In defense of the sanctimonious women's studies set || First feminist blog on the internet

You know what’ll really ruin your day?

Jill

cheese
Full-fat heaven.

Craving cheddar cheese for 48 hours, buying it at the bodega, then getting home, tasting it, being totally disgusted, and reading the label to discover that you accidentally purchased fat-free cheese. Who are you insane gastronomical killjoys who thought up fat-free cheese? Who are the clearly off-balance people who eat it? And what in God’s name does that rubbery, pathetic excuse for cheddar do when you try to melt it? (I don’t think I even want to know).

That shit is nasty, and it offends me that anyone ever thought it was a good idea. Cheese has fat in it, people, and when you take the fat out, it tastes really bad. Few things irritate me more than “diet” food that is simply a way-less-satisfying version of what you actually wanted to eat. What’s the point?

What ticked you off today?

79 thoughts on You know what’ll really ruin your day?

  1. Cabot makes a good low-fat cheddar, and the French make a good yogurt cheese which has a very nice Havarti-like texture. But other than the soft cheeses (i.e., ricotta or cottage), fat-free just doesn’t work.

  2. OoooOooo…a good and timely one.

    Let’s see, a person with whom I had a really, really bad falling out with over a year ago, contacted me out of the blue yesterday, so that she could try to close a chapter in her life (which means, reopening nasty wounds for me). The conversation started via MySpace at 7:30pm, it’s only ending now at 2:30am. Luckily it was civil, unlike the last time we contacted each other. However, it’s still very much emotional draining.

    MySpace manages to ruin my day, yet once again!

    But thankfully, the image of the puppy in the entry right below this one converted this frown on my face into a smile.

    Cheese has fat in it, people, and when you take the fat out, it tastes really bad.

    Yeah, I hear you. I don’t understand why people thought it was a good idea to make fat-free versions of food that’s pretty much made out of fat in the first place.

  4. Nothing ruined my day today! I made an awesome lamb curry (one of the few times when yoghurt really is better than cream) and the house smells delicious. A parcel of new comics arrived in the mail. We had high winds and rain all day but the power didn’t go out. I’m watching Doctor Who from the early 80s. It’s all good!

  5. I nominate this for best post ever on Feministe ! I completely love cheddar and if someone is going to spoil my love (by taking the fat out), I am going to scream. Very loudly.

  6. Well what ruined my day (yesterday and today), was finding out that the irish government are going legalise same-sex civil-partnerships but not allow gay couples to legally adopt children or give FULL marriage rights. Idiots.

  7. My best friend eats that crap! (he’s 6 foot 7 and weighs like, 170 lbs and works out religiously) and he tried to put some on my black bean burger last night.

    Yeeech.

  8. That is horrifying. Cheese… without fat? I don’t even know what to say.

    My day was pretty good yesterday, possibly slightly ruined by the huge downpour that started right as I got off the subway near my home.

  9. Ugh, such a timely post! What ruined my day yesterday was arguing with my pregnant sister-in-law (via blog and emails) about children being socialized through toys. She doesn’t think that toys, clothes, etc. play any role in socializing our children – she says it’s only the parents that are too blame and plus, she’d rather her little boy “fit in and not be teased” than come to school in pink clothes and wanna play dress up… UGH… it’s difficult challenging people with in these types of conversations in the first place, but when it’s family, it’s especially hard.

  10. My anthropology professor was showing us two videotaped interviews: one of a “pioneering anthropologist” and one of a “pioneering female anthropologist.” During the first, he sat and watched through the whole thing with the students. During the second, he talked over every answer his colleague gave, essentially repeating everything she was saying.

    So I asked him to stop doing that, as is my obligation, and he responded by standing above my desk looking at me and asking me to repeat what I’d said. “Do you have to talk over her?” I repeated. “I just don’t think she’s being clear,” he explained. He stopped talking over the video briefly, before turning it off and telling us what she had said during the rest, and explaining what a pioneer she had been in the field of “gender issues.”

    I’m pretty disillusioned with that class.

  11. What ruined my day today was finding out that Wisconsin voted in a conservative for the State Supreme Court. And now we’ve got him for 10 years.

  12. What a truly bizarre post. I don’t like X, so no one should have it.

    Not to mention it’s pretty, like, blind to other people’s dietary concerns.

    I vote we remove chilis from the store shelves. I don’t like those. Also, green and red peppers.

    (Yeah, I get this was supposed to be humor, but, like, unfunny.)

  13. Fat-free cheese = non-alcoholic beer.

    What ticked me off today? Glenn Beck’s continued existence on this earth. “Barack Obama is too liberal, and I’ll tell you why”? Shocker! Why, I am stunned and distressed that Obama is too liberal for a doctrinaire neoconservative! I guess the topic of tonight’s show is going to be “The New York Yankees Objectively Suck, As Explained By A Red Sox Fan.”

  14. Um, Mandolin – nowhere in Jill’s post did she advocate a non-fat cheese ban. She just thinks it’s an abomination and questions the taste of people who consume it, not that it should be removed from shelves. I feel the same way about ricotta cheese, but I won’t be picketing Italian restaurants anytime soon, even if it means I can’t often eat the lasanga.

  15. I’ve tried fat-free cheese once. I was hammered and hungry, and it was sitting there in the fridge (my wife had bought it just to try).

    Took a big bite, then gagged it out. Horrrrrible.

  16. What a truly bizarre post. I don’t like X, so no one should have it.

    What a truly bizarre comment. Jill said X, so I’m going to respond to Y.

    Sometimes I wonder if there’s anything that can be posted on a feminist blog without someone showing up and taking issue with it. I think this post is evidence that the answer is “no.”

  17. This stupid icon that I keep seeing on LJ, pictures of Obama and Hillary with the legend “Bros before Hoes.”

    Dude, I’m sorry, it doesn’t matter who you’re for, just NO. NO NO NO.

    And it’s being used by women!!!

  18. I made a decision last night that didn’t ruin my day yesterday but does promise to ruin many a day in the next 6 months. I’ve decided to live my dating life by The Rules and only The Rules. Why? I’m bored, couldn’t care less about dating (or not dating), and I figure it’ll provide some cheap entertainment for me and my friends for at least a little while.
    Me thinks it will just reinforce my belief that any man who actually wants a woman who lives by The Rules is not a man I’d ever be interested in.

  19. fat free cheese … blech.

    reminds me of the time that i bought a banana muffin for breakfast and found that ‘banana’ meant ‘artificial banana flavor’. i’m sorry … i would rather eat dirt. at least it’s natural.

  20. “blind to other people’s dietary concerns”

    That’s, like, pretty ableist of you.

    Fat-free hotdogs at a campfire–another abomination.

  21. I can accept some healthy substitutes. Poultry dogs. 50% ground beef/50% ground pork. 2% milk instead of the usual 3.67 or whatever it is. But cheese should be CHEESE.

    I bought a bag of shredded cheese that was 1/2 the fat of regular shredded cheese. It was kind of flavorless, and when it melted, it took FOREVER. I was toasting some on some garlic bread and it just would NOT MELT. It sat there all clumpy and gelatinous for the longest time.

    I got ticked off today because I can’t afford my medications this month, so my body is going through some pretty severe withdrawal and I feel weird under fluorescent lights. Not really any other time. But under the lights I get tired, dizzy, etc. I didn’t think there was any side effect to abruptly stopping that medication, but … anyway. It’s not even something I can be ticked at someone about, unless it’s my company paying me the minimum salary while they’re opening a half dozen new facilities and have a big name celeb in their ad campaign.

    I might have to break down and pay for my meds on credit or something. And then I get ticked off wondering why I have to buy BRAND name medication in this country, which costs as much WITH insurance as my GENERIC drugs cost WITHOUT insurance back in the US …

  22. What kinda ruins my day today:

    Last night I was reading some chapters of “The History of Celibacy” for my History of Modern Sexuality class. There was soooooo much about women in all different kinds of cultures (both historic and modern) having the sole responsibility to not fuck before marriage. It wasn’t because the author was disproportionately representing women, but she could only find like two cultures that seriously male celibacy before marriage. And they only did so because they thought women were dirty. UGH!!!

  23. Speaking of cheese…why is it that every time I order a sandwich without cheese it causes the world to crumble into ashes? Seriously, the clerk looks at me as if I just announced the cracking of the seventh seal of Armageddon…”you mean…you…don’t want cheese? Aiiieee! Run for the hills, the prophecies have come true!”

    Bah. I just don’t like cheese in my sandwiches. And, to top it off, at least a third of the time they “forget” and put cheese on it anyway, so I have to peel it off and throw it away.

    THAT’S what ticks me off.

  24. What ruins my day (or at least puts a dent in it):

    Vegan products that pretend to be meat (“chicken”, “pork”, etc, made from TVP). Look, there ain’t no way you’re going to make some overly-processed vegetable glob look, smell, or taste like meat. Give it up, and create dishes that vegan cooking is especially well suited for. Grilled portobella mushrooms … yum! (I’m a meat eater, but if I’m in a group with vegans, I’ll happily eat, and cook, vegan food.)

    Soy “yogurt”, “cheese”, anything…Ick. See above.

    Comments like this: What a truly bizarre post. I don’t like X, so no one should have it. Oh, please. Jill’s not telling anybody to stop eating non-fat cheese.

    Fuckwad d00ds yelling at me, “Look, it’s a man in a skirt!” (No, I don’t look like the narrow patriarchal definition of a woman, but I am one, idiot.)

  25. I spent a while yesterday being pissed off at Livejournal execs’ complete contempt for their users and for what Livejournal is supposed to be.

  27. I remember my mother bought some fat free cheese back when it first came out and we had the same reaction. WHen it melts it’s like plastic. Just…ew. I shudder to think about it.

    What ticked me off today? Wanting the snow to be gone. I know I live in Minneapolis but I’ve had enough! Also…cramps. Menstrual cramps. Such pain. Don’t worry…I’ll survive… 😉

  28. Vegan products that pretend to be meat (”chicken”, “pork”, etc, made from TVP). Look, there ain’t no way you’re going to make some overly-processed vegetable glob look, smell, or taste like meat. Give it up, and create dishes that vegan cooking is especially well suited for. Grilled portobella mushrooms … yum! (I’m a meat eater, but if I’m in a group with vegans, I’ll happily eat, and cook, vegan food.)

    Boy do I hear you on this. I was a vegetarian for 11 year, and could not for the life of me figure out why people felt the need to eat fake meat. There’s tons of amazing vegetarian food that’s delicious in its own right, not because it’s a second-rate version of meat. I still eat very little meat, and manage to get by just fine without imitation animal.

  29. RachelPhilPa- now, I whole heartedly agree with you on the fake meat except for one little thing..
    “Not chicken-chicken nuggets”. Oh how I love them… what are they made of? I’m not sure I want to know, but I could have them every day.
    Soy yoghurt is not too bad either if you can’t have milk but it doesn’t come close to the real thing.
    Things that piss me off? My racist co-worker and superior.
    That sucks, before 7am every morning putting up with things I hope never to hear again.

  30. Fat-free cheese, soy cheese, faux meats, agar agar “Jello”- they all taste like crap because they are pretending to be something that they aren’t and that just doesn’t wash. Naming vegetable globs (GallingGalla- glob works for me) after other products is just a security blanket approach.

    That being said, I used a stupid arguement on the internet yesterday to give me the strength to break big pieces of ice into small pieces. Even irritation has a place in society of used right.

  31. Even irritation has a place in society of used right.

    if used right. Now I’m irritated enough with my spelling mistake to break up more ice chunks.

  32. <>

    ooh, totes disagree. have you had quorn? it’s amazing. and tofu pups are deLISH. better than the real thing and not made out of ears and toes, either. fake chicken nuggets, also superior to real ones. i appreciate fake meat (even though it’s usually not so meaty) primarily because you never run into gristle or other random grossness you might find in real meat. i’m also coming to like soy yogurt even better than regular yogurt…. the so delicious cinnamon bun flavor is amazing. soy cheese, however, is definitely useless.

  33. Sometimes I wonder if there’s anything that can be posted on a feminist blog without someone showing up and taking issue with it. I think this post is evidence that the answer is “no.”

    Ya think?

    WHY DO YOU HATE LACTOSE INTOLERANT PEOPLE, JILL????

  34. The only thing standing between me and politically-pure veganism is CHEESE. Any kind, any variety.

    Soy cheese is shit, don’t care what anyone says. Icky poo. But I confess a fondness for Stonewall vegetarian jerky… which rocks. (Pre-vegetarian, I could never eat real jerky, because it’s so hard to chew.)

    What makes me so mad today: the wholesale destruction/colonization of our neighborhood by WalMart is almost complete. The traffic is horrendous just from the construction crew… can you imagine what it will be like when they actually OPEN the fucking thing?

    🙁

  35. 10 years ago, I’m so excited. I am enrolled in a liberal college for women about to embark on my studies and a totally new life. Stop into the dining hall for a bite, what’s this? Fat-free milk, salad dressings… everything! No full fat in the dining halls, okay. Trip to the local on site convenience store and STILL no fat. Anywhere! Reduced fat Oreos, Fat-free chocolates. Really ruined my day.

  36. I don’t have a problem with the proliferation of all the veggie “meat” products. It’s cool. I had a nice affair with gardenburgers once.

    But what I hate is the deceptiveness of Publix’s greenwise “meat like” products. I accidently bought some veggie sausage. I was NOT pleased! Flavoring was good, but the texture…oh dear god.

    I don’t believe in fat free anything. Alternatives (chicken dogs, turkey sausage), awesome! But food is SUPPOSED to have fat in it!

  37. There’s tons of amazing vegetarian food that’s delicious in its own right, not because it’s a second-rate version of meat.

    Hear hear. Also, tofu (when prepared in good ways) is fabulous and doesn’t really need to pretend to be meat. It’s fine as it’s own thing.

    Non-fat cheese is a crime against humanity.

  38. I’ll add fat-free ranch dressing to the list. I accidentally saturated my salad with it one day at the salad bar and barely got through a few bites before I had to throw it out.

  39. I used to work at a cheese shop. We had a couple of “low fat” (as in, not really low fat, just lowER) cheeses that were good, but the one fat-free cheese was just so sad. It tasted like nothing. It actually had no taste whatsoever. When people came in and asked for fat free cheese I always asked if they had any real dietary restrictions or if they were trying cut a bit of fat from their diet. If it was the later I always recommended that they try to cut somewhere else cause seriously, this cheese has no taste.

  41. I don’t get Mandolin’s comment either. I actually really like vegan cheese, and my favorite breakfast is at Hugo’s (anyone familiar?)– a quinoa burger with kale and vegan cheese casserole. And full disclosure, I’m not vegan or even vegetarian. But I don’t fault anyone for thinking that vegan cheese is gross.

  42. Oh, timely!
    I was making myself some pizza yesterday, and grabbed the snap-lid container that I keep cheese in. I must have grabbed fat-free cheese by accident, because I topped the pizza, threw it in the oven, and when I checked on it, I found that the tips of the shredded cheese had literally burned, while the rest was just a hot mess. It wasn’t melted, exactly, but neither was it still completely whole. It had sort of gotten really soft and stuck together without getting melty and delicious. And it was so rubbery and nasty. Gross.
    I couldn’t eat it, so I ended up ordering out.

  43. Jill, your INTOLERANCE of fat-free cheese is EVIDENCE that you are BIASED against MY CANDIDATE. I thought you feminists were supposed to be TOLERANT!!!11!!!
    😉

  44. One time I was feeling a bit incipient-UTI-ish, and bought myself some cranberry juice on the way home. I open it up, drink some, and go ‘What the hell? This tastes all wrong! Can cranberry juice go bad?’ But no, it was merely ‘diet’ cranberry. Similar thing happened with Aquafina a few years ago, when they came out with flavoured water-I was hot a thirsty, and thought ‘Oh, lemon water-that should be refreshing!’ It was full of aspartame, and not thirst-quenchy at ALL! Did they think people add lemon wedges and Sweet n Lo to their water? Really?

    Light cream cheese is impossible to tell from the regular stuff, but have you ever accidentally bought light sour cream? It’s like cream jelly.

    Today I’m annoyed that it’s so damn cold at work that I keep having to run my hands under hot water, in order to warm them up enough to type. Yesterday it was similarly cold-the bottle of frozen vitamin water on my desk was only half-thawed after 8 hours.

  45. I like boca burgers–throw some A-1 sauce on them and they are mighty tasty.

    Soy milk tastes like plastic.

  46. I’ll add fat-free ranch dressing to the list

    I concur–it’s so nasty and sweet.

    Did they think people add lemon wedges and Sweet n Lo to their water?

    You’ve never worked in a restaurant, have you?

  49. I LOVE turkey bacon. I like it better then pork bacon.

    And dude, I love fake chicken nuggets. And veggie burgers that don’t try to pretend to be cow. I want it to taste like veggie stuff!

    Fat free ranch tastes like ass. Ew.

    Things that upset me? This preacher on NPR who just told a lesbian caller she didn’t belong in his church. GRRRRRRR. Why the black community insists on discriminating against the LGBT community, I will never understand.

  50. Veggie sausage is tricky, but Field Roast makes some excellent ones.

    And sausage is really about the spices, not so much the protein. The spices are what makes salami salami and kielbasa kielbasa, even if they’re made from the same kind of meat.

  51. Although I am still aghast at the idea of cheese with zero fat in it, I have to say I’ve been kind of obsessed with the idea of vegan cheese for a while (and the two are totally not the same thing). I’m not vegan but I’m really into the idea of ersatz foods — pretty much the opposite opinion of GallingGalla and Jill, and I actively seek out vegetarian dim sum and other creative ways of using vegetable matter to make things that are distinctively unvegetable-like. (Although I have to admit, some of the best examples, such as some varieties of Buddhist monastery food, don’t resemble meat at all and have gone totally off into some other weird non-representational realm.) Vegan cheese is this fascinating conundrum because it’s hard to get something that has both the physical properties (gooey stringy meltiness!!) and the taste of cheese.

    This thread prompted me to find this recent post about the quest for a proper mozzarella substitute. Apparently this Teese stuff actually melts pretty well on a pizza and tastes good too? I’m probably just weird considering I can eat mozarella without too much trouble (I’m a little lactose intolerant) but I am really curious to try it. Also, it’s a comforting 12% fat, mmmm.

  52. Vegan cheese has never done it for me. That’s not exactly why I’m a vegetarian and not a vegan, but it doesn’t help. On the other hand veggie sausage has to get really bad before I don’t like it, and I like most veggie burgers too. Plus I went out last night for fried rice with fake seafood at a vegan place and it was really delicious.

    I’m not sure anything has ticked me off yet today. Then again I haven’t been awake long.

  53. Holly- I’m sure other people have mentioned this, but in case they haven’t: have you tried eating goat and sheep milk cheeses? Apparently many people who are lactose intolerant are actually only bothered by cow milk products. I have several friends who are pretty severely lactose intolerant, but they can eat goat and sheep milk products without any problems at all, which is really nice when it comes to things like pizza or nachos. Also, it means that they get to enjoy the bliss that is fried haloumi with a touch of garlic. MMMmmmmm.

    I have to say, as much as I disliked the zero-fat cheese, I loooove Silk soy milk. Especially the red box, which I think is plain? Oh, man. It’s delicious. I love it more than real milk on my breakfast at this point. It’s not as good as real milk for cooking, in my experience, but it’s waaaay good for breakfast or a glass of milk. Yum!

    The thing that ruining my day right now is that my office, which has been on the cold side for the last week or two, suddenly jumped to, like, 85º today. The day that I’m wearing a sweater. I’ve got my fan turned on, but I’m still roasting.

  54. I don’t like fat free cheese like this either, but I have to say sometimes I prefer the low fat or fat free versions of foods, including some cheeses like cottage cheese and ricotta cheese. Sometimes I find the full fat versions are too rich and even a little bit makes my stomach upset, whereas the lower fat versions are just right. To each their own. 🙂

  55. Cheese is delicious.

    Non-fat cheese is terrifying.

    That is all.

    Ok, not really.

    Tofurkey is also terrifying.

    That is all.

    Really this time.

  56. Speaking of cheese…why is it that every time I order a sandwich without cheese it causes the world to crumble into ashes? Seriously, the clerk looks at me as if I just announced the cracking of the seventh seal of Armageddon…”you mean…you…don’t want cheese? Aiiieee! Run for the hills, the prophecies have come true!”

    Bah. I just don’t like cheese in my sandwiches. And, to top it off, at least a third of the time they “forget” and put cheese on it anyway, so I have to peel it off and throw it away.

    I also get this reaction when I ask restaurants and delis to hold the cheese. With the exception of mozzarella on pizza, parmigan on some italian dishes, or the occasional brie on crackers/bread, I cannot tolerate large amounts of cheese in my diet as it is feels too rich for my palate. Another factor is the possibility I inherited to a much lesser degree the strong dislike of cheeses that many older generation Chinese immigrants like my mother and her siblings tend to have.

    If anything, they find it quite odd I dislike most cheeses, especially American as they assumed that my being American born means I will love all sorts of cheeses…especially American…when American cheese to me is a total abomination.

    As for things I am pissed about….what the Chinese Communist government is doing in Tibet and their clumsy attempts to equate all Tibetan dissidents with terrorists…including accusing some of being suicide bombers. Unless I have missed something in my admittedly limited research into Buddhism for my high school senior thesis*, suicide is the last things a serious Buddhist would do if s(he) wants to reach the ultimate state of Nirvana.

    This incident adds to the internal conflict on issues such as this. While I detest the rank hypocrisy and murderous policies of the CCP….I also shudder at the prospect of overentitled Western governments and some ostensible supporters who use incidents like this to push the meme of Chinese and other non-Western societies as being “backwards” and “uncivilized”.

    It does not help that I just finished reading “The Origins of the Boxer Rebellion” by Joseph W. Esherick which adds to this frustration as it was not that long ago that Western Imperial Powers, including Japan and the US, took part in the colonization and subjugation of China and other non-Western societies.

    It is an excellent book providing one reasonable evenhanded view of what caused the rise of the Boxer movements and the “Boxer rebellion”. Though it was published in 1987, it is a far superior book on this topic than the subsequently published trade book “The Boxer Rebellion: The Dramatic Story of China’s War on Foreigners that Shook The World In the Summer of 1900” by Diana Preston who does not seem to rely on any Chinese sources, effectively rehashes the predominant Western narrative akin to the “55 Days in Peking” Hollywood movie where the Boxer/Chinese viewpoint is effectively brushed aside, and was most probably written to cash in on the 100th anniversary.

    What was more sad is that the latter book was praised by a well-known Chinese-American author for its “meticulous research” and that it was given to me by a well-meaning Chinese-American former roommate who knew little of how Western imperialism and Christian(especially Catholic) missionary meddling in Chinese society led to the groundswell of anger among most of the Chinese populace which eventually led to a backlash.

    * Not as grand as it may sound….just another hoop students at my urban public magnet high school had to jump through to graduate.

  58. Borden used to (maybe still does) make an ‘imitation cheddar shreds’. It was really strange, and I don’t think it was fat free or any thing. I didn’t exactly like it but I couldn’t figure out why. I would buy it, and eat it, and think, what is it about this stuff that I can’t figure out? I think it was something that was almost, but not quite, entirely unlike cheese. It was just cheese enough that I felt like my purpose in life was to classify the stuff.

    Fortunately, I’m beyond that obsession.

  60. I can only eat American cheese if it is melted. I think it is gross cold. Is that weird?

    I am also annoyed that until 2009, a man can’t take a woman’s surname after they marry in CA. Grrr.

  61. I have had some really good chicken sausages at Trader Joe’s. I particularly like the andouille. The best I’ve had was kosher chicken apple sausage that my sister brought from a farmer’s market in L.A. (Warning to those who keep kosher or cook for Jewish friends who do–a lot of chicken sausage comes in pork casings.)

  62. Today? today i was pissed that the elevator in the journalism building at OSU broke AGAIN, and so i missed class AGAIN, and had to call the ADA about it AGAIN. but was then happy that, because i am disabled, its NOT MY FAULT i missed class and so i can not be punished in any way.
    and then, i went to get a pepsi. i ordered pepsi. i was handed diet pepsi (in a cup). i said “Excuse me, i think you gave me diet by mistake”. the guy says back “didn’t you want diet”.
    blink. “What? i asked for pepsi, not diet pepsi!”
    “but didn’t you want diet?”
    “okay, i’ll bite. what the HELL are you talking about?”
    “you’re a girl.”

    huh? he gave me DIET pepsi because i am a girl????????????

    seriously?

  63. The worst abomination for me is no-salt potato chips. The whole point of a potato chip is that it’s a delivery vehicle for fat, salt and starch. If one of that Holy Trinity is omitted, well, it’s just blasphemous.

  64. Oooh, Ismone, I LOVE TJ’s chicken sausage. But chicken apple sausage is one of my favorite things in general, mostly because I don’t really like pork. Sarabeth’s on the south side of Central Park has the best chicken-apple sausage I’ve ever had.

  65. Fat-free cheese? No fuckin’ thank you. I’ll say no more.

    Here in Canada, there’s a brand called Schneider’s that is known for its meat products, but they also make really good vegetarian substitutes. Their “Oh Naturel!” line includes burgers, “chicken” patties, ground “beef” and “meatballs”, which I just had with my pasta not half an hour ago. (On which I also had FULL-fat grated romano/parmesan blend.) They’re really nicely seasoned and stay pretty firm after cooking. I’m not a vegetarian either, but I just can’t be bothered cooking meat of any kind; if I want some that badly, I’ll leave its preparation to the professionals.

    What ruined my day? Taking the first few hours off work to get Crowded House pre-sale tickets, only to have the website reject my login details, thereby necessitating the creation of a new account, by which time the tickets were all gone. Now I have to have someone get them for me during the public sale, and I really hate entrusting that duty to someone else.

  66. Jill, if you have some skills with a knife, you might be able to carve up your fat-free cheddar into Hi-Bounce balls. At least that will work until your apartment gets too hot.

    As for faux meat, well…it depends. One place I used to love to go as a teenaged vegetarian (back when veggies were still considered WEIRD and airlines thought green beans and white rice constituted a “vegetarian” meal) was this kosher veggie place in New York I’m sure is long gone, near Bloomingdale’s, called Greener Pastures. They had the BEST “fake” chicken and burgers EVER. I have also been to Chinese places which do the TVP thing very well. And I love Trader Joe’s veggie corndogs. But I find the stuff in cans pretty much inedible, and most veggie coldcuts and vegan cheese I’ve tried I wouldn’t feed to a dog.

  67. dude, i can TOTALLY relate to being ticked off by the stealth fat-free dairy products! the absolute WORST is fat-free cream cheese. i’m all like WTF on that. i’m sure it would taste wonderful on a rice flour bagel. eeeyyyaaagghhh.

    i have no quarrel with folks who for some health reason cannot eat cheese with fat in it. in that instance, i would recommend all of the multivarious and wonderful items that are not cheese, nor do they have cheese in them. there’s a frozen vegan pizza i get from trader joe’s that has absolutely no cheese that’s absolutely awesome. but if it had that “soy cheese” nonsense on it, i think i would have to hurl it like a discus.

  68. What makes me so mad today: the wholesale destruction/colonization of our neighborhood by WalMart is almost complete.

    I’ve never seen it quite put like this, but calling what WalMart does to communities colonization, seems to be the most accurate way to put it.

  69. huh? he gave me DIET pepsi because i am a girl????????????

    seriously?

    I had the following conversation once in a pizza place:

    Guy behind the counter: So, what do you want, diet something?

    Me: Why do you think I want diet something?

    Him: Well, women are always on diets.

    I didn’t go back again until they changed owners. (Which, I’ll grant, happened on a regular basis.)

  70. Guy behind the counter: So, what do you want, diet something?

    Me: Why do you think I want diet something?

    Him: Well, women are always on diets.

    True story: I worked in a Cracker Barrel that fired a server because when a fat customer asked what kind of salad dressing we had, she only mentioned the fat-free options.

    I loved my manager.

  71. I cannot under any circumstance eat fat free or low fat blue cheese dressing. I love, love, love blue cheese, but those make me want to vomit. I tried fat free cheese once and thought it was horrific, although I do use the part skim stuff if I’m cooking.

  72. I ordered a small sub at Jersey Mike’s a few years back and the young guy felt the need to ask me, “Is that, like, all you’re going to eat?”

  73. I can tell you what happens when you melt fat-free cheese. I once used it as pizza topping. It became an odd sort of plastic-ish textured lid that kept the pizza underneath so well-hydrated it was more soggy than a floor mop.

    What pisses me off today is that I’m building up an impressive cold. I’m gonna pick up my bf and his family in the airport tonight, and I can hardly see straight right now. Great, I miss him, we have a long weekend together and I feel like crap. Bloody perfect timing. Blah!

  74. “American” cheese is what a Canadian would call processed cheese, right? Like Kraft Singles slices? That is an abomination, the smell and sight of which make me nauseated. It’s what kids often get fed instead of proper cheese, and I find that to be alimentary abuse.

    Plus, it and Cheese Whiz are both packaged as ‘Processed Cheese Food’ and anything that has to specify that it is food? Isn’t.

  75. Fat free cheese will eventually melt if you work at it long enough (although it’s NOT worth the effort), but you know what’s worse? Fat free butter. Yeah. Doesn’t melt at all, ever, no matter what you do to it. And while non-melted cheese sometimes has a purpose, the whole point of butter is that it melts, right?

  76. THANK YOU to those who hate/refuse diet soda! I think fat-free cheese and diet soda are the same: if you don’t want the fat/sugar, why not just drink water and eat a sandwich (or whatever) without cheese?

    However, I do like certain kinds of fake meat. Some are really gross, granted. But Morningstar Chik’n Strips is actually among my favorite foods. I also like veggie burgers and Morningstar fake bacon. But I usually don’t think of these things as meat substitutes. I used to not understand the idea of eating fake meat when you’re a vegetarian, but I don’t like seitan and I get tired sometimes of tofu, and I found a few years ago that I wanted more protein in my diet (I’ve been vegetarian for about 17 years). Hence, fake chicken. But the veggie coldcuts are repulsive, it’s true.

  77. if you don’t want the fat/sugar, why not just drink water and eat a sandwich (or whatever) without cheese?

    Because I want the caffeine, and coffee makes me queasy. And because the sugar rots your teeth. (My dentist actually told me that if I was unable to kick the soda habit, diet was better than regular. Not that it’s that much better what with the acids, but still.)

  78. “American” cheese is what a Canadian would call processed cheese, right? Like Kraft Singles slices? That is an abomination, the smell and sight of which make me nauseated. It’s what kids often get fed instead of proper cheese, and I find that to be alimentary abuse.

    Yep…that’s the abominable “cheese” I referred to above. And yes, from first grade till high school the cafeterias would serve it in quantity. Feeding schoolkids that stuff is abuse…..though many of my classmates will dispute us on that….including one college classmate whose fondness for melted cheese sandwiches using kraft singles knew no bounds. The odor permeated his entire presence.

    Also, never cared for diet sodas as they’ve always had this indescribable funky aftertaste. If one wants to drink sweet carbonated beverages….may as well go all the way.

    Fake meats and tofu, however, are another matter. If done right, they are wonderful culinary delights…especially when washed down with a wonderful glass of soybean milk from an Asian supermarket and maybe accompanied with a dish of red bean or mango ice cream. 🙂

  79. i appreciate fake meat (even though it’s usually not so meaty) primarily because you never run into gristle or other random grossness you might find in real meat

    I like gristle. However, I admit to once buying a box of the Trader Joe’s Buffalo “chicken” nuggets and eating the whole thing when I got home. All I really need out of a food item that’s meant to carry blue cheese dressing and hot sauce is fat and crunch.
    I also like fake-meat breakfast sausage patties for making breakfast sandwiches. As for fat-free cheese, I suppose I could eat it if I had to, but I would have to follow it with a glass of cream or eggs fried in butter to take the taste away.

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