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Rules of Engagement

Lauren

Sometimes I think we should mandate comprehensive conflict resolution the same way we do sex education or driver’s education.

Because I’ve realized that I have rules within disgreements that, when broken, are dealbreakers, and I’m wondering if other people are this way too. Between my profession and the bazillion years of therapy in my past (I’ll admit it), I have pretty clear boundaries for what I will and won’t put up with in a disagreement, personally, professionally, or blogially.

For example, to me, name-calling in anger is a dealbreaker. I genuinely try not to do it because I bristle when people do it to me (and when I get there it’s a clear sign I need to disengage), but I’m finding when I talk to other people that this kind of thing is relatively normal, even in familial relationships between kids and parents, between partners, between siblings. But because this is such a dealbreaker to me, I find it a little appalling that something I consider so triggering and violent in intent is a norm.

So my question is really, I suppose, where to draw the line between what we call emotional abuse and what is relatively normal or forgivable within heated disputes? Do you have rules for interpersonal arguments? If so, are they spoken, negotiated rules?

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56 thoughts on Rules of Engagement

  1. I think name-calling is a dealbreaker for me too, but I guess I’ve never really thought about disagreement rules other than with my partner. The big rule that we have is to go easy on the drama in our disagreements: no “you always,” or “you never,” (because those kinds of statements just close things down), no shouting or yelling. I’ve never thought to include name-calling, because yeah, it seems abusive, and it’s not like I’m bothering to include “no hitting each other” because that seems like a pretty obvious “rule.” If someone’s calling me a name, they’re going beyond whatever we’re disagreeing about to make a statement about me altogether. Immature at best, abusive at worst, I think.

  2. If someone’s calling me a name, they’re going beyond whatever we’re disagreeing about to make a statement about me altogether.

    Agreed — I couldn’t quite verbalize my thought on that, so thank you.

  3. I’ve never really thought of having conversational dealbreakers, but it’s probably a really good idea. For me, I think coming up with a set of rules would be more about cataloging things people have said to me that I never want to engage with again–like the dude who told me I should go hang out in Iraq if I didn’t like it here. (This was while participating in a counter-protest to some “boycott France” nuts in 2003–we mostly just waved around baguettes and played French rap.)

  4. I’m not sure this is a “rule,” but I’m always much more willing to engage with people who disagree with me if they exhibit willingness to listen carefully and respond thoughtfully to what I am saying — if they respect and care about my perspective. If they are clearly just waiting for me to be finished so they can reiterate their point of view, or if they’re going to walk away from the encounter unchanged by the interaction, then I usually get impatient and dis-engage pretty quickly.

    Perhaps it’s sort of a reverse of what panqueque says above: I have to believe the person I’m arguing with genuinely cares about me, my feelings, and my perspective on the situation. If they don’t, then I don’t have the energy to deal with them.

  5. I am with you on the no name-calling. Anything that conveys a lack of respect, actually. I mean, if you don’t respect me, why do you care about my differing opinion enough to argue with me? Just go for a walk. And ifwe do respect each other then we have no business calling each other names.

    I have a good friend for whom “no swearing” falls under this general rubric of respect. I am glad we have never argued with one another because I would find living by that rule to be stifling. Obviously “you are a fucking asshole” is out, see no name calling, supra. But “I am so fucking frustrated with you right now” is a different statement to me than “I am really frustrated with you right now” and sometimes the former is just more accurate.

  6. I’m a pretty forgiving person. I rarely get angry and I hardly ever stay angry. I think that everyone has their issues that makes them act in ways that are very unflattering. We all have weaknesses in our character and I don’t blame people for them. But I am very sensitive to people’s intent. It is very different to me for someone to act out of anger or embarrassment or frustration or desperation versus out of spite or maliciousness. It all comes down to a question of if that person is acting out of good faith or not. Everyone is difficult to deal with sometimes, but that is just not the same as being out to get someone. I guess it’s a question of whether I feel the person is acting immorally or not.

    I don’t know how to explain how I know the difference or even that I always characterize people’s intentions correctly. I just try and understand where they are coming from, even if I can never agree with them.

    The other important thing is that even if someone is acting in a way that’s understandable that doesn’t mean you have to cede your position or continue a relationship with them or not act in your own best interest. I had an ex who was emotionally abusive, but he didn’t mean to be; it was clearly an outgrowth of his upbringing. In my compassion I did try to help him when I should have been looking out for myself, but in then end I had to be like, “Look, I don’t blame you for what has happened to you in your life, but it isn’t my job to fix you.” (I know other people in abusive relationships don’t have the option to get out so easily.) That relationship taught me to temper my understanding nature with a bit more pragmatism.

  7. I have found that a lot of people, my husband mostly included, feel this way about cursing, especially the “FU.” I don’t tend to see cursing as that big a deal, and will sometimes toss of an “FU” or “screw you” when I feel like I or my point is being dismissed without real engagement/attention. But I’ve seen that it’s an issue with my husband, and some of my (female) friends have mentioned it as an issue in their relationship arguments. Maybe it’s because we grew up saying it to each other on occasion, we seem to consider it much less serious of a disrespectful statement than our partners. I think I use it to mean “that comment sounded really unnecessarily dismissive of me” – rather than saying that I’d just say “FU too.”

  8. I have a friend who I think really needs to read those signs of emotional abuse – but my browser crashes every time the page fully loads. Could you please post or email them to me? I would really appreciate it.

  9. While I’m not going to come here and say “I think name-calling is A-OK!” I do think it’s important to remember that sometimes people lose their tempers, and that there is a difference between losing emotional control* and being abusive.

    Having actually been abused, the difference is really stark to me. My abuser didn’t wait until we were in a heated argument to verbally or emotionally abuse me. It’s much, much harder to hear horrible things about yourself spoken in a calm and rational tone of voice, day in, day out, as if they were perfectly ordinary. Believe me.

    *Which, btw, I don’t think is acceptable behavior, by any means. It’s just something that happens to all of us, despite our best intentions. And, yes, when a conversation escalates to that level, that’s generally when I decide I’m not interested in participating anymore.

  10. My abuser didn’t wait until we were in a heated argument to verbally or emotionally abuse me. It’s much, much harder to hear horrible things about yourself spoken in a calm and rational tone of voice, day in, day out, as if they were perfectly ordinary. Believe me.

    Hrm. That’s an interesting distinction because there really is a clear difference between being frustrated and openly demeaning someone. Good point.

  11. Actual conversation from last night. I’m going to bed earlier than he is, so I shout from the bedroom, “Are you gonna come in here and kiss me goodnight, you fucker?”

    Him, entering bedroom: “Sure thing, bitch!”

    I’m cracking up, right? Until:

    Him: Is there anything else you need, you c—-?

    Me: WHOA. No, see, you can’t say that one. You’re lucky I don’t punch you in the balls for that.

    Him: I don’t actually like being called a fucker, either.

    Oh.

    So then I apologized and started thinking–the man had a point, and not only was he right that it’s not funny, he was right that I wasn’t entirely doing it to be funny. What I meant with calling him names was “I’m pissed off that you won’t come in here and kiss me goodnight without my having to ask you.” But if I say that, I’m admitting that I care what he does, and that shows vulnerability on my part, and that makes me uncomfortable, so hey, you fucker!

    But that’s TERRIBLE. When I do things like that I’m basically demanding that he pay the price for my stunted emotional development. It’s not his fault I grew up thinking that shit was normal and it’s not his responsibility to help me break that cycle. Not cool.

    Enough about my horribleness. My three deal-breakers are: (1) Don’t humiliate me in public. Nothing made me rage as a waitress quite like men who’d crack funny, funny “jokes” at their woman’s expense and expect me to laugh along with them. (2) Don’t lie. I figure this covers “don’t cheat,” too, since that’s bound to involve some lying. (3) Don’t get physical. I will either hit you back or call the cops or, hey, maybe it’s your lucky day and I’ll do both.

  12. It’s pretty classic, I guess, but I didn’t even know I was being abused until I was out of the relationship. When I was having a discussion with my mother about the years I spent with this man, it hit both of us at the same time and we both burst out crying. I never in a million years would have thought emotional abuse could be so petrifying and psychologically damaging… But my self-confidence and anxiety issues are still running rampant, even though it’s been a year since I’ve been away from that horrid time in my life.

    Name calling to me is petty, but can really cause damage depending on your relationship with the person you are arguing with. And I agree with another poster – The ‘rational’ non-argument related name calling almost hurts more. I don’t know where I would draw any line, but I think if the disputes or the behavior is continual, that’s a big sign that the line has been crossed from just intense emotions to abuse.

  13. –wait, none of my deal breakers necessarily have to do with arguments, except maybe the don’t-get-physical one.

    Oh, my God. I have no boundaries.

    Wait! I know one that used to get whipped on me that I’m never enduring again: The “I’m objective and rational, you’re subjective and hysterical” tactic. No, no, a thousand times no. Anything’s better than that to me, even name-calling.

  14. “Shut up” is a big one for me.

    And yes, there are unspoken rules of engagement in my relationship. Insults and name calling are just not allowed. The things I hear people say to each other sometimes! You’d never know they even liked each other much less an intimate relationship! I would never want my partner to remember me saying such cruel things to him, and he’s never said such cruel things to me.

    (I think, though, that I’m more sensitive about this than a lot of people, because I took a lot of emotional abuse growing up, from my peers. If I heard anything even close to that coming out of a lover’s mouth today, out of reflex I would run very fast in the opposite direction.)

  15. The “I’m objective and rational, you’re subjective and hysterical” tactic. No, no, a thousand times no. Anything’s better than that to me, even name-calling.

    See, and that’s the one I can probably admit I do. If we ever fight, Ilyka, we’re fucked.

  16. I have idiosyncratic dealbreakers, but I don’t think any of mine are rational or consistent.

    I think my bellwether is, “How much time do I spend obsessing over my frustration with this person?” because that’s a sign that I don’t have a good way to talk about what’s bothering me. Earlier this year, I would wake up at night to have arguments with my dad in my head; now he’s not quitting smoking any longer and I can talk to him.

  17. I like Ilyka’s three rules.

    I’d also add

    4. Treat me with respect. Losing your temper in a heated debate is one thing. Habitually not listening to me, not taking me seriously, arguing in bad faith, etc. do not fly. I especially hate being called a liar when the reality is that we see some totally subjective thing differently.

    5. I also tend to lose interest in arguments that go around in circles or reopen old wounds. Because then it’s not us talking about a subject we are in amicable dispute over, its you wanting to rip me a new one just because you feel pissy.

    Another hate is when the focus goes from discussing a dispute to dissecting the language used. I suppose it could be a sub-rule of either of the above, because having my words dissected smacks of disrespect, and it’s also just a way to keep the argument going when it runs out of steam.

  18. The biggest blowup we’ve had was near the beginning of our relationship. One thing I have to say for him is that he’s really, unbelievably, preternaturally smart, and he has an annoying habit of condescending to people he views as less so. During the argument, I started to get emotional (which is a bad habit of mine), and he started to get condescending. I dropped the subject, gave myself a little bit of time to cool down, and then said (calmly), “If you ever even imply that I’m stupid again, I’m walking out.”

    Never happened again.

    It worked because that’s not a threat I’d made before or have made since. So threats, empty or otherwise, are out. Condescension is out. Name-calling is out.

    Once, during a rather heated discussion, I invited him to suck my dick. (I don’t have one of those.) We both got so tickled that we were able to drop the subject and revisit it when we were both a bit calmer. Now, although it sounds kind of aggressive, that phrase has become kind of a code that things are getting out of hand and we need to step back for a minute.

  19. The ‘rational’ non-argument related name calling almost hurts more.

    Oh, I don’t think it ‘almost’ hurts more. I think it does.

    I can deal with a very occasional “Oh, just fuck off, ok?!” I cannot deal with, “The thing is, Opoponax, I’m a lot smarter than you are…” every day for years on end.

  20. I can’t deal with raised voices, banging hands on tables, slamming doors, wild gesticulation or any of that kind of physical-demonstration-of-anger stuff. It scares me, even if it’s not part of an argument and/or has nothing to do with me – like if someone gets annoyed at an inanimate object and throws it at the floor.

    I’ve explained to my partner that this kind of thing scares me and brings up horrible memories, and he doesn’t do it.

  21. Good topic! I had a relationship end last year because of incompatible debate/argument boundaries. I definitely don’t think either of us was abusing the other, but both of us were deeply uncomfortable with the other’s rhetorical strategies when things got heated. I tend to get snarky, which he interpreted as belittling; he tends to get heated, which I interpreted as furious. And so a conversation about lit crit would inevitably escalate into an argument about arguments. Things would get uglier and uglier.

    We tried to talk about it and adjust to a middle ground, but ultimately, we couldn’t do it. Too many communication differences, too much space between how each of us handles our emotions. It wasn’t a hard boundary like physical violence — one shove or slap and it’s immediately over for me — but it’s definitely something that I will address as soon as it comes up and if it continues, I won’t hang around. Yelling and name-calling were not the norm in my family and I can’t deal with them.

  22. I’m pleased but surprised to see this written on this blog Lauren, so thank you for that. I see lots of name calling on this blog in the com boxes and by the other moderators. Jill has a an entire tag called “assholes” full of a lot of people who have earned their spot simply because they disagree with her or her personal views.

    It’s refreshing though to see that you recognize it; I appreciate your thoughts.

  23. Name-calling is a deal-breaker. I’m also kind of in the middle ground re: swearing: “I’m really fucking frustrated” is different than “you’re a fucking jerk.” Something that has been a great conflict-management tool is being careful not to tell the other person how he/she feels and not to stand for their telling me how I feel. I feel that someone is entitled to say to me, “I’m angry with you” without my saying “well, you shouldn’t be.” It’s related, I think, to what really pushes my buttons: “you’re overreacting” to which my knee-jerk response is, “oh, you have NO idea.” I think it’s important to understand that a person’s emotions aren’t really up for debate; their behavior is. This does not excuse ANY bad behavior, EVER. But people get mad- that’s not what bothers me- their actions, tone of voice, manner, physical presence, etc. are not the same as their saying to me how they feel. But it does mean learning how to say to people, “I’m angry with you for (__)” in a way that’s kind, and learning to listen when people say (kindly) that they are angry.

    My ex used to say “don’t be mad.” I think that was one of the most obnoxious things to say, ever.

  24. Jill has a an entire tag called “assholes” full of a lot of people who have earned their spot simply because they disagree with her or her personal views.

    Ironically, I think I created that tag.

  25. For me what constitutes a deal breaker has everything to do with context. Perhaps its my profession, but the whole idea of boundaries in an interpersonal conflict starts to get fuzzy when you’re used to attending to situations and emotional states rather than actual content. I’ll put up with (and easily manage) all sorts of things when I’m in session with a client that would probably lead to blows if they were said by someone at a party, I’ll forgive things my wife says in anger that I would nurse as grudges for years if they came out of the mouth of a colleague. Really, the only serious deal-breaker for me is physical violence (and even that is negotiable if its coming from a client or a very close friend). Then again, I’m aware that my loose boundaries have a lot to do with the privileges I reap from my size, gender, and institutional power.

    What really interests me is how my rules of engagement change as a conflict progresses. In particular, how my general morals can become highly relative. I have a general set of boundaries for given interpersonal situations, but context can make them do an about face pretty quickly. If I’m in a staffing advocating for a client I don’t really have the option to disengage even if the psychiatrist calls me an idiot to my face; I have to be there. In such a situation I find myself (sometimes unintentionally) using tactics, like emotional manipulation or professional coercion, that I’d feel downright sleazy using elsewhere.

  26. “Shut up.”

    Done.

    This person isn’t interested in having a conversation, but shutting it down, in shutting me down, and it usually works. I told my ex repeatedly not to say that to me. My family never allowed it, I didn’t like it, and whether or not his family members said it to each other all the time, he wasn’t to say it to me.

    He always told me that it was just something he said, there was nothing wrong with it, and that I should just deal with it. It was my problem. That was generally his response whenever I told him I was unhappy about anything.

  27. “Shut up.”

    Done.

    Agree. If you don’t want to hear what I have to say, it’s on you to leave, not on me to quit talking.

  29. For me, it depends on whom I’m arguing with. If it’s someone I care about. If it’s someone I care about, no name calling, for sure. Also, no criticizing someone’s emotional response to a situation while it’s happening. If I’m being irrational or if I’m really upset, having someone tell me “You’re just being irrational” or “You’re just upset” isn’t going to help.
    Another big one: Respect calls for a time out.
    If either of us says that we’re too upset and we need a moment to calm down, then we do that.

  30. One evening I witnessed a friend’s 14yr old son calling her several abusive, disgusting names, taunting her all evening long with slurs specifically targeted towards demeaning her as a woman (douche-mom, bitch-mom, c— mom, spit-mom (like she should be spit on), etc). I sat her down a few days later and expressed to her that while I personally had no idea how to help her, what I could tell her was that it was SHOCKING to me and that NO ONE, IN MY ENTIRE LIFE, HAS EVER EVER EVER SPOKEN TO ME LIKE THAT. She and her daughter often resort to name calling and physical violence too, when they fight. I wanted her to know that while it may be typical for her family to treat each other like that, it doesn’t have to be that way. She is getting some counseling now for various life issues, and I hope she can make progress in this area.

    I have certainly had my share of difficulties with conflict resolution, but I realize now that I have had some fairly healthy boundaries in place simply because I’ve never witnessed that type of gloves-off family-fighting. My family was more likely Not To Talk About It, from which springs its own fountain of conflict-avoidant, unhealthy behaviors. 😉

  31. In terms of blogs, classrooms, discussions with acquaintances: if I don’t think you care what I have to say, I will just walk away from the situation. I have a temper, and an anxiety disorder, and for me that means a heated debate with someone I don’t know or don’t know very well can result in days of obsessive agonizing about whether I was out of line (or how totally out of line the other person was, but mostly the former).

    In terms of my personal relationships, I am working at getting to the point where I will not tolerate name-calling and yelling. I think that too many of us have been in situations where abusive behaviour is so normalized that we don’t recognize it, or we recognize some kinds of abusive behaviour but not others. I grew up in a house where my dad, who is a very big guy, yelled a lot, and I will not tolerate it. On the other hand, I put up with a partner who undermined me in subtle ways on a daily basis, and would periodically get drunk and tell me that I was a fat, ugly, stupid, lazy bitch. It took me a while to recognize it for what it was, and it wasn’t until he yelled at me that I was a fat, ugly, stupid, bitch that I dumped him.

  32. Heh. Are we talking about blogs here? I have different rules for different relationships.

    I was talking about intimate offline relationships.

  33. I feel like calling a public figure an asshole on a blog is a lot different than what we are talking about here.

  34. Heh. Are we talking about blogs here? I have different rules for different relationships.

    Should it matter? Why would we tolerate one behavior in real life and another on line?

  35. “Should it matter? Why would we tolerate one behavior in real life and another on line?”

    To me, it’s the difference between arguing with O’Reilly on his show and being ambushed by his producer or whatever while on vacation. There is a ton of unacceptable online behavior too, but there is a different standard of behavior for discussing the behavior and opinions public figures in public. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with having an ‘asshole’ tag.

  37. This is an interesting topic for me, because I come from a go-for-the-jugular-at-the-first-sign-of-trouble family and am dating a let’s-talk-calmly-about-our-feelings significant other. It’s been… educational.

    I don’t particularly care on the internet, though. On the internet my basic rule is “no threats to take things offline.” That’s the absolute cut-off point for internet decency to me and deserves an instaban anywhere, to my mind.

  38. namecalling is definitely a dealbreaker for me. someone hanging up on me in anger is also a deal-breaker. while it’s not physical, i find that it’s not unlike a slap in the face. (i don’t get into arguments on the phone for that very reason.)

    raising my voice during an argument is definitely when i need to disengage, because i know i’m way too emotional at that point to make rational statements. (unless, of course, i’m talking about politics or feminism…then it’s okay. 😉

    this weekend, i visited a friend and so i was privy to their type of conflict resolution, and while i have no doubt that they love and care about each other, the fact that they were arguing so heatedly about such trivial things (and the fact that many others do the same thing) made me wonder if i was the only sane person, or if i was completely abnormal.

    and if someone ever says “shut up” to me, or calls me a bitch out of anger, is also a deal-breaker. they are both rude and deconstructive, and i won’t stand for either of them in any relationship.

  39. Rule #1: No name-calling.
    Rule #2: No walking out. You can call a time-out and go to another room, but no physically leaving the house.
    And the more recent Rule #3: No fighting in front of the kids. Arguing, fine, but if it’s escalating into a real blowout, it needs to wait until the kids are asleep or otherwise occupied.

  40. I have pretty simple rules 1. Don’t hit me, don’t act like you’re going to hit me, and do not threaten me with violence. Ever. Also, don’t physically corner me or follow me if I do the “I need to calm down before continuing this conversation.” Stuff like that will trigger me and the person doing them will get very seriously hurt or come very close to being hurt.
    2. Try not to yell. Raised voice in passionate argument fine-yelling to try to intimidate me will not fly.
    3. Define your terms- so many arguments I have with my partner start and continue because we think the we each mean something other than we really mean.
    4. Let each other finish speaking.

    I guess my rules pretty much boil down to don’t be an asshole and make your meaning clear.

  41. Growing up, my mother never let swearing in the house. “Shut up” was simply not allowed no matter what (unless no one could hear). “Stupid” was definitely out. Once I was extremely sick and in pain due to a flu and apologized to her before saying “fucking hell” because of stomach cramps. That was when I was 19.

    Having grown up not saying those things, I would not allow them in a parent-child relationship. That being said, other people have to earn their way up to say “shut up” or “stupid” to me. I.e. I will only accept that being said by certain people and never in a spiteful way. My closest friend for 10 years is the only one who I will allow to say “bitch” to me, and never in a mean way.

    Interestingly, for me, the way I know I’m completely comfortable talking with someone is if I can casually say “shut up” to them in a slight sarcastic, joking tone. I also expect it back, but never, ever in a way intended to be cruel or to shut me down.

  42. A rule that I am just recently realizing I need: no Devil’s Advocate. I have several friends who do this, who actually CHANGE their positions in an argument to oppose my own, even if they sincerely agree with me. This, to me, defeats the entire point of the discussion in the first place. If one person is being sincere and the other isn’t, then it isn’t a real discussion/argument.

  43. I’m also grateful that my immediate and extended family had pretty decent unwritten rules about arguing respectfully. Shut up, name calling and insults were not allowed in arguments. Neither was contempt or condescention (though we tried). I think that experience has helped me get out of a couple potentially abusive relationships early, because I bailed when I saw the signs I didn’t like.

    I generally assume people’s intentions are good. Therefore I do not care about them so much. I care much more about behavior. I’ve said “Then get your behavior in line with your intent because you are behavior sucks.”

  44. I think the question of in person/online brings up something really interesting–a lot of the “rules” we’ve come up with in this thread (most of them, presumably, for arguments with friends & loved ones, or at least people face-to-face) would fall under speech policing in an online context.

    And online, I think a lot of people have raised really valid concerns about that kind of behavior. I’m thinking in particular of bloggers like Renee, who are often admonished for language on their own blogs.

    Online I don’t feel comfortable telling people about the kinds of terms they’re “allowed” to use in their own spaces (with the possible exception of slurs, although of course we don’t all agree on what qualifies as such), but in face-to-face interactions space feels more shared, and should feel safe for all parties.

  45. I guess I come from a completely different angle than all you people. I have at least one friendship where on a daily basis I deliberately try to annoy her and she hits me. There’s another where several acquaintances are convinced we’re mortal enemies by the venom of our arguments. But the essential point, I think, is that for both of them we really do genuinely respect and like each other. Even when we, oh, greet each other with a chokehold or call each other bitches, we’re still friends. It’s more play-fighting than anything else. The farthest thing from our minds is the actual idea of hurting each other–as witnessed the few times she struck a nerve in our arguments, she noticed immediately and was apologizing for fifteen minutes.

    I kind of have a problem with the idea of permanent rules. I will not tolerate people who don’t respect me or my thoughts, and I try to be respectful of others’ boundaries. But so much depends on the context of a relationship. “Stupid” can mean “It’s funny you forgot where your car keys are” or it can be incredibly demeaning. It’s all context.

  47. “Shut up,” name-calling and cursing. The minute the four-letter words start flying is when I’m done. Yelling too.

    I diffuse situations during arguments by touching my Spousal Unit. His leg, his arm — he’ll reach out and rub my head. That always cools things down.

  48. I would disagree with uccellina’s rule of no walking out. In the few serious arguments I’ve had with my boyfriend, that time apart (maybe an hour where I’ll go get dinner at the Chinese restaurant down the street) has been really helpful in calming things down. I guess things might be different if we lived in a big house, but just going into the adjacent room of our little apartment (where we can still hear each other) doesn’t give us enough quiet time to sort out what we really want to say to each other.

  49. any hint of condescension is a deal breaker. my last ex oozed it, and it was maddening. you can’t argue with someone who is constantly treating you like a moron. I also can’t handle name-calling. I have occasionally used “you’re really acting like a [jerk, usually]” which I feel criticizes the behavior, not the person. But even that is hurtful, and the thought of a significant other telling me I’m “acting like a bitch” is too much. Since my last relationship was emotionally abusive, I don’t really know what my argument faults are. I felt like I was always on damage control and trying not to anger him.

  50. Essentialism, name-calling, other privilege displays, taking advantage of one’s power over the other participant… I’m actually still trying to figure out the specifics. Good topic, Lauren.

  51. Interesting post! I never really thought about my “rules of engagement”, though I know I have them. I grew up in an emotionally and physically abusive environment, and was married to an emotionally and physically abusive man. So yeah, there are certain things that trigger me, that…once a person has crossed that line…..I may not be able to avoid dealing with that person again, but I’ll never trust that person again. Period.

    One thing that living like that—experiencing frequent attacks on my human dignity and not being able to extricate my self from that—for the first 25 years of my life—has taught me, is how to hide, bury, and sublimate my own feelings. As a young child, I learned that anger was a respected emotion, whereas grief, fear, sadness—were not. Those were signs of weakness. Showing weakness meant attracting further, more vicious, victimization. As a result, I have a hard time recognizing when I’m sad, afraid, or grieving, whatever….because all of that gets sublimated/translated into anger for me.

    When I get heated in an argument, it is essential for me to be able to leave—to have physical space. It is also essential for me to be able to be silent. One of the ways my abusers showed their power and contempt was to deprive me of my physical space—-being right up on top of me, nose-to-nose (or nose to ear), screaming w/spittle and all that. Can’t handle it. That’s a deal breaker. If you move up on me in an argument, I instinctively get ready for the physical fight. Silence is more for me—it’s how I convince myself I’m still a human being by not behaving in that manner—and sometimes, the only way I can do that is to not get started. Because I learned another thing along the way—–once a fight is under way, once it has escalated to a certain degree, fighting back with the same (or more) force is the only thing that de-escalates it. The de-escalation has to stop before it gets to that point, if it isn’t just going to be bone-ugly.

    And some people don’t get that. Walking away from a fight is a good thing. It’s not a show of disrespect—if I’ve walked away from you in an argument, it’s because I do respect you and I value our relationship. Not having my get-away space is very triggering, and I’m putting this out there so that people who haven’t experienced that kind of environment can see where some of us are coming from. I can understand why some folks can see that as disrespect, but please understand it isn’t always that way.

    Respect is very important to me. If I could sum up my rules of engagement with one word, it’s respect. I have to feel that you respect me, if not, I won’t deal with you if I have a choice. If I don’t have a choice, I will be cold, “professional”, and curt. And mostly silent. Otherwise, it just feels like opening myself up to more abuse and mistreatment. This world is hard enough; I don’t feel like I should have to encourage or enable my own mistreatment.

    Online vs. in-person feels like entirely different worlds to me, because all the essential nonverbal communication is missing from online interaction. Words cannot duplicate it.

    One more thing—-I also loathe the snide, superior, “I’m better than you” attitude that other have mentioned. But even more than that, I hate the “you’re too emotional” tag—-what that says to me is, “Aha! I got you! I got a reaction out of you, and now I’m going to convince you to pipe down and take it—take everything I have to dish out—because if you don’t, you’re “too emotional”, and if you do, I got you to willingly submit to my disrespect. I win either way! Checkmate!” Fuck that. Emotions are not a bad thing, and as others have mentioned, manipulative people make a science out of triggering emotional reactions out of others.

    If your fight-or-flight response is triggered, there’s probably a damn good reason for it. Don’t let anyone convince you that you’re “too emotional”—protecting yourself (whether physically or emotionally) is a good thing, and not a sign of “immaturity” or “emotionalism”. And don’t think they aren’t just as emotional with their quiet voices, calmly (or even “humorously”) telling you what a worthless piece of crap you are. That’s emotional too, even if it isn’t admitted as such.

  52. This is something I’ve been dealing with a lot lately in arguments with my ex-husband about the way he’s handling custody with my son, and he is a massive offender in the “I’m so rational and you’re so stupid” department. I cannot think of anything that fills me with more rage than being treated as if my being emotional about a topic – like, say, not being able to talk to my goddamn son – means that my position is wrong. I certainly think it is possible to become emotional enough that you lose your objectivity; however, having an emotional response is not an automatic disqualifier.

    Others:

    Name-calling – the same ex, who was emotionally abusive (it was mutual; his was rooted in misogyny and mine was rooted in response, and it was not intentional on either part, I think), was constantly calling me fat and other things, which echoed the names another ex (who was abusive both physically and emotionally) would call me. Right out. You can attack my thoughts, my logic, whatever, but there is absolutely no need to attack my body or my identity, period.

    Shut Up and Stupid – that has never been acceptable to me and never will be. Teasing, okay, but even then I have a two-year-old who is picking up rapidly on words, and those two are far, far worse to me than any profanity. They show that you have less than no interest in what the other person is saying by demeaning their intelligence, and I will have nothing to do with that.

    Interestingly enough, profanity is not a disqualifier with me unless it falls into one of the above categories. Emphatic language is not necessarily abusive, unless you have communicated to someone that you feel abused when it is utilized.

    I have to feel as if I can get away if things get heated, because, when I get heated, I get extremely heated, and, like an earlier poster said, if I walk away like that (I will warn you), I value the relationship enough not to want to completely fuck it up just because you’ve hacked me off once. I was not able to get physical distance from an abuser, and I’m pretty sure this tendency of mine stems from that as well, even though I’ve never really thought it through that hard.

    I’ve been dealing with several of these things lately in this custody agreement and it’s been making it hard not to walk around angry all of the time because this shit is why I fucking got divorced in the first place, so why the hell do I have to deal with it now?! So, yeah.

    Online I have very vague lines that differ on varying occasions, and I consider it my prerogative to shut down communication whenever I feel like it, because it’s just the internet (if I don’t know you outside of that).

  53. No violence, no threats of violence, no ‘playful’ stuff like knocking a book out of my hands, groping me cuz you want sex right now, and whatever I’m doing is obviously less important than scratching your itch…

    And if I find myself w/ someone who must! finish! all! arguments! NOW!!!eleventy!11!!, that’s an instant deal breaker. IME, people who suscribe to this method of arguing are hoping to browbeat/wear down/shame the other person into giving in. Also, they’re hoping that an artificial sense of urgency will distract from the glaring holes in their logic and that their real argument is, “MEMEME! It’s all about me and my pwecious widdow feefees! Who cares what you want? MEEE!” (bonus points if they actually lay down on the floor kicking and screaming like a thwarted toddler).

  54. I am not okay with loud expressions of being upset. I am extraordinarily twitchy about such things, and so do not date those who have a habit of expressing themselves that way.

    If I never, ever, ever again date someone who thinks calm == smarter or better than me, it will be too goddamn soon. Good unholy christ. “You’re being too emotional.” Which clearly means I fail at having a discussion, and so everything I say can be dismissed, because they won at being calmer than me. *spits*

    And Laura at 42 reminds me – I will also never date a devil’s advocate again. “I’m just fleshing out the discussion!” It’s nonconsensual, you ass. Did you say you were going to do it? No? So I’m arguing sincerely and you’re arguing to get your rhetoric rocks off? Piss off up a tree.

    A twitch of mine is someone walking away from the conversation and not telling me. I cannot stand someone just leaving the conversation. If my partner needs to leave and take a breather, then tell me, and it’s fine, but just walking off – worse, walking out of the building or something – is wretched. They are not respecting me or the conversation, and it triggers all sorts of abandonment things. This may have gotten better, but I wouldn’t know, since I don’t date such folk any more.

  56. Maybe this is an aspie thing, I don’t know, but I am so grateful that my partner is not a fighter. Neither am I. We negotiate, occasionally have disagreements, but it never gets heated. Big contrast to my marriage; my XH loved an argument, and I always felt like I was living out the Argument Clinic sketch. Very exhausting.

    If you yell at me, I will probably shut down. I just can’t carry on any kind of halfway reasonable and intelligent discussion at high volume. If you want to yell about me…fine. Go off somewhere and have a tantrum, then come back and we’ll talk.

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