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The Dread Pirate Parton

zuzu

Suddenly, she makes more sense now:

I’m developing a new theory: that Dolly Parton is an enterprise run almost identically to that of the Dread Pirate Roberts. So when the Dolly Parton we know grows weary and decides to retire, she identifies a replacement who will seamlessly merge into the life of Dolly Parton and carry on the Dolly Parton name and brand, as if nothing had ever happened. That way, Dolly is ageless and lives forever, and people will never have to know what a dark and woeful place the world would be without her and that hair, and the breasts that unwittingly prepared a nation to cope better with Anna Nicole Smith.

Read the rest to find out who’s getting ready to take over the franchise.

24 thoughts on The Dread Pirate Parton

  2. I actually LOVE Dolly Parten. I think she’s spunky and funny and unapologetic, and I like that in a lady. Plus, Steel Magnolias, hello??

  4. Glad to see a fellow traveller who agrees that Dolly Parton is not, in fact, all that.

    Also glad to see a good Princess Bride reference. Which brings me to a question: How do we know that Dolly Parton hasn’t already Dread Pirated herself? She’s been around a pretty damn long time…

  7. I followed the link (I adore GFY) and my two-year old son saw Anderson’s photo. He immediately asked to nurse, then paused, lifted his own shirt and asked me if his boobs are nice. Now everyone’s got body-image issues.

  9. I followed the link (I adore GFY) and my two-year old son saw Anderson’s photo. He immediately asked to nurse, then paused, lifted his own shirt and asked me if his boobs are nice. Now everyone’s got body-image issues.

    That is so cute!

  12. Parton is amazing, Robert. You obviously don’t know her that well, because there’s so much for you to dislike–she’s got a long body of work that subtly reinforces liberal ideas, including her work with gay rights activists, her most recent album that’s stuffed with anti-war songs, and even stuff as simple as the lyrics to the song “9 to 5” where she sings about how women are mistreated by male bosses in the workplace–a song accompanying a movie where she is the sympathetic victim of sexual harassment.

  14. Amanda, you don’t know anything about me, and what you do know is generally wrong. Consider the possibility that you know less than you think you do; that’s a lot more likely than me being such an idiot that I think the obviously liberal Parton is some kind of uberconservative icon.

    It is possible to be impressed with someone and think they have a remarkable character even though might disagree with their ideas or positions.

    At least, for some of us.

  15. I respect people who make sincere arguments. You do not. I do wait eagerly for your story of how your family reacted when you changed your name to your wife’s, since you’re such a proponent of matrilineal naming.

  16. I remember seeing Dolly on Johnny Carson once. He acted like a typical cad of his era, making comments about her boobs and all.

    She was so cool and collected. Her intelligence came through her smily country-girl put on. She cut him down, made him look like a little stupid man all the while smiling for the camera, playing her part as cool as ever. A women in control every mintue. I always respected her after seeing that.

  17. Maybe I’m just humour-impaired, but I find Go Fug Yourself pretty appallingly anti-women, as it seems to be dedicated to mocking the hair, bodies and clothing of primarily female “celebrities.”

    I’ve long felt that Dolly Parton takes a very feminist approach to her appearance – her blond wigs, large breasts and uber-flashy clothes are intentionally over the top, mocking and satirizing the expectation that female performers need to look a certain way, regardless of their underlying talent. See e.g. this: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Image:Tv_snl_dolly_parton.jpg
    But don’t let me ruin your fun.

  19. Jill, why the guilt? I say Go Fug Yourself fully deserve sincere guilt-free pleasure.

    Because, like Ann says,

    I find Go Fug Yourself pretty appallingly anti-women, as it seems to be dedicated to mocking the hair, bodies and clothing of primarily female “celebrities.”

  20. Zuzu,

    This:

    “I’m developing a new theory: that Dolly Parton is an enterprise run almost identically to that of the Dread Pirate Roberts. So when the Dolly Parton we know grows weary and decides to retire, she identifies a replacement who will seamlessly merge into the life of Dolly Parton and carry on the Dolly Parton name and brand, as if nothing had ever happened. That way, Dolly is ageless and lives forever, and people will never have to know what a dark and woeful place the world would be without her and that hair, and the breasts that unwittingly prepared a nation to cope better with Anna Nicole Smith.”

    is hard to read as anything other than “Dolly-knocking.” It characterizes her as completely fungible, a “name and brand” defined by her appearance, rather than her talent, which by most accounts is quite formidable. Even if you don’t like her singing, she has written some very sucessful songs that have been hots for other performers. The reference to Anna Nicole Smith makes no sense to me; clearly it is intended as an insult.

    I commend to you the documentary: “Searching For Debra Winger” (e.g. http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0318049/ ) for one easily digestible account of the way women “celebrities” have their careeers tied to their ability to reach and sustain a certain level of a particularized sort of beauty, regardless of their underlying talent as actors, or musicians.

  21. Cripes, Ann. You’re taking this way too seriously.

    The idea is not that Dolly Parton is fungible, but that Pamela Anderson is starting to resemble Dolly Parton, to the extent that she could step into Dolly’s shoes a la the Dread Pirate Roberts.

    It’s supposed to be funny. And it is, if one unclenches one’s sphincter.

  22. You’re correct, I do take the crass objectification of women very seriously. And if I found comparing Dolly Parton to Pamela Anderson and Anna Nicole Smith funny I’d spend more time at blogs like TBogg. This one used to be a respite from that sort of thing. I will indeed take my sphincter elsewhere.

  23. Ann:

    I do adore Dolly, but….
    She’s cultivated the image and marketed it.
    It’s a global image.

    In Iraq I they called the enemy tanks Dolly Partons because of the double armour bulges. Just like Mae West life jackets.
    Yet, neither of these women, in one’s wildest imagination, could be called slaves to the Patriarchy. They both screwed with the world and won. It’s called Chutzpah!
    Zuzu is right…gotta laugh sometime.

  24. I’m concerned that Pamela may need considerable personality work before she’s ready to take over the Dolly franchise.

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