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Rape Means Rape

Jill

Mikki Halpin goes after the use of the term “rape” to mean “anything bad that happened to me” — like performing poorly on an exam or being on the losing team. She’s absolutely right:

“People use the word ‘rape’ to hype an experience, such as Jon Stewart’s political critique of Jim Cramer’s financial predictions,” says Anderson. “The hype may grab attention, but it belittles rape.” This demoralizes victims, whose traumatic experience is now ranked along with a poor performance review or a hefty cell phone bill.

72 thoughts on Rape Means Rape

  1. Amy Benfer posted about this on Broadsheet as well, though she goes into detail asking if “rape” is being misappropriated in much the way “gay” was and is. Two comments that aptly critique her argument:

    “A more apt analogy for the slang usage of “rape” is the slang usage of “murder” and its derivatives in common parlance (e.g. “We got killed out there.”, “That test was murder.”). If you swap “rape” and “murder” in these statements you get the same meaning. Swap “rape” and “gay” and the meaning is lost.

    An interesting analysis might investigate why allusions to killing someone is generally considered less vulgar than allusions to raping someone. But that is a discussion for another day …” -angry wastichu

    “Consider our slang and you’ll acknowledge that the word “rape” when used in this manner is the natural extension of sexual metaphors for dominance. We’ve long said that bad things “sucked” or “sucked some serious cock”, etc. And for the longest time everyone was “fucked” or “completely screwed.” “Fucked” is even incorporated into dated terms like “Snafu” or “Fubar”. This is to say nothing of all sorts of euphemisms like “get bent”.

    Regarding the terms themselves, there is a distinction between suggesting somebody has been animalistically fucked in a potentially consensual context and flat-out rape. But was consent ever really implied when somebody says they got “fucked over”? I don’t think so. In terms of the metaphorical meaning, there’s nothing really novel of this casual use of the word rape.

    This use of “rape” is offensive, but it’s also just the latest most prominent term used to describe the same old thing: dominance. Instead of singling out the word “rape” we should also consider other terms that are used to basically mean the same thing.” – Neal

    From both comments, I think it’s fairly evident that what we shouldn’t be worried about is this sort of hyperbolic and figurative language, given how many serious or loaded terms get misused. Instead, we should be concerned that when rape is used in the literal context, just like murder, it receives the appropriate response of horror and dismay.

  2. What this makes me wonder is how many people are okay with this casual usage of the word rape while hating it whenever girls and women correctly use the word when describing what some boy or man they dated did to them.

  3. I have a cousin who’s a college undergraduate. I was seriously uneasy when he posted on Facebook that he had “raped” a test.

  6. WELL GEE KYLE, thank you so fucking much for explaining to us little lady rape survivors which language we should and should not be upset about!!! Why, can I come to you whenever I have a question about whether or not I should be triggered by something? Sometimes it can be hard to tell, and I wouldn’t want to make an irrational lady decision. I’m sure that a man telling me what’s what would be incredibly helpful.

    Fuck off.

  7. Kyle, a key difference is that murder has always been considered a crime. Rape has not, and rape victims are routinely belittled, questioned, and subject to having their personal lives invaded merely for reporting their assault. For many, this lends extra urgency to preserving its meaning.

  8. First thing that came to mind for me:

    “PUMAs were right all along that Obama is corrupt, misogynist, homophobic, inexperienced, unqualified, conservative, totalitarian and it’s less than two months in!”

    “PUMA is a battered women’s and men’s support group. The DNC/RBC/Dean/Brazile/Pelosi/Reid were the rapists, Obama/his supporters/the MSM were the batterers. PUMAs/rape victims/battered women are not believed and are furthermore blamed for the abuse.”

  9. @Cara: Would you have reacted that way to my arguments the way you did if I had used a pseudonym? Furthermore, shouldn’t you be supportive of a male who reads and is interested in feminist issues? In what way did I belittle women, rape, or feminist issues in my comment?

    @mikki: I understand and agree that rape is unique due to the historic and current problems surrounding rape as a legal category. I agree rape should be taken seriously because of this problem, which is why I noted at the end that the literal usage of the word is where we should focus our attention. If ‘murder’ isn’t a good example, then lets move to current topics and use ‘torture.’ Sitting in a traffic-jam is ‘torture;’ Panic! At the Disco’s music is ‘torture.’ Waterboarding is torture. But waterboarding’s status as torture wasn’t mitigated by our over/misuse of the word, but by political leaders refusing to recognize the proper definition of the law and act on it.

    Again, I agree completely that rape and sexual assault victims are often treated in unforgivable ways and that those things must be changed, I just don’t think a focus on the figurative use of the term rape is useful.

  10. Thank you, Kyle, for mansplaining it to us.

    And by “thank you,” I mean, “you have no idea what you are talking about.” Goddamn.

  11. Would you have reacted that way to my arguments the way you did if I had used a pseudonym? Furthermore, shouldn’t you be supportive of a male who reads and is interested in feminist issues?

    …wow.

  12. To your first “point” Kyle, yes I would have reacted in a way that is really fucking pissed off and called you an ass. Do it all the time. But uh-oh, you got me! I probably wouldn’t have called you a dude talking down to a woman. Just an ass being clueless and condescending.

    As for your second “point”? Seriously? Take your fucking pick.

  13. @mikki: Thank you for not treating me like a lunatic.

    @Jill: You’re right. I couldn’t even believe I wrote it either.

    @Cara: My “point:” I don’t think figurative use of words undermines their value.

    You’ve all done a great job of reminding me what an enormous asshole I am. Just please answer my argument. If it’s so easy and so obvious, a couple lines will do. Articulate them, please. I want to understand why the word “rape” being used figuratively is different than “murder,” “torture,” “decimate,” “bombed,” “nuked,” or any other phrase of violence.

  14. What about the slippery slope? Can Indians object to feminists using the phrase “colonization of the body?” Should progressive stop referring to workers as slaves if af-am’s object? Japanese, nuked, etc, etc?

  15. Kyle, it’s because rape is treated differently than all of those other things. 1 in 4 American women are sexually assaulted. Women are brought up to live in constant fear of sexual assault, and that fear shapes the way that we behave and interact. It’s simply not the same for murder or torture or bombing — we are not always told that if we do certain things, we put ourselves at risk for being bombed. We don’t grow up with the message that our female bodies make us inherently vulnerable to being nuked. Because we live in constant fear of rape, and because so many of us are actually raped, hearing the term “rape” being thrown around can be incredibly triggering. Hearing that term used casually makes me feel ill.

    That’s why it’s different.

  16. Regarding the casual use of terms like “torture,” “killing spree,” etc. I think it is a valid point, and others have brought it up as well. However, just because other crimes are treated casually in everyday language doesn’t mean it is ok to do so with this one. Furthermore, this is a language change that is happening *right now,* which is why I wrote the story. It’s important to discuss it, and to consider those other words as well, but my focus is on the present.

  17. @Cara: My “point:” I don’t think figurative use of words undermines their value.

    It doesn’t necessarily undermine their value if the figurative use of the word is even remotely comparable to the literal use of the word. If you think that a test being really hard *sniffles* is anywhere near what was done to me and the conservatively estimated 1 in 6 U.S. women? Then again, fuck off.

    Further, you can fuck off if you think that there’s nothing wrong when the word is casually thrown around figuratively at the same time as women like me are belittled and accused of minimizing the experiences of real rape victims by calling our assaults rape. And if you think we should just shut up and take it. Which you certainly seem to.

    If it’s so easy and so obvious, a couple lines will do. Articulate them, please. I want to understand why the word “rape” being used figuratively is different than “murder,” “torture,” “decimate,” “bombed,” “nuked,” or any other phrase of violence.

    I can see your argument that these things are bad. And some of them are in fact minimized.

    But if it’s what you believe, then you should be campaigning for an end to minimizing use of those words. Not for women to shut the fuck up when minimizing language is used against them.

    Then again, I think the fact that you prance onto a feminist blog and demand women explain their positions and their life experiences to you tells me that you’re not genuinely interested in an answer. You’re interested in derailing the conversation and showing off your supposedly superior logic.

  18. @Jill: Ok. Thank you. From what you described, using “rape” causally is bad because it trivializes and can trigger memories of trauma for the many victims. I also better understand Amy Benfer’s correlation with “gay” in that it hails the individual’s fears and insecurities unintentionally, yet still from a source of power. I was reading the argument as an issue of violent terminology trivialization, but it isn’t just that, it’s also an issue of trivializing the person harmed. I get it now.

  20. It’s not just a matter of potentially triggering rape victims, Kyle. It perpetuates rape culture by further normalizing “rape.” And it’s more offensive than “murder” because rape is a crime perpetuated primarily by men against women. To hear men (who don’t have to worry about rape the way women do) use the word to describe something that’s nothing like rape feels like a punch in the gut, even to me (I have never been raped).

  21. Hell, “that test felt like a punch in the gut” would communicate the same damn thing without tapping into all these issues. If you can communicate the same exact thing without the downsides, what excuse do you have to keep using the triggering language?

  22. This is one of those things that makes me viscerally uncomfortable, and then I get a little Kyle-themed patriarchy tape playing in my head that makes me feel guilty for feeling uncomfortable. And I’ve never been raped, or sexually assaulted in any fashion whatsoever (unless we want to count being verbally harassed for 12 months when I lived overseas). So I can’t imagine what it must be like for women (or men) who HAVE suffered rape.

    It seems to be a new slang usage, I don’t recall it being used as much when I was younger as in the past 4-5 years.

    As to whether we can change it, along with “retard/tard,” “X is so gay,” and other similar usages—I am not sure. I think those we care can make an effort, but it’s like trying to get people to stop saying “like” or “yeah.” Hopeless on a large scale. On the other hand, we’ve successfully shifted racial slurs to being unacceptable, so perhaps it is possible. Although damned if I haven’t heard people use all the right words and make it sounds like the worst names possible (sarcastic use of “African American” comes to mind).

  23. I’m conflicted about this.

    Part of me says that the—metaphoric, I guess?—uses are progress. Some uses, of course, are both offensive and dumb (“I raped that test”? What does that even mean?). But in most of the uses it seems to be people recognizing that rape is the most incredibly dehumanizing and abusive experience any person can experience, and applying it as hyperbole to a slightly dehumanizing experience of nowhere near the intensity. It’s sloppy misuse of the language, of course, and it is trivializing rape, but at least they’re acknowledging that rape exists.

    Rape should be a taboo word, I think. We spend so much time giving children this idea that certain words—fuck, shit, ass, tit, the rest of the seven words you can’t say on television—are somehow ineffably Wrong. But they aren’t the worst words in the English language. Maybe we should give children the idea that the unspeakable concepts are rape, child abuse, torture, genocide, murder.

    And then there’s the part of me that says that some feminists, far from the majority, have expanded the definition of rape to rather an excessive degree. I’m not trying to deny anyone’s lived experience here, but to me rape doesn’t really fall into the same category as getting catcalled or groped on the subway. The one is one of the most horrific violations any human being can ever experience; the other is an uncomfortable and violating experience that, while awful and something no one should ever have to deal with, at least to me, doesn’t seem as bad.

    So yeah. We do it too, sometimes.

    But now I’ve written this long post kind-of-sort-of-defending them, and I just saw the comments about triggering, and I’m kind of embarrassed I didn’t think of that myself. Yes, you’re right, I’m wrong. Women shouldn’t be forced to relive such an awful experience as their rape. That was something I didn’t even think of. Sorry. You are right.

  24. “what excuse do you have to keep using the triggering language?”

    It’s “edgy” (or, not) to use sexually violent imagery; it really impresses yer bros and makes you look badass.

  25. I’m so glad Kyle was able to come and receive helpful information. Since that’s what we all come here for – 101 education – and none of this information is available elsewhere, it’s important that the time and energy at of the bloggers and commenters here be directed at hand-holding and cookie distribution.

  26. I have often wondered why the comparison of a midterm exam to rape is more triggering than “that exam was torture” is, and I think part of the reason is that I’m pretty privileged to have never been tortured, nor do I personally know anyone who has been. If someone flipped out the “man, that exam was torture” while we were standing next to Maher Arar, I’d probably feel very uncomfortable. Same with “I killed that test!” while standing next to someone whose loved one was just murdered. These terms share the problem that they all show a lack of respect for the actual violence that people experience, but rape feels different because far more people are raped and are likely to be walking around, and standing next to you or reading your facebook status without you knowing it.

    Secondly, “killed” or “tortured” seems so much more vague…so much less victim-specific. Someone saying “listening to that album is torture” might be less inclined to say “listening to that album is literally like being lead around on a leash naked while soldiers take my picture” or “…literally like being waterboarded” because those bring up images if things that have been done to actual people, whereas “torture” feels more removed. When someone says “rape”, I see the faces of friends and family members, and can feel the threat of past situations. Torture is more likely to be something that happened to some people whose names I can’t remember in a newspaper story about some country one time. Rape is still something that could happen to ME, but I never fear torture. When people throw the word rape around lightly, they’re betraying their feeling of privilege and safety, they know this won’t happen to them (though they’re often wrong), and reminding women of their own comparative lack of safety. It’s particularly horrifying when women say it (I’ve heard highschool girls on the bus do it), because it feels like an “us” and “them” setup – rape doesn’t horrify me because I’m not That Kind of Girl who Gets Herself Raped. To wind down… there’s a specificity about rape – do a word association, and people will probably say “women” “drunk” “party” “stranger” “skimpy clothing” in there. We “know” who, what, where, and why. Torture? “war crimes” “terrorist” maybe some methods – but not WHO, and the why is impersonal – it’s war, baby. Though I bet some people of Arab descent feel more personally threatened, these days. Same with killed – anyone can be killed, doing many, many things, and unless it’s a state-sanctioned execution, few are said to deserve it. If I said “I sent that test to the showers” though, we’d all know exactly who and where I mean, and that would a completely unacceptable comparison to most people. It’s still killed, but there’s a specific victim in mind.

    Wow, to summarize my novel – rape feels different because it has a commonly understood victim – we know you mean a woman, and we guess what you think of her own complicity in her victimization – that test/woman was asking for the punishment you gave it. (That’s you in the general, not a specific poster here). We also know your motivation: power, domination, humiliation; the meaning is not just to dispatch the test (kill it: I killed the deer I injured with my car to put it out of it’s misery) but to make it suffer.

  27. I have often wondered why the comparison of a midterm exam to rape is more triggering than “that exam was torture” is, and I think part of the reason is that I’m pretty privileged to have never been tortured, nor do I personally know anyone who has been. If someone flipped out the “man, that exam was torture” while we were standing next to Maher Arar, I’d probably feel very uncomfortable. Same with “I killed that test!” while standing next to someone whose loved one was just murdered. These terms share the problem that they all show a lack of respect for the actual violence that people experience, but rape feels different because far more people are raped and are likely to be walking around, and standing next to you or reading your facebook status without you knowing it.

    I think there’s an important point here. The thing is, I never, ever noticed casual language like “rather than do X, I’m just gonna kill myself” or “I’d rather shoot myself in the head than talk to that guy,” etc . . . until my friend killed herself. And then, all of a sudden, it was triggering to me. (Which isn’t an indictment of anyone — I will still slip and say something like that sometimes and then be like “oh crap.”)

    So yeah, there is a privilege thing going on, and it is something to chew on.

  28. “Hell, “that test felt like a punch in the gut” would communicate the same damn thing without tapping into all these issues. If you can communicate the same exact thing without the downsides, what excuse do you have to keep using the triggering language?”

    After that big long post I feel like I’m taking up a lot of space by posting again, but that quote well, slapped me across the face. When I was in Grade 6, a teacher overheard me referring to rape as something a woman in a comic we were reading probably wanted – because I thought rape = rough sex (and sex was something adults seemed to like a lot, so it must always be consensual) Said teacher was *horrified* (obviously), and gave us all a talk. And that is right on point I think – if people use “rape” to indicate they feel like they’ve been “punched in the gut” they clearly have no concept of how physically or psychologically damaging rape really can be (although I guess I really hard punch in the gut by a strong man as part of a targeted beat down would be pretty traumatizing, too).

  29. I apologize for being off-topic in not talking about Kyle and his feelings, but what can you do?

    Rape rhetoric is regrettably common in the environmental activism world, probably unsurprisingly in that “the Earth” and “Nature” are routinely feminized. I wrote about this a couple years back and just reposted the piece on The Clade.

  30. @Kyle who wrote: “I don’t think figurative use of words undermines their value.”

    You may not think so, but it does. The flippant usage of the word rape, especially by boys and men, combined with too frequent lectures from boys and men to female rape victims that what they experienced was not “real” rape causes real harm which doesn’t magically disapear when people don’t understand the backlash against that misusage.

    Just because you don’t see something doesn’t mean it isn’t real.

    If we lived in a world where rape was not minimized, denied or blamed on the victim; where rape victims who report didn’t rightfully fear being falsely accused of being the real criminal; where rape victims didn’t get harassed or subjected to additional violence from those claiming to be interested in protecting the innocent; where every report of rape was investigated and prosecuted competently; where juries never fell for “women lie about rape” as cause for reasonable doubt then this misusage of the word might be an unimportant annoyance.

    Figurative use of words can do far more harm than undermining their value, they can help incite or minimize violence.

    If a tough audition = rape then rape becomes no more traumatic than a tough audition and this plays into rampant rape denial and rape minimization. This also helps some people rationalize committing rape. He’s been “raped” many times so it’s no big deal if he rapes his date when all she wants is a good night kiss.

    Rhetoric has power. If it didn’t there would be no such thing as propaganda.

  31. This is, as Cara alludes to above, a linguistic trope that goes far beyond the use of the word “rape.”

    To “murder” something or someone is thoroughly defeat or triumph over her or him or it. “The Celtics absolutely murdered my Lakers last night.”

    Anything unpleasant is either “torture” or “rape” or a brutal beating of some sort. “That run just kicked the shit out of me.” “I should’ve brought lube to that calculus exam.”

    The use of crime as an intensifying metaphor is so widespread that I’d guess there’s not much you can do to police (er, curtail) it. You’d have as much luck getting people to only use belligerent terms like “war” and “siege” and “coup” to describe the things themselves.

  33. “I want to understand why the word “rape” being used figuratively is different than “murder,” “torture,” “decimate,” “bombed,” “nuked,” or any other phrase of violence.”

    While I agree with what Jill said, I’m also not comfortable with the casual use of many of those words either. I’m not comfortable with trivializing any act of violence.

  34. A couple of weeks ago, a good friend of mine (such that he should have known better) misused the word ‘rape’ for something very minor that happened, and I kind of told him off for it. I sent him a link to the article, and hopefully he reads it.

    Something minor in the article bugged me though. When the author cites their definition, it specifically cites violence against women, and then puts a little asterisk and says “oh yeah, it can happen to men too”. Yes, it is much more uncommon for men to be raped, but I still think a better definition would be “The unlawful compelling of a person through physical force or duress to have sexual intercourse”.Our society can be terrible and belittling to victims. ‘Why didn’t you fight back?’ is a victim-blaming question. A man who is raped is considered by some people, no doubt, to be some kind of sissy, gay, or girly- ‘feminine’. Yuck. I just argued in a circle. I don’t know, hopefully I made some kind of sense.

  35. Yes, it is much more uncommon for men to be raped, but I still think a better definition would be “The unlawful compelling of a person through physical force or duress to have sexual intercourse”.

    Um, I would actually greatly prefer “the unlawful compelling of a person without consent to engage in some form of sexual penetration.”

    Rape does not always involve a penis. It’s not always man on woman or woman on man. The orifice penetrated is not always the vagina. “Sexual intercourse” almost always means penis in vagina intercourse, and so that definition excludes anal rape, oral rape, object rape, and digital rape.

  37. Agreed, Marcella (Abyss2Hope). My definition would also include a big asterisks next to “consent” with a really long definition of what that does and doesn’t mean. But yes, it was one of the reasons I thought of that made me consider that “force or duress” doesn’t quite cover it. At least not with exceedingly inclusive definitions of both of those words, clearly spelled out.

  38. While I don’t disgaree with the post, I do have to wonder why Feministe joins the bulk of the media in ignoring the trial of Steven Green who, along with 2 other US soldiers, gang raped and killed Abeer Qassim Hamza al-Janabi. He’s on trial in Kentucky. AP is covering it. A few others. I find the silence on this topic from feminist blogs appalling.
    Abeer was 14 years old and this is a war crime. She was gang raped as they killed her parents and her 5 year old sister. Then she was killed.
    The media is largely ignoring it and a functioning feminist movement would be calling that out.
    But I’ve never seen anyone other than C.I. of The Common Ills even point out that the New York Times has never printed Abeer’s name. She was rendered invisible for two years now and when the ‘ringleader’ is finally on trial, we get more silence.

  39. this:

    “Furthermore, shouldn’t you be supportive of a male who reads and is interested in feminist issues?”

    calls for a cookie!

  40. Oh, and about the difference between rape and other forms of violence (rotture, murder, etc) – For me, a large difference between the two is the shame that surrounds rape. I know it has been extremely difficult for me to call what happened to me (in a relationship) ‘rape’ – using this word to describe these events; my feelings surrounding them; the debilitating loss of control over one’s own body; the nightmares and cold sweats, and the difficulties sleeping I had; the way I shunned guys for a time because I didn’t trust them but most of all, I didn’t trust myself with them… the word ‘rape’ was useful to me as it was not only a label, but an explanation of many of the things I was feeling (and sometimes still feel).

    The reactions of some of those who i told (my best friend, who told me ‘i knew well that that wasn’t really what happened’) and my mother (who only understood what had happened when she caught me crying over a seminar at uni which I would have liked to attend, but didn’t dare to as he might be there as well, half a year after we had broken up) – they brought home the message that on a very personal level, these experiences cannot be brought up; cannot be talked about; the chances of being believed are slim, and even then: who says you didn’t want it? Did you try saying no? etc.

    Other types of violence are generally seen as victimizing; as propoer instances of powerlessness and violation of one’s right to bodily autonomy. Rape, however, occupies a different space: it is not only taken very seriously – victims of rape are also routinely shamed for their experiences. And this is my largest problem with the casual use of ‘rape’. As long as people like me have tremendous difficulties claiming that word, rightfully, for what happened to them, I am not happy with a bunch of 16-year olds using it for a shitload of homework; or for a test; or for a shitty teacher.

  41. ‘not only taken seriously’ should read ‘not only NOT taken very seriously’, of course.. (to the mods: I hanged my screenname from irene to ferawle, is that allright? I’ll stop using irene from now on)

  42. Sorry, what happened to freedom and being able to say what you like? The misandry I’ve seen here as soon as a man posts is frankly quite worrying.

  43. “The misandry I’ve seen here as soon as a man posts is frankly quite worrying.”

    What the hell? The problem with Kyle isn’t that he’s a man. The reason people got upset with Kyle was due to him saying something genuinely harmful to rape victims. The fact that he is a man and therefore speaking from a privileged position is only secondary. There are men who manage to comment here without pissing everyone off.

  44. Chris: It is interesting that the word origin for “rape” suggested a property crime/looting (meaning that its application to sexual assault viewed women as a good and their virginity as a natural resource). As language evolved, that sub-instance nearly swallowed up the whole to the point where the environmental activists’ sensationalism you cite becomes reprehensible, although it would actually be a correct usage of the word.

    But I know exactly the phenomenon Jill and Mikki mean; although I cannot claim a lifetime innocence of misusing the word, what I’ve seen online in the development of some frat-boy parlance in the last 5 years has been disturbing, and has necessitated a few sternly-worded e-mails and Facebook friend-deletion.

  45. Sorry, what happened to freedom and being able to say what you like? The misandry I’ve seen here as soon as a man posts is frankly quite worrying.

    Dude, this is the Internet. If people can’t handle being criticized for what they say, they should unplug.

  46. Sorry, what happened to freedom and being able to say what you like?

    It got extended to women who reply to men as well as the men who speak. I know, it’s dastardly, but there you have it.

  47. I read the post and enjoyed it then went to the thread and felt my heart stop. Miley’s writing about a 14 year old girl being raped. I remember that when it was in the news in 2006. I had no idea a trial was going on about it right now. And I’m really kind of shocked that it’s not being covered. I’m more shocked that we’ve got silly ninny type comments after Miley’s comment.
    Abeer’s dead. If we don’t defend her, who will?
    In a just world, the trial of Steven Green would be the number one topic on feminist blogs all week long.

  48. Re: the Steven Green trial, I didn’t know it was happening. As Miley said, the mainstream media hasn’t really been covering it. All of us here have full-time jobs and blog as a side hobby; we write mostly about what we happen to come across in a given day, or what someone emails us. To date, no one has dropped us an email about the trial. All we’ve gotten is one comment accusing us of rendering her invisible (and now a follow-up again berating us for not covering something that isn’t being covered in the mainstream media, and that no one took the time to make us aware of).

    I don’t mean to sound defensive, but we get these kinds of comments ALL the time, and it’s really exhausting. We cannot cover everything. We post in between work and the rest of our lives. We cannot cover something if we don’t know it’s going on (and had we known this was happening, we would have covered it). I could write you a 100-point list of everything that we are not covering today. And yes, with running a blog comes a responsibility to cover issues of importance to your community, but I don’t think any of us can commit to being The Feminist News Source.

    If there’s an important issue that you think should be covered and the MSM and the feminist blogs are either ignoring it or don’t appear to know it’s happening, I would suggest a couple things: (1) email them information so that they actually become aware of the situation; and (2) start your own feminist blog and cover all the things that the other feminist blogs are missing. I don’t mean that sarcastically; there really is a lot to write about, but writing takes work and it takes time, and it’s always good to have more voices and perspectives out there. It’s very easy to point to what other people aren’t writing about or aren’t covering, but I would argue that blogging is a community responsibility, and if an issue of importance isn’t being covered, you need to step up to the plate and at least send an email instead of just assuming that we’re intentionally ignoring something or “silencing” a particular topic.

  49. You’ve all done a great job of reminding me what an enormous asshole I am.

    Kyle, it isn’t all about you, but it’s telling how you want to make this about you and your feelings (after being so patronizing to us little ladies). Thanks for reminding us that it’s about the fee-fee’s of the menz, to whom we should be eternally grateful for showing interest in our little issues. If you’re as interested in feminism as you claim to be, I advise you to stop lecturing us and LISTEN.

    V–here’s a tip, sparky. Criticism does not equal censorship, no matter how bruised your ego is from hearing it. No one is stopping anyone from saying they raped a test or whatthefuck ever. Kyle is not being oppressed because he got criticized for coming across as patronizing.

    You, my dear, are drowning in straw.

  50. It seems to be a new slang usage, I don’t recall it being used as much when I was younger as in the past 4-5 years.

    I blame Xbox live. Seriously. “Rape” is used at least 20 times during each online match. It may sound silly, but I actually find it disturbing when you are basically playing with a group of men who constantly use that word while also enforcing traditional gender roles….you get to play if you (1) aren’t good or (2) flirt. I get this weird peer pressure vibe plus the constant references to violence against women…At least you aren’t in the same room…

  51. Wow. I am right now arguing with a student about using ‘rape’ instead of ‘exploit’ for natural resources. He quoted Merriam’s dictionary to me while giving me the line “sorry IF you WERE offended, but we (I) never mean to trivialize rape.” When I then said that intent was no excuse and that we should use to right word for the context AND that using rape was UNNECESSARILY inflammatory, he again got huffy. So, I expect him to get huffy about his eventual grade from me, his politically correct feminazi prof. Sigh.

  52. My youngest sister is 13, and I have heard her (and many of her friends) use ‘rape’ casually. I asked her about it, and she said that in the context they were using, it didn’t mean the same thing.
    I told her that whether or not they meant it literally, tossing the word around all the time was insulting and dismissive of every victim of rape. What I did not tell her, because it was not my place, is that our sister has been sexually assaulted, and that the close family friend we both love dearly was raped. And that those are just the instances I know about.
    She has stopped using the term (similarly, she is trying to stop her habit of calling people ‘fag’ or various ethnic slurs while playing Xbox live; as a previous commenter mentioned, it is EXTREMELY common to the point where it is almost constant). Her friends are slowly learning to, at the very least, not use the term like that around me. Every single time they do, I stop them, make them look me in the eye, and tell them “I have many close friends who have been raped and assaulted. Whether you realize it or not, chances are you know several rape victims as well. Every time you say something like that, you are making something horrific into a joke and making it seem harmless. It is not harmless, and will never be. Find another word.”
    They are only 13 and 14; I am still bigger and considered smarter. But so many of her friends are incredibly privileged rich white boys with little to no concept of privilege at all. I am not looking forward to the day when I call them on it and they argue back. I already know which ones I am likely to have to kick out of the house, or my car, at some point in the next few years.

  53. You guys realise right that said near someone who’s had a close member of their family murdered the use of “murder” as slang is hurtful too, right?
    We can’t just begin policing people’s language, it’s a slippery slope. Plus I’d rather a family member got raped than murdered. Wouldn’t everyone?

  54. No, I would not “rather” a family member got raped than murderd. I would rather neither happened at all. That’s the most tweisted version of oppression olympics I’ve ever heard of.

    And I think it’s been acknowledged that the “murder” hyperbole is also insensitive. This isn’t about policing language (you’ll notice that none one talked about arresting people, putting them on trial, and incarcerating them) — it’s about being conscientious that the words we use have power to hurt other people, and making an effort not to be a total dick.

  55. I’d rather a family member got raped than murdered. Wouldn’t everyone?

    For fuck’s sake.

    In addition to what Jadey said (co-sign), what I also love about this is the focus on the family member.

    I mean yes, as a rape survivor, I’m glad that I’m alive of course. The answer to the question doesn’t change, but am I the only one who sees the wording as important? Basically what is being argued is that the triggers of a family member of someone who has been subjected to a horrifically violent crime are more important than the actual victim who has been subjected to a violent crime. The victim was just completely and totally erased in that sentence. (Which isn’t even to note the wording “got raped” — oops, noted it anyway.)

    That isn’t to say the triggers of family members don’t matter of course, but it doesn’t make the ranking system any less fucked.

  56. Well co-sign everything back, because that analysis is totally on the ball. I’m even frustrated that I encorporated that langauge into my retort without critique. Every damned thing about that comment is infuriating. Same old “I have freedom of speech, so shut the fuck up.”

  57. We can’t just begin policing people’s language, it’s a slippery slope.

    Depends on what you mean by “police.” If you’re talking about passing laws against using “rape” to mean anything but sexual assault, then you’re not really talking about what everybody else here is talking about. As far as I know, everybody here — except you — is talking about re-setting standards for social behavior.

    And in general, we need to have discussions like these, to reach and maintain a medium between a society where nobody can say anything that might be considered even remotely offensive and one where people go around spewing ethnic slurs and making rape jokes.

    I personally don’t agree that the word “rape” can’t be used in other contexts, but I do agree it’s used in too many contexts, especially — as Kristen mentioned — on Xbox Live to mean just about anything.

  58. V: You guys realise right that said near someone who’s had a close member of their family murdered the use of “murder” as slang is hurtful too, right?

    If you read the thread carefully, you’ll find someone’s already got that covered.

    We can’t just begin policing people’s language, it’s a slippery slope.

    We’re not talking about policing people’s language. We’re talking about makiing conscientious efforts to be aware of our language and how we can inadvertantly hurt people with the things we say, and educating others on it. We can call others out on it, create discussion on whether this kind of language should be used, and not use such language ourselves. That’s what posts like this are all about.

    Plus I’d rather a family member got raped than murdered. Wouldn’t everyone?

    What the FUCK.

    B: Good on ya. It’s heartening to hear that your youngest sister is taking what you said to heart.

  60. V-cute how expressing disgust at something is the same thing as “policing” it. I don’t hear people like you whinging and bleating about “policing” behavior when it comes to say, table manners. And you didn’t mind “policing” us (under your definition of the word) for having the gall to call Kyle on being patronizing.

    “Plus I’d rather a family member got raped than murdered. Wouldn’t everyone?”

    Sometimes there just aren’t words.

    Tell me about it, Faith.

  61. I remember the first time I heard someone talking about getting “raped” by a test. I know it trivializes the actual act, but at the time, I just suddenly felt so much clarity. I was struggling with admitting to myself and others about being raped, and the word had such power I couldn’t bring myself to say it out loud. Hearing it being used in such a trivial way was eye opening. It took me until then to see a difference between the word and the act, which gave me the freedom to talk about it.

    That being said, I wince whenever I hear that kind of thing now.

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  63. While it is in poor taste I don’t think casual use of the word out of context , does anything to belittle the experience of the victim.

    It is just a word much like murder slaughter and torture.

  64. One key difference between metaphors of rape and metaphors of murder: murder victims aren’t likely to hear you compare their ordeal to whatever minor inconvenience you’re talking about at the moment.

    Most people have the good sense not to make light of murder in front of murder victims’ loved ones. (The loved ones of murder victims are not shamed into silence, so you know who they are and what not to say in front of them.)

    Rape victims and their loved ones and allies, on the other hand, may well see or hear the rape metaphors, and may not want to discuss the trauma with random strangers.

  65. I’m shocked and disheartened at the response to Kyle’s first (and most reasonable) comment.

    As a rape survivor, I do not see the difference between the casual use of the word “rape” and the casual use of the word “murder”. I think that drawing patriarchal boundaries between those concepts is a way of reinforcing the “otherness” of sexual assault, something which in my experience has been hurtful. When we are constantly lumped together as a group that has suffered unimaginably and are subject to verbal and visual triggers, that hurts me. I want to be able to reclaim rape as something that happened to me, just like being beaten up or mugged, something I can casually compare to any other experience. Something I can laugh about.

    And If I have to do that without Feministe’s permission, I will.

  66. Thanks for the great post XX. I was finding this entire thread frustrating, and I think you’ve articulated why. Beyond the fact that I think many posters are minimizing the casual use of words like murder and torture, and the fact that MEN ARE ALSO RAPED, and are just as alienated as many female victims (which apparently doesn’t matter on a feminist blog), I’m amazed that people would respond so negatively to those who want to be part of the discussion. You find certain posts offensive or irrelevant; fine, but he has just as much right to express his views as you do, even if he isn’t a woman who has experienced assault.

    I understand that members of this forum have experienced rape, and I deeply respect your willingness to discuss it. However this isn’t a closed club, and no one gets to decide which opinions are unworthy.

  67. You find certain posts offensive or irrelevant; fine, but he has just as much right to express his views as you do, even if he isn’t a woman who has experienced assault.

    Sure. But we don’t have to provide a forum for it. And we can also respond to it. Or do we not have the right to express our views in opposition? I don’t see why this only goes one way.

    I understand that members of this forum have experienced rape, and I deeply respect your willingness to discuss it. However this isn’t a closed club, and no one gets to decide which opinions are unworthy.

    Well… actually, when we pay to maintain this space, and when we put in a ton of time to writing on it and moderating it, we do get to decide, to a point, which views are unworthy enough to just delete.

    That aside, the commentariat is just responding to Kyle. I don’t see how it’s totally his right to voice his opinion, but it’s not our right to respond and voice ours.

  68. I’m disappointed that you responded to Kat’s comment and not mine, Jill; I wasn’t making quite the same point as her and I hope you haven’t lumped our opinions together.

    You, and any commenter, had the right to respond to Kyle however you saw (and see) fit, within the bounds of maintaining a safe space here. I was just exercising my right to express my disappointment at the seeming determination to compress every experience of sexual violence into a box very clearly labeled “Other”. We’re allowed to “get murdered” on tests, but not “get raped” — without even entering into the queasy discussion of which crime is more serious, I’m simply uncomfortable with the very thick line drawn between them here and on other feminist websites.

    As a victim of rape, I feel it is my right to treat it like any other crime. I also feel it’s my duty to respect other survivors, and believe me, I take that pretty seriously. But when it comes to respect for crime victims, why is rape untouchable when other kinds of violence, up to and including murder, are not? Do I fail as a feminist if I use rape in a casual context?

    Because I feel like it’s mine to reclaim. And quite besides that, I think until we stop othering it and treating it as something shameful that cannot be referenced, it may not be treated with the seriousness that it deserves.

  69. XX, I was responding to Kat specifically because she made a point that you didn’t — she argued, basically, that this isn’t a “closed club” and everyone here has an equal right to express their opinion (as if by expressing dissenting opinions, people were somehow limiting Kyle’s ability to express his).

  70. And quite besides that, I think until we stop othering it and treating it as something shameful that cannot be referenced, it may not be treated with the seriousness that it deserves.

    While I respect your write as a survivor to “reclaim” the word if you choose, I’d argue that treating rape as something shameful that cannot be referenced is wholly different from treating it as something to minimize through metaphor. I personally don’t think that rape will be treated with the seriousness it deserves until people realize it’s a serious act. That’s pretty self-evident, but fleshing it out, I think that the vast majority of people recognize that murder is always serious, even if they would sometimes argue that it’s justified (even when it’s not), whereas people regularly dismiss most rapes as being “not a big deal.”

    I don’t think that most people are afraid of using the word rape, at all. I think most people are afraid of using it in context to describe a specific act, to describe what was done to them, what was done to someone else, what they did. And I don’t think that encouraging people to use it outside of the proper context is going to fix that.

  71. I would like to add to this comment by bringing it to people’s attention that the American radio host Michael Savage, who was recently banned in the UK incidentally, was guilty of using this metaphor in a particularly egregious way over the airways yesterday. I will quote him below, but it is vile and triggering, so be warned.

    “can you get me some music cause i’m really past caring. in other words, i heard a long time ago that if you are gonna ‘you know what’ you might as well enjoy it, and since this country is now being raped by the radical, lying, illegitimate left, you might as well enjoy it. you might as well enjoy the rape because they are raping you dry.” intro goofy music.

    so… a perfect example that this is taken far too casually, as I have not even heard anyone mention a quotation that floored me when I was listening, and as a regular listener, I am used to his outlandish rhetoric.

  72. Cara: Your point is well-made and I take it on board. I still feel that the reaction to Kyle’s fairly reasonable first comment was overblown and and it made me uncomfortable — almost as if I was wrong or anti-feminist for agreeing with some of what he said.

    But thanks for engaging me: I know this discussion is pretty old and I hate raking back through it. I think I have some more thinking to do about the whole thing really.

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