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Hot For Jesus

Jill

If you’re gonna go for religious indoctrination, might as well get ’em young. I wish I could tell you that this is a joke. One section is Habu’s Corner, in which an elephant dressed in a sari is surrounded by the words,

Hey, Habu…
How many gods do you have?

Habu says: ‘I don’t know… I lost count!’

Wouldn’t you rather have just one God who loves you a bunch than a bunch of gods that don’t love you at all?

Jesus loves everybody, even the unsaved like Habu! Remember to pray for Habu and others like him that they may find Jesus and accept Him into their hearts!

Hey, brown people, your gods don’t love you! And neither do your parents!

But Jesus loves you, so much that he’ll even warn you about atheists:

Spiritual Safety Tip

What should you do if you find an Atheist?

[Picture of a goat in pajamas] Atheists such as crotchety old Mr. Gruff think they’ve got it all figured out…

…but then why are they always so sad?

If you find an Atheist in your neighborhood,
TELL A PARENT OR PASTOR RIGHT AWAY!

You may be moved to try and witness to these poor lost souls yourself, however
AVOID TALKING TO THEM!

Atheists are often very grumpy and bitter and will lash out at children or they may even try to trick you into neglecting God’s Word.

Very advanced witnessing techniques are needed for these grouches. Let the adults handle them.

Thank god for Lambuel, the adorable lamb of god, and Just 4 Kidz (the Z stands for Zealousness for Jesus!)

40 thoughts on Hot For Jesus

  5. @above

    Thank Christ for that (heh). The atheist thing is just about the most hilarious thing I have ever read in my life.

  7. Not only satire, but old. I remember seeing this a rather long time ago on a different website (possibly whitehouse.org/landover baptist).

    Still funny though.

  8. I’ve never posted here before but this finally broke me. I’m not skeptical about this because I grew up with people like this and because the site says created in 2001 and there’s a link to the Bible Man website at the bottom, I’m leaning on the side that this is a serious attempt by these people to try and “teach” kids. If you explore the site, especially the giraffe professor you’ll link to some other “sites” explaining why they believe the T-Rex was safe on the Ark. And I have talked with devout Christians who honestly believe that the earth is less than 10,000 years old and also that humans walked with dinosaurs so don’t be too quick to dismiss this. These people can actually be this crazy.

  10. In the words of Quinn, “I am not here to tell you the number of the Gods.”

    I think that, if we are indeed products of something Divine, Its nature exceeds numbers, and if there were one idea that I wish people would consider, it is that perhaps the gods, whatever their nature, do not exist to tell us HOW to live, but rather to remind us THAT we live.

  14. Not even the insane ones would feature “Hopsiah the Kanga-Jew”.

    The best part of that is the link to “more information about kangaroos of the Middle East.”

  15. I’ve always thought it’s a sad commentary on society when people can’t tell the difference anymore between parody and reality (or just aren’t quite sure).

    And it’s not a commentary on the people who can’t tell …

  16. And it’s not a commentary on the people who can’t tell …

    Is it not? I would think that it’s a commentary on both. If the viewer is so willing to believe in the insanity of his ideological opponents that he mistakes satire for reality, perhaps his vision is a bit skewed, no?

  17. Is it not? I would think that it’s a commentary on both. If the viewer is so willing to believe in the insanity of his ideological opponents that he mistakes satire for reality, perhaps his vision is a bit skewed, no?

    Not if Jack Chick tracts exist.

  19. My friends and I used to play with this site all the time when we lived in a dorm. No door was without a paper Lambuel head or origami Jesus. At least until the day we played ping pong in the hall with the Jesuses (Jesi?).

  20. I find it hard to distinguish between the fatigue I feel from reading doggedly faux-earnest satire and that experienced from prolonged exposure to genuine godbags.

  22. Wouldn’t you rather have just one God who loves you a bunch than a bunch of gods that don’t love you at all?

    Well, yeah, but how’s that relevent, when you have a lot of Gods that love you?

    And is it real love or the abusive, controlling kind, is another question that requires consideration.

  24. Curses… I didn’t see it was doubleposted… I commented down below.

    I fell for it because, hey people voted for Bush twice. 🙂

    Actually I clicked the “Chuck Norris wants Bibles back in schools” which took me to a site with video of Chuck Norris wanting Bibles back in schools. VIDEO of CHUCK NORRIS wanting BIBLES back in SCHOOLS.

    I have seen it all now…

  26. Re: Chuck Norris

    You know Mark I bet that is the result of all that time he spent as a Texas Ranger!

    Unfortunately, I doubt he is a real Christian since he is so big in that heathen martial arts stuff. Real Christians prefer Boxing when beating the shit out of people.

  28. There have been a lot of those lately – there was a Lark News story that made the rounds too before it came out that it was a parody site. Problem is that fundamentalists have gotten so nutso that we can believe just about anything; hard to parody when they really are that crazy.

  31. Is it not? I would think that it’s a commentary on both. If the viewer is so willing to believe in the insanity of his ideological opponents that he mistakes satire for reality, perhaps his vision is a bit skewed, no?

    It goes both ways; I have a friend in Europe who (never having heard of Phelps) honestly thought the God Hates Fags was a parody, and told me that Americans had a sick sense of humor. As long as groups like that exist, sites like this one (or Landover Baptist, even) are not so out of the realm of possibility.

  32. I believe it is by the same people who do Landover Baptist.

    I’ve become less and less impressed with that site over the years, as I’ve had more and more people confuse it with the real thing — it actually works against us, because it makes them a little more reluctant to call out actual lunacy. When your satire is almost completely indistinguishable from the thing you are satirizing, I think you’ve failed to do a satire.

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  34. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/OBJECTIVE:_Christian_Ministries

    This link at Wikipedia explains that the site is, indeed, a joke. But it fools many. My husband and I finally googled it to see if it was a joke or not because we just couldn’t believe it was for real. At least according to Wikipedia, it’s not. This reminds me a little bit of the anti abortion guy who showed how evil prochoicers were by quoting from an article in The Onion. I like to think I’m not as dumb as that guy, but apparently, I come close.

  35. Cheer up–there are still plenty of unbelievably revolting websites out there for kids, and they’re real!

    Here’s the KKK for pre-teens (lots of unlinked titles–apparently they haven’t yet come up with answers to all their thought-provoking questions)….

    Here’s the Bible as read by a female version of that computer in Wargames, and illustrated by a herpetologist on an acid trip (loads of trippy Jesus crap on that site!)….

    And this one is just….well, shit. It’s a frigging family of moralizing cartoon hymnals and a disabled firefly, who come with a stern warning to parents about how some LESSER Christian products may work on “unsaved older kids,” but will be of no use whatsoever to the unfortunate toddler who has not yet formed a personal relationship with our lord and savior.

    Who needs satire?

  36. satire or no, the page about “reclaiming halloween” and hallo-witnessing is one of the creepiest things i’ve seen in a while. covert methods of sneaking jesus into schools & children’s candy? so. creppy.

  37. Lizard, those pages illustrate another reason Lambuel’s site is satire — it’s far too well made to be the real thing.

  40. Upon first glance, I thought the object of the maze was to transport the money into the church! I have to say I was surprised to find out the site is satire; I’ve seen scarier fundie sites.

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