In defense of the sanctimonious women's studies set || First feminist blog on the internet

Awkward conversations

evil fizz

First off, this will be my last post of the week. It’s been lovely and I’m so pleased to have had the opportunity. So come by and chat at my blog if you’re so inclined.

I figured that for my last post, I’d go for a little navel gazing and then one last picture of Bronx.

When I went to go meet T’s extended family for the first time last Christmas, I knew in advance that they were a conservative lot. I also know that I am not all that great at keeping my mouth shut, smiling, and nodding. I can do it for short periods of time and then I’m forced to drag T aside and rant about whatever is chapping my hide at the present moment while he implores me to keep my voice down and agrees with me all in one breath. And when we were greeting at the door by T’s aunt, smiling and wearing a bejeweled God brooch, I knew that I was more unprepared than I realized.

As I was introduced to T’s aunts, uncles, cousins, and cousins’ kids, they were all very pleasant. They said how nice it was to meet me and how lovely the wedding was going to be. And then they stopped. I waited for them to ask about law school or working for the Army or my family or *anything*. Nothing. T kept on answering his uncles’ questions about school or what he was up to professionally these days, but every question posed to me was about the wedding.

It was then that I had an important realization: with one exception, all of T’s female cousins and the wives of his male cousins are all stay at home moms. (The one who’s not a SAHM is single and works in retail.) They all live in the same small town and belong to locally prominent families. They’re well educated and well off. And we have nothing at all in common.

Under normal family circumstances, I wouldn’t worry too much about this. I’d see them at holidays, smile, nod, and drink a lot of Christmas punch. But come September, I am going to have to chat with all of the women in T’s family for an entire afternoon during a wedding shower.* My wedding shower.

Every wedding shower I’ve ever been to has been awash in gendered traditions, giggling about sex, and some really, really bizarre ideas about the inherent nature of men and women, none of which I want any part of. I could deal with the giggling about sex, but probably not with this crowd. My future mother-in-law is throwing the shower and has promised that there will be no ridiculous games and similar, but I’m still nervous. Are there survival tips for dealing with people you barely know, must make nice to, with whom you have nothing in common? I’ve already made a note of not mentioning my own lack of desire to be a SAHM or waxing poetic about Linda Hirschman. But beyond that, I’m not too sure.

In my own way, I’m mostly worried about being judged for not changing my name, not planning to stay at home, and dragging T to all corners of the globe while I work for the Army. Reading what I’ve just typed, I still have a hard time processing the fact that any of those things would be controversial or cause for comment, although I know they will be. And I know who to blame.

*BTW, is there a purpose for wedding showers besides getting more gifts?

P.S. And before I depart, one last puppy picture:

43 thoughts on Awkward conversations

  1. My only advice is to smile and nod, smile and nod. When I got married, I was put through THREE wedding showers. I was given kitchen items (I hate to cook) and bathroom items (because everyone needs a matching toothbrush holder/soapdish set) and had to deflect many mentions of babies, especially when they were accompanied by giggles (babies come from the dirty sex!).

  2. My wedding shower was pretty painful. The only game I remember was a guess-the-spice game which might make sense if, you know, I knew anything about cooking. My prime bachelorette culinary achievement was…. throwing bacon bits in my rice-a-roni. I also do NOT LIKE pretending to be all super! incredibly! happy! about presents. I don’t like pretending to be all super-excited, period. I would much rather open the gifts in private, thank you. So the entire point of the shower… yeah, bleh.

    Then came the second reception, over here in Pittsburgh (wedding and shower were in California) with his extended family and friends. There were also a few mutual friends and I, um… pretty much stuck around them! Yes, I am a bad “wife,” that is, socializer and uniter of families, etc. etc. Oh well. I won’t even see these people at holidays. I love his immediate family, but while I wish his extended family well, I’m not going to put a lot of effort into pretending like we’ve been friends our whole lives. Not my way.

    So… I don’t have much advice. But you have my sympathies. The wedding planning and all the assumptions surrounding it pretty much sucked.

  3. Oh, and I had to roll my eyes through the whole “however many bows you break on the gift is how many children you’ll have” deal. I wish you luck, because wedding showers are suck.

  4. H-m-m Lauren is getting married in a short while. Do you think she would like to have a blog-shower? We could start a whole new trend.

  5. Yep, smile and nod. Grab a Miss Manners book if you have time since she always has good advice on how to answer nosy questions with non-sequiturs. (“So, are you going to keep working after you start having kids?” “My, this is a lovely party.”)

    I didn’t get any wedding showers at all, which means that though we hoped to break even on the whole wedding thing, we ended up a bit in the red after all was said and done. Yet another reason not to spend more than you can afford (we did at least manage that).

  6. Your blog link doesn’t work… you have to take out the “www.” for a LiveJournal address…

  9. My tip? Use the opportunity to gather some info on the various people who’ll be there since you’ll be able to use it at future gatherings.

    Don’t just smile and nod – ask them questions about themselves. It’ll deflect from YOU and it’ll make them all happy-feeling (because people love to be asked genuine questions about themselves!)

    At future gatherings you’ll know that Aunt M thinks the WORST thing in the entire world is when women use pacifiers to keep babies quiet – so you’ll know that bringing it up in conversation is not going to lead to a nice discussion. (Then you can make an educated choice as to whether you’re feeling feisty and want to bring the hot subject up or not!)

    Question where people got X or Y, how long they’ve been married, how old their kids are, what colour do they like best for X, etc.. Be polite, politic, friendly and ask for their opinions or thoughts and you’ll be fine – and possibly even a bit entertained.

    Best of all? If they ask you a question about X, you don’t have to answer! Just ask them how THEY feel about it. “Are you planning to work after you get married?” “It’s funny you’d ask! My friend was JUST asking me the same question and I was curious what other people think. I mean, did YOU go back to work after you got married? My sister did but my cousin didn’t.. Gosh, look at this BEAUTIFUL towel holder!”

    Clearly, however, rambling on is not a problem for me.. yeeah.

  10. This is going to sound like a totally obnoxious answer, but I’ve found that the best way to deal with relatives with whom I have nothing in common is to be genuinely curious about their lives. I ask them lots of questions about their kids and their hobbies (I now know an awful lot about postcard collecting and local maritime history….) and PTA politics and their kitchen remodeling projects and whatnot. It’s sort of interesting to get a glimpse into how other people live, and it just seems to work out better if I make the effort. I realized at some point that my relatives all assumed that I thought I was better than them, because I’m more educated and big-citified than they are, and that I needed to make an effort to show them that I’m interested in the things that are important to them. And I’ve actually turned out to have some stuff in common with some of them, although it’s mostly pretty superficial stuff. It helps, I guess, that I like cooking and bad television. Last time I was forced to hang out with my mom’s most reactionary cousin, we had a perfectly nice conversation about pickles and how I would go about making them. She may be a horrid person, but she’s a font of information about how to make your own pickles….

    Anyway, good luck. I’m sure it will be fine.

  11. The one and only marriage I ever had didn’t include a big wedding, relatives or a shower. Neither my ex nor myself were getting on well with our families, so we were on our own. My family had good reason to dislike my ex and his family had good enough reason to doubt the seriousness of his commitment. It would have been nice if I had not been treated like a pariah and more like the naive girl I was, and his family told me the truth about him, but they didn’t.

    Which comes to my point that since you are going to be traveling a lot, more than likely you won’t run into his family much. Also, since you are independent more than likely, you won’t be needing them much. So, I’d just grin and bear it. I think M’s advice to read up a little on Miss Manners is excellent. Good manners and smiles will help to overcome you’re anxiety and since they probably aren’t too interested in your politics, or anyone else’s (most Americans don’t like to talk politics or religion) you should sail through fine. Limit your alcohol intake dramatically, if they offer, as even a little may loosen you up a bit more than you’d like.

    On the other hand, I appreciate your honesty and candidness about such a topic. I think all of us feminist/independent women run up against the social blockade of traditionalism and it is a minefield that sometimes, in the interest of long term peace and recognition that we can’t change everyone everywhere, careful and judicious negotiation is the best rule.

    One of my biggest faux pas with groups like these was a tendency to congregate and socialize more with the guys (because let’s face it, they are the ones who are doing stuff more like what we are doing), which infuriates traditionalist women. The men will find you exciting and encourage conversation with you, which is a good thing for family politics, just temper it wisely — I speak from experience.

  12. Ah, at last some benefit from being old:

    So what have you been reading lately?

    This will either get an interesting response or they run away from YOU. Either way, you win.

    (As an aside, please remember that not all stay at home moms are lifeless. Some of us have special needs children and really didn’t have a choice.)

  13. I probably need to lay off the sugar, but my first thought was, “Wedding shower! It’s not a clown car!” 🙂 I mean, suppose your parents got a divorce and remarried. Suppose your SO’s parents got a divorce and remarried. FOUR sets of parents? You’ve GOT to be kidding me. And that’s not even going into poly-ness! 🙂

    I agree it’s probably good to have your in-law’s telephone number, in case a safe or piano falls on the loved one, but other than that make a deal with your lover along the lines of, you deal with yours, I’ll deal with mine?

    On a more serious note, really, what’s the point? If you’re certain you’ll have a crap time, and they’ll think you’ll be a bad wife, why go through the motions and waste time with them that you’ll never get back? It’d just lay the groundwork for more pointless meetings.

  14. When I have to get along with people I don’t like, I pretend that I’m a spy or a diplomat, and it’s just my job to be polite to them. I don’t have to share my beliefs with them, and I don’t have to like them, but we can still be civil. There’s an art to it.

  15. Agreed, Sandblaster- me too.

    Never had to endure the dreaded shower; got married 1000 miles from home, so Mom held one for me in absentia and packed a long detailed letter with boxes o’loot. (I LOVE MA…) She did the same thing 3 years later when our first kid was born. Saved me a ton of “what the hell is THIS supposed to be for?”

    Evil fizz, you are super-sharp; you’ll get through it. When in doubt, ask about THEM- they will think you are so interesting and wonderful, because you focus on them. Consider it similar to a job interview? And just tell yourself, “I can hang in there for another x hours”.

  16. In re: offensive comments, my mom taught me this one phrase: “I can certainly see how you would feel that way.” Follow with an innocuous compliment or statement. “Did you make the bean dip? It’s excellent.”

    It works wonders around people who say offensive things, but that aren’t quite offensive enough to require confronting. Reasonable people will also take the hint and go with safer topics, like sweaters and bean dip. Nobody wants to be the person who ruins the party and they’ll usually take the out. Just to be safe, have an excuse planned. “Excuse me, I need to go to the powder room.” “I think mom needs help in the kitchen.” “Looks like I need a refill!” “Have you seen Karen? I have to ask her something. I think she’s in the other room.”

    You can talk to anyone about the weather, the commute, parking, and bizarre news (talking dogs, not politics, unless a talking dog is running.) You can sometimes ask about general-interest movies, like Spiderman or something that doesn’t have a lot of controversy. If you pretend you’ve never seen it, you can get the other person to tell you about it and they’ll feel like they’re giving good advice and sharing with you, which is friendly. Other people like to be asked for their expertise.

    If you’re just starting a conversation with a stranger, and it’s someone you’re supposed to get to know because they are suddenly your family, it’s perfectly acceptable to say something like, “I’m so glad I finally get to meet you. I’ve heard so much about T’s family. I hear you (X activity or interest) and I’ve always wondered (make something relevant up.)” People LOVE to talk about themselves, and that’s the easiest way to discover the hidden things that you probably have in common.

    If the wedding shower is a total bomb, you can make up for it at the next Big Family Event by making friends with the kids first. Go hang out with the kids, who won’t care so long as you are the “cool adult,” and because the kids like you, their parents will try harder and make more of an effort.

    You know, the SAHM’s in your new family are probably just as intimidated as you are because they don’t have a lot in common with you on the surface. They’re reasonable people who don’t want to make you feel shunned, so of course they’re going to be shy. You know and they know that you’re going to have to talk to each other for the rest of your lives, even if it’s once a year, since you’re marrying into the family, so naturally everyone wants to keep the peace.

  17. Just take the presents & run. Exchange ’em if you don’t want ’em. That was one of the most fun things my husband and i did — took back the 40 wine glasses & got some cookware we really wanted, instead. (You might take back cookware and get wine glasses, of course…this was just my example!)

    Weddings are hard. As much as you want things to be low key, or personalized, or whatever your desire, they are a pretty public celebration, leading people to believe they have ownership in the wedding, marriage, & (non-)procreating. Throw the wild card of “family” into the mix, and it’s a real stressor.

    Just try your best to detach, and to keep asking yourself that question too few of us women are ever taught to ask: “Hmmm, what do I want?

  19. Ah, but if you decide to lighten the mood at your wedding if something goes wrong, it can turn around and bite you later.

    The minister we hired was a half-hour late (got married in private room of our fave restaurant). That and the fact that no one was marching my 27 yr old butt down an aisle in a church had already caused my future MIL to be in a snit for weeks- she also threw a fit in the limo on way over because no one remembered the “something old/new/borrowed/blue” game. We all dug around for stuff; she finally scribbled “something blue” in blue ink on a scrap of paper and insisted I stuff it into my bra.

    So when we told our guests we had a delay, my husband’s best pal good-naturedly took me to a window and in a loud stage whisper, told me this was a sign and RUN WHILE YOU CAN! So my uncle got photos of the pal and I pretending to head out the window. Everyone (except MIL) laughed.

    Sure enough, MIL last year wrote in our anniversary card how “can it really be 14 years since Louise tried to jump out a window?”

    So relax, evil fizz- the bitchiest MIL has already been assigned! Fortunately, her son is a sweetheart of a guy and knows what his mother is.

  20. I will definitely be part of the Lauren blog-shower. In fact, we ought to have a darned “feminist blogosphere” registry, where bloggers who are undergoing major shower-worthy events (divorces, graduations, marriages, domestic unions, moving to new places, reproducing, adopting, etc.) could register for blog-appropriate gifts (like a year’s worth of free hosting, and so forth.)

  21. One purpose for wedding showers is for the women of the bride’s family (including the bride, of course) to get to know the women of the groom’s family. The presents get a lot more attention these days. There’s also a social expectation that women will behave differently when men aren’t around, and there’s some value in getting a headstart on the connections before you’re all part of the same family and expected to socialize together at holidays. In some families, there are also expectations about women helping each other in sickness or other crisis…it’s best to know these people before you need to work with them to help coordinate care for your grandparents-in-law, or whatever.

    I think the silly party game rituals people do at showers are supposed to get people to start talking to each other, instead of standing around thinking, “Omigosh, this *stranger* is about to be part of my family!” and just staring at each other. I’d suggest asking questions about family history. (Being polite and attentive to elderly relatives might make his family think well of you.) You can also ask for stories of your fiance’s childhood.

  22. OK, I didn’t have a wedding shower, but FWIW: instead of smiling & nodding, why not take more conversational initiative? “What have you been reading lately” is a good question, as noted above. I would also think that a gathering with a bunch of your fiance’s family members would be an IDEAL time to find out more about what he was like as a kid. I dunno, maybe I’m a sucker, but I LOVE seeing photos from my husband’s childhood, and the conversations I have about him with his hyper-religious, emotionally erratic, kinda intrusive mother are about the only ones I honestly enjoy. If you want these people to know *you* better, though, it sounds as though you’ll have to just start talking about yourself and your interests whether or not they ask. (You know, make them smile and nod for a change.)

  23. Well, as a tradition, there are worse ones. And you do have some say in what you get by where you register. I think you’re worrying too much; showers are only a few hours long, plus whatever time you need to write thank you notes, and/or exchange gifts. At least one or two people there might genuinely be wishing you happiness, and that’s worth something.

    And yeah, it’s adapted from a Victorian fad of “showering” a woman with gifts. It does allow people who can’t attend your wedding, or who want to give *you* as opposed to the two of you, something special/personal. It is supposed to be women-giving-to-women for that reason; kind of a send-off. Which makes it less hateful, to me.

    Ya’ll must go to different showers than we do down here in the South; Baptists don’t talk about Sex or give underwear at showers. It’s all appliances/sheets/towels, etc.

  24. I would really NOT smile and nod if they say something offensive. Of course, one should thank people for gifts (even when they suck), and be kind up to a point. However, if people assume stereotypical nonsense about you or ask rude questions or make inane gendered statements about how men are so stupid you just have to clean up after them, you should speak up now. They might as well get used to the fact that you have a brain and opinions. Hell, if you do not want the shower and are willing to forego the gifts, explain how you feel about gender segregated parties. I avoided making a stand about something with my spouse’s family early in the courtship, and I have never forgiven myself. It poisoned the relationship with them to a degree, although we get along well now.

  25. I’m the same Saffron. I can’t take offensive comments with a smile, I am a smart ass and can’t hold my tongue. But fortunately my fiance’s family is a dream. His mom is so sweet and supportive and we have knitting in common. His dad and I agree on politics and we can have good conversation. Plus I probably won’t have too many offensive comments seeing as the rest of his family is far away in Germany and few of them speak english. So it’s not even as if I will understand them, but I’m working on the language barrier. I really can’t wait to be a part of his family.

    But yes, I’ve only been to one wedding shower. I thought the games were really cheesy, so I’d prefer just eating, talking, and getting presents. And cake…lots of cake!!!

  26. These are T’s relatives, not yours, correct? Why on earth can’t T run a little interference for you ahead of time?

  28. I can’t contribute much here, except to say that the concept of a baby shower is now terrifying me more than having the baby itself. And that’s something, considering that I’ve seen videos.

    Anyway, I agree with Saffron. I sure as hell can’t ignore a rude comment without feeling angry and awkward, but I don’t want to ’cause a scene’ (because people will give me shit for it later). Ergo, you need to aim for the mark where you say something about an uncalled for comment without getting in their face. I have little experience with ‘family politics’, but I find polite sarcasm works. You’re being polite, but you have that slight edge in your voice that is telling them to back off without being hostile. Like, “Gosh, that’s incredibly interesting. You must tell me all about it some other time,” or “Well, that’s a very interesting perspective. Tea?” or “Wow, I’ve never heard that before.”

    Because don’t forget, there will always be someone who will try to insult you with subtle comments, and confronting them just makes you fall into their trap. Nip it in the bud with faux-politeness.

  29. Wow, Claudia has a more open-minded approach to showers than I do, and it was healthy for me to read it. I think that it’s all about getting more gifts, and accordingly, I’ve felt for a long time that it’s super-tacky and fairly selfish to have one. But Claudia raises good points that might make me reconsider.

  30. In Buddhism, there is a day-long, walking exercise you can you that might help out during this shower. Essentially, one is supposed to try to imagine each individual as a Buddha, and enlightened one who is trying to help you to wake up to your own englightment. If someone cuts you off in traffic and then anger rises within you, explore that. If someone is rude to you at the store, how might that Buddha be trying to convey a lesson about loving kindness? In the case of the shower, when confronted with patriarchy-loving rhetoric, how might that Buddha really be helping you to furtherly achieve your Feminist Consciousness? (Feminist Consciousness in the spirit of loving kindness?). Each time you see a woman totally misapprehend your life, how might that play into your engagement with women whose privilege and experiences favor a system of patriarchial collusion? Of anti-feminism? You could really take this opportunity explore your own responses to these people and their beliefs without compromising your sense of justice and values.

    Peace

  31. Am I the only one who thinks the question of whether or not to stay home after you get married is really weird? I mean, what would you stay at home to do? Obviously, if you stay at home after you have kids you’re taking care of them, but being married doesn’t (shouldn’t?) require that level of work, by far. One of my friends through church got married last year and quit her job, and that was really weird. She was so excited that she was able to quit her job, but (at least until she went back to school about 6 months later) I was really confused. They were living together beforehand, so why did things have to change with the wedding? Couldn’t she have stopped working before the wedding if she hated her job that much? Couldn’t she have gone to school or found a different job? I don’t know. I think everyone else at church thinks the whole thing is weird, but she just seems so excited to be a housewife that we really don’t want to say anything.

  32. My MIL threw me a bridal shower, which I think is a wonderful thing to do, except she’s the kind of personal who treats differences as insults, and she never forgives insults. Ever. So our relationship was doomed from the start.

    She had this game planned where she numbered presents, then put the numbers inside balloons, and I had to sit on the balloon and pop it to get the number, then open the corresponding present. Unfortunately, I can’t bear the sound of a popping balloon – I’m almost phobic about it – so it was the worst possible game for me. I was already stressed enough, and I had to refuse to sit on the balloons. I tried to be nice about it, but I just couldn’t bring myself to do it, and she wouldn’t take no for an answer. As a compromise, I got my dog to bite each balloon for me, which he loved doing, but my mother in law got really pissed at me for not “doing it right,” even. though I was in tears by the end of the game. She’s still pissed, seriously.

    I feel bad about this because it’s nice to have someone throw you a party (even if they’re only doing it out of a sense of obligation), and I was willing to suffer through almost every stupid game, but she just picked the one game I couldn’t bring myself to do.

  33. I hate wedding showers. I hate them more even now because over time, at least in my family circle, they have become even more infused with spending money and throwing the most lavish shower and other such silly family politics that really shouldn’t matter. In fact, I didn’t get invited to an event-requiring-gift for my cousin last year, because even though they apparently thought that I had the money for the $500+ it cost me to be in her wedding, her family thought I couldn’t afford the $50 gift this event would have required so they didn’t want to “burden” me. In fact, no one in my immediate family even knew that I wasn’t invited til my mother called me up the day before and asked if I needed a ride. A ride to what, mom?
    I always figured family events were supposed to be about family and not money, and that if they were really concerned about my financial standing they would have said instead “come to our party but don’t worry about gifts.”

    Good luck.

  34. Flea, you win. She sounds psychotic at worst and immature at best.

    Worst my MIL ever did was grab the phone, slapping my face in the process, because I had snuck off upstairs (IN MY OWN HOME) to call my brother-in-law, asking him to come get his mother. On Xmas Eve. Unbeknowest to me, she had followed me when I left the kitchen, where she had been loudly berating my husband (who since that day, has grown a spine).

    That was over a decade ago, but I don’t forget EITHER.

  35. You know, I don’t really have much to contribute, except to say right now I am REALLY happy I’m lesbian.

    Not that I don’t want to married, because I do, but we do kinda get an ‘out’ on a lot of that gendered performances. Not to mention if you’re disowned, half the problem is already gone (hey, silver lining here people).

    I have been to showers for friends, and it was like stepping into some weird alternate dimension, where everything looks and feels the same, but there are apprently rules that you’ve had no idea about.

    One shower there were just all these women sitting around discussing in intimate details their weddings, and all the different events that surround such. Some of these women didn’t even have boyfriends (I was the token lesbian, and a femme at that). They had known the fine details and procedures of these since they were little, and had planned these things like it were D-Day. Things I not only hadn’t planned, but didn’t even know of.

    It was like I was in a foreign country.

    Luckily there were a couple other women who while being straight, were definitely closer to my mindset, and we sat together and fended off people for each other. I was so happy for my friend, that she had found someone she loved that much, but I REALLY felt being gay in that situation … REALLY gay.

    My thing is that I will let the minor stupid comments go past. But at some point to let a comment go would be to effectively lie, and I’m not going to do that. Maybe it makes me a bitch, and maybe not, but I will politely and respectfully disagree. If they can’t take that, then really, I’m not planning on hanging out with them anyway, and so long as I am not rude, it’s their own fault in expressing stupid-arse opinions.

  36. Wedding showers make me twitch, personally; as do baby showers. That said, there are a couple of socially acceptable things that you could do to help make sure that this is a reasonably pain-free experience for you, particularly since you aren’t well-known and close to your future in laws.
    I suggest asking a good friend to join you at the shower (seriously, you need someone with whom you share non-verbal communication) and share an introductory e-mail with her and your future MiL, wherein she offers her help with the planning of the party, and can veto any seriously distasteful stuff. Make sure she’s a very good friend with diplomatic skills and patience. Bribery is an option.
    I know it sounds vaguely like social espionage, but in all honesty this is an acceptable way of dealing with disparate social norms among groups of women. You need an ambassador, and you need someone who’s ‘on your side’ in the room when you have to graciously decline or tolerate something difficult. Weddings are deeply emotional events that are laden with wierd-ass traditions and norms depending on the culture that you’re dealing with. Decoding these while being the cynosure of attention is wearing, so the mole factor is useful in other ways, at least you’ll be prepared, and your MiL will be happy to meet and get to know someone who’s close to you and who can give HER some insight into your personality. Plus…showers are a pain in the ass to throw, and she might be grateful for the help, if it’s kindly and openly offered. I’m from a muslim family, and a carribean transplantee, so american social stuffs really confuse me between the deeply southern Texas traditions and the patriarchal protestantism. I think though, that this is a Stranger in a Strange Land moment for all of you, and finding common ground is a good way to learn to deal with one another. Good luck with the shower and best wishes on the marriage!

  38. I’ve never been married, but O Yes I have been to showers. I agree with the benign anthropological approach suggested by a number of commenters – the questions, the eliciting of details about your partner’s embarrassing pre-you life, etc. But you’ve got to prepare.

    Think of the questions you’d like to ask them, then write them down in advance and put them in a gift bag or container. As you’re opening presents or eating cake, you can say, “Time for another question!”, then pull out one from the bag and ask it. “Cousin Arbutus! Roses or daffodils?” (Okay, I happen to like quick “choose one” questions.) First, you get points for caring enough to ask questions and write ’em down, and for getting into the spirit. And you may get funny answers, which you can then tell us about here.

    And do not mock the pre-shower requests, like each writing out a favorite recipe to be glued onto a notebook page for a cookbook. There may be some useful things in them, and there may be some absolutely hilarious ones, too. Feminism need not have anything to do with it (except in terms of controlling your own destiny for the immediate duration of the event). Everyone eats. Baby pictures of your intended are fun, too.

    And if you don’t have someone assigned (like the best woman maid of honor) to assist you, you can busy yourself with preparing for the thank you cards. Write down who gave you what on individual index cards. If the atmosphere is informal enough, you can ask for their addresses then, but be sure to get the addresses from the hostess before you leave. You have to do the thank you notes, so might as well make it as easy on yourself as possible.

    And of course you can’t ignore or abet offensive questions by pretending they’re not offensive. But I don’t consider “how many babies” or “will you stay home” offensive. You can always say, “I have no idea” or “we’re negotiating” or “so many people talk about that, what do you think”. Offensive questions, to me, are more like, “So you’re from San Diego (or wherever). Aren’t there a lot of illegal aliens there? I wish they’d do something about that before we all have to start speaking Spanish.” Then you have to decide. I’d probably go with something like a cheerful, implacable, “Oh, I love San Diego!”, period, next question. And don’t underestimate the power of the bewildered half-smile with “I have no idea what you mean!” It’s good for folks to be aware of your steel hand in the velvet glove.

    But unless the people attending are total nut-jobs, they’re nervous too. No one wants to bake stuff (or buy it) and get dressed up to go to a Martha Stewart-themed blood bath. Ooh! You can also bring your camera and make a fuss about taking pictures of each person. Also, if it goes from shower to blood-bath, you can document it and, again, show it to us here. (Be sure they do not find out where “here” is.)

    Because remember, ultimately it’s all about amusing moi. I am all about the priorities.

  39. In my own way, I’m mostly worried about being judged for not changing my name, not planning to stay at home, and dragging T to all corners of the globe while I work for the Army. Reading what I’ve just typed, I still have a hard time processing the fact that any of those things would be controversial or cause for comment, although I know they will be. And I know who to blame.

    I know this comment is a little late, but I just had to respond to this bit as a woman who has definitely been there. This is the advice one of my dearest friends gave to me that I have found enormously helpful. Other people may judge you for not conforming to the person they expected their son/grandson/cousin/friend/etc. to marry, but in the end the most important thing to those who truly love your future husband is that he loves you, you love him and you make each other happy. The lot of you may not ever start a quilting circle, but you can respect each other for the love and care that you all feel for T.

    That…and when it doubt compliment…compliment…compliment (as others already mentioned…ask open-ended questions).

  40. Reading this at first this sounded like a fun party, but I quickly realized this was a female rite of passage. You’re going to become one of the adult women of your husband’s tribe. A certain amount of pain and suffering is inevitable. I think you’re lucky that the wedding shower doesn’t involve head shaving or bloodletting.
    I agree with all the people who suggested talking to the women about their lives, and about what your husband-to-be was like as a boy. Because you are going to be a member of this new tribe, I’d focus on what you have in common rather than on where you differ.
    Also, unless you’re a real extrovert, being the center of attention will likely wear you out. I agree that you should have a friend with you to call time if necessary.
    Joining the guy tribe is no piece of cake, either. I know practically nothing about the NFL. And the idea of spending half a day hitting a little white ball with a stick bores me to tears. Rather than play poker I’d just as soon distribute my pocket money to the other players. To have something to talk about with the guys, I usually try to ask them about their hobbies.

    inane gendered statements about how men are so stupid you just have to clean up after them

    Sisterhood is powerful. It could be worse: I’ve overheard women talking about whose husband is weirdest.

  41. I think the biggest mistake of my engagement/shower/wedding debacle was caving into my mother-in-law’s desire for a religious wedding. She can’t be happy that my husband and I giggled through most of it.

  42. Am I the only one who thinks the question of whether or not to stay home after you get married is really weird?

    no! i was mystified at the number of people who asked me if i was going to drop out of school. like you, i just thought….”and do what? eat the three years of loans i’ve already taken out and not even get a diploma? why would you want me to do that?”

    i could handle the question coming from my grandma (her family thought she was crazy for getting married and going to college) but everyone else? weird.

  43. My bridal shower just bored me. We got talked into registering for fine china because my now sister-in-law insisted we had to have that on the registry – we wanted more practical things, with a few humorous items thrown on the list for laughs. SIL didn’t think much of that practice.

    The bachelor/bachelorette was a lot more fun. We all started out in a group, and my sisters brought a (can of paint) stripper for my husband. They just wanted to tease him since we knew the other sort of stripper wouldn’t be involved.

    But I try to avoid all those traditional games. We’re planning a bridal shower for one of my sisters now but want to keep it really simple. She and her fiancee already said they don’t particularly need wedding presents, so it’s more an excuse for a party than a gift giving thing. We hope.

    And it will be co-ed. No kicking the groom out because he’s a man, and husbands can come too. That would probably drive my MIL up the wall, as she was furious that I insisted my husband stay for my baby shower. She made him photographer for that event and tried to keep him out of things. I figured it was just as much for his benefit as mine.

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