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Things I’ve Done That You Probably Haven’t

Lauren

I ran across this listing game at Hugo’s blog and have ever since tried to come up with a list that wouldn’t a) sully my pristine, unassailable reputation, and b) mess with my mother’s blood pressure.

This is a list of ten silly things I’ve done that you probably haven’t (all but one occurred before the age of eighteen):

1) Met Greg Louganis in the Atlanta airport where I asked him to take a picture of the two of us together – with his camera. (He was remarkably attractive even though he was easily several inches shorter than I – and I’m short.)

2) Got pulled over by the chief of police for riding double on a moped without helmets.

3) Took out a retaining wall at a Village Pantry with my car less than 20 yards from my home, breaking an axle, flattening two tires, and having to reassure the police that no, I had not been drinking, and yes, I’m completely sure I haven’t been drinking, yes, I’m just a bad driver.

4) Arrested at fourteen for indecent exposure when my pants fell down on a city bus. (Stupid baggy pants phase. And even though my family still doesn’t believe me on this one, I did not moon the bus driver.)

5) Stole a pink feather boa a la Tinkerbell from a Disneyworld store by putting it around my neck and walking out the door.

6) Fell off the second-story roof of my parents house after I got up there purely for curiosity’s sake. There was a balcony off my bedroom, and due to some reconstructive work being done, a ladder as well. I climbed up the ladder and onto the roof, looked around and decided it was boring, and tried to get down. The ladder fell, so I decided to jump back onto the balcony. Rather than landing safely on the balcony, I bounced off the balcony railing, landed on the pavement driveway, lay there for a few painful moments, then walked inside like nothing happened.

7) Two words: Poop Circles

8) Fell down an entire mountainside (some people call it “skiing”) and took out a crowd of five at the bottom of the summit.

9) Won two regional poetry contests in elementary school, one for a poem that was partially plagiarized. At least I wasn’t stupid enough to try and pass off a famous poem as my own, like that kid in junior high who “wrote” me a love poem titled “I Know Why The Caged Bird Sings” with his name on top. Idiot. Nonetheless, having to read a plagiarized poem to an audience of hundreds was sweat- and guilt-inducing enough for me to never, ever plagiarize again.

10) Met Richard Dean Andersen at an uppity restaurant in Vail, CO. I didn’t know who he was until after I got his autograph.

16 thoughts on Things I’ve Done That You Probably Haven’t

  1. Hoo boy. You were a wild one, kiddo!

    This looks like a fun one to do sometime. I’ll keep it in mind for my blog. Heh!

  2. I met MacGyver at a sports bar in College Station, TX, and he fixed a malfunctioning TV with a barette from a waitress, a shot of Jagrmeister, and a wad of chewing gum (wintergreen, of course).

    I don’t know that I’ll be participating, in that my list would probably stop at #3, and two of those would be instantly recognizable falsehoods (“You didn’t turn Charlie Parker on to smack, dumbass!”).

  5. ::hastily deletes draft email entitled “Shall I Compare Lauren to a Summer’s Day”::

    I feel oddly and pathetically ahead of the curve on this one, having done my part more than a month ago.

    Next iteration: “ten things I haven’t done that you probably have.”

  7. Lauren:

    Hon, I can relate to what you’re saying. I’ve been married three times. As you can imagine, my stupid is pretty much a given, and let’s not even address the modesty…

  8. you met MacGyver & didn’t know it was him? really? of course, if he didn’t have his signature mullet, i guess i can understand, but still…. what are we teaching our children these days???

    i’m going to be lazy & copy what i wrote over at the fab Ms. Trish Wilson’s site when she posted about this lil’ meme (did you know that if you take a meme, a ball of twine, blue gel toothpaste & a pound of baking soda you can make a working helicopter that seats six? with rockets?? i learned that from MacGyver! see what i mean? educational as all get out.)

    ok enough – here’s my been there, done that:

    1. spent ten years or so working in the one of the oldest anarchist collectives in the americas

    2. accidentally opened the portal to a demon dimension during a particularly powerful acid trip. luckily, through sheer force of will & a magic pillow i was able to close it again & save the world. i don’t brag about this, but still, saving the world… i’m pretty proud of it

    3. rioted

    4. reoriented a lamb inside the womb during a difficult lambing one long winter’s eve many moons ago

    5. set an island on fire (yes, accidentally!)

    6. nearly died on King Arthur’s Seat in Edinburgh (don’t ask)

    7. read every book in the paranormal section of the Providence Public Library circa 1984-5

    8. woke up early one morn out camping, stood up, & bumped into a bison the size of station wagon, covered in frost

    9. shadowed swat team members at a protest while wearing a death costume (skull-mask & black cloak) – yeah, they liked that.

    10. climbed to the top of Cader Idris, aka Hall of the Grey King

    and one i forgot to mention at Ms. Trish’s, but Mr. Norbiz reminded me

    11. turned Charlie Parker on to smack 😉

  9. Sounds like a challenge, ok here’s ten things I’ve done that you probably haven’t:

    1) Faked an orgasm Meg Ryan-stylee live on stage in front of 200 people (I am a stand-up comic).

    2) Played football (=soccer) for the Tokyo Central Post Office mens team (I was supposed to be playing women’s basketball in the same sports complex but they were short of players, I had to offer).

    3) Lept off a 40foot scaffold with no ropes and no safety harness (for those who live in London http://www.stunt-action.co.uk)

    4) Been arrested aged 14 for prostitution in France (innocent, thanks).

    5) Spent Christmas snowed in in a log cabin in the middle of nowhere in Scotland (we argued like hell! hahaha)

    6) The London Marathon (or maybe some of you have done that).

    7) Saved someone from drowning in the South China sea (he returned the favour the next day by helping me escape from a herd of stampeding water-buffalo).

    8) Had a flutter on the Barbados Gold Cup.

    9) Been president of an ancient Oxford University literary society (The Davenant Society, I was a terrible president and only organised about 4 events all year. I also broke the society rules repeatedly by failing to speak in rhyming couplets during meetings!)

    10) Been an overnight guest in a buddhist temple on mystical Koya-san mountain near Osaka, Japan (complete with vegetarian dinner and 6am meditation ceremony).

  11. isn’t that the point? or maybe to inspire people to try new things. or was your list going to be:

    1) crochetted a place-mat
    2) bought fresh fish from a fishmongers
    3) dusted the living room with the radio on….??

  12. 4) sang in the shower
    5) etc.

    I’m just pissed that you and Jam had lists that were so much better than mine. I really need to get out more. 😉

  13. Ms. Lauren said earlier: 10) Met Richard Dean Andersen at an uppity restaurant in Vail, CO. I didn’t know who he was until after I got his autograph.

    as baffled as i was the first time that you knew not the mighty morphin’ MacGyver, now i’m confused as to why you were asking for his autograph if, indeed, you knew not…

    i like Chris Clarke’s idea: ten things i haven’t done that you probably have – for example, i’ve not done #’s 1 & 3 on Cruella’s second list… & i sorta wonder whether many have actually bought fresh fish from a fishmonger (& moreover been conscious of the fact that they were doing business with a “monger”)

    apologies for tortured syntax & the like – i’m on meds for an intercostal muscle sprain & i’m sure my typing is reflecting

    but does that stop me?

  14. #10 is sort of like #1. Meet with celebrity, make ass of self. I ran back to the dinner table with the autograph and asked, “Okay, what was he in?” I’m not so good matches names with the faces I recognize.

    (P.S. I wonder if Louganis still has that picture.)

  15. Ms. Lauren wrote: I’m just pissed that you and Jam had lists that were so much better than mine. I really need to get out more.

    please… let’s review:

    1) first of all Mr. Louganis is remarkably attractive, so: points for titillation. but that you had the pardon-the-expression balls to ask him to take your picture together with his camera. that’s not making an ass of yourself. that’s what’s called setting the standard. he wasn’t the celebrity there. you were. which is why he still has the picture.

    2) mopeds=cool. rebel outlaw mopeds with no helmets getting hassled by The Man? double cool (aka far out)

    3) willful property destruction at a chain convenience store? do you know how often i’ve dreamed of this?

    4) i would never have the guts to drop trou on a city bus. never.

    5) you STOLE from THE MOUSE. nobody fucks with THE MOUSE…. and yet you did, and got away with it, with flair to spare i might add.

    6) actually, this is where our experiences cross & i was gonna call you on it, but there was no balcony in my case, so… anyways, i’ve also fallen off a second story roof. it wasn’t so much curiousity as it was my deranged pre-teen idea of training-to-be-a-ninja. also, i didn’t really saunter away like nothing happened. i just sorta lay there in quiet agony… and then humiliation when i realized the kids across the street had been watching me the whole time.

    7) ok, so not so much in the cool department. but i would say it hits high on the grossness scale & therefore points for being a tuff sunuvagun in the face of unbearable yuck.

    8) you FELL down a MOUNTAIN. again, tuffness like Toughskins. plus you nailed a buncha folks at the bottom, which must’ve been a real knee-slapper. so, super tuff & funny = action hero.

    9) one word: chutzpah. acually make that 3 words: seriously impressive chutzpah.

    10) you met fuckin MACGYVER. this alone, as Heliologue noted, would make all intelligent & cultured folk feel the disappointment & heartache of realizing just how much they’ve been missing in life.

  16. Ok if we’re all still reading (and to make Lauren feel better about herself) – here are five things I HAVEN’T done that you probably have:

    1) Seen the film E.T.

    2) Driven a car.

    3) Been to a Spanish-speaking country.

    4) Owned a dog.

    5) Had a Big Mac.

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