August 2006 – Page 14

Postcards from Sarajevo

Checking in yet again. I left Belgrade the day before yesterday and took a 6am bus to Sarajevo, after staying up all night enjoying the Belgrade nightlife (because if you’re going to leave at 6am, what’s the point in going to sleep?). Spent the day in Sarajevo, which was incredible — I wish I had more time to explore it, because it’s absolutely beautiful. I’ll post pictures soon (I know I keep saying that, but I think I finally found a computer fast enough to upload them in a reasonable amount of time). Then I took an overnight bus to Zagreb (Croatia), which is where I am now.

Ahem

Looking back on my last few posts, I think it’s time to blog about something other than bodily functions before somebody thinks this blog has been hijacked by a twelve year old boy. Tomorrow, tomorrow.

If I’m not careful I’ll be attending a fart bloggers convention next year.

Chanel No. 2

This post should probably be filed under “Indiana” but I’m not creating a whole new category for one weird story.

Sometime after midnight tonight, the Chef goes to the liquor store to purchase some wine. As he approaches the liquor store he realizes there aren’t any parking spaces because all of the parking spots are occupied by a number of BMX bicycles. He parks around the corner and tries to walk inside, but is blocked by several grade schoolers who are peering inside the front door.

He wades through the mess of kids and is met with an eyeroll by the clerk, who is trapped in a conversation with two gentlemen at the counter. Gentleman number one is shirtless, heavily tattooed, and sports a rockin’ mullet. Gentleman number two is a big guy, wearing shorts and a t-shirt that are both too small, exposing a vast sea of beer belly. Chef grabs his wine and returns to the counter to pay. Gentleman number one waves Chef to the front of the line, insisting that he ain’t done shopping fer liquor yet. Chef puts the wine on the counter and G2 picks up a bottle.

“What’s the alcohol content on this?” he asks, reading the label.

Chef, being a chef, answers, “Well, it really isn’t about getting drunk, it’s about pairing it with food and appreciating the flavor.”

“This shit is for pussies,” G2 says, and places the bottle back on the counter. “You ever had Chinese food?”

“Huh?”

Gentleman number two lifts a leg and lets go a long, lingering fart. “Well that’s what it smells like. And if you stick around long enough you’ll know what it tastes like, too.” G2 wanders back toward the beer coolers chuckling about his excellent joke.

Chef finishes paying for the wine and goes back to his car, just in time to see G1 and G2 riding off into the shadows on their BMX bicycles, gradeschoolers following at a respectful distance, with brown papers bags tucked under their arms.

Life is good.

Dear Yuppie Elementary School,

This is the beginning of my son’s second year at your school, and thus the second year that I receive a weekly mailer at my home. However, I do believe that you got my address mixed up with someone else.

I am not and have never been married, and no, I do not share my son’s surname. This is because I am a slutbag ho mom and had my son outside of marriage. I can assure you that not all parents are married and/or share the name of their children, thus your mailer is rather assumptive and a little offensive. Telling, really, of your values.

I remember my education classes in college (which have really paid off, let me tell you) instructed that school officials take great care to know their students and their families if at all possible, including taking into account one’s students’ living arrangements. This is important on at least two levels, both educational and interpersonal, and considering that my son’s immediate and extended family are very involved in his education and attend every meeting and function possible, I would hope that somebody has by now spotted the slutbag ho mom and made the proper notations, especially since she has made this very request in your main office on several occasions.

If you insist on addressing mail with the occupant’s name, instead of To the Parents Of, I suggest you ensure that the name you put on the envelope is correct. I do realize that the property values in your school district make it very difficult for one-income, single head-of-household families to afford property in your district, so consider me an enigma wrapped in an anomaly and address my mail to me.

My name is Lauren Bruce. There is no Mr. and Mrs. **** **** who live here, and there never was and never will be.

Thank you for your time.

Organization Holds Masturbate-a-Thon; Hundreds Expected to Come

At least that’s the headline I would have written:

LONDON (Reuters) – Hundreds of Britons are being urged to attend what is being branded as Europe’s first “Masturbate-a-thon”, a leading reproductive healthcare charity said on Friday.

Marie Stopes International, which is hosting the event with
HIV/AIDS charity the Terrence Higgins Trust, said it expected up to 200 people to attend the sponsored masturbation session in Clerkenwell, central London, on Saturday.

“It is a bit of a publicity stunt but we hope it will raise awareness,” a Marie Stopes spokeswoman told Reuters.

“We want to get people talking about safer sex, masturbation and to lift taboos.”

Help me out here, Brits: does that “No sex please, we’re British” thing still apply? I mean on a personal level — I see enough programming on BBC America to know that it’s not taboo to talk about sex in the public sphere. Certainly on this side of the pond, we have a schizoid attitude about sex, and god forbid anyone should discuss masturbation seriously — look what happened to Joycelyn Elders* when she answered in the affirmative when asked if masturbation should be taught as a way for kids to deal with sexual urges safely.

Back to the masturbate-a-thon; since this is, after all, a fundraiser, there are some rules:

Participants, who have to be over 18, can bring any aids they need and can take part in four different rooms — a comfort area, a mixed area, along with men and women only areas.

However, the rules on the event’s Web site states there can be no touching of other participants nor are people allowed to fake orgasms.

“The amount you raise will be determined by how many minutes you masturbate and/or how many orgasms you achieve,” the Web site said.

Hmm. I wonder who’s going to be verifying this?

And this is why Europe’s godbags are less annoying than America’s godbags:

The Marie Stopes spokeswoman said local religious groups had been initially outraged, but after people had heard what the event was about, most had approved it.

H/T: That Girl, in comments. Good one!

_____
* Wikipedia gives some quotes from her; here is my favorite: “We must stop this love affair with the fetus.”

The Heavens Open, The Angels Sing

Can’t believe what a difference a new bra makes.

Can’t believe how thoroughly shot my old one was, either.

What makes you feel surprisingly good?

If Doug Was a Guard Cat

Dog Bites King’s Bear:

A guard dog has ripped apart a collection of rare teddy bears, including one once owned by Elvis Presley, during a rampage at a children’s museum.

“He just went berserk,” said Daniel Medley, general manager of the Wookey Hole Caves near Wells, England, where hundreds of bears were chewed up Tuesday night by the 6-year-old Doberman pinscher named Barney.

Barney ripped the head off a brown stuffed bear once owned by the young Presley during the attack, leaving fluffy stuffing and bits of bears’ limbs and heads on the museum floor.

See Barney the bear killer look awkward here.

Don’t look at my laundry, look at Pablo’s long whiskers.

Pablo may hate the blue ball, but Doug really hates the blue ball. Doug sits on his orange chair and plots the death of the blue ball and Elvis’s baby binky.

[story via Cinnamon]

What Roe Should Have Said

Professor Lemieux is working on a series of posts discussing Jack Balkin’s book, What Roe Should Have Said. This is Scott’s area of expertise, so he really knows his stuff.

Part I, in which he discusses Canada’s landmark abortion case, R v. Morgentaler, in which, Scott argues, the Supreme Court of Canada did a better job using American precedent than Justice Blackmun did in Roe.

Part II, in which he argues that a woman’s right to make reproductive decisions does not change during the course of her pregnancy (or in regard to whether she is pregnant or not); what changes is the state’s interest in those decisions.

Go. Read.

This Is Why Elizabeth Hasselbeck’s Little Meltdown Matters

I had some good fun snickering at Elizabeth Hasselbeck’s little hissyfit on The View about Plan B, where she ranted about how immoral it was and Barbara Walters had to remind her to listen to other people and be calm.

And there were some people (not just here) who questioned whether she’d actually said “life begins at penetration” (she didn’t, but it was a fair characterization of her argument) and whether we weren’t being a little too hard on her. And, after all, does it matter? It’s just a silly TV show.

But here’s why her rant matters: she’s spreading misinformation and lies to a national TV audience that’s already sadly ignorant about the way Plan B (and their bodies) work:

Some depressing results of a survey of women’s knowledge about emergency contraception:
* Only one in five women knows about EC.
* One-third of those women confuse Plan B with RU-486, the abortion pill.
* Less than 8 percent of women really understand how EC works and when it should be used.

It’s no wonder women are confusing Plan B with RU-486. It’s something that reporters and researchers certainly have a hard time getting right.

For the record…
Plan B can be taken up to 72 hours after sex, and works by preventing pregnancy. If a woman who takes Plan B is already pregnant, it does not cause an abortion.
Mifeprex (RU-486) is taken between 3 and 10 weeks after a woman is confirmed to be pregnant, and causes an abortion.

If women don’t know these things, I wonder how clueless most men are?

The research also contained some insight into women’s opinions about Plan B:
* 76% think EC will reduce the number of unplanned pregnancies
* 21% think EC is immoral
* 44% think it will increase unprotected sex

Sigh.

The reason I say that Gawker’s characterization of Hasselbeck’s arguments as “life begins at penetration” (or, as Amanda puts it, “Sperm Magic”) is fair is that, in order for her to maintain that Plan B is an abortifacient and thus immoral, she has to either be mistaken about the way conception/fertilization/pregnancy actually work and thus is ignorantly arguing that conception occurs instantaneously (and thus Plan B acts as an abortifacient) — or else she knows damn well that it doesn’t work that way and she’s deliberately eliding Plan B and RU-486 to create the impression that they do the same thing.

I’m going to guess it’s the former, because she’s no doctor or pharmacist — and there are plenty of doctors and pharmacists who do the latter even though they should know better.

It matters because there’s a war on contraception being waged right now, and it depends on the kind of misinformation generated by those doctors and pharmacists (and crisis pregnancy centers) and spread by useful tools like Elizabeth Hasselbeck, who has a TV show that reaches millions of women every day. And not all of them are the kind of lunatic who thinks that Planned Parenthood promotes bestiality. Many are simply uninformed about the way their bodies work. They know they don’t want to have unwanted pregnancies, but maybe they don’t feel so comfortable with the idea that they might be aborting a pregnancy.

And let’s also not forget that Plan B is really no more than a high-dose version of standard oral contraceptives. If we allow the lie that Plan B is an abortifacient to spread and to take hold in the mind of the public, we will find ourselves having to defend oral contraceptives from open attack. Do we really want that?

ETA: Page Rockwell at Salon has more.

Friday Random Ten – The “It Might Be Cliche, But TGIF” Edition

I’m still suffering from flu/jet lag. But rejoice! Remember I have a very rude and probably NSFW post at The Rude Pundit today, so don’t accuse me of slacking.

1) American Analog Set – Punk as Fuck
2) The Roots – Act Too…The Love Of My Life
3) Peaches – Lovertits
4) Andrew Bird – A Nervous Tic Motion of the Head to the Left
5) Butthole Surfers – Moving to Florida
6) Cat Power – Could We
7) The Blasters – Common Man
8) RZA – A Day To God Is 1000 Years
9) Nina Simone – Since I Fell For You
10) Roxy Music – Virginia Plain