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FNTT Season 8, Round 1: the “Nine times out of ten it’s an electric shaver. But every once in a while…” edition

Jill

Background on FNTT here. Click through to read this round’s contenders. The usual reminder: Comments below are abusive, insulting and may be triggering. This particular edition is Part 2 of the many, many, many comments left on Feministe after a thoroughly humiliating event that I would be happy to never talk about ever again and wish I could erase from the whole of the internet, but which clearly is going nowhere, and brought out such amazing trolls that it just doesn’t seem fair not to highlight them. The second five are below.

1. Robert

Now he’s going to lose his job for being funny.
He should have just discretely smelled or given a little taste and then quietly put it back.

2. JOHN

NO WONDER YOU HAVE A VIBRATOR, BITCH

3. OH YEAH BABY WORK IT

Nothing spells LOSER like a dumb,liberal skank traveling with a dildo.Memo:get a boyfriend or use your hand
good day

4. Eddy

Jill you hot little minx! I’m throbbing at the thought of you buzzing away at your sweet beaver.

5. Black Rob

So, it is true Jill is a big ol homo along with the guys, since the TSA found your tools for masturbation.


55 thoughts on FNTT Season 8, Round 1: the “Nine times out of ten it’s an electric shaver. But every once in a while…” edition

  2. Robert, for the grossout factor, the assumption that it was a man that did it, the assumption that said man was attracted to women or interested in that sort of thing, and the belief that it was funny.

  4. This one was tough, but in the end, I was won over by “good day.” It takes effort to be courteous after calling someone a liberal skank.

  5. John! I can’t believe he has so few votes.

    It kind of reminds me of a (sexist, problematic, favorite guilty pleasure) Kevin Hart skit, where he talks about how you can win an argument by yelling something random and then leaving. “Everytime I come in the house you got the microwave on high, FUCK YOU!”

  7. Had to go with oh yeah baby work it for “use your hand.” Thanks for the tip.

    Although black rob is a close second for “big ol homo.” What?

  9. Robert had me instantly because OH MY GOD, but I had a last second change of heart and gave it to Black Rob. I want to know what guys he is talking about, and I want to know how masturbation = homosexual.

  17. Definitely Black Rob, for the confusingly-expressed homophobia and strange attempt to seem like some sort of early modern Celtic warlord. Because c’mon, who doesn’t love internet warlords?

  19. Eddy is too horrible even to vote for. Oh, man, I’m so sorry you were subjected to that.

    The others are just your normal trolls. Oh Yeah Work It wins for the hysterical disconnect between the username and the message.

  21. This was tough, but in the end, Black Rob’s total lack of understanding of just about anything in this situation made me laugh, and that’s important in these trying times.

  22. Also, all men are gay? What? Did he mean that Jill having sex with herself=having sex with a woman (which supposedly makes her gay) is parallel men have sex with women=are gay? AND SO JILL AND MEN ARE BOTH GAY FOR WOMEN.

  24. I , too, wondered who “the guys” were in Black Rob’s rant. Along with what guys? I assumed maybe there was some previous story about the TSA finding sex toys in the bags of some gay men?

    Also- “tools for masturbation” LOL, not sure why

  25. This was a tough one, but I had to go with Robert, the stupid twit who doesn’t know the difference between “discrete” and “discreet.”

  26. I can’t believe these people are so upset about vibrators. I mean, they are the best things in the world!

  28. I can’t believe these people are so upset about vibrators.

    I can’t believe that none of them seem to know the difference between a vibrator and a dildo.

  29. I’m actually deeply disappointed not to have to opportunity for vote for Dana or FrankD. Those were some truly classic troll times.

  31. Have to vote for BR. For equating Jill and vibrators and homos; and for equating homos (sic) with big and ol (sic). I’m not sure how TSA fits in there, but I guess, if one obsesses about big, ol (sic) homos (sic), one finds a way.

    Thanks for sharing, Jill. Hope you’re having a good laugh as well.

  36. I voted for Eddy because of his horrible concept of boundaries, but there were a lot of great contenders this round.

  37. Robert had me with the having a little taste and then quietly putting it back. The description is disturbingly evocative.

  38. Oh Yeah Work It wins for the hysterical disconnect between the username and the message.

    this. And other reasons too, like:
    LOSER IN ALL CAPS= this be serious!
    Jill, you liberal skank! Hmmm. How is she a skank exactly when she is using a vibrator?? I mean, skank, get a boyfriend!
    OH YEAH, nothing spells doesn’t fully understand like “just use your hand”!!!! Who’s the loser, now, bucko?? Loser for the win!!

  42. Black Rob, for his lack of understanding that big ol’ homo ladies do not, in fact, go “along with the guys”.

  44. Hmmm…almost went with Black Rob, but in the end Robert wins on gross-out factor alone. Again with the smelling (and tasting *gack*). Not enough heebie-jeebie dances in the world. Not nearly enough.

  45. Work It, because he is so compelled to convince you that only skanks use vibrators. This is right in line with the PUA practice of insulting the target to determine if she’s insecure enough to fall for the close.

  46. Torn between Oh Yeah, whose attempt at superiority is kind of ruined by hir not knowing the difference between a dildo and a vibrator, and Black Rob, who makes no sense.

  47. It obviously makes no sense that “skanks” would only be “loose” with HERSELF, vibrators make you a ho nowadays??! I thought it was like practicing abstinence?! We shoudn’t be giving these scum of the Earth, lowly conservatives the time of day– I bet they’re jacking off thinking about all the attention we’re giving to them…. ooops I forgot, masturbation is the WORST thing a person can possibly do, right? Or is that rule just for women? Surprise, surprise, Republicans being illogical & hypocritical? Who would’ve thunkit?! 😉

  49. Wow, this was very difficult. Robert is the strangest, though, because he’s the creepiest (taste it? urgh!) and also the most lucid sounding–not foaming at the mouth like the rest of them. Which makes him even weirder

  50. I had to vote for Rob simply because it didn’t make sense and he thought it was so obvious he didn’t bother trying to explain.

  51. WORK IT, because it’s so obvious that the original post threw him into an incomprehensible,foaming-at-the-mouth rant. Those liberal skanks and their liberal ways! Rarrrrgh!!

  53. Clearly Robert. The way he talks is as if smelling and/or tasting a vibrator one finds in somebody else’s suitcase is an everyday occurrence…which is at once incredibly disconcerting and hilarious.

  54. By the way, Jill–the vibrator story was referenced in the international copy of USA Today today in an article about the indignities of air travel. (The note was quoted in ALL CAPS, but you were not mentioned by name).

  55. Wow, obviously in the minority, I voted for John because of the purity of his message. And, it made me laugh more than the others.

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