are the odds that half of these knuckle draggers watch internet porn at home, and were themselves trying to coerce teenage girls into having sex when they were 16? I’d say the odds are better than even.

  24. My wife had not heard about these Purity Balls (is it just me, or does that term just beg for puns) before. When I described them to her, she said, “Holy Electra Complex, Batman!”

  25. For a lot of parents who care for their kids, it can be about encouraging them to think.
    Whether you like it or not, the issue of children participating in sex at a young age is not only about physical health, its about mental and spiritual too. Kids these days are bombarded with sexual imagery in so many facets of life these days.

    A nice sentiment, but for those of us without the benefit of a fine view from waaaaaay up on that beautiful horse of yours the reality of the situation is a bit different. The fact of the matter is that most teenagers want to get off, they’re hardwired for it and they have always done it in every culture that doesn’t physically lock boys and girls away from each other (in which case they get off with their peers). Thats not up for debate.

    What you’re talking about is delusional parents putting their kids at risk by encouraging ignorance and piling more guilt (something far more damaging that a bad consensual sexual experience) on having sex than society already does. Worse, the guilt is aimed at young girls who already get the lion’s share of the guilt over sex in our society. Build that on top of a solid foundation of evangelical crap and you have a recipe for disaster. If you want to talk about mental and spiritual health, why don’t you turn an eye on the toxic culture that has produced these purity balls. Tell a kid they’re shit because someone 1000 generations back ate an apple they shouldn’t and thats why they’ll hurt and die, and the only reason to avoid eternal torture is absolute obedience, and you’ll see a lot of damage.

  26. For a lot of parents who care for their kids, it can be about encouraging them to think.

    Exactly the opposite is true, because the children have pledged to abstain, which means they won’t think about whether or not this is a good situation for them to be in. They will just rebel and then feel guilty. Thinking involves taking precaution when having sex and making a conscious decision each and every time to have, or not have sex.

  27. You know, when I first heard about these events called “Purity BALLS,” I giggled uncontrollably. And that AC/DC song got stuck in my head for a week, which made me giggle even more.

    So I guess *I’m* going straight to Hell…

    (Or is that “On a Highway to Hell”?)

  28. It’s not about control (although I find the concept of such a ritual perverse too – and what about the mums pledging for their sons eh?)

    For a lot of parents who care for their kids, it can be about encouraging them to think.

    Rituals emphasising “purity” aren’t about teaching kids to think, are absolutely about control, and don’t suggest caring about kids (meaning girls) beyond the level of caring about property.

    If you want to teach your kids, teach them – don’t throw them into some ritual and assume everything is solved.

  29. As for that “promised” thing, I wonder if it’s pseudo-arranged marriage or a high school promise ring thing. Somehow, I suspect it’s the former.

    Doesn’t sound very pseudo to me.

  30. “Promised to someone.”

    Kinda like pre-emptive rape. What if the two kids grow up and she doesn’t want to sleep with him? Does she still have to, to keep her Daddy happy?

    I’m disgusted.

  31. Oh, I’ll just bet he did feel the “need”, especially since her father’s not around to protect her from filthy old creeps.

    Same idea as men hitting on recently widowed or separated women (which they do, CONSTANTLY, whether the men are married themselves or not). No male owner, they’re fair game, and they’re only women so nobody will believe them if they tell. Disgusting. I’m not even surprised he felt free to make the move toward the kid and not her mother.

    And YES, I know ostensibly the poor girl’s for his son. That’s a crock. The guy’s grooming her, or I’ll eat my hat. I’ll bet he’s already done something and she’s too ashamed to tell anyone.

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