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Weekly Open Thread with Black Dog

tigtog

A request was made for a music focussed thread, so our Open thread hosts this week are rock legends Heart covering an iconic song by rock legends Led Zeppelin. Please natter/chatter/vent/rant on anything* you like over this weekend and throughout the week, but do feel especially encouraged to discuss your favourite music.

Ann Wilson and guitarist Nancy Wilson
Ann Wilson and guitarist Nancy Wilson of Heart performing in August 2013
(shared under CCL by alfredo simental, on Flickr)

So, what have you been up to? What would you rather be up to? What’s been awesome/awful?
Reading? Watching? Making? Meeting?
What has [insert awesome inspiration/fave fansquee/guilty pleasure/dastardly ne’er-do-well/threat to all civilised life on the planet du jour] been up to?

* Netiquette footnotes:
* There is no off-topic on the Weekly Open Thread, but consider whether your comment would be on-topic on any recent thread and thus better belongs there.
* If your comment touches on topics known to generally result in thread-jacking, you will be expected to take the discussion to #spillover instead of overshadowing the social/circuit-breaking aspects of this thread.

121 thoughts on Weekly Open Thread with Black Dog

  1. I’ve been fighting a skin infection since August; it is slowly clearing up but I just want it gone now. I can’t get a dermatology appointment until fucking March at the earliest.

    huffs and grumps

    1. I am sorry that you’re so uncomfortable. I have three skin conditions (rosacea, eczema and psoriasis), so I get how irritated you must be.

      1. Yup,skin stuff is so frustrating. And it takes so much time and energy to manage! Good luck with getting it under control soon

  2. Sore and bored as fuck. Weather is shitty so getting out for walks has been a rare occurrence. Going a bit stir crazy, can’t drive anywhere due to opiate derived painkillers.

    On the bright side, pathology report came back quite promising. The tumour was stage II, no signs of involvement in the lymph nodes, which means the surgery may have actually got it all and I might get to skip chemo. Consulting with an oncologist on Monday. If I do have to do chemo I’ll be doing whatever I can to get transferred to the Barrie for treatment since driving to Toronto for this stuff is bullshit.

    I’ve been keeping moderately entertained, yet disgusted, watching the the antics of Mayor Rob “dear god why hasn’t he resigned yet” Ford.

    1. Iā€™ve been keeping moderately entertained, yet disgusted, watching the the antics of Mayor Rob ā€œdear god why hasnā€™t he resigned yetā€ Ford.

      I’m not sure what to think about that story. I would 100% be behind the guy if all he did was smoke some crack and lie after getting caught. Here in the US that’s all we hear about. When I read a bit further on the CBC website, I saw that there are some other sex based allegations and general inappropriate public (i.e. while publicly representing the city,) behavior. However even there the whole smoking crack thing seems to be the issue.

      1. There have also been issues with abusing his role as mayor in the past that he’s already been disciplined for, including hijacking the city’s transit system for personal use, consistent lateness and abscences from council meetings, sexually inappropriate conduct etc. he was also videotaped making violent threats against someone. The common defence for a lot of these things is that he was drunk at the time.

        My mom tried to defend him by saying “The guy hasn’t been able to do anything right since he was elected!” And I’m like “I know! Because he’s a shitty mayor!“

        1. Didn’t the Toronto Star break the story months ago? I seem to remember an interview on As it Happens with the reporter and straight denials of all crack smoking and drunkenness on the job from the Mayor’s office. It just sounded like the guy was riding for a fall Rush Limbaugh style.

        2. Back in April there were rumours of a crack-tape, but this past month Toronto police confirmed that they had a copy in hand, at which point Ford confessed.

        4. I know, right? I think she meant it in a “Everybody (read: the media) is just waiting for him to fuck up and call him out on every piddly mistake” kind of way but at this point I don’t think that anyone can deny he’s given the media an ample amount of ammunition.

          The Toronto city council vote to strip him of pretty much everything but his title is probably the most council has been united on any subject since… Ever.

    2. Hey, it’s good to know that Ford is fulfilling some decent function–you deserve all the entertainment you can get!

      Fingers crossed for you, Andie.

  4. An attempt at stirring a music discussion:

    I was trying to come up with the first line of the first song of the first album by my favorite bands (this list doesn’t include my 5 absolute favorites- just the first 5 I could think of the first line from.) I’d love to see some other peoples examples (without the band name to make it more fun to guess or google.)

    ‘Stay right there, go no further’

    ‘He’s in love with rock and roll, whoa’

    ‘That’s the way it goes, this city is so slow’

    ‘You dont want me anymore, so I’m walking out the door’

    ‘Those who know, they don’t let it show’

    1. Oh, I love games like this!

      “Been to Reno, drives an El Camino, can you dig that style?”

      “The morning comes to a stuttering halt. The cool breeze that blows is somebody’s fault”

      “Over the moon, and over the top. Over the people, who told you to stop?”

      “Old world underground, where are you now?”

      “If I don’t take to the highway, I’m going to lose my head”

    2. I’m pretty sure #2 is The Clash’s “Janie Jones,” but I think you’ve got it wrong and the first line is “He’s in love with Janie Jones, whoa.”

      1. No, never mind Steve, I should never have doubted you in your area of expertise! I’m sorry. You’re right. I don’t know what I was thinking…

    4. “Cat’s foot, iron claw”

      “Did you see your friend, crying from his eyes today?”

      “What is this that stands before me?”

      “Scary’s on the wall”

      “See them walking hand in hand across the bridge at midnight”

      Some of these are probably easy to figure out.

      2. So I instantly recognized 3 and 4 as Black Sabbath by Black Sabbath on Black Sabbath and We Die Young by Alice in Chains on Facelift. Great choices by the way. What are the others?

        1. 1. King Crimson – 21st Century Schizoid Man
          2. Electric Light Orchestra – 10538 Overture
          5. Duran Duran – Girls on Film

          Those aren’t the only favorite bands of mine. My other favorite bands/groups/whoever are Iron Maiden, Dead or Alive, Judas Priest, Dream Theater, Entombed, Bolt Thrower, Rush, Anthrax, Tears for Fears, Megadeth, Metallica, Depeche Mode, Juno Reactor, Slayer, Pink Floyd, Supertramp, Saxon, Katatonia, Queensryche, Modern English, ABBA, A Flock of Seagulls, Billy Idol, Michael Jackson, and The Police. I think that’s all of them.

        3. Oh, dear…I completely forgot about that. X_X

          Perhaps Dead or Alive shouldn’t be in that list either because, although Pete Burns was inspirational to me when I was younger, Pete Burns recently called gay men predatory and unfaithful.

          Oh well. Scratch those two off the list, then.

        4. 1. King Crimson ā€“ 21st Century Schizoid Man
          2. Electric Light Orchestra ā€“ 10538 Overture
          5. Duran Duran ā€“ Girls on Film

          Those arenā€™t the only favorite bands of mine. My other favorite bands/groups/whoever are Iron Maiden, Dead or Alive, Judas Priest, Dream Theater, Entombed, Bolt Thrower, Rush, Anthrax, Tears for Fears, Megadeth, Metallica, Depeche Mode, Juno Reactor, Slayer, Pink Floyd, Supertramp, Saxon, Katatonia, Queensryche, Modern English, ABBA, A Flock of Seagulls, Billy Idol, Michael Jackson, and The Police. I think thatā€™s all of them.

          Ally, I have some recommendations from the heavy metal DJ at our old station. Based on your tastes she suggests you check out Apocolyptica and Nevermore (excuse me, if you’re already familiar with both.) I can also suggest her boyfriend’s band (though she’s far to tasteful to do so,) called Shadowkeep

  5. CN: DV, child custody matters.

    I’m scared. I’m scared i’m scared i’m scared.

    My mind and tummy and limbs are that particular type of paralysed mush right now that only my abusive ex can elicit. I have had to cut off contact between my kids and him because of increasingly abusive behaviour to me and them. Which means going against court orders for the time being, and getting harassed by him via phone and email. I have asked him to agree to a period of supervised contact, but he is adamant that he has done nothing wrong (surprise, surprise) and will get a recovery order if I don’t hand over the kids.

    I just want to be brave. I want to be angry, or logical, or something that isn’t scared. Just tell myself that he did a thing, and it was bad, and I am responding appropriately, and deal with things step by step. But I just want to curl up in a ball in the corner with my cat and cry and shake. I hate not having control over my trauma reactions.

    In summary: Grr! Erk! Blergh!

      1. Thanks all. Hugs are super welcome! It is just good to vent in a place where this stuff is actually taken seriously, as opposed to courts/child protections agencies where they are so used to crappy behaviour that it gets totally normalised šŸ™

    3. I have no idea what to say, but I’m so sorry that you and your family are going through this. May your kitty cuddle time provide a much needed reprieve.

    5. This sound just awful, and I am in complete admiration of the way you’re able to handle it despite the trauma you continue to suffer. Good luck to you, and all the moral support I can send.

    7. That sucks.

      If you don’t have a lawyer, get one ASAP. Even in situations where you are doing the right thing, deliberately disobeying a court order can get you in a lot of trouble. This sucks, and it is often hellishly unfair, but it is true nonetheless.

      If at all possible, work with someone to get an emergency order filed. And work with them (if warranted) to use the police, DSS, and third party services to obtain what you need, because if you deflect the decision onto someone else then you often won’t get in trouble at all. (For example, if the police issue him a no contact order, and if he therefore can’t contact you to arrange for picking up the kids. And so on.) If you’re the victim of abuse, you may be able to leverage victim services; they can help on their own and often have referrals to folks like me.

      And remember, there are FOUR TRUTHS:
      1) What you think happened;
      2) What he thinks happened;
      3) What an omniscient god would know actually happened, if you believe in one; and
      4) What a judge thinks happened, after hearing factual testimony and evidence, modified by the appropriate rules of evidence and rules of court.

      Only truth #4 matters in the context of a legal dispute. Don’t fall into the common trap of relying on #1 or #3; make sure that you collect and document sufficient evidence and assistance to make sure that you win on #4. Get a lawyer if you can.

      1. Yup, I have a lawyer and I have reported stuff to child protection. The advice is that I have valid safety concerns and that I won’t be come down on too hard by the courts if I am acting protectively. And the magistrate assigned to my case is fantastic, and really onto it with DV stuff. So fingers crossed.

  6. Two weeks to go before I sing in a tribute to Pink Floyd. We’re covering Dark Side of the Moon and Animals and I’m doing back up.

    It’ll be the first time I sing in public since I was 10 and in church, so, I am getting really nervous, especially with regard to taking on the Great Gig in the Sky. Still, I’m also pretty excited – the rest of the songs are coming together.

    I work from home, so having to get out of the house and go sing has been REALLY therapeutic for me and made me want to look for more singing opportunities.

    1. I used to get so nervous playing and singing in public and now it’s become one of those things that affects my emotional state if I don’t do it every so often. Good luck to you, I’m sure you’ll be great!

  7. [Content note: abuse, drug abuse, suicidal ideation]

    I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that a trans friend of mine has helped me find Dimensions Clinic in San Francisco, which provides very lost cost (or even free) HRT prescriptions for trans youth ages 12-25. Of course, I can’t get prescriptions from that place yet since I still live with my dad, but it’s really helpful to know about such a place.

    Even better news is that I’ve learned to process and cope with my feelings towards memories of abuse in a healthy way. On Monday I was in my room, all curled up in my bed and riving with anxiety. My dad was staying home that day, and I didn’t want to even interact with him. I kept thinking about the time he angrily threw a bowl of food I was eating from and forced me to clean the mess (consisting of scorching hot ceramic bowl shards and curry of a similar temperature) with only my hands and thin paper towels. All because I wouldn’t sit down on the floor and eat with him.

    Yet I managed to calm myself down and tell myself “Yes, that was wrong. He shouldn’t have done that” and “I was crying when that happened, but a lot of people would cry in that situation, so it was ok.” I kept telling myself things like that and eventually I felt much better, like I gave myself some kind of closure in a away – if that makes sense. The result of all of this is that I’m now less scared of these memories, and I feel more ready to confront my other memories of abuse. I’ve been able to process my feelings about past abuse before, but this time I did it all without having to numb myself with drugs. I’m becoming less and less dependent on them these days.

    1. And the bad news is that, well, my suicidal ideation* has become much worse with the advent of more painful feelings of dysphoria. And on top of that, I feel extremely lonely and afraid most of the time. That’s partly because my brother has recently told me that he is going to move out before I do within the next few months. I’m not upset at him, as he has the right to escape the same shitty house I still live in (and my father has abused him even worse than he has abused me). But I feel very sad and worried because now moving out is going to be much more difficult – he won’t be there to help split the rent with me in case I try to move out and get an apartment/studio/whatever.

      So now I’ve been preparing to leave the house on a short notice. (I even wrote this draft of a letter to my dad’s side of the family in order to mentally prepare myself for coming out to them.) I know I shouldn’t be feeling rash like that because I need to be patient and work things out intelligently and calmly, but I just constantly keep thinking “I have to get out of this house and I don’t give a shit if it means I have to quit school, be homeless, etc.” My loneliness is a result of me missing small things like physical affection. Everyone thinks I hate hugs so no one (except people who don’t know me very well) bothers to do anything like that. Obviously no one is obligated to do that for me, but the absence of that sort of thing still hurts in a way. Sometimes I go to sleep, leaving some space on one side of the bed and almost wishing that someone were sleeping right next to me. Maybe that sounds silly to a lot of people, but my loneliness is just really hard to cope with these days.

      *I’m contacting Samaritans to see if they can help me out, so please don’t worry too much about that.

      1. Ally, I think you’re amazing. You have been through such abuse and trauma, and yet every week in these threads I read about another step you’ve taken, another movement toward eventual freedom and happiness. I know these steps aren’t coming at the pace they should, but despite the constant battering your psyche is taking, you continue to make them. Every week, you continue to make them. I wish I could speed them up for you, and I wish you could see what I see in your posts–a resilient young woman who is not allowing herself to be ground to nothing, but continues to reach and move and grow.

        My mother’s mother was abusive and terrible, and the years she suffered as a teenager waiting to get out of that house were the most painful I can imagine. But she did it. She got out. The particulars are different–they always are–but you will get out too. You will get out and someday you will look back on this as something horrible, but also distant. And you will be happy.

      2. I’m glad that you’ve learned something that’s helping you with the emotions, and I’m so sorry the dysphoria is getting worse. Hugs. A step at a time.

    2. Yet I managed to calm myself down and tell myself ā€œYes, that was wrong. He shouldnā€™t have done thatā€ and ā€œI was crying when that happened, but a lot of people would cry in that situation, so it was ok.ā€ I kept telling myself things like that and eventually I felt much better, like I gave myself some kind of closure in a away ā€“ if that makes sense. The result of all of this is that Iā€™m now less scared of these memories, and I feel more ready to confront my other memories of abuse. Iā€™ve been able to process my feelings about past abuse before, but this time I did it all without having to numb myself with drugs. Iā€™m becoming less and less dependent on them these days.

      That’s quite impressive change of outlook, especially as it seemed to be a fresh hell for you every week. I think you made a great decision WRT the drug taking, and I’m saying that as someone who smokes about a half ounce every week. If it doesn’t make you happy, what’s the point?

        1. Well, yeah, my overall outlook hasn’t gotten much better. But I will say this: I’m doing everything in my power to try to remain at least distantly hopeful. I know that some day I’ll be out of this hell. That doesn’t change the fact that I’m going through a lot of pain these days, but it’s still something that I need to keep in mind.

          And another note, I’ve been smoking way less, too.

    3. ā€œI was crying when that happened, but a lot of people would cry in that situation, so it was ok.ā€

      This kind of thinking sounds really good and healthy, and reminds me of cognitive behavioral therapy, in which you purposefully replace unhelpful negative thoughts with more realistic and helpful thoughts. You go through your automatic reactions to things and ask yourself: am I being accurate? Am I being reasonable? Are things really as bad as that? Etc.

      An example would be where something bad happens and your automatic thought is catastrophising, saying “now my life is ruined forever!” or it’s black-and-white thinking, saying “nothing is perfect so everything is terrible!” It’s really easy to think these things, especially when you’re depressed, so identifying and challenging the automatic thought is important.

      Then you ask yourself, am I making a thinking mistake? Am I trying mind-reading (“that girl didn’t say hi, she must hate me!”) or using a mental filter (“I can’t think of a personal success, I must be a failure!”) etc? And if you are you recognize it, and try to think up a new thought to replace the old one.

      For example: “Everyone in my life hates me.” –> “Well, most of the people in my life actually really like me, and I can always meet even more people that like and love me in the future.”

      Or maybe: “I failed at this test. I should be smarter than this.” –> “When I study hard I usually do really well, but not everything needs to be perfect; I should have ‘me’ time as well as study time.”

      Or perhaps: “I’m stuck in a miserable life forever.” –> “So far it’s been really rough, but I’m getting stronger and wiser and gathering my support system to get away from this. I can always change the future.”

      So I think your instincts are really good, and you seem to be doing all the right things. Hopefully the thought-swapping will help! And this might just be a “survival mode” year, yanno? Buckle down and try to arrange things to make the next year better, and remind yourself that this current shitty situation is far from a permanent arrangement.

      1. Yeah, I’ve used cognitive behavior techniques before. I had horrible self-hatred when I was 17, and interestingly, I was able to get rid of the worst of it by “talking” to what I had called my “female self,” which I later discovered was my actual gender identity (not merely a side of my personality). I was one step away from realizing I was trans because I was even telling myself that my female self was my true self. It’s just that I only came to that realization a year later because I was in denial.

  8. In other good news, my hair is finally growing back again. For a while I was almost panicking because I thought I was suffering from some unknown health problem that was impeding hair growth. But contrary to what my anxious mind likes to tell me, I should get my longest-ever length back in a few months. My dad made me cut it a few months ago so I could look “presentable” for a job I ended up not getting for various reasons. V_V

  9. So. Got a letter this week. Good letter.

    It’s official.

    I got tenure.

    I am now one of those tenured radicals that Republican politicians hate so much!

    Yesterday was one long celebration, and I plan to continue the festivities, on and off, for the rest of my life, because I will have tenure forever!

    I won!

    1. Oh, and for the music bit:

      Part of my celebration was putting my ipod on shuffle and dancing around with my godson (who’s learned how to say “tenure yay!” and clap his hands). Best part was my two-year-old godson spontaneously imitating Joan Jett’s screech in “I love Rock and Roll” (first line: “Saw him standing there, by the record machine…”).

      First lines from other songs we danced to:

      “Janie said when she was just five years old, there was nothing going on at all…”

      “An’ I wanna move the town to the Clash city rockers…”

      “Sandy, the fireworks are hailin’ over Little Eden tonight…”

      “I am that girl you know, can’t look you in the eye…”

      My musical tastes are very predictable, even on shuffle, I guess.

    3. That’s so, so wonderful. I am so very happy for you — and glad that your godson understands enough of what’s going on to know that it’s time to celebrate!

      And, yes, you did win. Please continue the festivities forever! Because you deserve all good things.

      1. Tenure means I can walk in there tomorrow wearing knee high boots, fishnet stockings, and a leather miniskirt and nobody can do anything about it!

        I mean, I wouldn’t. Because I would feel icky. But I could.

    11. Thank you all so, so much! Perhaps this will be the birth of a new, less tightly strung EG…

      Well, I can dream, right?

      1. Congratulations! No need to be less tightly strung unless you want to be, though, it’s what gives you the edge.

      1. Obviously not Ldouglas, but she and I had this discussion on board, and she is a she. At least from my understanding.

  11. Dropped two courses I was planning to take next term. Planning to take an extra year (or one semester, at least) for my BA, now, so I can focus on work, too. I simply can’t handle 100% of a courseload on top of 18 hours at work, not and do housework and take care of the kid. I just can’t stay healthy. I’m already fucked up, and the school year isn’t even half over… and I’m scoring a B in one of my classes (so far; I hope to make up in the next couple of assignments). Which, okay, objectively that’s not a bad score, but it’s my lowest by two letter grades! The fuck. That’s not okay.

    But the mice are gone. My house is clean and looks pretty. I only have one final essay to go. I’ll take the good parts where I can get them.

    Re: music… well, I’d talk, but I highly doubt anyone would care about my Indian music. Or my cheesy anime music collection.

    1. I might be able to compare anime music with you…*is listening to the Slayers Revolution theme at the moment*

    2. Sounds to me like you’re doing the right thing and making it possible for you to really excel in the courses you’re still taking. Frustrating, definitely, though. I’m sorry you’re in such a lousy position–it really sucks and is completely unfair.

    3. Mac – one of my favourite memories is working a ‘rave’ at an anime con — ‘Breeze’ came on AND EVERYONE STARTED SINGING AND I STARTED CRYING AND SINGING AND IT WAS POWERFUL. The same thing happened with Sera suta songu, moonlight densetsu, and cruel angel’s thesis.. intense. Those are the fragments life is worth living for.

    4. I feel you with the work/school thing — I can’t imagine how it would be to add childcare to the mix! Jedi hugs if you’d lke them, Mac.

    5. I sympathise about not being in the music discussion, Mac. Whenever that sort of thing comes up I bounce between Springsteen or Renaissance/Baroque or Celtic, none of which is generally relevant! šŸ˜›

  12. Hello feministe people!

    I’m a looooong-time lurker, first-time commenter. I’m a WOC feminist grad student, and other such things šŸ™‚

    Been trying out a new experience of being brave enough to comment on many of the sites and blogs I’ve followed for squillions of years now.

    First post here prompted by my experience of commenting for the first time last night and today at a film site I really like(d) about the smorgasbord of racism in *that* new Lily Allen video. The various racist responses and their super-triggering effect on me meant I finally forced myself to leave the thread after being triggered by the sheer levels of white anger trying to silence me.

    A much more positive result is that I was filled anew with so much respect for the WOC and other folks here whose comments I admiringly read on the threads here, as they stand up for intersectional POVs from day to day! You all absolutely rule. So I guess I just wanted to express that, in case anyone needed a little dash of encouragement in their weekend (even if it’s from a total stranger who’s just been quietly reading your words for a long time- I realise that makes me sound *quite* weird!!)

    In totally unrelated news, I’ve been trying to get into the basics of simple Italian cooking. I just bought Viana La Place’s “Cucina Rustica”, and am excited to get a start on some of the salads and pasta dishes etc inside! Anyone have any tips for an Italian cooking beginner?

    1. I’m very happy to know that there are other WOC here. I hope you aren’t run off too quickly. Remember that you have as much right to take up space and express your POV as anyone else. I’m looking forward to reading your contributions; Welcome!!

      Also, that Lily Allen video pissed me off even more than that Miley Cyrus performance, which was an abomination.

      1. Thank you for the welcome! šŸ™‚

        I will try to remember that! And thank you for the affirmation. Last night was a pretty low point for that feeling as (on the film site) my snarky criticism of another commenter’s “Lily Allen video SO FEMINIST what is this racism you’re all chattin’ about” blog post that she linked to was met with fully three different angry ‘hdu use that tone’ posts and the original commenter declaring that I was so terrible and mean that she was now leaving commenting on that site forever.

        I felt like a horrible person for a few minutes because I truly hate the thought of making other people upset, but then I remembered that I’d started my first comment to her with “please” and assuming her mistakes re racism were in good faith and actually mistakes, but her instant angry response was that I should go criticise Drake/Rihanna etc instead. And I was the mean and angry one. Sigh, I guess there’s no way for WOC to win with “tone”!

        And yeah, on the vid specifically: they’re both awful in their approach and there’s probably not much profit to declaring one objectively worse (the funnest of competitions!) but (as I read on another blog post about this, can’t remember which one) MC was going for racist appropriation, whereas LA went for a racist “i’m too good for that black dancing and those black women who dance like that don’t have brains” message. So…nobody wins, but I probably also dislike LA’s more in the end.

        1. Last night was a pretty low point for that feeling as (on the film site) my snarky criticism of another commenterā€™s ā€œLily Allen video SO FEMINIST what is this racism youā€™re all chattinā€™ aboutā€ blog post that she linked to was met with fully three different angry ā€˜hdu use that toneā€™ posts and the original commenter declaring that I was so terrible and mean that she was now leaving commenting on that site forever.

          I felt like a horrible person for a few minutes because I truly hate the thought of making other people upset, but then I remembered that Iā€™d started my first comment to her with ā€œpleaseā€ and assuming her mistakes re racism were in good faith and actually mistakes, but her instant angry response was that I should go criticise Drake/Rihanna etc instead. And I was the mean and angry one. Sigh, I guess thereā€™s no way for WOC to win with ā€œtoneā€!

          That’s some bullshit. Nice White Ladies don’t own feminism, in spite of their endless protestations to the contrary. It sounds like you had a face-off with White Woman’s Tears.

          And yeah, on the vid specifically: theyā€™re both awful in their approach and thereā€™s probably not much profit to declaring one objectively worse (the funnest of competitions!) but (as I read on another blog post about this, canā€™t remember which one) MC was going for racist appropriation, whereas LA went for a racist ā€œiā€™m too good for that black dancing and those black women who dance like that donā€™t have brainsā€ message. Soā€¦nobody wins, but I probably also dislike LAā€™s more in the end.

          I think there’s actually something in the lyrics about how she’s too good for twerking ’cause of her brains. In the MC performance, it feels like more appropriation and claiming of womanhood in opposition to the other. In contrast, LA seems to consciously and explicitly define feminist empowerment as for white women, in full knowledge of the commentary following MC’s video. LA can’t claim ignorance, her imaging seems very willful.

      1. Thank you! šŸ™‚

        I am a lawyer, specialising mostly in the aftermath of atrocities and related issues. This means I always have the best work anecdotes for dinner parties, of course (/I am never ever allowed to speak about work for fear of inducing spontaneous crying in unsuspecting friends).

        More seriously, my interests include comparative criminal and international criminal law, procedure and evidence. Current sub-interests include sexual violence law and po-co perspectives on international criminal trials.

        1. Not sure if i have standing to officially welcome anyone, but welcome anyway!! I’m not practicing, but in law school i did quite a bit of research on comparative constitutional and international law. Really interesting stuff. I currently do some advocacy stuff for an npo that focuses on international sex trafficking. I would bet we have alot of common interests. Anyhow, look forward to reading your comments!!

    3. Welcome! I’m also trying to learn how to cook good Italian food. One thing I’ve learned from my early failures is that good quality ingredients is key. I tend to substitute a lot of things and cheap out, and that has only ended in goopy messes. I mean, the goop usually still tastes pretty good, but it ain’t real Italian food. That and recipes found on the internet are not a good way to go. Quality alfredo sauce should not have a white sauce base. Also learned that one the hard way.

  13. So, I’ve had an interesting couple weeks.

    I am currently condemned to long-sleeve shirts because my left arm looks like it went through a mini-shredder. Pro tip: Bearded Dragons do not like it when you attempt to clip their claws.

    My therapist has been prodding me RE my gender-fluidity, and I’ve finally decided to address the matter. (Context: I’m female equipped, but ‘project’ male about 90% of the time.) I can acknowledge this, but that’s where the train stops. I have massive issues with actually embracing it, or even using male pronouns to refer to myself. My brain freezes up when the therapist refers to me in the masculine. So I’ve been attempting to work on this. Therapist suggested starting with using the correct pronouns, but not much progress has been made as of yet.

    On the YAY! side of the scale, I’m in a new relationship with a very amazing guy. One week today, and everything has been simply sparkly. Very happy. ^_^

    As to the music, I am currently listening to Hinder’s cover of Eddie Money’s Take Me Home Tonight. Link for the curious. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V5ZvvlWNYgo

  15. Hello everyone! I’m travelling so have not been paying full attention to my bloggy email alerts. I just released a shedload of comments that were caught up in the mod queue, so apologies to anyone whose comment has been there for a long time this weekend. Oops.

  16. I live in Central IL, and a series of sixty tornados have ripped through here. 12 hours and counting with no power. My friend had a tree hit her house, my niece’s half-sister no longer has a house, my cousin’s in-laws no longer have a house, another cousin was MIA for two hours before he was found in an underground shelter buried in wreckage. My Facebook feed filled out with posts begging for nurses and doctors to help at makeshift triage centers. The National Guard just showed up. I used to be a mental health case manager; the tornado destroyed the apartments where my former clients lived.

    It’s so horrible. I’m sitting in my car, charging my phone, watching the sky for any signs of more weather. If any of you have the ability or the means, please donate to the Red Cross. Washington and Pekin are rural towns with high levels of poverty and blue-collar workers. It’s all so fucking unfair.

    2. Holy shit, Karak, I had no idea. I’m so, so sorry. That’s terrifying. Please do what you can to stay safe. I’m wishing you the best of luck.

    3. I live in St. Louis. We were lucky, though there were a lot of downed trees and limbs littering the street. Miraculously, I didn’t lose power (lights only flickered a few times), but a lot of people in my area did. Stay safe, check in if you can.

    5. Update: my power is back on–it was out for a perfect 24 hours. My apartment is fine. My hometown, Pekin (where I no longer live but am very close to), lost 46 homes and well over a 100 more sustained serious damage and are not livable. Washington lost uncountable homes–last I heard the count was in the multiple hundreds. Only one death, however, and the local, national, and international community have sent all kinds of aide. We are immeasurably grateful, especially going into the holiday season.

      Here are some pictures so you guys can see what happened here:

      http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2509622/Washington-Illinois-tornado-Aerial-photos-incredible-scale-destruction-town.html

      And this one shows the “scouring” effect it had on the fields: http://i.imgur.com/yDgSCnu.jpg

  17. Part one of a long comment in moderation (which doesn’t have to be approved if it goes through this way):

    Iā€™ve been really, seriously struggling lately with depression, inertia, and feelings of hopelessness about my future. I had already been having a lot of trouble for the last few years forcing myself to remain sufficiently functional at work ā€” in a career Iā€™ve never particularly enjoyed at any time, and have affirmatively hated for most of it ā€” to keep my head (barely) above water. Recently, itā€™s been so bad that Iā€™ve been threatened with being fired from my job (where Iā€™ve been for 18 1/2 years) several times, if I donā€™t get my act together. And even that prospect hasnā€™t helped much. For example, Iā€™ve been at my office all night but got nothing worthwhile done except napping for several hours. I just canā€™t seem to motivate myself anymore, and even fear doesnā€™t work.

    The problem is that I donā€™t honestly care very much, even though losing my job would be a complete financial disaster for me. At my age, in my career, and with my history (which thereā€™s no way to keep secret), I know perfectly well (and please nobody try to suggest the contrary) that it would be virtually impossible to find another full-time job in my field. I wouldnā€™t care so much, even though I have very little in savings, but Iā€™d probably end up in debtorā€™s prison (or the modern-day equivalent) for non-payment of alimony ā€” about 40% of my after-tax income for a 15-year period which still has 7 years to run ā€” because my present income would still be imputed to me. Youā€™re not allowed to just quit your career! (Long story re why I agreed to ā€œlifetime alimonyā€; it was before my transition and there were certain promises made to me that if I didnā€™t meet the financial demands being made, and went to trial, my transness would be revealed to the world and I might be denied access to my son, who was then still only 14 or so.)

  18. Part two: Plus if I lost my job Iā€™d probably lose my apartment, since I have to prove Iā€™m still employed every year in order to get my sublease renewed, and I donā€™t know how Iā€™d be able to find another place. Not that I could afford one for very long anyway; my total savings add up to about a year of rent. I keep thinking Iā€™m going to end up homeless. Meanwhile, my ex was able a couple of years ago to buy a new house for $450,000 in cash. I donā€™t want to sound like Iā€™m whining; I agreed to what I agreed to.

    I think the underlying problem, though, has a lot to do with feeling that I have nothing at all thatā€™s good to look forward to. I get a lot of pleasure from all the good things that (fingers crossed) have been going on for my son, and from all the good things that happen for my friends, but I donā€™t see anything good for me personally. That may sound self-centered, but thatā€™s how I feel. Given that, itā€™s going to be very hard to force myself to continue working hard in a job I hate for endless years to come. I donā€™t see how Iā€™m going to be able to hold on even until my alimony obligations expire, or anything close to it. Whatā€™s the point? I know Iā€™m never going to be in another relationship or even try to be in one, as terribly lonely as I feel sometimes ā€” my last relationship ended almost eight years ago, shortly after my transition. (Iā€™m way too fearful of the disclosure issue to try to meet anyone, plus there are certain physical issues arising from the fact that because of all the horrible complications that happened after my surgery, the results didnā€™t turn out very well.) I havenā€™t even bought any new clothing for a couple of years now ā€” it seems like such a waste of money, and Iā€™ve always felt guilty about spending money on myself for anything other than books. (Books are sacred!)

    Plus my health is poor, and has been for the last 35 years. Iā€™m on anti-depressants, and Iā€™d be a lot worse without them ā€” when I run out, I start getting severe suicidal ideation within 24 hours, as opposed to the vague thoughts I have normally ā€” but they canā€™t fix the situation Iā€™m in. It isnā€™t really fixable. So why bother?

    No responses necessary; I just needed to vent. And nobody should worry, I’m not really in any danger of actually doing anything bad, fantasies of escape notwithstanding!

    1. Oh, and every time I try to engage in any kind of activism or advocacy work to help other trans people and push back against transphobia, I just end up getting even more depressed. Even after all these years, and as greatly improved as I am in terms of self-acceptance, and as much as I seem to be universally perceived and accepted in my real life as who I am, I still can’t read all — or really any — of the incessantly hateful and cruel stuff that’s out there, seemingly from all directions, without wanting to crawl under a bed and stay there forever. It’s difficult not to take it personally, you know? Especially after having struggled with internalized shame and self-hatred about being trans, for decades beginning in childhood. So it’s really, really bad for me to look at that kind of thing (I’m beginning to think that Twitter is the invention of the devil!), but it’s necessary in order to fight against it. And I just can’t right now.

      1. Donna, I’m so sorry to hear about all of what you’re going through. I won’t share any advice (because I don’t have any and because you just wanted to vent), but I just want to say that, despite never having met me in person, you have helped me understand and move past my feelings of self-doubt about being trans. I remember when I officially came out as a trans woman and you left this comment on my journal:

        Hey — just so you know, trans people have many, many different kinds of experiences, and paths (and times in life) of becoming aware of their transness. Please don’t foreclose anything (one way or the other) because your experiences and feelings don’t conform to what you’ve read or heard about others. (Back when I grew up, for example, I believed for many years beginning in my adolescence that I couldn’t possibly be transsexual, because at the time, all I had heard was that trans women [not that that term existed at the time] had to be interested exclusively in men, and my primary romantic attractions have always been to women.)

        Ultimately, only you can decide what you are, and what you want. Just be open to wherever your heart and mind take you. It’s all equally good.

        Donna (from Feministe)

        This comment has meant so much to me that, when I was experiencing the worst of my self-doubt, I found comfort in thinking about what you said in that comment. Maybe that’s hard to believe, and I understand why you’d think that since internet comments often have an insignificant impact on people’s lives. But with my own efforts and your words internalized, I was able to break out of that phase of self-doubt.
        i

        1. (Oops. I wasn’t able to finish my comment)

          Anyway, I’m just bringing that up to say that you’re a wonderful person and I really hope for the best for you. I’m saying that because it’s rare for someone to have this much of an impact on me. I know you live on the east coast (which is super far from San Jose) and it’s unlikely that I’ll ever meet you, but if I ever have the chance to meet you and you’re completely okay with that, I would totally be down with meeting you. I’m just saying.

        2. Thanks, Ally, I appreciate it. It helps a little to be reminded by others that I’m not a terrible person who deserves everything bad that’s ever happened to me, since I have trouble sometimes convincing myself of that.

    2. Donna, I am offering all the virtual support and cyberhugs an internet stranger can offer. FWIW, I’ve always admired your work around the internets, and your genuine kindness and humor. You definitely do NOT deserve this isht. I’m so sorry.

    4. And hey, as long as I’m going for the TMI, I might as well go all in, just to show what a perfect day I’m having: either I have a UTI or I’m just completely dehydrated from not drinking enough water over the last 24 hours, as tends to happen a lot given my lack of a colon (the symptoms feel the same, pretty much), but I’ve had to pee (or felt like it) about 20 times already since this morning, and wow does it hurt. Plus it’s a good thing I always keep extra underwear at the office, because a couple of times I haven’t made it all the way to the bathroom. (I never used to have this problem before GRS — it’s one of the effects of having a shorter urinary tract, not that I mind paying that price!)

    5. Donna, as someone who struggles with clinical depression and is intimately familiar with feelings of self-worthlessness, i identify strongly when you said:

      It helps a little to be reminded by others that Iā€™m not a terrible person who deserves everything bad thatā€™s ever happened to me, since I have trouble sometimes convincing myself of that.

      Just wanted to say that you i have always seen in your comments great warmth, wisdom, and someone that really has a heart for others. And alot of intelligence and insight. Wish i knew how to make those feelings go away instantly (for you and me!!!).
      Mainly i want to say that i whenever ive read a post from you i feel strongly that the person on the other end of the computer is the exact opposite of terrible.

    6. I don’t want to be random band-aide person, but when my depression over my future and prospects consumed me, I tried to find some reason to get up every day.

      And my family wasn’t good enough, my partner, my theoretical future–I couldn’t do it for other people, I had to do for something that I wanted. And I thought and thought and realized the only thing I really wanted was to see The Dark Knight Rises. I wanted to see a movie (this was summer 2011).

      That was my motivation. I worked so I could have money for tickets. Every moment of my day was structured around this one thing I wanted, because I’d been numb for so long I forgot what it was to want something concrete and attainable.

      I don’t know if this will work for you, but if there’s anything you want to do, want to see, want to make or eat, for yourself, not for your son/family/friends/job, just for you, find it and cling to it.

      As stupid as it sounds, fandom saved me from my depression–it was the first step towards getting out and getting help. It might work for you.

    7. Donna, I’m so sorry to hear your having such a hard time. I don’t have any concrete suggestions to offer, but please know you’re in my thoughts.

    8. Donna, I am so, so sorry you are going through this. I wish I could help some practical way, but at any rate, from all your comments I’ve seen here, you are a wonderful person and much cared for, and cared about, by many people. Lots of hugs, if they’re welcome from a voice from thousands of miles away. I hope things get better, soonest.

  19. Reading all the song lines has given me a realization that never struck me before. I used to collect lines and then write them out in my good calligraphy to make calendars as presents for people. Particular care went into selecting the quote for the recipient’s birthday. I did this maybe eight times in ten years, with one person being on the receiving end twice. What’s just occurred to me is that one of his calendars had on his birthday a first line (“It’s time to close up your open mind.”) and the second what was essentially a last line (“With his hammer and his popsicle, they put him in the hospital for good.”); it seems almost incredible it took this long to notice that.

      1. Yes, heartbreaking. With so many witnesses, the capture of suspects at the scene, and community outrage, I didn’t expect things to go down like this.

        Is the headline alone just too much? Maybe I should ask the mods to add a trigger warning and remove the headline from the text of the post.

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