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Your assistance needed!

zuzu

A friend of mine is going to the type of New Year’s party where people usually start making resolutions. And she hates that sort of thing. So she’s decided to cut any earnestness off at the pass by offering Resolutions by Committee: a bag full of resolutions, the sillier the better, that people can draw out and act upon.

And I said I’d help her think of some, but I’m kind of out of ideas.

So, here’s where I need your help: can you think of any resolutions, silly but achievable, for this project? Slight embarrassment is fine; mortification is not.

Thanks!

47 thoughts on Your assistance needed!

  3. Resolve to spend 10 minutes a day meditating on how delicious strawberries are.

    Resolve to organize your CD collection by how the disc makes you feel when you play the whole thing through.

    Resolve to spend at least $1 on the feed-hungry-children grocery campaign every single time you go through the checkout line while the campaign is on.

    Resolve to be the one who makes bell-bottoms cool again.

    Resolve to shun Milky Way Midnight candy bars in favor of the original, ditto for non-chocolate coated KitKats.

    Resolve to be that person who runs around correcting people who use “who” when they should have used “whom.”

  4. I resolve to actually pick any wedgies I get instead of suffering through them due to anti-wedgie picking social pressure.

    I resolve to be utterly honest about the host’s musical selection/food/outfit.

    I resolve to sneak calories onto the plate of the next person who resolves to lose weight.

    I resolve to write a bestselling book to swindle all the people who are resolving to make money this year.

    I resolve to tell people what I really think of their children.

    I resolve to have the tackiest yard next holiday season.

    I resolve to gain those last five pounds this year.

    I resolve to finally rob that bank this year.

    I resolve to win the lottery.

    I resolve to watch every youtube video about farts.

    I resolve to slap the next person who annoys me.

    I resolve to stop saying “fuck” and start saying, “rainbow.”

    I resolve to find one of those ATMs that pay 2 to 1.

    I resolve to take the definitive photograph that proves the existence of the Loch Ness Monster.

    I resolve to film an award-winning documentary about the plight of poodles with extremely wealthy owners.

    I resolve to give all my neighbors extreme makeovers.

    I resolve to read The Anarchist Cookbook.

    I resolve find the philosopher’s stone.

    I resolve to find out how many licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop.

    I resolve to be a ballerina for Halloween this year.

  6. Resolve to sleep more.

    Resolve to drink more grapefruit juice.

    Resolve to read about subject/field that was your weakness in school.

    Resolve to walk at least one block/week.

    Resolve to greet every person/animal one meets in the course of the day.

    Resolve to spend at least 15 minutes outdoors.

    Resolve to perform all daily mathematical calculations in roman numerals.

  7. Resolve to use the word “fierce” with the passion and frequency of the contestants on the latest season of Project Runway (i.e., very passionately and ALL the damn time).

    Resolve to be the one who makes the bad “your mom” joke at every opportunity.

    Resolve to smile at babies, even ugly ones.

    Resolve to look at yourself in the mirror every morning and repeat, “I am smart. I am worthy. I am a WINNER!”

    Resolve to use finger-guns and call people “buddy” when for the entire night.

    Resolve to read Feministe at least once a day, click our ads once a week, comment once a month, and donate once a year.

  9. Resolve to tie your sneakers every time you enter the gym.

    Resolve to hug your dog/ cat at least once a day.

    Resolve to nip all nosehairs in the bud (ouch!).

    Resolve to feel fabulous, no matter what, at least twice a week.

    How’s that?

  10. Resolve to learn Swahili, Farsi, Urdu, and/or Lithuanian.

    Resolve to maintain optimal foot care and hygiene at all times.

    Resolve to remove my makeup before going to bed, no matter how tired or drunk I am.

  11. Resolve to masturbate at least once quarterly.

    Resolve to resist the urge to jaywalk and wait for the walk sign at least once this year.

    Resolve not to watch reruns of sitcoms you never liked in the first place.

    Resolve to take the word “cobag” off the internets and into real life.

    Resolve to grow a fern.

    Resolve to actually see all the nominees for the Best Foreign Film Oscar before the award is given.

    Resolve to actually read your next cookbook, instead of flip through a few pages to look at the pictures, and shelve it without thinking about it again.

  12. My actual resolutions this year are to adopt a more condescending, cynical attitude towards the vast majority of people and to stick more things up my butt. I feel reasonably certain I’ll make my goals.

  13. Resolve to start slapping the asses of men in your workplace whenever they do a good job, a la the NFL.

    Resolve to start speaking of every alcoholic beverage in the language of wine criticism. Use phrases such as “full-bodied, with good nose and hints of butter and pencil shavings” when describing anything from a good chardonnay to natty lite.

    Resolve to single-handedly destroy the encroaching trend of skinny jeans.

    Resolve to adopt the admirable (yet extinct) Quaker principle of addressing people in the archaic informal 2nd person.

    Resolve to start your own organic emu farm.

  14. My actual resolutions this year are to adopt a more condescending, cynical attitude towards the vast majority of people and to stick more things up my butt.

    You strike me as the type of person who tried to give up eating spinach for Lent as a child.

    I resolve to handle every situation I encounter this year by thinking “How would Jordan from Scrubs handle this?”

  15. Resolve to determine how many ketchup packets you require at fast food restaurants and do not take any extra.

    Resolve to develop a personal mantra which will be snazzy on a business card. Hand out your mantra as required.

    Resolve to send one e-mail a month to a person you worry you’re not keeping in touch with.

    Resolve to make a scene when it’s called for.

    Resolve to be the antithesis of Dinesh D’Souza.

  16. A friend of mine is going to the type of New Year’s party where people usually start making resolutions.

    What a fucking nightmare. There is nothing less interesting than other people’s personal “resolutions”. I suggest resolving not to go to parties filled with insufferable assholes.

  17. Resolve to (kind of silly/odd things version):

    Adopt a rock.
    Visualize whirled peas… with lots of butter and a sprinkling of onion salt.
    Not kill (my) tomato plants this year. OR ignore the fallen ones (since they make such good compost in situ, but attract fruit flies. Ick).
    Plant something green somewhere that needs it.
    Turn the dang TV off and read something! Or have a conversation! (gasp. the horror. :/ )
    Wear a color you never have.
    Wear a fun hat just the for the fun of it.
    Get striped socks and wear them to work.
    Pet more kitties.

    (For-real ones:)
    – Get to the gym more — I’m paying for the damn membership, I need to go. Twice a week is a good start since I’m teaching 5 dance classes a week and am going to be rehearsing for shows. And I’m wanting to get back to some weight training. My knees are feeling a little creaky.
    – Go to a regular dance class that I’m NOT teaching so I can get MY butt kicked regularly.
    – Cancel all the catalogues that I don’t actually ever order anything out of. Even the really, really cool ones. 🙁 Even if I need to call them several times.
    – Moratorium on buying clothes made in China. I sew and I’m good at thrift shops. I REALLY don’t need to buy clothes made there.
    – Actually use my bike to get around in the summer. (I hear it’s possible to bike in the winter, too. I’m not that crazy yet.)
    – Use or give away ALL the produce that I grow in my garden.
    – Expand said garden. Into the front yard, even. *gasp!*
    – Plant sunflowers.
    – Dance more. Just for the joy of it.
    – Read new books instead of just re-reading favorites.
    — try for something OTHER THAN sci-fi/fantasy.
    – Pet more kitties. 🙂

    Happy New Year, all!

  18. Avoid drinking beer from “twist-off” bottles.
    Floss at least every other month.
    Invite friends over for a Brian Doyle-Murray movie marathon.
    Eat more pork.
    Change your oil.
    Mix baking soda and vinegar.
    Take a book back to the library.
    Get a flu shot.
    Have a “Come as your favorite Muppet” theme party.
    Learn topiary.
    Make lime Jello.
    See if falling off a log is really as easy as its cracked up to be.
    Ride the bus more often.
    Pay that overdue parking ticket.
    Build a birdhouse from a kit.

  22. Slight embarrassment is fine; mortification is not.

    Well, so much for my “wear a hairshirt” resolution.

  23. Resolve to do everything in my power to make the outcome of the 2008 election utterly unlike the last two.

    So Bush won’t be elected and the Republicans will gain seats?

    Resolve to drink more, starting…now.

  24. Slight embarrassment is fine; mortification is not.

    Would the following count as mortification?:

    Resolve to crash more wedding receptions, corporate parties, university seminars, etc for food and fun.

  28. # Meowser says:
    December 30th, 2007 at 5:56 am – Edit

    I resolve never to tell anyone my resolutions, because that pretty much guarantees that they will never happen.

    Doesn’t that mean you have to tell us your resolutions now?

    I know the irony..

    I never make resolutions. No one really keeps them, and if you do, they were things you were going to do anyway.

    *grin*
    LT

  29. Resolve to:

    Wear something sparkly every day for a month.

    Appear in public with cotton-candy-colored hair at least once.

    Walk up to random strangers, grin (or smirk) and say, “Gettin’ crazy wit da Cheez Whiz.”

    Have more sex.

    Pierce something.

    Memorize something by Dr. Seuss. Then recite it in front of an audience.

    Kiss someone who’s not your type.

    Offer to sell bridges to trolls.

    Wear a long floaty hippie skirt and dance. Gender identity irrelevant to this resolution.

    Snuggle a bunny.

    Read a book you’ve never read, by an author you’ve never heard of.

    Find an average teenager, and get them to recommend music. Then listen to it.

    Fingerpaint.

    Take more candlelit baths.

    Play with toys that don’t require electricity.

    and my personal favorite, resolve not to make any New Year’s resolutions.

    Bast

  31. Practice better posture.

    Floss every day.

    Those were mine in high school and eventually they caught on and I’m sure have done nice things for my appearance and health.

  32. Make sure to become known as the office/party flirt/slut. (I might already be there)

    Related: Subtly hit on your friends’ others/partners. Just enough so that your friends are upset, and the other just thinks you’re extremely nice/friendly.

    Resolve to really try absinthe.

    Drink that goldschlager your friend handed you.

    Do whatever you can to get kicked out of your favorite dive bar- it’s an honor, if you really put effort into it.

    Amanda: ‘fraid my boyfriend already employs “cobag”, when describing a true jerk. gross, yet gets the point across.

    oh, and I find that I come across as condescending when I’m not; and that I already have a problem with being cynical. I guess it’s time to celebrate and own these imperfections, eh?

  33. I resolve to finally figure out what the hell is going on on Lost. (an actual resolution, albeit a probably unachievable one!)

    to singlehandedly make sure that Nickelback doesn’t make it back onto the charts, no matter what it takes.

    to vote or die.

  34. Resolve to always drink from the proper side of the coffee cup.
    Resolve to address the pets by ridiculously cutesy names at least once a day (“Kittums” would be the absolute base-level, minimally-acceptable level of cutesy)
    Resolve to steal more candy from babies
    Resolve to ignore the hell out of the housework for another year

  36. I resolve to give our basset more embarrassing nicknames. We already have: Nicky, Nicholas, Knickers, Knick-knack (paddy-whack), Nicolai, and “the Ambulatory Stomach”.

  37. I resolve to handle every situation I encounter this year by thinking “How would Jordan from Scrubs handle this?”

    Best resolution EVER. But if you need more, resolve to…

    Read the complete works of Shakespeare, in chronological order–this is about a play a week, plus a little more for the sonnets. You could read one act a night and still take Friday and Saturday nights off. (I actually plan to do this one of these years, though the next couple look a little busy).

    Not buy any books for a year (another real one, for this year, because I think I’ve bought enough books in the last year to last me a year, and because addictive behaviors are bad, y’all).

    Have heard at least 20 of Pitchfork’s top 100 songs of the year by the time the list comes out (I think I’d hear like… 4 this year. And all thanks to the same friend. I’m slow with music).

    See all the Best Picture nominees before the Oscars.

    Or, pick a really random category, like best costumes, and see all those nominees instead. Hope you like period dramas and terrible adaptations of awesome children’s books (HI GOLDEN COMPASS, I AM TALKING ABOUT YOU).

    Pick an author and read their complete works chronologically. Points if it’s a really major author, bigger points if it’s a really random author, no points if the author only has five or fewer books.

    Go to a concert of a band you’ve never heard, just because it’s cheap/free.

    If you’re in NYC, sign up for Nonsense NYC and go to something you hear about there at least once a month.

    Get all dolled up super fancy style with friends to go to a cheap-ass restaurant.

    Skip shaving your legs for a week. In summer. Go out in a short skirt before the next time you shave.

    Cut your hair yourself (I did this once while having a nervous breakdown and liked the way it looked so much I kept doing it).

  39. Thank you! I’m the one collecting resolutions, and I’m very, very pleased with all of these. Here are a couple that were already on my list.

    I resolve to buy a Betta fish, name it after my favorite pop star, and keep it as a pet.

    I resolve to… go to a baseball game. (Extra points if it’s farm league.)

    I resolve to… read the biography of an important historical figure from the 19th century or earlier.

    I resolve to… throw out that piece of clothing that is ancient and worn out and falling apart, even though I really love it.

    I resolve to… see a movie on opening night.

    I resolve to… learn to swear in a new language.

  40. Related: Subtly hit on your friends’ others/partners. Just enough so that your friends are upset, and the other just thinks you’re extremely nice/friendly.

    I think I did this with my cousin’s husband. Because our extended family runs a bit racist and he’s black, so I went out of my way to make sure everyone knew that I liked him.

    On that line, I resolve to be more annoying to all sorts of ignorant and rude people.

    I resolve to learn to say “Speak Lakota,” “Speak Ojibwe,” “Speak Navajo,” and “Speak Cherokee” in those languages, in anticipation of the next time I hear somebody snapping at Spanish or Muslim immigrants to “Speak English!”

    Other suggestions for off-the-wall resolutions (not too off-the-wall, as I plan on actually making these), are:

    Masturbate more often.
    Stop losing pens the day I start using them.
    Compliment every Ford Mustang I see on what a nice ass it has.
    Memorize a dozen or so Shakespeare quotes, and the play, act, and scene it came from, so that I can randomly use them and cite them in conversation and appear that I am smarter and more well-read than I actually am.
    Dissect no-longer-functional electronic devices to see how they work.

    Ahhh, damn, somebody beat me to “learn to swear in a new language.” Oh well . . . I’ll do it anyway.

  41. Pretend to be a time traveler for one day every year.
    Dress like a ninja in a professional setting, ideally on the international day of the ninja.
    Have more secrets.
    Jump more often.
    .sdrawkcab kaeps ot nraeL

  42. Having realized that some people will be assholes no matter what, I resolve to let them.
    I’ve had too much of continually making excuses for people who never get the hint and change. No more diplomatically trying to help them out of it with “What she really meant to say was X, right?”, no more explaining their behavior away with “He must be really stressed out this week because of that recital he’s practicing for”, no more protective interrupting and cutting them off before they say something stupid.
    Nope. I resolve to just sit back, let them be hoist on their own petard, and smile complacently on the inside. Not my problem.

  43. Memorize something by Dr. Seuss. Then recite it in front of an audience.

    I did that! The Butter Battle Book is great for this one. Especially if you do a good voice for the grandpa.

  44. My actual resolution is going to sound ridiculous, but it comes from the heart: Not to have sex with any woman unless I have a good reason. Yes, this has actually been a problem for me, and I really do intend to change it.
    As for the challenge:
    I will try a new brand of herbal tea every week for three months, and then choose the brand(s) I will buy a large box of to drink during the rest of the year.

  45. My sister has standing resolutions drawn from an order of nuns:
    Poverty, chastity and ignorance.

    She fails early every year and gets them out of the way.

  46. I’m not actually making any this year. Because they are crap.

    But, some more goofy ones would be:

    Call my girlfriend my hot lesbian lover in front of an extended family member.

    Mention that I want to have bi-racial children, cause I think they are prettier to said extended family.

    Actually read one of the lesbian sex books I own and do something i have never done before.

    Buy a strap on!

    Play more board games with my girlfriend.

    Cry more. Cause we are made to clease ourselves every now and then.

    Actually use the correct “then” or “than.”

    Go on a road trip.

    Quote shows like Buffy and Firefly to random people and see if they get it. If they do, they get a gold star.

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