In defense of the sanctimonious women's studies set || First feminist blog on the internet

Women Don’t Speak Up

Jill

This video is fascinating:

Check out the video producers’ thoughts. I see this all the time, from when I’m in class to in my email box. Women don’t speak up as much. Female professors are referred to by their first names, whereas no one would dare speak to or about male professors in the same way. Publications I’ve worked for receive significantly more story pitches from men than from women — and men’s pitches are often received more positively. Mens’ voices are considered more authoritative, and men receive fewer negative comments and responses than women. “Women’s issues” are ghettoized, and when “women’s issues” are discussed in mainstream spaces, they’re met with hostility — even when those spaces are progressive, and sometimes when they’re decidedly feminist (see, for example, Shakesville).

Then there’s this, from Pearls, Politics and Power by Madeleine M. Kunin, which a woman I know emailed out the other day:

In a study done in 1968 and replicated in 1983 by Jennifer Freyd of University of Oregon, “… college students were asked to rate identical articles by specific criteria. The authors’ names attached to the articles were clearly male or female, but were reversed for each group of raters: what one group thought had been written by a male, the second thought had been written by a female, and vice versa. Articles supposedly written by women were consistently ranked lower than when the very same articles were thought to have been written by a male.”

And there’s the scientist whose work wasn’t widely acclaimed — until she transitioned into a he (thanks to Deanna for the link).

So no, women often don’t speak up — sometimes because we’re punished for it, and sometimes because we know full well that people aren’t listening. And when women are trained to understand that we just aren’t taken all that seriously, we doubt ourselves — and then we silence ourselves even more.

42 thoughts on Women Don’t Speak Up

  1. I see this constantly. I work at a think tank that studies security issues and we have all sorts of panels and such where questions are taken from the audience. Security being a male-dominated field, most of the speakers are male. Men categorically ask longer more detailed and often, in my opinion, self-aggrandizing questions, and receive more nuanced answers from the panelists. Women are often interrupted by panelists as they ask their questions, and then the responses they are given sound to me didactic in nature. The attitude is that men are engaging in the conversation, whereas women are merely asking a question for their own education. It’s really infuriating and I puzzle constantly over what can be done to address it. How do you fight back against something like that?

  2. Ironic that I am the first person to comment.

    I’m a student of rhetoric, which is a far cry from the sciences, but the assumption that men do the theory and women to the grunt analysis is so strong that the few female theorists are universally known by their last names only, while the men get their full names remembered even by forgetful undergrads like me.

    On another note, I wonder if calling professors by their first names is a lot better than the “Dr. Such-and-such” that we are often forced into. In our rhetoric department, most of the profs go by their first names, and it definitely fosters a sense of academic community that lets us students learn more and get our work published on occasion. It’s still feels strange to call my advisor “Bob,” but when that means that my professors invite us to dinner and visit the student-run bistro to discuss politics and theory, I think it’s a lot better atmosphere to encourage. We just need more male professors to stop thinking of themselves as the deliverers of knowledge from the mountaintop and start thinking of themselves as members of the academic community that we students are joining.

  4. It’s startling how much women are punished for speaking up. I’ve actually seen men in my class turn their heads to laugh out loud with a person two rows behind them while a female student was speaking. I don’t know how not to pick my battles very, very selectively.

  5. Relatedly, a paper was posted on the arxiv recently, with a study of postdocs working on the D0 experiment at Fermilab, which showed that the female postdocs were more productive in terms of internal memos, but received far fewer conference appearances relative to their productivity than the male postdocs.

  6. Which is why the ghettoized Slate.com “XX factor” blog on “women’s issues, written by women” is so tragic.

  7. I always think of the quote from Contact, the early part where Ellie Arroway’s education and early career is narrated.

    She found it difficult to discuss physics, much less debate it, with her predominantly male classmates. At first there would be a kind of selective inattention to her remarks. There would be a slight pause, and then they would go on as if she had not spoken. Occasionally they would acknowledge her remark, even praise it, and then again continue undeflected. She was reasonably sure her remarks were not entirely foolish, and did not wish to be ignored, much less ignored and patronized alternately. Part of it — but only a part — she knew was due to the softness of her voice. So she developed a physics voice, a professional voice: clear, competent, and many decibels above normal. With such a voice it was important to be right.

    (The bold part is what I repeat to myself in every meeting, every class, every day.)

    I did major in physics, and now in engineering, and I so very rarely trust that I am right enough to use the physics voice. So mostly I just don’t speak, because I can’t afford to say something wrong or stupid. I have to earn respect as a scientist and an engineer by being dead competent at everything, all the time, and never stumbling. I’m slowly gaining the confidence to speak up even if I’m not 100% sure I’m right. But it still terrifies me, because I’ll just look like another woman who shouldn’t be allowed in science.

    This seems like an analysis that applies outside science, too. You’re not listened to unless you shout. And if you shout, you’d better be right.

  9. I’m a feminist. I know about the bias toward men, not just thorugh the studies you mention, but also daily, through my own life. I sit through endless academic situations in which men dominate the room with comments that are obvious and self-aggrandizing. I feel sick over the way my female students will shrug, shake their heads, giggle — anything to counteract the uncomfortable feeling of demanding to be acknowledged as intelligent when they comment in the classroom, while my male students will make five comments in the first ten minutes of a class for which they obviously haven’t done the readings. All this makes me furious.

    So I am unnerved by how much I identify with the women who decline to even talk on camera. In fact, I have twice in the past five years been stopped on the street by a reporter for a comment, and declined both times. I don’t want to be on tv.

    I also know I’m much less prone — in professional settings — to make useless, love-hearing-myself-talking, self-aggrandizing comments that interrupt other people. This isn’t because I’m uncomfortable with my own authority, or because I think I’m an idiot doll-baby. But I *DO* think men who dominate conversation or who dominate the camera with asnine comments about George Bush and Darth Vader are complete idiots. And I have no ambition to be an idiot just to prove I can hold my own among them.

  10. I have a hard time fathoming what a luxury it is for us to be talking about being silenced in class by dismissive remarks. Sudy’s got a great short piece about two female journalists killed in Mexico for speaking up.

    While neither’s preferable, I think it’s worth reflecting on the privilege associated with being able to have this discussion.

    *dismounts high horse*

  11. Also completely unrelated (except to this thread’s title) – why are this and so many other top feminist blogs (not to mention the usual media vultures) apparently staying clear of the FLDS megarape bust?

    Considering the enormity of the reported abuses, the human costs, the requisite 21stC absurdity (JEDI Women), and, say, the impact on Texas mental health services or the debut of the new poster boys for the worst in patriarchy, the 9 days of silence on this horror show is baffling.

    Are there legal sharks circling this story, perhaps? (No repercussions reported as yet from the HuffPo or Pharyngula posts… )

  12. Interestingly, the Saturn ad after the video talked about finding new meanings for “power” (image of white male bodybuilder, white male bicyclist posing triumphantly) and “beauty” (image of young woman with exoticized trappings, young mother with baby (race undetermined but whiteish).) Irrelevant to the topic, but kind of frustrating.

    On topic: this is generally true of creative writing, as well. The ever-classic Mslexia magazine manifesto gives numbers to show that while women read more than men and write more than men, men are published more than women, and overwhelmingly receive more awards than women. They delve into the whys, and confidence is definitely among them.

    I think confidence can be (perhaps not reliably, but still) taught, and that it’s one of the greatest things a parent or other formative adult can instill in young girls (and boys, but as our discussion indicates, there doesn’t appear to be an endemic lack in that demographic.) And, well…I guess for the moment, this is one of those ‘be the change’ things. If that (fabulous) woman in the video sticks the mike in your face, give her an honest opinion. Don’t self-deprecate as much. Don’t tilt your head for pictures. Et cetera.

  13. An amazing post. It seems so simple when it’s down in print. But very complex when lived day-to-day. And try explaining it to a guy. You just become an angry feminist bitch.

  14. I have noticed that male students including myself tend to speak up more during my college years while our female counterparts were mostly quiet at the beginning of each semester.

    Fortunately, most of the Profs I’ve had not only noticed this, but also saw through the intellectual vacuousness of most of the loudest male students and adjusted by pointedly calling on our female classmates, waving off the class blowhards, and in severe cases, deducting points from some of the blowhards’ class participation grades. The hardcore blowhards tended to be overentitled jackasses who assumed they were smart until they found that the supposedly quieter and thus “inferior” students showed them up when final grades were in. Didn’t see too many of them after sophomore year.

    Fortunately, this dynamic became less pronounced as we advanced into our junior and senior years as it is almost impossible not to participate in colloquium/seminar class discussions where there are less than 10, 5, or even 3 students. Professors conducting such courses will demand it.

    Female professors are referred to by their first names, whereas no one would dare speak to or about male professors in the same way.

    With the few exceptions when the Professor him/herself insisted on being on a firstname basis with us students, none of my classes had anyone who would dare address a Professor in such an informal manner when I was an undergrad. Though my campus was radical-left progressive politically and informal in many respects…calling a Prof by firstname without the prior ok was considered intolerably disrespectful and reflected poorly on the person doing so.

    Has this been an increasing trend since the mid-late 90’s among undergrad students??

    To this day, I still feel uncomfortable addressing a Professors on a firstname basis….even if s(he) insists on it as something about the informality just feels so intrinsically wrong.

  15. I’d verbally slap down a student who called me by my first name. My last name is easy to pronounce, and is preceded by “Dr.”. Yes, it’s getting more common among undergraduates. I don’t see it among professional school students.

    When I was in professional school and in post-professional fellowships some 20 years ago, I noted a distinct tendency of some male senior faculty and some male colleagues at the same level of training (or even more junior) to ignore me and pay attention to the male colleagues or continue on their merry way making an obvious mistake. I was and am a polite person and skilled at what I do, so it was pure sexism. Things are changing now, slowly, as the profession acquires sex near-parity in the junior levels (45-50% women). The most prestigious voices are still predominantly male.

  16. sminbrooklyn,

    I found the best way to deal with the kind of sexism you describe while either on a panel or in a classroom is to call attention to it. You don’t have to say, “I think you’re being sexist.” I would say, “That was a great question. Maybe we should talk about that more.” And I would say it in a strong, confident voice while maintaining eye contact with the person doing the dismissing. Remember, when you’re on a panel, or when you have the microphone, YOU have at least one power structure going in your favor. When you start standing up for the women in the audience, they tend to get bolder. The men, alas, tend to stay clueless.

  17. I refuse to let my students call me anything other than professor for the simple fact I worked hard for my degrees and deserve the respect. On the flip side I look young and started teaching young so the title helped me maintain authority in the classroom. I have no problem in the classroom and many a time my students are dominated by men. My problem in academic departments and administration where they are overwhelmingly male except in Education.

    I have to say that I regard people who think and listen more highly than those that need to be heard all the time, which are typically men in my area. I have witnessed men have a battle of wits over attendance – it is pretty pathetic. Some of the most intelligent and logical people I work with, women and men included, listen more and say less. When they say something it ususally has a lot more merit than those spouting words.

    There is a huge problem in hierarchy in the world in terms of awards, prestige and opportunities. One are that always annoys me is female domestic ideals like cooking. Women are supposed to cook, but most of the world’s great chefs are men. Same goes for fashion. It is enough to make me scream.

  18. Linda Babcock published an article in the New York Times a week ago and found that women are much less likely than men to negotiate job offers and ask for promotions or raises. As a society, she claims,

    we teach little girls (and I have a little girl, so I see this all the time) that it’s not nice or feminine or appropriate for them to focus on what they want and pursue their self-interest — and we don’t like it when they do.

    Not only do women not give their opinion, they do not express what they need or want. Babcock goes on to say:

    The messages girls receive — from parents and teachers, from books they read, from movies and television shows they watch, and from behavior of the adults around them — can be so powerful that as women they may not even understand that their reluctance to ask for what they want is a learned behavior, and one that can be unlearned.

    When I ask my female friends why they don’t ask for a raise they think they deserve, they rarely answer “because as a woman, I’ve been socialized into believing I shouldn’t focus on myself.” They’re more likely to attribute it to their personality, or some other character trait.

    In the article, Babcock tells a story of when she was in charge of hiring two people for the same academic position. She made offers to a man and a woman. The woman accepted the offer as it stood, but the man demanded, and got, a higher salary. Babcock was conscious enough to then raise the salary offer for the woman, but most people would not do that.

    So all you women out there, ask for what you want and demand what you deserve!

  19. all of my profs this semester requested we call them by their first names, which makes me terribly uncomfortable, as i feel that since theyve earned the titles they hold they should get refered to as such. then again, 2 of the profs are in the art department and the other is only 26 so i think he feels more peer toward us than an older prof might.

    as to speaking up in classes, nobody speaks in my classes at all with the exception of myself and the other non-traditional students. maybe its just becos its a junior college, but nobody seems interested at all. the male students almost never speak. ive developed great relationships with every professor ive had, and i think a major reason for it is that often classes end up a conversation between the professor and myself since nobody else will speak up at all. and, i promise im not just being a blabber-mouth, i actually make sure i give other students a chance to answer, but once the prof looks as tho s/he might cry becos of the dead silence they recieve as feedback, i then raise my hand.

  20. I hate how true this is. I find myself hesitating before commenting on blog posts sometimes because I’m worried about saying something “stupid” in a comment, even though there are plenty of people who don’t seem to worry about that sort of thing.

    I’ve also noticed that women tend to put their hands up before speaking in a class, while men are more prone to simply calling out an answer, or speaking as soon as an appropriate pause comes along. (And, in general, I think men are less likely to be reprimanded for calling out.) I still suffer from that in meetings; before I speak my hand twitches and I have to remind myself that I don’t need permission to state my opinion on something.

    Perhaps my university was more relaxed than some, but all my professors wanted us to call them by their first name except one. I remember finding it difficult to remember to not call them Dr. Something for the first month or so of classes.

  21. I’m so glad you’ve addressed this! I am totally with Millie above, I too sometimes hesitate or don’t comment on blog posts for fear of seeming stupid, and this is one of the most accepting and affirming places where I could choose to put myself out there!

    I had an interesting talk with my partner and some of our friends about this topic in the context of being successful in interview situations. The men were overwhelmingly more confident about going to interviews, their relative strengths against other candidates, and all spoke of the importance of “talking themselves up” to the interviewer. On the other hand, the women (myself included) were much more likely to feel very uncomfortable having to talk about achievements and were more likely to downplay relevant experience they had had, as well as thinking that they couldn’t match up to the other candidates. I think its all part of the wider problem that women don’t want to stick their necks out for fear of criticism and hostility being directed at them.

    Obviously, this is not a remotely scientific study! But, it is something which I have noticed amongst my friends. Incidentally, with the exception of my boyfriend, we were all law students, and only the men in the group had so far managed to find work for when we graduate, so this unwillingness amongst myself and my female friends actually seems as though it could be damaging our careers as well.

  22. This is a serious issue, but I have to take issue with your assertion that female professors are known by their first names while no one would dare do that to a male professor. In my experience the opposite is true. It’s a petty point but anti-feminists will latch onto anything, so it pays to not make sweeping generalisations. Personally, I have never had a problem speaking up in any circumstance. Being “polite” just means you’ll be ignored. But, prefer not to say, maybe the women didn’t want to speak on camera because they were busy.

  23. I find myself hesitating before commenting on blog posts sometimes because I’m worried about saying something “stupid” in a comment

    I always have to edit my comments to take out the language that comes out first, usually along the lines of “well, I think that it seems…” instead of “x is y” Declarative sentences are my friend.

  25. Interesting. I have struggled with this issue before – not commenting to blog posts or speaking up in class because I don’t think I have anything to say (mostly in high school). College really helped me find my voice – maybe it was just being in an intellectually stimulating environment, or realizing that, hey, I was a smart person with things to say. I also think participating in Improv helped – you can sit on your ass the whole time convinced that any character you come up with will be lame and stupid, or you can just go for it. Slightly off-topic, but I think theatrical expression is an important tool for women who have trouble speaking as themselves.

    The last time I was stopped on the street for an interview while with my boyfriend, I spoke up first and gave a long answer; he just nodded and when they turned to him, said “yeah, what she said”. *grins*

  26. Does anyone but me think that, instead of women needing to become more arrogant and rude, men should become more humble and considerate?

    Aren’t Americans typically considered rude and arrogant by the rest of the world?

  27. It may be an America specific thing, where female professors are referred to by their first names whilst male ones are not.

    In the UK, as an undergraduate we’d generally refer to our professors by their full names and never as Dr. X. If you got to know them well enough you’d just use their first names.

    As a postgraduate we refer to out professors by their first names, which is confusing as we have a large number of male professors with the same first name. Even the male professors who are highly respected in their fields get referred to this way as well.

  28. You know what’s really interesting? I’m currently in library school, where the ratio is probably 75-80% women, and one thing I’ve noticed about myself is that I speak in class a lot more than I ever did in my undergraduate years. I hadn’t considered much before why this is, but now I can see that a lot of it has to do with feeling a lot more comfortable and willing to share my opinions in a group made up of mostly women, and where a lot of the professors are women. And STILL, even in an environment weighted so heavily towards the women, the few men in classes with me often dominate the conversations.

  29. Honestly, I am in New York State and I went to an undergrad in Buffalo, and an Ivy League Grad and we NEVER called our profs either in Undergrad or Grad ANYTHING but their first names.
    That includes the department chairs, heads and deans.
    I am surprised to hear that so many people are uncomfortable with this. Not a criticism of the above commenters who are teachers who are uncomfortable with it, but it did surprise me because in my experience first names are the norm.
    For me, it fostered a wonderful sense of comfort and security with my profs and administrators, with many of whom, over 10 years later, I am still close.

    “Speaking up” for me, esp. in my school environments was somewhat related to this. I felt respected by my profs, who in turn demanded that all students respect one another. This translated for me into being unafraid to voice my opinion in public or in private after my schooling. Perhaps in Math/Science industries this is much more difficult. I am in fashion/Entertainment/Not for Profits.

  30. I have to say that I regard people who think and listen more highly than those that need to be heard all the time, which are typically men in my area. I have witnessed men have a battle of wits over attendance – it is pretty pathetic. Some of the most intelligent and logical people I work with, women and men included, listen more and say less. When they say something it ususally has a lot more merit than those spouting words.

    Unfortunately, in the American context…those who say/spout more often get rewarded….especially when Professors/managers allow classes/meetings to devolve into a free-for-all. Here, it seems being forthright in stating what one thinks is regarded as a virtue, regardless of how ill-mannered or wrong one happens to be.

    On the other hand, I have found many other cultures think as dimly of this “spouting off the cuff” behavior as you do. It was amusing to watch how students who shout out inane comments/answers are quickly and harshly put into their place not only by Profs from foreign countries, but also serious international students who won’t tolerate such behavior from what they consider to be rude uncouth classmates.

    Does anyone but me think that, instead of women needing to become more arrogant and rude, men should become more humble and considerate?

    Aren’t Americans typically considered rude and arrogant by the rest of the world?

    Unfortunately, the American culture is one where self-promotion is valued and humbleness and consideration a sign of weakness from the classroom to the workplace. The increasing trend of this could be seen by the increasing tendency of newschannels to allow and encourage invited commenters to shout each other down….a reason why my parents and many international students believe that American journalism has gone down the tubes over the last decade.

    As for how Americans are perceived in the world if taken in the negative vein, from what I’ve heard from international students during my undergrad, the common stereotypes I’ve heard were the ones you’ve mentioned along with being spoiled, lazy, and overentitled when it came to academic work.

    From my recollection, I’ve never seen/heard international students rudely dispute grades with their instructors nor have I seen them ask for extensions on assignments for reasons other than sudden dire emergencies that cannot be helped/foreseen.

    When I heard those comments and saw how true they were in and out of class, I cringed at how many fellow American classmates are making the hardworking ones like myself look bad. In fact, one of the very reasons why I modeled my college work habits after the international students at my undergrad was that they had a much better attitude towards their studies that many of their American counterparts.

  31. I wonder if for women there is an added fear of a random street camera because of things like Girls Gone Wild, or the sense that someone could put you on the internet just to make fun of you. While I would feel pretty comfortable going on camera if I could identify it as the local news (big NBC/ABC sticker or whatnot), I wouldn’t necessarily agree to be taped by a random person whose organization I couldn’t identify. Who knows how your picture or words might be used!

  32. I posted this same anecdote on pandagon in response to the same video so my apologies if any of you recognize this rerun.
    My last semester of college the then new president/CEO of NASA came to speak to the aerospace department I studied in. During the Q&A session of the speech I was the only woman to ask any question and he didn’t even acknowledge me until several people around me started to raise their hands to bring attention to me. Then when I finally was able to ask a question he got visibily angry and basically said it was a stupid question. I naturally got a little angry at his dismissal of me but at the same time I started to wonder if it was a stupid question… until the talk was over with and a few professors and students (all male) came up to me and he was wrong and my question needed to be asked.
    Other fun stuff about being a female in engineering: A (male) professor who told me I should drop out of engineering since I dared to get less than an A in his class; that same prof refusing to even look at a friend of mine when she went to him with 2 male classmates for office hours; a male classmate not understanding how I could have been offered a higher salary than him for the same position. Instead of acknowledhing that I had prior work experience with that company, he chalked it up to reverse sexism.

  34. Maybe it’s because I go to an art school, but I’ve always called my professors by their first names. I felt really uncomfortable doing so my freshman year (since in high school it was always “Mr.” and “Mrs.” or “Ms.” But eventually I got over it, and now I feel like they’re just treating me like an adult. However, I get the respect argument too, and I think that would be totally valid in some professions (where masters and doctors degrees are prevalent), but in the arts it just doesn’t seem as necessary.

    And I have to agree with what some of the other commenters said… sometimes I don’t blog or write comments because I don’t want to sound stupid and unintelligent. (For some reason, I don’t have a problem posting on pro-life blogs… maybe because I feel smarter… eep!) I’ve also noticed that I tend to let other guys talk when I can say more intelligent things and I shouldn’t let them get away with it!

    But now that I’ve noticed this, I think I’m going to blog more and comment more, because it doesn’t matter if I’m wrong… I can admit to being wrong. But I can’t let myself be silent, because that would really be doing women a disservice.

  35. In my own experience at least, the naming conventions at my college (UT-Austin) were broken down along discipline and not gender. All the math and engineering profs (male or female) were Dr. whatever and all the foreign language and phys ed profs (male or female) went by 1st names only.

  36. Dear Exholt,

    Don’t break your arm patting yourself on the back.

    Love,

    One of the Americans who is making you look bad

  37. In law school the only people who spoke up were the “gunners” who were universally despised. To be accepted, you could only respond when the prof called on you, which s/he would do randomly. There was one non-trad who notoriously would raise his hand and said whatever was on his mind, no matter how goofy.

  38. I’ve noticed it in the classroom, among the older kids. When they are little, the girls are just as outspoken and rambunctious as the boys, then when puberty hits and the messages start getting mixed up and the girls start retreating from discussions and presentations. I’ve noticed that girls tend to be the most helpful and most willing to answer questions one-on-one, but it’s like pulling teeth to get them to talk out in front of the whole class. There are exceptions, of course, I had one in class today who dominated the entire discussion, but she is the exception, the other five girls in the class sat quietly or talked among themselves.

    Some people are naturally shy. I am, though most people laugh when I tell them that. It took years for me to gain the confidence needed to deal with people, but now I can do it without a second thought.

    Some people, girls especially, are stripped of their natural confidence and pushed into corners, by teachers and parents, by the media and our society, most of whom are doing ‘what they think is best’. Starting when they are children and reinforced when puberty hits, girls need to be taught to be emotionally, physically and mentally confident.

    A great place to start would be the idea that it’s okay to be wrong or make mistakes. I’m really good at saying ‘oops, sorry about that’ or ‘I goofed’ and then getting on with things and not agonizing over what amounts to about 30 seconds of my day.

  39. One of the Americans who is making you look bad

    Entomologista,

    I was relaying my own observations from what I’ve heard from international students and what I saw firsthand during undergrad in reply to someone who asked about how Americans are perceived as arrogant and rude by others.

    Moreover, unless you were the type of American student who yelled out/cut off classmates in class, patronized working class/international students because they seemed to be “inferior” due to your unquestioned preconceptions of their possible language barriers/socio-economic status, threw loud temper tantrums at Professors to change a poor grade that was most likely well-deserved and/or to demand the Professor provide an extension for an assignment because you goofed off/put it off to the end…….those comments do not apply to you and are not about you.

  40. This really resonates with me. I know my opinions on things have been totally discounted because “I’m just a woman so” which infuriates me. I have never been shy about speaking up and am still not shy, though. I always spoke out in my classes, from grade school through university.

    That being said, I have often been harassed by men and been hesitant to speak up about it because of the fear of being told I was either overreacting or imagining things out of some sort of superiority complex. For example, my creepy drunk neighbor used to stare at me a lot and one time tried to ingratiate his way into my house late at night when he was drunk and making inappropriate comments. I was horrified and felt totally violated but felt like I shouldn’t say anything because he was drunk and maybe didn’t mean it. Ridiculous! I hate that I have not spoken up about things like that since I HAVE been so outspoken about other things my whole life.

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