I’m sure some of you will be happy to hear the news: I’m apparently a big ol’ homo.
Haha oh wait, women don’t masturbate, really — I mean, I’ve heard they do? But let’s be real here. We’re talking about sex and desire, so obviously let’s focus the attention where it really matters, on the people whose sexual desires are real and important: Men. Women can masturbate men, and that’s ok as long as those men are their husbands. A man can masturbate if he’s got one hand on his wife’s boob. But men masturbating alone: That’s a big no-no, because it makes you gay. Since you’re touching a cock.
First, masturbation can be a form of homosexuality because it is a sexual act that does not involve a woman. If a man were to masturbate while engaged in other forms of sexual intimacy with his wife then he would not be doing so in a homosexual way. However, any man who does so without his wife in the room is bordering on homosexuality activity, particularly if he’s watching himself in a mirror and being turned on by his own male body.
I’m not going to pretend like I’m brand-new here, but is the jerking-off-in-the-mirror thing a thing? Is that one of those things that dudes just collectively do that women don’t know about until one of them gets drunk and tells us, like how all men apparently blow their noses into their hands while they’re showering (which is so gross, why do you guys do that)? Most men I know don’t even own full-length mirrors, so this is really confusing.
[As a sidenote, this article says that 48% of single men admit to masturbating once a week or more. Only 48%? WHAT are you guys doing? Are there too many video games that need playing or something? Pick up the pace, homeboys].
So the “Touching yourself? No homo!” thing is the part of this article that’s gotten the most play, but the whole thing is… well, it’s something:
Fourth, masturbation can establish a pattern of laziness. If a single man wants to have an orgasm, he needs to first become a man and undergo the hard work of courting and marrying a woman. If a married man wants to have an orgasm, he needs to first undergo the hard work of loving, leading, and romancing his wife. But, lazy men are prone to rub one out in the shower each morning rather than undergo the labors usually associated with responsible masculine married life.
I like how the definition of “lazy” is “not turning 18, getting a job, dating, meeting women, falling in love and entering into a life-long commitment with another human being.” GET OFF THE COUCH, LOSERS.
Question: My wife and I watched pornography together a lot before we became Christians and imitated what we saw people doing on the television. We both really enjoy watching pornography and wonder if it is okay to continue watching pornography if we do it together and only have sex with each other?
Answer: No, you should not watch pornography because it is a sin of lust. Also, you do not want your lovely wife to think of herself as a whore. Since it is your job to wash her with the Word of God, cleansing her and making her holy, you should put down your dirty, defiling porn and pick up your Bible as the beginning point for your marital intimacy.
[No comment, just sayin’].