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Mommie Dearest

In response to my reminiscences about childhood hair, Kat posts a little backstory as to why she got to keep her hair long and I had to get it cut. I’d forgotten about the pierced-ear bribe. All I knew was, at the end of the day, I’d gotten suckered into cutting off my hair to get my ears pierced, and she got to keep her hair long and still get her ears pierced. I never knew the role my father played in that.

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My relationship — well, both our relationships — with Mom were complicated. Not a day went by that she didn’t let us know how much we disappointed her, but of course we each disappointed her in our own way. And eventually, we were set against each other. She was the pretty one. I was the fat one, who at least was smart. She’d have a man; I’d have a job. And neither of us were one of her Golden Boys.

Of course, these roles were limiting, and we rebelled against them, which meant that neither of us are very good at either relationships or being long-term employees.

But, like Kat says, I loved her and not a day goes by when I don’t miss her.


22 thoughts on Mommie Dearest

  1. Thank you so much for sharing this. Nice to know there are others who rebelled against their childhood roles set by mothers and are now prone to short term employment relationships.

  2. I think I can empathize, zuzu. I grew up for most of my childhood and adolescence in a single-parent household with my father, and while I don’t doubt that he loved my brother and me, he had a way of letting us know when we came up short, which seemed to be very often.

    Which, I think, has something to do with why I’m not particularly close with my family. I now live 2,000+ miles away, and I think I call once every couple of months.

  3. The one thing we have going for us, Zuzu, is that we recognized that we can acknowledge Mom’s faults and the damage that was done, without losing the love we have for her. I think as adults we are better able to realize that yeah, she may not have been a perfect parent, but she did the best she could with the skills and resources she had. That forgiveness and acceptance is what makes us better able to move forward. And in my case, I think it helps me try not to revisit that same dysfunction on my own kids (although I do maintain a college/therapy fund for them to use someday, ha ha).

    That is what we have that the Golden Boys do not. They are still wallowing in it and muddling up their own family dynamics because of it.

  4. As I’ve gotten older, I’ve figured out that no parents are perfect parents. And one of the most amazing things about where I am now with mine is that I can see them as human beings, as screwed up as anyone on the planet, and love them anyway. And forgive them for being human, and what that did to my life.

  5. And one of the most amazing things about where I am now with mine is that I can see them as human beings, as screwed up as anyone on the planet, and love them anyway. And forgive them for being human, and what that did to my life.

    I’m still struggling to get to that point with my dad (I’m in my late 20s), but it’s always good to see a reminder. And to remind myself that despite his myriad flaws and foibles, he really does genuinely love me a whole lot. And I him.

    For me it’s always been my dad that I’ve struggled with, not my mom. I know they say that girls and their mothers have Issues, but that isn’t how it is with me. My mom and I get along famously. It’s just my dad that drives me loony.

  6. Who are her GOlden Boys? Do you have Brothers? Or does she raise Retreviers?

    Actually, we did have golden retrievers growing up. But the “Golden Boys” are the 4 brothers. My mother did not speak against the boys.

  7. I ended up in therapy for seven years sorting out the relationship I have with my father. (My mother died when I was seven, so that’s a completely different kind of complication.) It was the best money I ever spent — we get along better than ever now that I understand him more. He made some major mistakes as a parent, but he did so much better than his emotionally abusive father that it’s amazing and inspiring to me that my father did as well as he did now that I know the whole story.

  8. Oh, and all of these stories have been completely cracking me up because when I was 6, I specifically requested the Dorothy Hamill ‘do. It didn’t look great, but at least I didn’t get huge nasty snarls that had to be cut out of my hair anymore.

  9. Mnemosyne:

    I specifically requested the Dorothy Hamill ‘do.

    Oh, god – I was forcibly given the dorothy hamill at about the same age (I’m 38 now, for reference). My mom took me to the salon and said “Give her the dorothy hamill!” without taking into account my fine, flat hair. So in reality i had the “Prince Valiant”.. egh.

    Everyone thought I was a boy until puberty struck.

  10. I hate the “pretty one” – “smart one” dichotomy. My sister and I look nearly identical, or would if I were 30 lbs lighter, wore highlights, skirts, and makeup. And she is bright; incredibly so, despite the fact that she often pretends to be stupider than she is in order to fit her persona. And yet, she will always be the pretty one, and I will always be the smart one, and we will inhabit those roles to our own detriment for the rest of our lives.

  11. I’m very grateful that my parents didn’t pull the pretty one/smart one dichotomy, though I have those feelings anyway because my sister is naturally thin and was a model in her late teens. We somewhat categorized as “the brilliant artist” and “the shrewd scientist”, but not as unbreakable molds. Hairdos on the other hand, were a BIG source of struggle between me and my Mum.

    I was not permitted to wear my hair short, even though I had NO IDEA how to take care of it and looked like a squirrel had set up home on the back of my head for about a year. Finally my Dad, who was the only one I let work on the tangles (even then there was much screaming), insisted that I be allowed to have it cut shorter, since I was the one taking care of it. My mum had this obsession with how I had pretty hair, and how it would only look good long while I was young. I think this was when she started going gray and wore it much shorter than she had before, so she wanted to make sure her 7 year old daughter knew to appreciate still being blonde?

  12. JoAsakura, I also had the Prince Valiant! Although mine was slightly adapted to have little Farrah-like wings on the sides, which, being as I had flat straight hair and all, usually just made it look like the hairdresser really botched the length near my ears. 🙂

  13. My much older sisters seemed to have the smart/pretty conflict dichotomy going for some time, but I always thought I wasn’t a part of that… Until a few years ago, visiting one of my sisters, she introduced me to her friend as The Pretty One. Of course I was offended. “I’m fucking smart, too.” Even thinking about that now rankles me.

    This unspoken conflict does lead to some interesting family dynamics, especially holidays when someone insists on dragging out the board games. Scrabble games with my sisters are cut-throat. We might as well be playing to the death.

  14. I hate the “pretty one” – “smart one” dichotomy.

    Ugh. Yes. Me, too. Especially because since my sister was very smart, that left me to fill the “pretty one” role. While I was not unpleasant to look, I was certainly no beauty and had no natural grace whatsoever–so doomed to disappoint in the “pretty one” role right from the get-go. And anything I did academically was never really acknowledge. I think Zuzu got the exact opposite… academics applauded, aesthetics ignored.

    Having revisited these roles today has made me sit and think about the way I think about my sons. I have unwittingly put them in their own roles–the older is my sweet, worried thinker; my younger the crazy, fearless daredevil. My little guy started kindergarten last week and his teacher has reported that he’s shy, which I could not believe.

    So, anyhow, today was a good reminder that I need to look at them for who they are and not classify them into “this one” or “that one.”

  15. I’m an only child, so I can’t comment on that, but hair was a huge issue to me as a child. I think it is cruel to force a certain hairstyle on a child who adamently opposes it.
    I was forced to have hair shorter than my ears. I looked like a boy. All I wanted was to be a pretty long-haired princess. I realize that that’s patriarchal and all, but surely I should have been allowed to at least have shoulder-length hair. It was also not allowed to be straight, it had to be permed.
    I now have nearly knee-length hair that is indelibly associated in my mind with my femininity and sexuality.

  16. I am suddenly extremely grateful to my mom for NOT putting my lil sister and I into the pretty/smart dichotomy.

    Others do, though. V’s sixteen, skinny, short, and darkly beautiful. I’m 22 and my favorite descriptor of myself is “stubby”. I took a shitload of advanced classes in high school. V’s struggling to graduate on time.

    V’s guidance counselor refused to let her take a science class this year because she’s “the stupid one”. Mom blew her top and chewed that ass out – pointing out, rightly, that someone who’s in school at the same time that her brother is assaulted, her parents divorce, and she’s diagnosed with depression might be expected to have some academic trouble, and that that has no bearing on her intelligence.

    The only time I ever came close to hitting my sister was when she told me that I was the smart one, so brains didn’t matter where she was concerned. (And not in a flippant way; she honestly meant it – at the time.) Mom blew her top over that, too.

    On the flip side, I still remember the day I came upstairs and remarked that I had rather nice eyes. V’s response? “This surprises you?” Mom’s: “Told you so.”

    …It sucks that despite having a mother who refused to categorize us as “the smart one” and “the pretty one”, we still get stuck in those roles.

    (Sorry. A bit rambly, but I don’t praise my mom and sister enough.)

  17. Ugh. Yes. Me, too. Especially because since my sister was very smart, that left me to fill the “pretty one” role. While I was not unpleasant to look, I was certainly no beauty and had no natural grace whatsoever–so doomed to disappoint in the “pretty one” role right from the get-go. And anything I did academically was never really acknowledge. I think Zuzu got the exact opposite… academics applauded, aesthetics ignored.

    Hell, yes. They didn’t even bother to tell me to stand up straight, like they did you, because what was the point? You only need posture if a man’s going to look at you, and no man was ever going to look at me. For the same milestone (and I forget if it was Confirmation or HS graduation), you got a hope chest, and I got a necklace.

    Of course, you also had the highest cumulative SAT score of anyone in the family, but I don’t remember that being made any sort of deal of.

    It was eventually acknowledged that I had a pretty face, but that’s one of those backhanded things. And when I lost all that weight in college,* Mom went weirdly overboard to make up for lost time, but I just refused at some point to let her know anything, since she’d written me off so young. I remember the only time when she met anyone who I’d ever dated, Kevin (a guy from work who’d been one of my editors and had agreed to write me a recommendation letter for law school). I was living at home at the time, and he’d decided to drop them by on the way to his parents’ house rather than mail them. Mom got all batty-lashed and singsongy, because I’d made the mistake of mentioning him to her at one point (we were already done by then). When he was gone, she said to me in shock, “He’s cute.”

    And he was: 6’5″, lanky, piercing blue eyes, dark hair and beard. The message was clear, though: How did YOU get HIM?

    And I said, “Thanks, Mom.” And, thinking of the Canadian gymnast with whom I’d fooled around with prior to Kevin during a group trip to Vermont, I added, “And he’s not the cutest.”

    That shut her up for a while.
    _______

    *I lost something like 130 pounds during college, just from the shift in eating habits and activity levels, plus being away from my dysfunctional home. I didn’t become thin, but I got close. I maintained that without too much trouble until about 6 years ago, when Prozac put 30 pounds on me in a month, and then a spiral of depression and traumas too numerous to mention led to another 60 pounds.

  18. I’m amazed at what a contentious issue hair seems to have been between mothers and daughters. Mine let me choose my hairstyle as soon as I got old enough to express my opinion on the subject.

    Within limits. I never did get the suck-my-finger-in-an-electric-socket spiked neon blue hair I wanted in high school.

  19. I let them choose their hair, I have twin girls, and there is a “pretty one” and a “smart one” dichotomy now.

    There never use to be. When they were 6, after moving back to my parents after the divorce, there wasn’t a dichotomy, they were just different in their personalities. My Oldest was the out going party type, joker and all around funny girl. The youngest was very shy and hard to talk to, she was the dominant twin though. What she wanted she got, and she didn’t want much at that time.

    Then came the removal of my full custody through no fault of my own. He walked out when they were 2, and decided after diapers and potty training was done, he could deal with the twins better. Cause see, they took all my time between work and him I had no time for “him” so he left. Decided he liked them now and sued for custody.

    12 yrs later I am still fighting and I honestly don’t know why anymore.

    They are completely different girls now. The courts figured a single mom wasn’t good enough to raise her own twins so they gave them to their dad. I lost my custody and any say I had in the matter. They now call their step-mom, Mother and I am dead to them while they are at their dad’s. Which atm is most of the time.

    I have been working 9 months now just to get them back, paying lawyer fees, and just recently was hit with 440 dollars in child support . He never paid that much when I had them, you would think I was robbing a bank to have to pay that much in child support. On top of their therapy and meds, ect.

    Anyway, one is now very fat, and after all my expressed concerns and visits to doc, she is diabetic and he doesn’t give a shit. The other is turning into a slut and there isn’t a damn thing I can do to change it.

    I got a call from the school the other day, they caught her in the bathroom having sex with a boy.

    How do you handle something like that?

    Oh did I mention that since they took my girls they are both suicidal? Yeah their therapist says I put them up to it.

    I spend less then 1 week out of a MONTH with my girls anymore, and ALL of that time is going to the therapist or spent driving between my apartment and his house. I don’t have time to put them up to anything.

    Just to be clear, I have never hurt my girls in any way shape or form, I don’t do drugs and I don’t drink. I lost my girls because my MOTHER was convicted of a misdemeanor in covering up abuse from my brother. I was living there with my girls at the time as I have been injured the last 4 yrs. (serious back injury).

    I was told to move out, that took me 6 months to do, on hud housing and food stamps and lots of help from friends. I did it, and they refuse to give me my girls back. Apparently I spent too long trying to find an apartment after being told I couldn’t have the girls at my parents. Other then that, I haven’t been charged with anything, the investigation didn’t reveal anything “bad” about me. I am not a bad mother. But I just can’t be around my kids all that much. For a reason that has yet to be disclosed.

    I guess I don’t like how he is raising them eh?

    Anyway, I rather none of it happened but I can’t change it now. But to help offset the damage this past weekend I bought my oldest a modestly sexy outfit, (the smart one) and told her to stand up straight and helped her fix her hair. She doesn’t want to wear makeup so I won’t force it. But trying to encourage her that she is beautiful no matter her size is the damnedest hardest thing. Next to loosing them that is..

    I am praying they will be home for christmas. Should prayers be answered that would be the only thing I would wish for.

    LT.

  20. Of course, you also had the highest cumulative SAT score of anyone in the family, but I don’t remember that being made any sort of deal of.

    1260, thank you very much 🙂

    Not bad for someone they sent to college to get her M.R.S.

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