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Feministe Feedback: For a feminist starting over

Jill

A reader writes in:

Hi Feministe – I am an avid reader of your blog, but I’m not sure where to direct this question. My mother, who is in her early 50s, recently ended an abusive 20+ year marriage. In an attempt to get back on her feet again, she has been reading many self-help books for women. When I look at the literature she has chosen, I cringe. I can find nothing in this material that conveys a truly empowering, feminist message. I want to provide her with alternatives, because I’m afraid this literature (ie, Dr. Phil and company) will only serve to perpetuate cycles of abuse.

I know that you’re not a “Q and A” site, but I would love a response from an honest, trusted source.

Suggestions?

And as a reminder, you can send your Feministe Feedback questions to feministe -at- gmail -dot- com.

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14 thoughts on Feministe Feedback: For a feminist starting over

  1. several (not just recovery, but maybe some explanation for your mom):
    Lundy Bancroft. “Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men.” (2003, using in a Family Violence seminar in grad program)
    Cynthia James. “What Will Set You Free.” (2007)
    Patricia Evans. “The Verbally Abusive Relationship: How to Recognize It and How to Respond.” (2003)
    Beverly Engel. “Encouragement for the Emotionally Abused Woman: Wisdom and Hope for Women at Any Stage of Emotional Abuse Recovery.” (1994)
    Velva B. Holt. “We Suffered in Silence.” (2008, appropriate if your mother is of the christian faith)

    the mom of one of my best friends just left her abuser in August. she still isn’t ready to confront how she had suffered, and so we’ve had this list prepared for awhile!

  2. I am going to second the above comment with Lundy Bancroft’s “Why Does He Do That?” It is an amazing book that I have read myself and have recommended to women whom I’ve known either ending or planning to end an abusive relationship, especially an abusive marriage. I used to go to group meetings with a friend of mine for moral support for women in abusive relationships and they all spoke of that book like it was their bible!

    I also recommend “Women, Sex and Addiction” by Charlotte Kasl. I have this book on my bookshelf, haven’t read it yet but it has been recommended by several women I know and it is all about finding power. I’ve also been told that while the book’s title is a little off, especially considering it’s about finding power within yourself, the worst part of this book is the title and shouldn’t reflect what this book can do for your life.

    Hope this helps!

  3. While I never got hit when I was married, plenty of other behavior I suffered was certainly in the abuse neighborhood. Reading Gavin de Becker’s The Gift of Fear helped me understand that my intuition HAD been right, that I HAD been in a bad situation, even if I couldn’t connect the dots until I left. This might not be the appropriate book for her in her situation–some of the things he says about abuse victims are controversial–so I suggest you check it out first. But he did help me learn to recognize the inner signals I hadn’t known to trust, and that learning to trust myself again was powerful medicine.

  4. Thanks for this. My younger sister is back again with the man who beat her to a bloody pulp and tying her up in a closet. He was released from PRISON this past October (he was actually IN prison for beating her!), and less than a month later she was back in his arms. Sad thing is that she had his baby.

    I will be writing these suggestions down and perhaps buying a few books for her. The one thing I’m afraid of is that she will see the titles, roll her eyes, and ignore them. Sigh.

  5. Having not read it in many years (which probably predates my liberal mindset) I can’t say for SURE that it’s totally a feminist book, but it does a lot for empowering divorced women, especially those who were in long-term marriages.

    It’s called “Cutting Loose” by Ashton Applewhite…

  6. i also suggest that you contact a local women’s shelter or similar organization. not only will they have lots of suggestions as to books, but they tend to have smaller pamphlets and such that are easier to get through and make getting the message easy, and they probably have lots of people who will reinforce those messages easily. also should have lists of GOOD counselors.

  7. I really like bell hooks’ “Communion: The Female Search for Love”. The tone is a little matronly for me (at age 26), but it reads like a self-help book with a strong shot of feminism. Also it’s really for middle-aged women who’ve already experienced difficult or abusive relationships. Hope it helps.

  8. Try the book “Women and Self-Esteem: Understanding and Improving the Way We Think and Feel About Ourselves” by Linda Tschirhart Sanford & Mary Ellen Donovan. It’s touchy-feely enough to suck her in as a bridge from the Dr. Phil-type stuff.

  9. I’m going to recommend “Self Esteem” by Matthew Mckay. It’s not specifically geared towards women, but it’s the most comprehensive and effective self-help book on the subject that I’ve seen so far.

    Good for your mother for leaving the relationship, and good luck to you both.

  11. I like a different bell hooks book (I haven’t read Communion) called All About Love. It’s clear hooks has actually read a lot of self-help books and is responding to them from a feminist perspective.

  12. My fave feminist self help book is probably “Too Good for her own Good: Searching for self and intimacy in important relationships” by Claudia Bepko and Jo-Ann Krestan. I used to co lead empowerment groups based on this book, sort of a feminism 101 with a focus on women’s lives… good stuff! Harriet Lerner’s “The Dance of” series of books have always been good. They are not explicitly feminist, and I haven’t red them thoroughly, but on perusal I also liked “Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men” by Lundy Bancroft and “Getting free” by Ginny Nicarthy.

  13. I would like to second the recommendation of “The Gift of Fear” by Gavin DeBecker. Many important lessons here… this is one all women should read, whether they have been abused or not.

  14. I recommend: The Beauty Myth by Naomi Wolf. It will make her think differently, make her angry (in somewhat of a good way), and make her feel better all at the same time.

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