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There Once Was a Girl From Nantucket

Lauren

In honor of National Poetry Month, I will PayPal five dollars to the first person that can turn this post into a limerick using the words “rectify” and “analysis.” AND, you have to make me laugh out loud.

Not much of a challenge, or pay-off, but I’m feeling generous.

19 thoughts on There Once Was a Girl From Nantucket

  1. I’ve got such a headache that I can barely recall my name so this is way too much of a challenge for me, but I am looking forward to reading the entries.

  2. (Be gentle. Limericks are a weakness that I thought I had overcome years ago… -Brent)

    A girl named Darlene was a-thinkin’
    that her little brown eye was a-stinkin’
    and entirely too dark
    (for the most part)
    and nobody could see it a-winkin’

    To rectify the difficult quandary
    she quickly moved into the laundry
    after careful analysis
    she discarded dialysis
    and splashed a little bleach on her boundary

    She screamed and she thought that she might
    die of pain (or possibly fright)
    but when her blisters were clearer
    she checked in the mirror
    and her asshole was bright pearly-white.

    Now that Darlene has aquired
    the bleached little ass she desired
    she sits on the pot
    all day – but for naught
    her excretory function expired

  3. there once was a girl from Nantucket
    who plopped her ass down in a bucket
    full of bleach, seeking to rectify
    the color & tone of her little brown eye
    though after some deeper analysis, she said “fuck it!”

  4. There once was a girl from Perth
    Who had a dark pucker since birth.
    But one day she saw
    (and this dropped her jaw)
    a new way to bolster self worth.

    Now, unlike the Crest strips or lasers,
    Which naturally wouldn’t have phased her,
    This new fad was bleach
    Where the sun doesn’t reach,
    so much worse than makeup or razors.

    To rectify God’s grievous blunder
    Of making it umber down under,
    they spread wide her cheeks
    (it hurt for two weeks!)
    and tore her whole asshole asunder.

    I’m lying, of course, when I say it.
    All they did, really, is spray it.
    But it burned like the dickens,
    and she squawked like a chicken
    and continued to spread and display it.

    But all was not right with her rectum,
    So she went to a doc who inspects ’em.
    He told her, “You stinker!
    You whitened your winker?
    That’s the easiest way to wreck ’em!”

    His analysis showed her a scar
    the look of which, bleached, was bizarre.
    She thought she’d get guys
    But to her surprise,
    they all smelled her pants from afar.

    A scar had been left from the burn,
    but she thought that her stool would return.
    But all she could do
    Was leak some wet poo,
    and the rest was a growing concern.

    A surgeon’s assistance she sought
    To free up that damnable clot.
    He cut her twink open,
    her all the while hopin’
    that some guy would still find her hot.

    Listen to me when I speak,
    if you don’t want your arsehole to leak.
    She was glad to be free,
    but saw on TV,
    Paris Hilton got it done the next week.

  5. Damn. Typos. “make” (second stanza, fourth line) should be “makeup,” and there should be no “that” in the last line. Proofread, Ben, proofread!

  9. I haven’t seen the word “twink” in so long. I especially like the rhyming of laundry, quandary, and boundary. Good shit.

  10. Very nice Heliologue! (Or as we would say in .au ‘noice’).

    But, in order to give it a place-based authenticity, could we change ‘asshole’ to ‘arsehole’ in the 3rd stanza? Australians pronounce and spell it the way the Brits do. It doesn’t change the scansion.

  11. A young frat boy who bleached his own arse,
    described the event as a farce.
    “It wasn’t the stinging,
    the skid marks or clinging –
    I now carry my balls in these jars.”

  12. A slutty young tart from Australia
    While partaking in kinky bacchanalia
    Was told with a frown
    “Your pooper’s too brown.”
    She said, “Yes, but when bleached they may fail ya.”

    or

  13. A slutty young tart from Australia
    While partaking in kinky bacchanalia
    Was told with a frown
    “Your pooper’s too brown.”
    She said, “Yes, but when bleached they may fail ya.”

    or

    A regretful girl on an uncomfortable journey
    Told a stranger from her hospital gurney
    “Even with a fresh glow,
    it’s still an asshole you know.”
    He said “I know. I’m Michael Jackson’s attorney.”

  14. Limericks are all good and well, but what about a sonnet?

    It seems that I’m imperfect, oh, alas
    My loving partner deigns to tell me so.
    Specifically, he finds fault with my ass
    I needs must bleach my exit hole below.

    I take the jug of Clorox from the shelf,
    The turkey baster likewise I avail.
    Bend over, spread my cheeks and spray myself
    ‘Til sphincter is a lighter shade of pale.

    And yet it stings and burns and makes me cry,
    And brings me naught but pain; certain no joy.
    I do this for my man. I have to try
    To keep up with the coochies in Playboy.

    And now I see the product of my action,
    My anus doth resemble Michael Jackson.

  15. Alternate final couplet:

    This brings a consequence I was not seeking
    I must now wear Depends®. My ass is leaking.

  16. OK. *flexes* Not as good as Heliologue, by a long chalk, and lacking the challenge words, but still… here’s my attempt.

    A young Aussie biologist
    To her boyfriend became an apologist
    Till she bleached her brown rectum
    The pale end of the spectrum
    A good thing she now dates a proctologist!

  18. *sneaks back in* and, after some thought …

    A girl quite fond of Bec Cole
    Disliked the tone of her hole
    The medical analysis
    Re: sphincter paralysis
    To rectify would cost her a roll!

    Note: Beccy Cole is a very popular Aussie country singer

  19. Pingback: Schrödinger’s Cat is Dead » Blog Archive » Poetry, dammit!

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