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Lauren Notofchef

Lauren

It’s not often at work that something warms my cockles, but yesterday, when a foreign couple came into work to set up a new account, it was revealed that they have different surnames. “Even though we’re really married,” the wife explained. “I know that’s weird in your country.” The husband smiled apologetically.

“No, actually! I have a different last name from my husband, too.”

Most of the time I try not to get into politics at work, especially with the customers. I’ve been told some of the nastiest, racist, sexist, homophobic things I’ve ever heard in my life while helping out the regulars, and since I can’t stick up for myself and my beliefs I usually try to keep things airy. But this, this surname thing, something that always sets the femosphere aflutter — I was not going to let this woman think it was a sign of non-commitment in the US to keep your birth name when married, even if many mega-corps can’t manage to keep a handle on it.

They both looked a little surprised as I continued to enter their account information into the system. After a pause the wife asked tentatively, “Was that your choice?”

“Yup!” I confirmed.

And then she squeeeed! a little and clapped her hands. I squeeeed! a little too on the inside. Feminism in teaspoons.

23 thoughts on Lauren Notofchef

  1. Of all things to irritate me, that the joint account my husband & I have at Blockbuster lists “has” to list us as Mr & Mrs [hislastname] is what drives me truly up the wall.

    Really? Really? It has to? Excellent – then I cannot be held responsible for any charges on it, since my name is NOT Mrs [hislastname].

    And this is why we have separate accounts for everything else. *stomp stomp stomp*

  2. I particularly love explaining to people how I have a different last name than my daughter…see, I didn’t want to lose mine, but didn’t feel SO attached to it that my daughter had to have it – you know, it being my adopted father’s name anyway…and it did make my partner happy not to have to explain to some of his particularly unenlightened friends that his daughter’s last name was not the same as his…and him having some insecurity over his masculinity being undermined…

    so it is that people look at me like I have two heads when I tell them this fact and sometimes – like at the doctors – I feel like they doubt that she’s even my daughter to begin with!

  4. “Of all things to irritate me, that the joint account my husband & I have at Blockbuster lists “has” to list us as Mr & Mrs [hislastname] is what drives me truly up the wall.”

    That’s weird. When I worked for Blockbuster (admittedly about 6 years ago now), there wasn’t an option for a truly joint account. There was a primary account-holder and then whoever else they said could rent on the account, which was a fill-in field where you could put whatever the hell you wanted. Since we were required to check ID if the person didn’t have the card with them–or if they had the card but clearly weren’t the account-holder–it wouldn’t have made any sense to have the system force a name like that. It’d be like “Great, now we have to stick notes on the account anyway since the ID isn’t going to match what the computer’s telling the CSR.”

    My own little “my name! keeping it!” moment came when my vet asked my favorite vet-tech ever if my file needed to be relabeled now that I was married. She mentioned it to me and laughed, saying she told him that we don’t all change our names anymore, and it was kind of a moot point anyway since they all knew my husband as “Mr. Mylastname.”

  5. and it was kind of a moot point anyway since they all knew my husband as “Mr. Mylastname.”

    Heh. The best is not only that Chef is known at the vet’s office as Chef Mylastname, so are the cats. It’s teh awesome.

  6. “The best is not only that Chef is known at the vet’s office as Chef Mylastname, so are the cats.”

    Hee. That is indeed teh awesome.

    We’re going through the motions of buying a house right now, and I do have to say that everyone (insurance company, realtor, lenders, etc.) has been really good about not trying to squish us onto one last name. All the paperwork has shown up with both of our names listed correctly, and nobody’s called asking for people who are figments of their patriarchy-addled imaginations. I wouldn’t give it so very much credit, but the lender somehow managed to decide that my current work number was my work number from 5 years ago, which is a mistake somebody really had to work at making–that number hasn’t even been in service for 3 years.

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  8. I’ve used my best friend’s parents’ phone number to get a member’s discount at Safeway for about 5 years now, and I can’t even count how many times I’ve been called “Mr. Herlastname”. It’s always been more fun to play along then argue it.

  9. I just went back to my maiden name after my divorce. If I get married again, I will not change my last name again. It is a pain in the ass.

    I really do not see why the woman needs to change her name. If it’s so important that everyone in “the family” have the same last name, then the man can change his name.

    Women don’t change their names in a lot of cultures around the world. Korea and Saudi Arabia come to mind.

  10. I have a different last name than my partner and it still confuses the school secretary when I call in for my son “Destruction”. At one point she asked me if I was sure I was his mother. My son and I look very much alike and there was certainly mistake at the hospital if you get what I am saying…People just cannot seem to adjust to the idea that women want to keep their own identity. Since both of the boys are part of me I gave them my last name as a middle name, I felt I had just as much right to claim them as their father.

  11. We’re kind of grappling with the last name thing. His last name is a hyphen because his parents were cool hippy feminists who decided to be Mr. and Mrs. C-S.

    I really love my last name (Garcia) and my dad had no sons and I’d love to keep the Garcia name going for one more generation.

    My boyfriend’s parents say they don’t care if he changes his name, or we choose one of theirs and hyphenate, but I feel bad about it! So, yeah, it’s like a big, bad math equation with emotions wrapped around it.

  12. My reaction when my (then fiancee) said she was going to keep her last name was, “I don’t care if you call yourself John Smith, as long as you marry me.”

    It was always a non-issue with us, but when we went to buy a house years ago, we not only had to show a copy of our wedding certificate, but write and sign a letter affirming that we were, indeed, married. (rolls eyes)

  13. We’ve only just started receiving telemarketer calls at our new house. It was a real moment of revelation when one asked, “Can I speak to Mr or Mrs Hislastname”, and I quite honestly replied, “I’m sorry, Mr Hislastname isn’t home at the moment” and hung up without realising that by “Mrs Hislastname” they might have meant me!

  14. I kept my last name too, although I’m still considering changing it – not to his last name, but to my grandfather’s, because I know it had been a concern of his that the family name would die out with his four daughters (and, you know, it did). I haven’t done it yet though, primarily because I am lazy :p

    So the name thing for ourselves has been a nonissue, but we’re at a loss as to which last name the baby should have. We were considering hyphenating it, but then all three of us would have different surnames, and I’m not sure I want to tangle with all the confusion that’s bound to wreak in small-minded folk throughout the kid’s life. And I really don’t want to have kept my name just so his name can go on all our offspring … agreed with the comparison to a very bad math equation 🙁

  15. My own little “my name! keeping it!” moment came when my vet asked my favorite vet-tech ever if my file needed to be relabeled now that I was married. She mentioned it to me and laughed, saying she told him that we don’t all change our names anymore, and it was kind of a moot point anyway since they all knew my husband as “Mr. Mylastname.”

    I had a similar moment, when our research coordinator thought I was going to need new business cards after I got married. um, not so much.

    It’s a moot point for us, too. Everyone refers to him as Mr. Earlgreyrooibos. Drives him a little nuts, if only because my last name is pretty odious.

  16. the second half of my work day is going to be oh, sooo much better after reading this. Thank you 🙂

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  18. My wife & I had to threaten to sue a state agency to have them recognize the fact that we have different last names. After the media picked up the story, we got hate mail. That was more than 20 years ago. I would hope that things have changed.

  19. It can get even crazier in a blended family (a family with step-parents/children).

    When my mom Jane Copperpot married my dad John SnakeBlisken, she called herself Jane Copperpot-SnakeBlisken. But then they divorced, and she dropped SnakeBlisken (which is my last name). She then married Joe SnowFairy, but didn’t change or hyphenate her name. He had two kids, and so we became the Copperpot-SnowFairy-SnakeBlisken clan. It was even crazier because we all blended so well (a miracle I thank God for every day), that we dropped “step-” from our relationship descriptions (with the exception of my beloved step-father, out of respect for my beloved biological father).

    It caused no end of trouble with schools and medical stuff and any large bureaucracy, and it made a lot of people uncomfortable (probably because they didn’t know what to call any of us). But I’m proud of the example my mom set for all of us.

  20. Oh hey, I have a question: when I was working customer service, a few (East) Indian couples came in, and the husband’s first name was her last name.

    Does anybody know what that’s about? I’m having a hard time Googling or Wikipedia-ing this query.

  21. Being half of an academic couple my first reaction to the question is always, “why would we change our names? What about our publication records? Such a change would lead to confusing and madness.” Plus we both grew up with the odd name thing so we have a lot of pride in keeping them.

  22. @Sarah no H – We all have different last names in this household, which was part of the reason it makes it all easier. We all have different first names, what’s the difference?

  23. My husband is a sexist conservative. I’m a feminist liberal. I kept my last name. It still galls him. I get quite a thrill whenever someplace (like the vet’s office) gives us paper work addressed to Hisfirstname Mylastname.

    In a previous relationship, my then-fiance wanted kids. We had come to an arrangement that when we got married, we would pick a new last name so that our new family would have the same name and both of us would have to go through the name-change. Relationship didn’t work out, but I always thought that would be a great idea for those with plans of having kids.

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