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Feministe Feedback: Reading for an Eight-Year-Old Exploring Her Gender?

Chally

There is a background of lots of circles of pink, yellow and blue. A young white girl has her hair in two plaits with red bows on the ends and is wearing a white and red blouse. Her hand is on her chin and she looks thoughtful. Bright friendly type says 'feministe feedback' at the bottom.A reader writes in asking for some assistance:

We always speak freely with our daughter about things like the difference between sex and gender and we try to emphasize that she is free to define her own gender in a manner in which she sees fit. Being two cisgendered, hetero people, this isn’t always easy, but we are doing the best we can to keep our privilege in check as we approach this. We try to emphasize that gender is fluid, on a chromatic spectrum, not a binary structure.

Recently, she wore a tie to school and was picked on by a boy who called her a “half boy”, to which she replied “So?”. We were proud that she had the strength to say so, but she did ask us what was wrong with being a “half boy”. Of course we told her nothing was wrong with it, but we are finding that as she explores gender identity more, and as she moves through it, we don’t always have all of the answers.

She would really love some age appropriate reading material to help her through this exploration. She is eight, and in second grade, with a reading level that is about two grade levels higher, but given the sensitivity of the material, I am more concerned about age appropriateness. We use Robie Harris books for development, and she really likes those. I was hoping that the Feministe crowd could suggest some more material that might be helpful.

What say you, readers? Can you supply our reader’s kid (who sounds rather fabulous!) with any age-appropriate reading material that will help with her gender exploration?

Don’t forget to send your questions to feministe@gmail.com

54 thoughts on Feministe Feedback: Reading for an Eight-Year-Old Exploring Her Gender?

  1. It may be slightly easy for her, but get her a copy of ‘The Wild Woolly Child’ 🙂

    I raised my son with as little gender-stereotyping as possible and it was one I particularly liked. It’s about a girl who refuses to conform to gender stereotypes and is supportive of that stance.

  2. I agree with Robyn. I was just about to suggest “The Wild Woolly Child”. I STILL love the book. You’re in good hands with that one.

  3. I was just looking around online and found this blog for LGBT teen books. Might have to wait awhile to break some of these out, but it looks like a great resource. There’s a category of books with gender non-conforming teens as main characters. http://www.leewind.org/

    10,000 Dresses is a classic, of course.

  4. Phoebe’s Revolt by Natalie Babbit. (And anything else by her, because they are great stories, not because they have a genderbending focus.)

    Amazong describes Phoebe’s Revolt: “Phoebe Brown doesn’t like the frilly clothing little girls are expected to wear in 1904. So one day she refuses to get out of her bath unless she is permitted to wear her father’s clothes. Her one-woman revolution is sure to appeal to other little girls with minds of their own. Two-color illustrations.”

    What they don’t mention is that the entire thing is a rhyming poem. It’s pretty hilarious.

  6. Hi there-

    Here’s a good School Library Journal Article that gives titles, including Marcus Ewert’s 10,000 Dresses. It also mentions X: A Fabulous Child’s Story which my sister and I loved as kids. That story appears in the anthology Stories For Free Children, which is old but can still be found cheaply via Bookfinder. It has lots of good stuff in it that may fit the bill.

    Have a great day!

    Miriam DesHarnais
    Librarian
    Baltimore County Public Library (but writing personally here)

  8. “The Sissy Duckling” by Harvey Fierstein is a fun, charming book about a duckling who refuses to conform to rigid gender roles. I recommend it for both boys and girls.

  9. Harriet the Spy is pretty good. Harriet is her own person who refuses to conform to anyone’s expectations. I think it’s good for about a ten year old, but if this girl is a good reader maybe it would be fine.

  10. X: A Fabulous Child’s Story, is available online for freebies.

    Most of the books I can think of are decidedly British: The Turbulent Term of Tyke Tyler, The Fox Busters.

    There’s that Bloody Jack Series, but I’ve only read the first two of them.

  11. I *loved* The Turbulent Term of Tyke Tiler when I was a kid. It might not seem apparent why I’m suggesting this one, as it doesn’t appear to be relevant on the surface, but the twist at the end left me breathless (and very much inspired!) as a 6 year old proto gender rebel. It’s a very popular book here in the UK, first published in 1977 and re-released every few years. As well as the twist-theme, there’s a strong current of sticking up for the underdog, picking your battles wisely, and the importance of friendship.

    I almost want to go and buy another copy now, and I’m 32!

    Amazon page is here: http://www.amazon.co.uk/Turbulent-Term-Tyke-Tiler/dp/0571230946
    Wiki is here (warning, spoilers!): http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Turbulent_Term_of_Tyke_Tiler

  12. Ahh Rose, you beat me to it. Great minds think alike eh? I don’t think the Britishness of Tyke would be impenetrable for an average kid. I’m a Brit, and by 6 or 7 was reading typical American stuff like Judy Blume, and didn’t find them inaccessible.

  13. Well, it’s not an educational book, but I myself would suggest the ‘The Song of the Lioness’ series by Tamora Pierce. It’s about Alanna who decides she wants to become a knight despite being a girl and not being allowed to do so. She crossdresses for years until she reveals her secret and she manages to become one of the greatest (lady) knights of her time.
    I’ve read the books when I was young myself and still find them inspirational and encouraging. Maybe 8 is still a bit too young, because there is sex and death in the books, but depending on how mature your daughter handles these themes she might want to read it nevertheless.

  14. Seconding Tamora Pierce. Not only the Song of the Lioness quartet, as mentioned above, but the Protector of the Small quartet, set a generation later and featuring the first girl who is allowed to seek knighthood openly. It’s a bit more advanced reading than the Lioness books, and rather than crossdressing in secret, Kel’s road involves negotiating men’s gender roles as an out female and making them gender-neutral. She’s also very strongly anti-bullying, dealing with both what’s directed at her as The Girl, and defending others, first-year pages from the older pages’ hazing and a servant from a couple of predatory men. It’s highly recommended reading with regards to the bullying that a child might encounter as a gender-nonconformist (or, for that matter, just as a child).

    When she’s older still, there’s the Beka Cooper books, which deal with dubious reactions from loved ones to her “unladylike” behavior (she’s a cop, basically, and her sisters have issues with her choice of profession, which they regard as suitible for a boy, but not a girl).

    It’s all just, in addition to being fun stories, very thoughtful about the difficulties people try to create for you for not being what they expect.

  15. The Princess Knight by Cornelia Funke and Happily Ever After by Anna Quindlen come to mind.

  16. I’d second the recommendation for X: A Fabulous Child’s Story. It’s about a child whose parents decide to raise it without revealing its gender, and the way this impacts and changes ideas about gender within the community. Great read!

  17. I read X: A Fabulous Child’s Story clipped out of Ms Magazine when I was about six or seven. I adored it.

    I recently found a used copy, it was printed as a freestanding book. I still send digital copies to people I like.

  18. As much as I love Tamora Pierce’s books, I have to disagree about the Beka Cooper books. The first is all right, but Bloodhound is horrible about it’s trans character. Everyone refers to her as a man, theres that icky “perfect mix of men & women” trope, the use of the word “ladycoves” (ie lady-boys), and was just really, really disappointing to me.

  19. Another vote for Tamora Pierce!

    Also “Fearless Girls, Wise Women and Beloved Sisters” by Kathleen Ragan and Jane Yolen is an age-appropriate collection of folk tales with a female lead. Also try “Not One Damsel in Distress: World Folktales for Strong Girls” by Jane Yolen.

    A second advantage of both these collections is they feature stories from across the globe so are good in creating an awareness that heroes come in many colors and from many places. Yolen also has a book, “Mightier Than the Sword” which I don’t have but which features male heroes who win on their brains not their brawn, which is nice.

    Also “Listen to the Wind” by Greg Mortensen is the children’s book version true story of Mortensen himself, who got lost trying to climb K2 and was rescued by Pakistani villagers. He vowed to build them a school to thank them and has now built about 40 schools, empowering girls throughout the region. I read the grownup version, “Three Cups of Tea”. The children’s version is designed to foster the idea of the strength of girls across the world and the importance of all girls getting an education.

  20. There’s also a book I have on order called “The Serpent Slayer” by Katrin Tchana which is another collection of tales with female heroes, this one is very highly rated on Amazon with reviewers saying boys and girls both enjoy it.

  21. When Emma described “The Song of the Lioness” is reminded me of Joan of Arc. Maybe you could find a non-fiction book with the story of Joan of Arc written for young readers. Surely there’s one somewhere.

  22. It’s far more oblique, but I recommend Shel Silverstein’s Lafcadio, about a lion who becomes more and more human, then finds both sides expect him to choose between them. It’s a good parallel for intermediate identities of all sorts: multiethnic, intergender, interfaith.

  23. Once again, I’ve got to go with Tamora Pierce. I started reading her when I was about seven or eight. Start with Alanna: The First Adventure.

  25. I liked Protector of the Small better, because the protagonist was awkward and tall. Pierce wrote the Alanna series in part because she’d always imagined what it would be like to be trim and athletic.

  26. Louis Sachar has a series about a boy named Marvin Redpost, and in one of the stories someone tells Marvin that if you can manage to kiss your own elbow you will turn into a girl (or a boy if you started out a girl). He does it, and then spends about a day wondering if it worked and trying to decide if he feels different, and how and why. It’s not a super-deep story, but I remember it being kind of refreshing and good for young readers.

    There is a female character in a John Bellairs book who has the opportunity to make a wish and become a boy and decides not to at the last minute. When I read it as a kid that made a huge impact on me (it’s the only part of the book I remember) but I really have no idea what the “message” of the book was. I just remember a female character whose anger and loneliness about being a girl was not trivialized.

    Now I’m curious! I will have to re-read to see if it stands the test of time. I’m pretty sure the book was “The Letter, the Witch and the Ring” Does anyone else remember it?

  28. Also try The Paper Bag Princess. A princess is engaged to a prince who is kidnapped by a dragon, which burned all her clothes in the process, forcing her to wear a paper bag when she goes off to rescue her fiancee. She challenges the dragon and manages to rescue the prince, but he tells her to come back when she looks more like a princess, and she decides she’s better off without him, and goes off to live her own life. I loved that book as a kid.

    Also, take it from me, someone who’s been a raging little feminist since the age of 7 (I’m almost 17 now): don’t worry too much about age appropriateness. Ignoring the factor that more and more kids are learning sex and violence at earlier and earlier ages, it’ll be better for your daughter to be a step ahead and know about these things beforehand. My mother didn’t believe in censorship and let me attempt to read whatever I wanted, with my only limit being my own reading level (fairly advanced) rather than maturity issues. The heavier stuff on sex and violence went over my head, and didn’t make sense to me until I looked back over it later, but at the same time, I could still get the underlying themes and messages of the books, which are far more indepth in more “mature” books, and I largely credit a lot of my early “girls can do anything boys can do” attitudes towards having read the more mature books right alongside the books appropriate for my age level (that, and the fact I’ve been watching Xena since I was 4…actually, technically, all my life, as my mom used to hold me as a baby while watching it, but I’d been watching it of my own volition since age 4, and on that note, even though it’s a show for adults, I’d recommend at least some of the lighter episodes for your daughter, as well, especially if she goes through a lot of bullying at school for refusing to conform to gender norms – while defiance can be empowering, it’s also tough and disheartening, and at the end of the day, watching a girl be feared by boys and kick their butts is the best antidote to keep her going).

    Good luck!

  29. Ah, also, I forgot one, one which is fairly age-appropriate (tween set, but if your daughter’s as mature as described, this’ll be good for her): James Patterson’s “Maximum Ride” series. Six kids of various ages were medical experiments, have been genetically grafted to have 2% avian DNA – in other words, wings. They escape and have various adventures as they go along with their strange lives. One thing is that this is told from the viewpoint of the girl. And, despite the fact the oldest three kids are all ~14 and two are boys and one is a girl, it’s the girl that’s in charge of the Flock (as they call themselves), and one of the other boys is her “right hand man”, rather than him being in charge and her being the right hand/supportive woman. Not only is it heartening to see a girl in charge automatically (and for it to be considered standard/normal by the others, too), having this written by a male author normally known for male-dominate genres/books is actually incredibly encouraging.

  30. My first thought when I read this thread was of a book that popped up one day at the little bookstore where I work part-time.

    It’s called “The Boy in the Dress” by David Walliams

    It’s about a boy who befriends a girl in his school who’s into fashion and decides to turn up one day in a dress 🙂

    It’s British though, so it might be harder to get hold of in the states. Here’s the Amazon UK link:

    http://www.amazon.co.uk/Boy-Dress-David-Walliams/dp/0007279035/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1273754623&sr=8-2

    For a more girl-powered book, what about Patricia C. Wrede’s “Enchanted Forrest” series (beginning with “Dealing with Dragons”- it’s about a princess who gets bored with princessing so she runs off to work as a librarian for a local dragon instead. This one’s been near and dear to my heart since I was a kid 🙂

  33. Here’s a thought out of left field – if the whole purpose of this is to eliminate gender stereotypes (and we are talking about an 8 year old here – albeit she sounds like a very smart and strong little girl) then any book about strong people would be good.

    What you may consider doing is rather than giving her books to read – maybe having her meet all sorts of people in the real world. Growing up I always felt as if the characters in books lived in a fantasy world that never really existed…and its what was in the real world that always counted most and will give her the strength to learn how to deal with gender issues in this society.

    Just a thought – but many communities have very laid-back family friendly Pride celebrations where kids can see all kind of people and see that gender comes in many forms and shapes and permutations.

    Straight allies are often welcome at these events (we don’t check dance cards at the door ;).

    And most of all – hug that child hard – tell her she’s amazing. You’re doing fine.

  34. The Outspoken Princess and the Gentle Knight, edited by Jack Zipes, contains many fairy tales with characters who flout or skew traditional gender norms.

  35. GAH! Somebody beat me to The Paper Bag Princess AND the Enchanted Forest Chronicles (which btw I’ve encountered virtually no one else who has ever even heard of them). I am bookmarking this page because the comment section has so many awesome reading suggestions.

  36. I’m kind of uncomfortable with some of the suggestions here – it looks like people are assuming “women dressing as men” is a catch-all genre suitable for someone exploring her gender. By nature they’re excellent for talking about gender roles, but often all but useless for talking about gender identity.

    As much as I liked Song of the Lioness, Alanna, unless I’m misremembering, always, always identifies as female – doesn’t she start wanting dresses and makeup at one point during her disguise?

  37. There is a anti-discriminatory book project which published a children’s book called “Our House”. It’s available for free download in German, English, and Portuguese on their website (http://afutureproject.eu/). Unfortunately the site is down at the moment, but it’s worth checking it out later. The book is about a group of children who grow up in non-normative families and have various gender identities. Besides the gender-bending it also portrays family structures other than the heterosexual happy healthy middle-class marriage.

  38. @Rebecca: Good point. On the other hand, the difference between gender role and sexual identity should be rather obscure for an eight year old. Sexual and romantic relationships would probably not become interesting to her for a few more years.

  39. I would totally go against the recommendation of anything written by Patterson. Fucking terribly written torture porn, the majority of it.

  40. @matlun: I wouldn’t underestimate eight-year-olds’ ability to distinguish, but in any case, if there’s a conflation of gender role and gender identity (which there is), why would we want to perpetuate that?

    Also, are you kidding? Eight-year-olds not caring about relationships?

  41. Rebecca- that’s why I recommended Tyke. It’s not about a girl dressed like a boy, it’s a story about a kid. The kid is a good, brave, strong, convention-defying kid. The kid is also rebellious, a bit defiant sometimes, will fight for what the kid believes is right. And then, in the last line of the book this rambunctious, gutsy kid is called Theodora. Believe me, when you’re eight and you read that, you feel like your world’s been flipped, and I say that as someone who was always taught that gender roles were bullshit and that my XX makeup did not make me lesser than my brother. It inspired me, ungendered my thinking, and made me proud of my formerly confused, tomboy one day, princess the next, kid-self.

  42. @40 Rebecca: “Eight-year-olds not caring about relationships?”

    I was referring to sexual or romantic relationships. At least in my experience, most eight year girls are still closer to the “Boys? Eww!” stage than the tween/teen fascination for romance.

    As to gender role vs gender identity, the concepts are not that clearly differentiated even to me (a fairly intelligent adult). Humans are complex and any gender classification system is by necessity a simplification and generalization of reality.

  43. In my experience, it’s quite the opposite.

    Er, I’m going to take a wild guess that you’re cis and gender-conforming, so what makes it your place to tell others that gender role and gender identity are similar enough that it’s not worth distinguishing between then? Or that gender roles are based in reality?

  44. …Not to mention that the comment to which you replied didn’t address sexual orientation at all, so I’m not sure why you’re trying to divert attention from the topic.

  45. @Rebecca- Yes, at one point Alanna decides that she wants to try wearing women’s clothes. She doesn’t want to be male, she wants to be able to do something only men are allowed to. That doesn’t mean it isn’t a good book for an eight year old exploring gender issues.

  46. @Rebecca: The post asked for books about gender exploration, and these books certainly fall under that header. The characters (for the most part) challenge gender roles, not gender identity. That doesn’t invalidate the suggestions or make them not worth the girl’s time.

  47. The letter, as reprinted, explains that the child is exploring gender identity. It doesn’t mean that books about women disguising themselves as men are bad, or that they’re not useful for other things, but on a feminist site I think it’s reasonable to expect that people not pretend gender identity and gender role are the same thing.

  48. And we’re not. But I think that the girl is exploring gender as a whole, not just gender identity. And even if she wasn’t, this is about as close as she’s going to come with kids books.

  49. Well, matlun certainly is, but I did look over the comments, and it’s difficult not to read “this book is about girl-power! and women taking on ‘male’ roles!” (paraphrased so as not to pick on anyone specific) as “gender roles are totally the thing in question here.”

    Given that the letter was prompted by the aftermath of the kid wearing a tie to school, it’s possible that she’s questioning gender roles, too, but…that’s not what the letter was asking.

    As of now, I know at least one commenter is saying that butch women and trans men are more or less the same thing, others are implying it but possibly by mistake, and it’s making me really uncomfortable. I would probably go so far as to say that telling a child who may be trans or genderqueer that she’s just longing to do “men’s” jobs is damaging.

  50. I went through a gender-identity exploring phase around that age, too, but while I never considered changing my label (I’m cis and I acknowledge the privilege that entails), I wasn’t always happy about it. Boy’s clothes were far more comfortable, boys got to do cooler things (Boyscouts went camping, but in GS we made a *quilt*? not the same thing), and I wanted to (and did) shave my head for a variety of reasons.

    I would have loved the Alana books, if I’d known about them, because in many ways I wasn’t necessarily declaring “I want to be a BOY,” but rather, “being a girl sucks. Why would I want to do that?” It was a negative assessment of who I was at that moment, not a positive assessment about who I wanted to be. Rather than seeing it as a dichotomy (Girls are X, boys are Y), I think the Alana books and others that are similar — Dealing With Dragons comes to mind — show a greater range of possibilities for being female than many kids books. There should also be books that deal with the range of possibilities for people who identify as male, and for those who identify as neither (or both), without implying that choosing that identifier automatically implies doors closed to things society has labeled “feminine.” Best of luck to the parents trying to let their kid lead…

  51. I’ve spoken with the letter writer and she’s leaning more towards what Rebecca is saying. She’s also wondering if anyone has any books geared at parents?

  52. So perhaps I was mistaken in what the original letter writer was asking for.

    For an actual recommendation, have you considered Japanese manga? There is quite a lot of material to choose from that explores different gender issues and relationships.

    I would like to recommend Rose of Versailles, mainly because it is very good 😉

  53. Another vote for Tamora Peirce, although I agree that bloodhound was awful. I was all excited about there being a trans character, and then she was treated so… bleh.

    The Alanna books are good though, and so is Protector of the Small, which was my favorite growing up. It takes place after the Alanna series but can be read on its own. Basically, Alanna proved that women can be knights, so girls are now allowed to be pages. Kel is the first girl to openly serve as a page and attempt knighthood, and she is awesome.

    Again, more gender roles than gender identity, but still worth the read.

    There’s also Princess Sarah, an adorable comic about a young trans girl. (http://www.drunkduck.com/The_Princess/index.php?p=629795)

  54. Um…just one more thought here…but essentially we are talking about three unique and separate things – which may or may not essentially have anything to do with each other.

    1) Gender “expression”
    2) Gender identity
    3) Sexual identity

    Gender Expression:
    Wearing a tie to school is not necessarily a “declaration” of well…anything other than she wanted to wear it. (And just to point out here – gender-bending and sexual orientation are NOT the same thing.) She may figure out she is a butch lesbian…she may like to cross-dress (and FYI people – cross-dressers are for the most part more likely than not to be straight – not gay)…she may be merely identifying with “male-ness” because boys have more power and mobility (and get to go camping instead of making quilts)

    Gender Identity
    Assuming we are talking about an 8 year old here – her gender identity will be manifesting itself in far more complex ways than just wearing a tie. If she is, indeed, expressing a strong desire that she is “wrongly” or “incorrectly” gendered – then that is a parenting issue that won’t be solved with books about strong women who dress up as boys (but stay being girls) or boys who dress as girls (and turn out to be gay). My trans partner will be the first person to tell you she knew she was not a “boy” from very early childhood.

    Sexual Identity
    Sexual identity/expression may or may not be fairly clearly established at this age. (Most of us “know” we like girls or boys early on even in the “yuck (insert other gender here)” phase…some kid’s don’t – it depends on the kid.). And FYI – her sexual identity will have little or nothing to do with what she wears or how she expresses it. (I can tell you from experience – butch lesbian stereotypes kept me confused and closeted for decades because I thought if I didn’t want to “be” like that then I couldn’t possibly be gay. I had no other references to use other than what I saw in the media and read about).

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