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Faking that vacuum-fresh seal

Jill

I’m not really sure what to say about this, other than if he wants to re-live you losing your virginity in all of its blood-oozing glory, or if you have to fake losing it to please him, dump the motherfucker already:

A reader tipped us off to the “Artificial Virginity Hymen”, which the company, Gigimo, claims “will expand a little and make you feel tight.” The hymen also includes a packet that is activated during sex, which will “ooze out a liquid that look like blood not too much but just the right amount.” As if that wasn’t horrifying enough, the company claims, “Add in a few moans and groans, you will pass through undetectable.”

Unfortunately for us ladies, the “artificial virginity hymen” doesn’t come with an “artificial virginity penis” that jackhammers for 22 seconds before shrivelling and passing out next to you in the backseat of his parents’ car.

I’ll also add that, sad as it is, a fake hymen could be potentially helpful to women who face serious consequences for not appearing to be virgins on their wedding nights. And at least it’s less invasive than hymen surgery. (Typing that sentence makes me want to cry and/or break something).

15 thoughts on Faking that vacuum-fresh seal

  1. Unfortunately for us ladies, the “artificial virginity hymen” doesn’t come with an “artificial virginity penis” that jackhammers for 22 seconds before shrivelling and passing out next to you in the backseat of his parents’ car.

    Thanks, Jill. Now I have coffee all over my keyboard.

  2. Me too.
    As grotesque as it sounds, a device like this is better than actually hurting someone, if you absolutely have to provide sickos with a gruesome spectacle or else bring “dishonor” on your whole family and lose your life. (I wonder if this whole mess came about as a very misguided revenge for circumcision?)
    A lot of people in this country like to feel superior to the people in those countries where barbarisms like that prevail. But so many here still tell the young girls that they might bleed and/or hurt, without telling them how to make sure they won’t. THey say it doesn’t “mean” anything, but I say it means that someone is ignoring a safety issue, when they leave out that preventative info.
    Anyway, a gadget like this is fine if it saves a few lives. But it sure isn’t all the story. When some of those culturally sanctioned blood-and-gore fetishists get wise to this, another method must be devised to fool them. I just hope we don’t run out of methods before those horrendous myths of “honor”, or their perpetrators, are finally exploded.
    A bit of a tangent–when I read about purity balls, etc., I get the feeling that this virginity deal consists of making a person do an idea’s job–can’t express it much better–making a person be a symbol of somehting they did not choose–and that just isn’t going to work.
    Thanks for kicking this out into the daylight. I’m always happy to stomp on it.

  3. Unfortunately for us ladies, the “artificial virginity hymen” doesn’t come with an “artificial virginity penis” that jackhammers for 22 seconds before shrivelling and passing out next to you in the backseat of his parents’ car.

    HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. *deep breath* HAHAHAHAHAHA.

    Oh thanks Jill. I needed that humor break. Especially when that humor is used as a way to point out the absurdity of so high-prizing virginity, and the outrageously sexist double-standard at play here.

  4. My first reaction to the story was “hey, sad that it’s necessary, but if it’ll save a life I suppose it’s better on the market than off.” Then I poked around the website out of morbid curiosity and found out that this “artificial hymen” is being marketed by a dildo shop in the west. WTF? Why is the whole virginity thing so important to so many guys? It pretty much guarantees a shitty time for all parties involved. I’ve never understood it. I mean, can someone really be so homophobic that they’re willing to trade sexual experience and proficiency for the secure knowledge that their dick is the only dick to have ever made the journey? Really? Humanity is so fucking disappointing some days.

  5. “A lot of people in this country like to feel superior to the people in those countries where barbarisms like that prevail”

    LOLOLOL

    “feel superior to…”

    “But I’ll call ’em barbarians!”

    Yeah. Irony!

  6. “Why is the whole virginity thing so important to so many guys?”

    Weird isn’t it? Their optimal sexual experience is with someone who is often nervous, uncomfortable, sometimes in pain, and most likely not going to orgasm.

    Creepy.

  8. It’s a sad world where such a product could even be imagined, let alone find a market.

    However, it did give me inspiration for another possible product, to cater for a particular sexual fetish that some men (and some women too) enjoy:

    What about the “artificial menstruation”…?

  9. Unfortunately for us ladies, the “artificial virginity hymen” doesn’t come with an “artificial virginity penis” that jackhammers for 22 seconds before shrivelling and passing out next to you in the backseat of his parents’ car.

    Absolutely BRILLIANT, thank you for this. The worst sex I ever had was with a guy who was a virgin, but refused to admit it, plus, I wasn’t confident enough back then saying “no, you do it like THIS!”

    The other thing, though, is that a lot of people don’t actually do the blood-and-gore bit; I didn’t, because I waited until I actually wanted to have sex, and I was properly turned on. This worries me a little, I have to say – what if the guy’d taken that to mean I wasn’t a virgin, and had taken offence for whatever reason? Especially since I kinda enjoyed it… 😀

  10. Pingback: Proper Talks » Blog Archive » Artifical Virgins

  11. The “me too” in my original reply refers not to the coffee on Fashionably Evil’s keyboard, but to Jill’s wanting to cry and.or break stuff. As for barbarism, I think that applies equally to people “over there” who kill their young for “honor” if they don’t bleed, and people right here who fail to help their daughters prepare so they won’t bleed–while feeling superior to the people “over there” and otherwise patting themselves on the back for being so progressive, sex-positive, pro-feminist etc. etc. I sure don’t feel like laughing.

  12. “jackhammers for 22 seconds before shrivelling and passing out next to you in the backseat of his parents’ car”

    That was your first time? Jeez, no wonder you hate men. (I have a <a href=”http://www.feministe.us/blog/archives/2009/01/13/feministes-next-top-troll-season-3/”contest to win, dammit.)

    “But so many here still tell the young girls that they might bleed and/or hurt, without telling them how to make sure they won’t.”

    As long as I’m here, how would one make sure? I’d always assumed it was random chance.

  14. “But so many here still tell the young girls that they might bleed and/or hurt, without telling them how to make sure they won’t.”

    First, I agree with you, Angiportus, that girls need to be better educated on how to take care of themselves when they want to engage in intercourse. But your statement makes it sound like you think the whole first-time blood/pain thing can be prevented in all women (please correct me if this wasn’t your intended implication).

    The first time I had sex, I was properly lubricated, we took it very slow, and every time I made any indication that I wanted to stop and wait for a while, we did. But it still hurt. And that was ok in my eyes, since this was something I wanted to do, something I was informed might happen, and something I was prepared to minimize through lubricant and other techniques.

    Not all women have enough of a hymen to cause any pain or bleeding. But please recognize that some of us do. I’ve even known women who had to have minor medical procedures done to sever the hymen because the span of their hymen was preventing them from removing a tampon without immense amounts of pain.

    I suppose what it amounts to is that some women are exposed to largely unavoidable pain when it comes to first intercourse, menstruation, and so on. While I am happy that you celebrate your sexuality and protect yourself, please don’t blame me (or my partner) for not doing things right if there’s a chance that there was nothing more I could do.

  15. I am not blaming you, Antonia. I am blaming a system where parents and teachers and doctors set young girls up to be injured. A proper examination, as well as telling the young how to examine themselves, would reveal beforehand if there was some malformation that needed fixing before internal pleasure was attempted. At least it’s better than leaving it up to chance (and then pretending to be better than those who require mutilation as proof of honor.)

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