Revisiting Men Who Take Their Partners’ Names

9 thoughts on Revisiting Men Who Take Their Partners’ Names

1. Since the new law doesn’t take effect until 2009, I know someone who still has to go through a name change before marriage so he and his wife can take the same name (a woman’s surname from her side of the family).

2. I can tell you from personal experience that the state doesn’t make it EASY for anyone to change their name, with the one exception of women getting married, where the usual skids of the bureaucracy tend to be greased somewhat because it is by far the most common reason for a name-change.

   But yeah, it’s only expected (and, in many cases, accepted) in women. How do I know? My wife and I did something similar when we got married in 1996. Only we BOTH changed our names, the idea being that since we were creating something new (a new family), we not only had the right, but also sorts the OBLIGATION to give it a new name, as well. We both loathed hyphenated last names; they sounded (to us) simultaneously pompous, like something out of a P.G. Wodehouse novel, and awkwardly clunky. So we wound up taking a portion of my wife’s maiden name and my maiden name (LOL) and splicing them together. Luckily, our ancestral backgrounds were similar enough that the names blended so well that in fact our “new” name is one you can actually find in the phone book anyway. But we love the fact that our two children have a last name that reflects and has a piece of the traditions of both families-of-origin, yet is new to just our family. I’m well aware this isn’t for everyone (not to mention the hell I’m sure it would play with genealogists if our model were to come to be widely adopted), but it has worked quite well for us.

   That’s not to say that it’s been without struggle or consequence, though.

   What we found (and this was twelve years ago, remember) was that the state (California, at the time) made it SO much easier for women getting married to take their husband-to-be’s name, that it was going to be a LOT less hassle for us if, several months prior to the wedding (so as to allow all the bureaucratic dust to settle) was for me to go through the hassle of changing MY last name to our new one, and then for my wife to simply take “my” name when we actually got married. Sounds screwy, I know, but we got some good advice from someone at city hall who explained how much more of a pain it would be to do it with BITH of us doing “solo” name changes. And the end result was what we wanted, anyway, so despite our mild irritation at the intractability of the patriarchally-biased bureaucracy (LOL), we figured all’s well that ends well.

   Of course, my father, when I told him by phone of our name plans told me (direct quote) “you know, you and I haven’t seen eye-to-eye on a lot of things over the years, son, but I just can’t take this one. Have a nice life,” but that’s a story for another time. Short version: he must have meant it; I haven’t heard a peep in a dozen years, and he’s never met his grandkuds, now seven and five. So yeah, there’s still a lot of push-back and red tape in some places if you decide to substitute your own thoughts and wishes for unquestioned tradition….

3. That’s absolutely absurd. Ugh.

4. In 1997, my wife and I both changed our last name in California according to advice from nolo.com. We used the “usage” method, in which, we just started calling ourselves with a different name.

   I applied for a new drivers license, and at the time, there was a checkbox on it, that was not gender based that just asked if this was a new name.

   I got a new social security card, with the same name.

   No courts were needed.

   This method is apparently still legal, but after 9/11 and in our new surveillance society it will make it much more difficult than the court method.

   So at the time, 10 years ago, California made it TRIVIAL for a man to change his last name. Even now though lots of people in society, including self-identified feminists are stuck in disbelief mode and think it odd if not subversive that a male would change his last name.

   So though I post as anonymous here and there is little reason to believe me (except you can google name change usage method) I in fact know that as little as 10 years ago it was really really really easy in California.

   Epilogue: two kids later, my wife filed for divorce. I still keep the same last name because it’s the last name of my children. She took her new husband’s last name, and these days, when I discuss bias in the family courts, people love to label me an anti-feminist.

5. Not that it matters, but to correct two errors: the new social security card had the same number, but the new name. And she filed for divorce four years later, not two. (It was when my youngest was two years old.)

6. Lars, I feel for you in what happened with you and your father.

   My wife and I have been together since high school, and it never seemed especially natural to us for her to change her name on marriage, so when we married, she didn’t. My parents thought we were joking, bought us as our wedding present a tablecloth monogrammed with my last name, and took deep offense when they realized we were serious.

   We also reasoned that there was no reason for children to default to having the father’s last name, so we agreed long before having kids that girls would take their mother’s last name and boys would take their father’s last name. We let people know about it, and again my parents thought we must be joking. Then we had twin girls, who bear their mother’s last name. In fury, my parents withdrew pretty much all emotional support during a very difficult and dangerous pregnancy, and find it hard to understand why I have “betrayed the family”.

   I can only hope that things are changing and that non-Anglo naming conventions become more widely accepted.

7. I don’t have a lot to add, but it was extremely easy for my husband to change his last name in Illinois. Aside from a lot of funny looks, they let him fill out exactly the same paperwork I would have filled out, and a few weeks later, he got his new social security card. Once he had that, it was no problem to change his name anywhere else.

   I wasn’t even aware the state had anything to say about name changes (which, well, was stupid) until I saw this story last week. I’m glad they’re finally changing the law–and it’s ridiculous that it’s taken so long. It seems like hyphenated names are really common, so I’m surprised no one made a big deal of it sooner.

8. Lars and Alex, it is really encouraging to hear from guys who were willing to buck the trend and create something new within their families. I feel for you and what you went through with your parents, I commend you on your committment to the new family you were creating, it can be really hard for parents to view their children as fully “out of the nest” and a name change can make that feeling pretty concrete which leads a lot of parents to have to consider their identity and who they are to their children. Unfortunately many of them do not respond well to their children’s independence.

   Ismone, I had some friends do the same thing, the hus and I haven’t made things legal yet and were unclear about how the whole 2008/2009 thing would play out in California, from what I have heard it all depends on the county clerk’s office and how much they are willing to work with you (sounds just the same as it was before the Bijon’s lawsuit). We are probably just going to head up to Oregon to make it happen since they didn’t dally around for a year and a half but rather changed the marriage license application right away.

   Anyone have experience with the issue in Oregon since the law was passed?

9. oh and hecateluna, 9/11 really did throw a wheel in the spokes when it comes to the usage law. i have been wanting to take my mother’s name for years and was basically told that unless i was still a minor under her care it would be an uphill battle to try to change it based on usage, even though i have been using it for almost 15 years. so i ended up just waiting till i had the free pass of a marriage to change it, which turns out, for my husband, still isnt a free pass in the state of CA, at least not till 2009

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