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Weekly Open Thread with Beach Roo

tigtog

A man and a kangaroo and a sunrise in Queensland feature on this week’s Open Thread. Please natter/chatter/vent/rant on anything* you like over this weekend and throughout the week.

You can see more Cape Hilsborough beach roo photos on Dan Battley’s flickr account

So, what have you been up to? What would you rather be up to? What’s been awesome/awful?
Reading? Watching? Making? Meeting?
What has [insert awesome inspiration/fave fansquee/guilty pleasure/dastardly ne’er-do-well/threat to all civilised life on the planet du jour] been up to?

* Netiquette footnotes:
* There is no off-topic on the Weekly Open Thread, but consider whether your comment would be on-topic on any recent thread and thus better belongs there.
* If your comment touches on topics known to generally result in thread-jacking, you will be expected to take the discussion to #spillover instead of overshadowing the social/circuit-breaking aspects of this thread.

43 thoughts on Weekly Open Thread with Beach Roo

  2. I’m now on estradiol and spiro. It’s a super low daily dosage (2mg for estradiol and 50mg for spiro), unfortunately, but I’ll try to raise it by the time I have to refill those prescriptions. I have enough for a month currently.

    [CN: sexual abuse, medical abuse, trauma, transmisogyny]

    Meanwhile, I’m trying to recover from the doctor’s appointment. Due to having a male doctor and having very little experience in medical institutions, the examination was a horribly triggering experience for me. First, he asked me to take off my clothes and put on a paper gown. That’s when I started to feel anxious. I asked him if I had to change right in front of him, and thankfully I didn’t have to. He also told me that I could keep my underwear on, much to my relief.

    Things just even worse from there. It dawned on me that I was wearing one of those gowns with the back totally exposed. I was trembling at this point and felt really vulnerable and unsafe. My mind then went straight into survivor mode – I thought he was coming back to molest me. I immediately tried to tilt my body such that the mirror wasn’t reflecting an image of my exposed back. I thought doing that would stop him from stripping away my underwear. (That doesn’t make sense in retrospect, but I was incapable of thinking straight at that point.)

    I sat down on the chair and just did the things he asked while examining me. I wasn’t bothered by what he was doing to me until he reached for the collar of my gown and tried to pull it all the way down. I was extremely triggered by that because it reminded me of the time my dad sexually abused me by exposing my bare breasts. I instinctively tried to tug the collar back up but then I stopped resisting because I didn’t want to make the doctor upset. He saw my chest and I felt so violated. I was almost convinced that he was going to rape me (that I was wearing a gown exposed from the back only made me more terrified).

    After he was done, he let me change back as he left the room and told me some stuff about getting the pharmacy card for picking up my prescriptions, etc. The thing is, this doctor was polite and nice to me the entire time and probably didn’t even know I had trauma related to sexual abuse (since I didn’t really disclose anything about my history of abuse). Yet the entire time I felt like he was going to sexually abuse me. I hate PTSD so fucking much. It never fails to make me miserable.

    1. I’m sorry you went through that! Was there a nurse in the room with you? And do you feel comfortable bringing up your past abuse with your doctor? Why did he pull your collar down? Good grief, I’m so sorry dear.

      1. He and I were the only people in the room. I wish there was a female nurse in the room, though. Female clinic staff are of course capable of triggering me as well but men are far more likely to actually do so. I did meet one male nurse prior to that appointment when I had my blood drawn, and I felt comfortable around him, but I doubt I’d feel comfortable being in the gown in front of him and whatnot since he’s a man.

        I don’t feel comfortable bringing up my history of abuse to men, so I didn’t tell the male doctor anything. I just mentioned (in another context) that I have “anxiety issues”. I probably would feel far more comfortable telling a nice female doctor (preferably a nurse, not a doctor) about the abuse. Unfortunately it’s difficult to tell anyone since I feel triggered by hearing my own male voice while talking out loud about the abuse. My dysphoria makes coping with and healing from trauma even harder than usual. I barely ever even cry anymore because I feel distressed when I hear my choked-up masculine voice while crying. (The only times I do cry are when I’m deliberately as silent as possible so that I don’t bother anyone with my awkward and dysphoric crying voice.) IDK, I’m just really fucked up and barely even know where to start. X_X

        I think the only reason he pulled down the collar was to put this one medical instrument against my chest to get some reading I don’t know anything about what he was specifically doing, though. In any case, it was creepy.

        1. It does kind of make me wonder why doctors don’t tell patients what they’re about to do before they do it. Is it that difficult? It’s scary being a patient at their mercy, even without memories of abuse and PTSD.

        2. Most of the people who work in medical institutions don’t seem to give a shit about respecting the patients’ personal boundaries. I honestly believe that the at-their-mercy dynamic you speak of is an inherent feature of a disablist, authoritarian medical establishment.

    2. It can be hard to advocate for oneself even in the best of times. *Thinking*

      Do you have anyone you can trust to go with you to your next appointment?

      Is there a trans advocacy group around that can help you with this?

      Maybe they have volunteer social workers who can advocate for you?

      Each state has its’ own Patient Bill of Rights too. It wouldn’t hurt to peruse it.

      Most of the people who work in medical institutions don’t seem to give a shit about respecting the patients’ personal boundaries. I honestly believe that the at-their-mercy dynamic you speak of is an inherent feature of a disablist, authoritarian medical establishment.

      Agree Trans_commie.

      IDK, I’m just really fucked up and barely even know where to start. X_X

      No, you’re not fucked up. How you’ve been treated since childhood by family and society is fucked up! You’re a human being deserves to be treated with respect and dignity. (Hug)

      P.S. Maybe DonnaL can point you in the right direction too.

      1. [CN: sexual assault]

        There is a female doctor coming back to the clinic soon and I’ll be seeing her instead since she’ll take the male doctor’s place. Hopefully things will just work out on their own.

        Thank you for the (internet) hugs. I really mean that. I’m in a horrible state of mind today. I can’t help but feel like someone is going to do things to me today when I go out, even though I don’t have any reason to believe that. (“things” is purposefully vague because I’m not comfortable with going into greater detail right now.) I just want to feel safe again.

        1. You’re welcome. I wish there was more I could do. You’re a lovely person you know that? (hugs)

    3. trans_commie, sorry to hear happened
      1) are there any accessible clinics that are affiliated with universities? those sometimes have more inclusive initiatives
      2) hopefully you have some close friends IRL with whom you can talk about this kind of stuff
      3) don’t feel messed up; you are not and the world is

      1. The clinic I’m going to is trans-friendly. It’s just that, like a lot of trans-friendly places, it’s far from perfect.

        About friends, well I do have close friends. But it’s not always easy to vent to friends because they themselves are going through a lot these days. I just wish there was someone who could just listen to me, hug me/cuddle with me, and be okay with me crying on their shoulder (to put it tritely). Just some kind of emotional intimacy I could have with someone, you know? No one but family members give me hugs, and I’m currently at a stage of life in which I’m actively avoiding family for my own sake. I feel awful for saying all of this because it makes me sound like I feel entitled to intimacy, and that’s repulsive. I just wish I could stop feeling this lonely.

        1. It’s not repulsive or entitlement minded to crave human contact AllyS, it’s normal ok? 😉

        2. You are entitled to intimacy, Ally. We all are. We’re just not entitled to intimacy with any given person. But you have a right to have love in your life. Don’t let anybody take that away from you.

        3. Oh Ally, sweetie, I have been through so much of this, too, and I’m so sorry that you’re going through that. I had a really bad time with my physical therapist in the beginning, because he just didn’t understand why I was so touchy. I finally worked up the guts to disclose my PTSD to him, but it was so hard, because when you’re already feeling vulnerable, it seems like it could potentially make you more so. It’s like you’re handing over the blueprints to hurting you. I have to say, in my case, it totally worked out, because he was so understanding once he knew what was going on. That’s not to say that it always works that way.

          I know that you’re close by, and it might be creepy to hear this over the internet, but if you would like to hang out some time, let me know, and we can figure something out. It’s always good to have more understanding friends.

          But if you want to maintain your anonymity and space, I completely understand. You deserve to have boundaries. We all do.

          Internet hugs at the very least.

  3. So grossed out at the racism displayed in Murrettia, California. Screaming at busloads of children fleeing violence from Central America, violence we have had a huge hand in.

    At least this has given a big boost to Border Angels: over 2,000 new followers on Facebook, and one gentleman gave the founder $10,000. http://borderangels.org

    Can you put BorderAngels on the blogroll? 🙂

  4. My town (Or at least, the town where I work and my kids go to school, right next to my town so it might as well be my town) made it onto a list of top ten worst places to live in Canada.

    Bask in my pride.

    1. My (closest) city is consistently in the top ten most dangerous places to live, but also one of the best booming economies in Canada. Funny old world.

      1. Right. I still can’t beleive that any ethical doctor will do this. And a judge who would sign this warrant must be insane.

        1. Right. I still can’t beleive that any ethical doctor will do this. And a judge who would sign this warrant must be insane a giant fucking asshole.

          Fixed that for you.

        3. LOL, Jackman had her name in the original article, but the original article has been edited and her name removed. I think her office needs to issue a statement as to why she issued a warrant for this procedure.

    2. I thought we were past this nonsense as of a few years ago. That a teen, or anybody really, would be in trouble, much less CP charges, for sending a video OF THEMSELVES is blatantly ridiculous.
      It’s such a nonsensical twisting of the reasons for these laws, that I truly cannot understand how any officer, lawyer, judge, etc., would allow it.

      I did a show on this a couple years ago and at that time, one of my guests said it was becoming less of an issue as law enforcement and legislators became more educated. Guess they were wrong. jfc!

  6. I don’t mean to be rude, but I was wondering- as a long time reader, short-time poster, it seems like this blog has pretty much stopped activity. A lot of the long-term posters seem to have disappeared, with the exception of EG, Pheeno and maybe a couple others; the mods are still doing great work (props to TigTog and Capterton for keeping things going) but just in the last six months it seems there’s been a tremendous fall off in discussion and the community in general.

    I really would hate to see Feministe shut down (or functionally shut down) just because I’ve been reading it for so long (almost three years), it’s taught me so much (and continues to do so), and even though I only worked up the courage to make an account about a week ago I feel like I’ve been in some sense part of a community here. I just wanted to know if I’m being too pessimistic, if other people share the same feeling, and if so, talk about what might be done about it.

    1. I share your feelings, lisaw, as well as your sadness about it. I think we’ve avoided the topic because last time we did discuss it, it sort of devolved into piny telling all of us that we’d ruined Feministe with our meanness. I don’t know about that–I don’t think I’m any meaner than I was three years ago when I started commenting, personally, and it seems to me that the commenting/posting started falling off after steps had been taken to make Feministe a friendlier place rather than before (that’s my impression, it may well be wrong, and correlation is causation–I suspect something else is going on)–but I too would be interested in helping the site recover its former activity level.

      2. What I love about Feministe is that it’s always been totally honest in it’s discussion. I learned more from, say, Pheeno eviscerating people over anti-NDN bullshit or DonnaL calling out transphobia than from a million of the restrained, everybody-must-play-nice curated posts you might find at other sites. I realize I’m centering my own education, which is a little myopic, but Feministe’s rough-and-tumble attitude has woken me up to a ton of issues and made me think much more carefully. Selfishly as a WOC, while this site hasn’t always been perfect, I’ve really liked that other WOC have had the space to say this is bullshit and this is why (and I realize the fact I’ve been too timid to join isn’t great, which is part of why I’m posting now).

        Personally, I’ve really appreciated that when you and I have disagreed in the last two weeks, you’ve forcefully challenged my points in a way that made me thing hard about why I believed them.

        So I just don’t, anecdotally, believe people are too mean here. I’m sure some people are turned away due to the debate-friendly atmosphere, but surely just as many people- like me- feel relieved that there’s a space where they can articulate their points openly, forcefully, and without immediately being moderated in the name of a fictitious unity.

    2. I did bring this up a while ago, and I still think the reason is pretty clear: the decline in commenting is directly correlated to (and the result of) the decline in Jill’s participation here. As I also said before, I think caperton and tigtog do an amazing job, but it was Jill’s posts that drove the majority of the commenting here. I don’t think she’s ever coming back here to anywhere near the degree of involvement she used to have (why would she, with the wonderful new job she has?), and unless and until more people can be found who are willing to blog regularly and drive people to comment, the situation isn’t going to change. And as tigtog (I think) said the last time the subject came up, people simply aren’t willing to become bloggers here, because of the perception of the meanness of the commentariat.

      1. I can understand that DonnaL. I really felt for some of the new bloggers on here not long ago who made their debut and then were never heard from again because the commentariat were super critical. I love the open debate here, but it is also a really intimidating place at times.

    3. Thanks for raising this again, lisaw. I brought it up maybe a month ago myself for the same reasons and concerns.

      As a white male, this is one of the places I go to read thoughtful analysis and ideas of what is happening in news and pop culture as affects 1/2 the population. I’m not a huge fan of the discussion turned debate when it gets really angry/snarky, but I appreciate that we all are able to “talk it out” here in a generally respectful fashion.

      I would volunteer to write something, but I think that would really go against the entire point of the blog.

  7. Today I ran into a white dudebro who pushed me from behind on purpose and complimented my green bandana and my friend’s green hair, and then proceeded to tell a Latina woman that she was white because she “looked white”. And then we ran into a white dude who was probably a neo-Nazi and for some reason assumed that my friend was a white supremacist as well because he yelled “WHITE POWER!” at us. (We later found out that he got into a fight with a man of color who was offended by those words.)

  8. I’ve made this post Sticky so that it can be this coming week’s Open Thread too, seeing as posting is particularly quiet right now.

  9. (TW for rape/horrible human behavior)

    I fully expected to see a huge article here on the whole #jadapose situation that blew up yesterday.

    Links for anyone unfamiliar:
    http://www.slate.com/blogs/xx_factor/2014/07/10/_jadapose_a_disgusting_twitter_hashtag_spreads_in_response_to_a_houston.html

    http://www.washingtonpost.com/news/the-intersect/wp/2014/07/10/how-a-16-year-old-rape-victim-becomes-an-internet-meme/

    Short version: 16 y/o black girl, possibly drugged at a party, is stripped, possibly raped, photos taken. Horrible human teens decide to mock her by taking photos of themselves in the poses she was in. Goes viral on Twitter.

    Definitely needs focus on here.

    1. I didn’t see this – thank you for sharing it. My reaction to these incidents is always the same: assholes manage to rally around other assholes so quickly and are aided through the use of the internet – what would it look like for supporters of Jada and girls like her to use the internet in a constructive way, to show that they don’t deserve what they’re experiencing and to condemn the terrible people who make fun of them for it?

      One thing I’d love to see is accountability. I’d love for someone to compile these tweets and their usernames to a website. When it happens at the high school level, I’d love for colleges to be made privvy to it..

      1. The positive side is that many many people have done exactly what you suggested. They’ve gone onto the #jadapose hashtag on Twitter and posted powerful, supportive poses and messages to Jada. There has been an outpouring of positive support for her. Just not enough.

        The boy(s) who allegedly raped her are, of course, denying, calling her a liar, the usual stuff. But she has come out swinging, a very strong young lady, giving interviews and not allowing this to shame her.

  10. It’s been a week since I started my HRT. Unsurprisingly, not a whole lot of changes have happened since it hasn’t been long and since I’m on very low dosages, but it’s still having some noticeable effects:

    1) My skin has started to become shinier and softer.
    2) I am feeling happier and more optimistic overall.
    3) My breasts are starting to grow slightly.
    4) Some of my body hair is starting to turn white.
    5) I’m experiencing occasional pains that feel like growing pains.
    6) I’m having some major salt cravings.

    Here’s how I currently look: http://i.imgur.com/zXetBdZ.jpg.

    And for comparison, here’s a way older picture from 2 years ago (note that the hormones haven’t caused enough changes to account for all of the differences – there are various other factors that account for them): http://i.imgur.com/7U3Fl3r.jpg

    Today is the first time in the long time I’ve been smiling genuinely. It’s only been a week since I’ve started HRT, and they have already been having such a positive impact on my life. I can’t wait to see how I’ll be a year from now. Even the fact that I’m way poorer than before isn’t stopping me from feeling better about myself.

    2. I’m really happy for you, Ally. You’ve been waiting so long for this, and nobody deserves this kind of happiness more than you!

  11. [CN: PTSD crap, broken leg crap, self-indulgent whining, four-letter words, probably some self-directed-internalized-ableist-bullshit]

    Today fucking sucked giant donkey gonads!

    So, to start off, I had to change the time of my physical therapy appointment today, because I was sent a request to attend a training session at work, which was three hours long, and mandatory. Fine. I changed the appointment. But then yesterday, I got a call saying that my PT was going to miss my appointment, due to illness. Thankfully, there was another PT that could see me at the same time, and also thankfully, I know the guy. However, my new PT is the one who I just started working with after my original PT, who I fucking loved, left the practice to teach. I had just started to really get in a grove with the new gal, so having to see someone else again sucked. No matter how much I like the person who’s working with me, physical therapy is really challenging. It’s not easy to have people touching, and massaging the various parts of my body that are sore and knotted. It feels like one of the more vulnerable positions I’ve had to put myself in, because the entire time, I’m anticipating pain or some trigger, and that, in and of itself, is triggering. Regardless of how good the session is, and today was relatively good, at the end, I’m pretty raw and jangly. Which is why I really look forward to the end of the appointment when they ice my knee, because I get to lay still for fifteen minutes and meditate, and settle down. Just breath.

    Well, today, the aide wrapped me up, set a timer, and left me to it. However, I guess the towel that he placed between my leg and the ice pack was too thin, and the ice too cold, because my knee was completely numb by the time they took it off, and there were several patches where my skin had lost all color. These patches felt thick to the touch. When the circulation returned, it was clear that something was very wrong, as the area got hot to the touch, and puffy; the area is burnt. I basically have freezer burn on my leg; the leg which is already fucked up. It scared the shit out of me.

    So that sucked, but I didn’t have too much time to think about it at all, as I had to get to work in time to go to this training session. I had no idea what the topic of the meeting would be. The invite just said “career development training” and was sent out to my entire department of about 15 people. So, I get into the office, and I have about 20 minutes to settle down, and try to prepare myself to be confined in a small space with 15 people for 3 hours, which is, of course, pretty fucking triggering on the best of days, let alone when I’ve just come from a terrifying and painful experience.

    Well, I walk into the conference room, and everyone is coming in. I pick a seat close to the door with a view of the windows so I can look at the bay and try not to be distracted during the training by my hypervigilance clicking off every fidget of every person in the room. So, my co-worker who is running the training brings up the presentation on the wall, and the title screen of the deck reveals that, surprise, this is going to be a public speaking training. OH FUCK.

    Now, I can speak in public. I can actually be very effective at it, sometimes. But not without preparation. Not without knowing exactly what I’m going to say, having something to project that can anchor me, and, as silly as this sounds, not without having had time to prepare a character to speak for me. I cannot get up in front of a room full of people and speak without acting. And I can’t act when I’m ambushed and freaking the fuck out. So, I immediately go into panic mode. I’m staring out the window, focusing on my breathing, trying to focus on every word being said so that I don’t black out and get caught not paying attention, or who knows what else, trying to hold on to the feeling of my feet on the floor, and my butt in the seat, etc.

    So, the meeting is going along, and it’s almost done, and I’m thinking that I’m not doing so bad. I might actually survive without making an ass of myself or getting myself into trouble. I made a few awkward jokes that no one understood, but they were pretty innocuous. And then they dropped the next bomb — we had to break into groups to do an assignment. I knew there was no way that I was going to be able to be in a smaller group without someone noticing how unwell I was. And to top it all off, then we were told that we would have to try out our persuasive presentation to a panel who will critique it, and the panel will include the Vice President that my entire department reports to, so if I fuck up or spazz out, it’s going to be in front of my biggest fucking boss.

    Thankfully, I was able to get out of any actual speaking by telling my group that I just wasn’t feeling well. They graciously allowed for me to not stand up or say anything. By the time the groups got up and presented, I felt like I was going to throw up, and I couldn’t look at anyone.

    Finally it was over, and I went back to my desk, but that’s when I completely lost it. I burst into tears, and started sobbing almost uncontrollably. I ran out of there, and thankfully, not too many people saw me, except for three or four of my co-workers.

    And now I’m sitting here, and I know there’s no way I’m going to sleep normally tonight without taking an ambien, because I’m still a mess of jacked up nerves and adrenaline. Not to mention that anything that touches my knee is going to sting like a motherfucker.

    Sorry, I know this is all tl;dr. I just had to get it out somewhere.

    GAH!

    1. That’s so awful, Peggy. I’m so sorry. What a totally shit day. I hope it was just a one-off, and things look up soon.

      1. Thanks EG. I’ve been having much better days since I wrote this. Sometimes it’s just a day, though. It’s important to remember that it’s just one.

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