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Embracing the gray

zuzu

I’ll be 40 this year (yipe!). And 40 is a Big Birthday. And when one is staring down the business end of a Big Birthday, one starts to ponder. One of the things I’m pondering is what it means to be a middle-aged (eep!) woman in this culture.

One thing that it means is that I’m no longer the target for handwringing articles urging me to get married and have children before it’s too late. It’s already assumed to be too late! Pressure’s off on that score.

Another thing it means is that I face somewhat of a dilemma: do I opt out of trying to look young, even if that means a certain amount of invisibility in a culture which prizes feminine youthfulness? Do I try instead to cultivate a look of authoritativeness?

The question before me now is: do I stop coloring my hair and let the gray come in?

I’ve been coloring my hair since college, which is coincidentally when I started getting my first gray hairs. Those weren’t the reason for the dye jobs, though; I was just experimenting. Indeed, one of my first experiments went very awry (I envisioned some kind of blonde highlights in my chestnut-brown hair; I wound up with brassy orange), and when the roots came in, I just picked a darker color and re-did the whole thing. Suddenly, I had auburn hair, and people started noticing it. I got stopped on the street and told how beautiful my hair was (oddly enough, people assumed the haircolor was real, but asked me if I wore colored contact lenses). I enjoyed the attention.

But after a while, more and more gray started coming in, and covering it up became more of a hassle. But still, there wasn’t enough gray yet for me to even consider laying off the dye — I’d always told myself that I’d love to have gray hair, I just didn’t want graying hair. “Gray hair” made me think of my middle-school friend Ellen’s mom — Mrs. W was prematurely gray, and in her mid-30s had lovely, striking silver hair which set off her green eyes.

So I kept dyeing my hair, and trying to keep the root growth to a minimum; as a result, I never really got a sense of just how gray my hair really was, because I couldn’t get a good look at it.

Now, though — I have not been able to color my hair for about two months because I just refinished my bathtub and put my apartment up for sale. I don’t want to do anything that might stain the finish before I have the contract signed. And I noticed the other day, what with there being two months’ worth of roots, that I might just be gray enough, finally.

Unfortunately, I’m not really sure how to proceed here. I don’t want to walk around with a giant skunk stripe of undyed gray hair in the middle of my head. If I switch to henna for the new growth, will that eventually fade out? Do I have to cut it all off and start fresh?

Help!

And feel free to share your thoughts re: gray hair, aging and the way that middle-aged (urk!) women are viewed.

85 thoughts on Embracing the gray

  1. Obviously, it’s ultimately up to you to pick your hair color, but I agree with you about grey hair looking really great on some women. The thing is, the look of partially grey, even one stripe, has also really grown on me. I love seeing strands of grey mixed in with darker, it’s somehow nuanced and just slightly sloppy and natural in ways that I find very beautiful — even as I have to admit that I’m still at the stage where I just pull out the lone greys. It’s always easier to admire (and aspire to?) the look of others. And a stripe of undyed grey hair? Maybe I’m just not picturing how it would look realistically enough, but that sounds kind of awesome and punk-rock to me.

    I’d suggest that you should just dye all of your hair the perfect silver color you’re looking for — that would be pretty bad-ass too — but I imagine it might be hard to find that shade, since so many people are trying to avoid it.

  2. You lucky dog. We always want the things we’re probably not going to have, and I’m probably not going to go gray for a long, long, long time.
    I can’t help at all with the whole transitioning-from-color process, but I can share my impressions of the most kick-ass silver hair I’ve ever seen. At my friend’s wedding, her 50-something mother had a dramatic bob that was cut up to her hairline in the back and angled towards the front along her jawline, and she looked absolutely fierce, vivacious, and stunningly beautiful. I practically resolved to invent gray dye on the spot so we could all have a chance at looking like that.
    It’s always all about the cut, no matter what color your hair is, but with gray or graying hair, I don’t think you can be too dramatic. Otherwise it looks like you’re trying to escape from yourself.

  3. Congratulations on your impending entry into the 5th decade of life. I turned 40 earlier this year. I have a few gray hairs and actually think it looks good: a nice contrast with the darker hair. Plus I no longer get carded at bars.

    I like being 40 because instead of the young woman who has to please everyone, now I can be the evil matriarch who orders everyone around. I never was very good at the young-and-sexy thing.

  4. I can’t believe you don’t have a zillion replies already.

    Embrace your age and take advantage of all the eccentricities allowed to our aging population. Quit the hair dye and find a nice easy wash and wear style. Never again put on a waistband that doesn’t stretch. Go zany on the reading glasses. No reason to quail at needing help with loading that heavy bag of dog food. You are a grey haired older women. Go with it. At some point in our lives we need to recognize that cute and sexy is no longer our best asset (maybe not an asset at all); our wit and humor are the best thing we have going. Lady, you have wit and humor aplenty. Accentuate that! Speak out when others stay quiet. Comment on things others’ may feel is none of your business, you crazy old woman. Point and laugh out loud at things that are ludicrous. A head of grey hair gives you the liberty to thumb your nose at convention and still be judged favorably.

  5. I (42 on the 18th) didn’t have the money to dye my hair until recently, and I’m currently sporting deep red streaks and a couple of pale blonde highlights. Which mixes in with the natural reddish-blonde and white. I was never able to dye it myself because my hair won’t take dye very well — anything you can buy at the store just washes out.

    Anyway (enough about me), you’d probably want to talk to an actual stylist, but that’d be my suggestion. Switch to a less permanent dye and something like foils, which can be darker or lighter than your hair, during the transition. See what the color looks like after a few more months and then if you like it do less and less coloring.

    But what do I know — I’m still shopping a Torrid. 🙂

  6. I posted on this dilemma a few months ago on my blog. Like you, I started going grey early. I had resolved never to dye it; my mother dyed it all her life from age 30. At age 38 I succumbed. At age 47 I decided to let it go grey. I was told I had two choices since I had been using professional permanent dyes. I could cut my hair very short and endure looking like a skunk while it grew out. Or I could have my hair bleached ash and let it grow out a bit less conspicuously. I opted for the latter; I hated being a blonde and it took a full year to go entirely gray. For the first few months my hair felt like straw.

    But then two years later I started having it colored again. In spring 2004, when my mom died, we had to ask the undertaker to touch up her roots so no one at the wake would see her grey hair. That was my Rubicon. I went the bleached blonde route again, and I now love my silver gray hair. My husband and my four daughters have blanket permission to call my shrink if I come near hair dye ever again. It is a lot easier to have silver hair as a 62-year-old grandmother.

    Unfortunately there is no silver hair dye.

  7. I’d suggest that you should just dye all of your hair the perfect silver color you’re looking for — that would be pretty bad-ass too — but I imagine it might be hard to find that shade, since so many people are trying to avoid it.

    I agree with this advice, not that I’m a hair expert.

    I’m 40 and I have some gray in the front. It started when I was 25. I had a woman at work tell me I should dye my hair because I’m “too young to go gray.” As obnoxious as that sounds I was sort of charmed that anyone took an interest but it’s too expensive for me to have it done professionally on a regular basis and I’m too lazy and afraid of bad results to do it myself.

    Plus I kind of like the idea of leaving things natural (for myself.)

    I do think the whole issue of “trying to look young” can be a huge mess. I’m living with the fact that I have wrinkles and the gray and I don’t mind “looking my age.” But am I too old for my clothes? I wear anime T-shirts wherever I go, unless it’s a wedding or something — not because I want to look like I’m into what the kids are but because I like them. But I worry about the message it sends. “I’m hip, even though I’m so old I use words like hip.”

    (I’ve occasionally gotten crap in feminist circles for being old, because old people all have antiquated values and can’t possibly understand today’s generation or whatever. It really pisses me off.)

  8. I keep telling my mom to not dye her hair, because she has black hair with all of these strands of silver right on her hairline. It looks awesome to me.

    I have no practical advice because I have roots down to my ears. But that’s between my natural brown and black that’s faded a lot over the past… um… year.

  9. De-lurking for henna info! Henna does not ever fade, especially if you use body art quality henna and do a slow dye release with acid. Then the dye binds immovably with the keratin in your hair, which is what makes hennaed hair shiny and thick and split-end free. Henna looks neon red on grays, so that could be kind of fun but wouldn’t really help the growing in stage 🙂 If you’re interested, tons of info and reliable supplies can be found at http://www.hennaforhair.com – check out the forum! I like black hair myself, and use henna and indigo to get a purplish-black.

  10. My mother, who had lovely salt-and-pepper hair, finally dyed hers when I was in high school when it was suggested that looking “old” was hurting her chances of getting tenure. (Although, reading between the lines, being female at that particular college was the primary issue.) I have my fathers coloration, though, and he’s still about 60% blond at 70, so I don’t expect to have to make this decision myself for a while yet. I did finally stop coloring mine electric blue, though.

    I’d second (or maybe third) the suggestion of going to a stylist and having her match your dyed ends to your incoming natural roots. Thereafter, you can probably handle any fine-tuning yourself, but the first major change can benefit from a professional touch. Matching colors and compensating for pre-existing dye can be a tricky business.

  11. I know nothing of henna, and nor do I have an opinion of grey hair, but! A salon should be able to strip the dye out of your hair, leaving the natural color (whatever that may be) behind. It may not be easy or cheap, but it’s possible. 😀

  12. Speaking from just the other side of 50, go with the gray. I say this for several reasons.

    Middle aged women are invisible in this culture, no doubt. There was once a joke on Six Feet Under about some women going on a post-funeral shoplifting spree because no one suspects middle aged women of anything. But there are moments when I want to be invisible. Speeding in traffic, hauling those kilos of contraband, infiltrating an abstinence-only convention — you know what I’m talking about.

    But – and this is what I’ve learned as I’ve grown older – when you want to be heard, people do listen to older folks if the older folks carry it off well. I’m a lawyer, and age and experience give you the freedom to take on the matronly role of calling your opponent a silly little boy who need to get his dick back in his pants with some level of authority. I love the authoritativeness age brings, and the hair helps.

    I wish the shocking, glamorous silver would get here a bit faster, though.

  13. I would try using a dye that washes out after 20-30 shampoos, either at home or at a stylist’s–you could get some good advice there, too, as has been mentioned.

    I’m 36 and have been dying my hair since I got my first grays at 26, so I hear you on this issue. It was fun to color my hair in my 20s because I would choose different colors and have fun with it, but then I hit 30 and decided I should go with a shade close to my natural color and it just got tedious. I’m still at the stage where I would only have silver streaks, which in my dark brown hair is not particularly attractive, so I’ll keep dying, even though I always feel vaguely guilty and vain when I do it.

  14. I would not try henna. It’s kind of a bad idea to do it over chemically-dyed hair, first of all. You could try switching to a semi-permanent dye instead. I’m not a hair dresser, just a frequent hair colorer, but I don’t think that semi-perm would really do what you want either. I’d imagine that it would fade but not all the way, so you’d just end up with an ugly drab hair color.

    Honestly? I’d say you should either cut off all the dyed parts (or as much as you can handle losing) or go to a salon and see a good colorist. They should be able to help you dye your hair a color that will work well for growing out, and give you some highlights or whatever to help it blend.

  15. I’m 39 in April and I’ll be 40 next year. I’m really sort of excited about it because 40 is sort of a new weight-class. I won’t be compared to 28 year olds anymore. I see tons of sexy, beautiful women (Mary McDonnell, Lisa Epstein, Oprah – babes one and all) out there and I’m looking forward to being one. I really find that there’s a lot of quiet appreciation for sexy older women. And if you don’t feel like being sexy in your 40’s, there’s a lot of understanding that it’s not necessary anymore. Most people aren’t critical of older women who don’t want to do the beauty thing. Older women are expected to be competent, organized, smart, wise, and busy with their career and/or family. It’s a plus if you want to do the beauty thing and hardly any negative at all if you don’t.

    I’m so looking forward to 40.

  16. I’m 58, soon to be 59, and my Beloved is 57. She has gone grey quite suddenly, and to both of us us it looks great on her — adds a little dignity — she does public performances with storytelling, hand puppetry and “folk” singing for very young people, and to me always had a Koan Baez ambience — and she’s going grey the same way as our idol, with diamonds and rust, so to speak. She does nothing whatever to her hair but wash and brush, and sometimes does a ponytail or a bun, as needed.

    My hair is currently even longer than hers — but hardly anyone ever sees it. My head shape tends to say “guy” to people, so every morning I make a ponytail, pull it through itself like a shoelace, and tuck it all under a simple short wig.

    I’m suddenly greying at the temples, and this can be a concern when the wig blows around, so I’m going to color to match. But I retire in three years, and I have told all my friends I will be announcing crone status at that time — with a grey wig.

    risa b

  17. The other commenters here have better feedback for you on the ins and outs of hair coloration, but my view is simply that you ought to do what makes you feel looks the best on you.

    That may sound like a cop-out, but given how often our choices are judged in the realm of appearance, especially if you’re a woman (though this is getting more the case with men, too), I think it’s generally positive to get affirmation that not adhering to someone’s ideal is okay. Certainly we all have subjective views on what we think looks good on others – which I’m not against – but there needs to be respect for one’s own agency in determining how one looks.

    My mother is 59 and I have never seen her natural hair color (I’m in my 30s). She makes no apologies for it, and pulls it off well because she looks at least a decade younger than she really is (which means that when we’re out together, people sometimes think we’re a couple, which is weird). On the other hand, I went to a professional meeting last weekend, and one of the speakers was a well-established scholar whose gray/silver/white hair (she had all three) looked positively regal, so I could see why she would never color her hair.

  18. A good – but expensive! – way of growing out your dyed hair back to its natural colour, regardless of what colours those are, is to go with a full head of foils, some your natural colour or close to it, some closer to the dyed colour, but fairly neutral (so if you’ve been being a redhead, you might want to get them to tone down the red). It’s trickier when you have salt n pepper hair than all one colour, obviously. But the idea is that because it’s foils, as it grows out there isn’t such a definite skunky demarcation.

  20. And a stripe of undyed grey hair? Maybe I’m just not picturing how it would look realistically enough, but that sounds kind of awesome and punk-rock to me.

    Well, it would look like roots, except gray instead of dark. And while I would LOVE a big streak, a stripe at my roots doesn’t appeal.

  21. I’d defininitely follow the advice to go to a stylist. I started going grey early, too, but I dyed is just because I wanted darker hair. Or red hair. Or blue-black! For a good five years, until last spring, I had pink-purple streaks, with the dye giving an overall plum-cherry chocolate look to the rest (I was at the hairdressers every 6 weeks, without fail). Then I had an important job interview, so I had it un-dyed (which you need, after that many years) then re-dyed to what we thought my natural colour is. Now I’ve decided to let the grey grow in, since I think it’s fun. So we started using a toner, which makes the silver hairs a lovely goldish brown. And now I’ve been dye-free for…a few months. My hairdresser thinks I’ll get sick of it, since I’ve always liked my hair slightly darker than natural-though I wish there was some way of keepng the silver!

    Anyway, I’d suggest going slowly, and with a colour technician’s help-don’t just go to a regular stylist, get someone who is officially a colour technician, who upgrades her skills frequently. If you start now with toner, I think the gray will look more natural as it grows in.

    And I know some people love henna, but it was a disaster for me-I somehow ended up with blonde roots around my hairline (I have medium to dark brown hair) and rest had a faint greenish tinge. The smell took days and days to go away, and my hair felt like straw! I started 8 years ago have my hair professionally dyed, and I’d never do it any other way, now!

  22. Well, today’s my thirty-ninth, and I figure that for me to offer an opinion about how to color or not to color hair, I should in fact have a larger volume than what I have left. The fact that I am male only compounds my inability to contribute.

    That said, there’s something to be said for styling it purely as you like it. Not only does it please you, but if it lies outside the norm, you get a free can so to speak of “conformist asshole repellent.”

  24. I’m only 27, but I’m developing a subtle but noticeable silver streak down the middle of my hair. I love it. Of course, I also look and dress like a little baby dyke (I’m told I look about 16 or so). When cashiers or bouncers question my ID’s validity, I can just laugh and show them the gray hair. Then they laugh, I laugh some more, and I get my beer. We all win.
    Moral of the story? People believe gray hair over state issued ID.
    * Of course, that probably wouldn’t work if my other hairs weren’t black.

  25. sadly, my wife disagrees with my belief that a little gray in the hair is sexy, so she keeps going for the dye. one of the things i love about her, though, is that she doesn’t give a damn what i think. that’s even more sexy.

  26. I don’t have any answer, just want to say that I empathize. There are specks of gray in mine (I’m 34) and so far I’ve resisted (but they are just specks). My grandmother dyed hers way too long and I don’t want to do that. I can’t wait to have cool silver gray hair like she did. I think her hair was solidly gray at 60.

    But I don’t know how to handle the next 25 years. Gray or not? Partially gray? I’ve always resisted highlights as too high-maintenance and vain. But maybe I’m willing to give in for the gray. Plus, I’ll be a new mom soon. Which somehow makes me feel simultaneously older and younger at the same time and seems to confuse me more on the gray thing.

  27. I’m waiting for my hair to start going grey. I then get to dye my hair back to its original color, and wait to see which side I take after.

    The maternal side will eventually give me long dark hair with dramatic silvery-grey streaks on the top and sides, even when I’m eighty, and that should start in my mid-forties.

    The paternal side will go steely-grey, strand by strand, then pale out to pure white, still very heavy, when I’m in my early sixties.

    I don’t intend to cut my hair for anything. I think either greying pattern will look eyecatchingly superb on thigh-length hair.

  28. I’d go to a spendy hair salon (whatever’s in your budget) and explain what you want to them — a dye job that’ll let you grow your gray in without it looking like roots. My guess is that they’ll do something like highlights — bleach out the graying areas so that there’s not a sharp line where they start — but this is something where a professional will know what to do.

    You’ll probably need to sit through a certain amount of argument about whether you really want to grow out the gray, but if you stick to your guns I’ll bet a professional will have a good answer.

  29. Good timing on the post. Just yesterday I cut off the last 2 inches of highlighted blonde/brown/silver mix and am now happily all natural salt & pepper. My method was to just cut 2 inches at a time and over the course of a year viola! I have now gotten more compliments on my hair than ever before. Good luck!

  30. No, henna doesn’t fade. And no, if you use body-art quality henna from a reputable dealer (like the ones you’ll find at hennaforhair.com), it won’t react badly with your chemically dyed hair–cheap henna with metallic salts and such added to it does that.

    There is supposed to be a shampoo that washes dye out of your hair (not by bleaching, actually removing the dye particles), and supposedly if you use that five or six times, you can get henna out of your hair. So it was said at hennaforhair’s forum, anyway. But you could also use that on your chemical dye job, and then maybe use a silver toner if you have leftover discoloration?

  31. So many options. Definitely experiment with both dyed and undyed looks. And welcome — almost — to the club. 40 rocks, even though I am keenly aware that in this culture, it’s easier for a man to say that for so very many reasons.

  32. My grandma has naturally very dark brown (almost black) hair that’s gone about 50% grey, and the grey is distributed evenly through her hair so it looks like she has black hair with silver highlights. It’s gorgeous, I love it.

    Like a few other people have said, you basically have three options. One is to just cut off all your hair and start again. Another is to over-dye your current hair colour with grey or silver so when it grows out it matches. If you’re completely grey, you can just dye it all over. If you’re salt and pepper, you’d have to get grey or silver highlights. And the third is to start using temporary dye on your hair until it’s grown out enough that you can cut off the permanently dyed part, and then just stop dying it and let the temporary dye fade out. (That’s probably what I would do).

  33. I would not try henna. It’s kind of a bad idea to do it over chemically-dyed hair, first of all.

    Ditto what iamnotanoctopus said above. This is a common myth about henna based on the fact that most people know of the dye from the brand available at healthfood stores. Brands like Light Mountain, Coloura, etc. are NOT 100% henna – they are usually stuffed with metallic salts, indigo, etc. No good for pre-dyed hair!

    Real 100% henna and indigo can be used without fear over anything. Sorry to go into a bit of a pedantic rant, but all the myths about henna drive so many people away from what is such a great way to dye and condition your hair without the chemical risk of commercial hair dyes, particular dark hair-dye which contains PPDs (no good, very bad, high potential for allergic reaction!)

  34. The name of that shampoo is Color Fix by Jheri Redding, by the by. That and silver toner would run you $25-30, roughly.

  35. ooh, I’m right there with you, zuzu, on the “how do I want to present myself?” thing at age 41. I feel so much smarter and more sure of myself than I did 20 years ago, I like the mature confident woman I am these days, and want to present that self, rather than look like someone unable to let go of social pressures toward youthfulness. I used to tell my gay-boy friends that it was their job to make sure I wasn’t that way-too-old-for-that-outfit woman, they had to tell me “oh honey, no…” But I find I’ve done it alright for myself, and have let things like miniskirts and pink hair drop off into the “not for me anymore” category. One might think I’d feel more pressure, having a girlfriend 15 years younger than me (that’s not me grasping at youth, that’s her persistence even though I kept trying to say “go away you’re too young”), but I think that just allows me to appreciate how little the numbers actually matter.

    I’m still at the occasional-gray-strands stage with the hair, but I’ve done colors just for fun for years – I’m going with a little auburn shade now. I always go with semi-permanent only b/c I’m lazy about upkeep. But I also think about how gray is gray enough to just go with that? And will I have a nice-looking gray? My mother colors her hair, her original color was blonde and she says her natural shade is now a “sickly looking yellow-gray,” not the lovely silver she would like. I’m starting with a medium-brown, so maybe there’s hope for a pretty silver?

    Don’t know how I’ll do the transition. Our hairdresser informed my girlfriend that true gray is the absence of hair color so you can’t dye that shade — she actually wanted some gray to look older! She has a job with authority beyond her years, and needs to be taken more seriously – we worked a bit on her wardrobe for that, and sometimes she wears plain-glass eyeglasses as well. As we all know, too “young and pretty” is often not a good thing, professionally.

  37. Semi-permanent is what you want. I agree that you probably want to consult a professional since at least some of your hair is already dyed and putting dye on top of dye is asking for disaster, but semi-permanent is what you use to cover gray. Plus since it only lasts 6 to 8 weeks, depending on how often you wash your hair, you can keep checking to see where your roots are at. I used to do semi-permanent all the time when I was younger because I was too lazy and too poor for permanent and I never had a problem.

    I have scattered grays that I haven’t quite decided what to do with. I’ve never liked my base color and red looks good on me, so I’m hoping to someday be a strawberry blonde the way a lot of women out here in LA have turned into platinum blondes once they’ve gone completely gray.

  39. Forty wasnt bad….I turn 50 in September though, and I must say this is really already bothering me.

    I’m told all the time that I dont look my age…but I dont look 28 anymore either, and I have to say I’m vain enough that it bothers the hell out of me.

    And yes, over 40 and female, no matter how conventionally attractive you are means invisibility to a large part of the population – generally speaking both men *and* women younger than you are, and many men older.

    As for the hair, my natural color is a dark, dark blonde, and its only in the last few years Ive noticed any real amount of grey sneaking in. I used to just foil blonder streaks in, but as the grey (which is really dead white on me and not grey) crept in, I started coloring all over two shades lighter than my natural color, and adding highlights on top. Yes, its expensive and time consuming.

    Last year I went a few shades darker than my natural color, having always wanted to be something other than dirty blonde. I didnt like it. It just wasnt me.

  40. My hair has always been a washed-out reddish-blonde, but lately (I’m 50) I have white (not gray) hairs growing in, evenly, all over. The overall effect has been to make my hair look naturally a lot lighter, and I’m very pleased with it. If it gets too 70s-looking (remember “frosted” hair?) I might have to put some kind of rinse on it, but so far, I am surprised at how well it has blended. (I have very long hair and always have; something of a personal trademark.)

    People ask me if I’ve lightened it, and I just wanna giggle–nooo, fooled
    you with my new WHITE hair!

    The worst part of aging is simply how you don’t bounce back from things… the flu, toothache, varicose veins, anything out of the ordinary health-wise just threatens to take me under. I used to be a tough ole gal, but now? I don’t lift anything quickly, I pace myself, I get enough sleep, I add fiber to meals, I take care of myself. Etc.

    God, that sounds old and boring, huh? 😉

  41. I always find it ironic that the fashion magazines say “dark hair around the face is unflattering as you age, be sure to put in highlights” but also say “dye your gray”. Mixed message much? I had natural highlights, thanks. *g*

    How short are you willing to go? I’d say put up with the stripe for a few months and see if it’s becoming. If it’s great on you, chop it short and grow to a new color. If it’s bad on you, then you have options. And, what everybody else said, see a professional colorist.

    Signed, Graying Since 30

  42. I’m in the process of the same decision. My first step will be to have all the various colors removed and have my natural color put in as a dye, so that when gray roots come in, they’ll come in in a natural context and I can make a real decision.

  44. I’m only 26, and have only just started noticing, and fretting over, and then chiding myself for fretting over, wrinkles on my face. So my advice may not be very useful. 🙂 What I’d recommend, though, is that you cut your hair short in a fun style — I mean just go to a hipster-filled salon and tell the stylist to go buckwild.

  45. I have no idea what your hair or face look like, and have no idea if it would look right on you, but my vote is go for a super short pixie cut! No worries about further dye jobs, matching the roots, etc. Plus I’ve ALWAYS wanted to cut my long hair and get a pixie cut, but have been too big of a coward to do it. Let me live vicariously through you!

  46. I know what you mean about the streak at the roots – I called it my skunk look. I loved my red hair when I colored it – it felt like me. But, last year at 57, I decided that I wanted a perm and couldn’t do both. I chose the perm. Fortunately, the perm lightened up the red to strawberry blond and the whte stripe blended a bit more. It took another perm to pretty much take the rest of the color out, along with a few hair cuts – now I have the very bright white silver top part and grey underneath and it blends beautifully. I love it. Work with a stylist who is open to your needs and not theirs – so many of them will attempt to talk you out of going grey and say things like “Don’t you want to look younger? ” or “You’ll look so old.” Find someone else.

    Anne Kreamer wrote a book about going gray – I think that’s the title. I read an except on Alternet – but haven’t read the book. It’s one of those future reads…

  47. my mom is just now letting her grey grow out at 61. the way she handled it is by having highlights of various blond shades put in and then had her hair layered all over, that way grey will just blend in as it grows.

    whenever i picture myself as an older woman i imagine ill have a short grey pixie cut and ill wear men’s dress shirts and jeans, like a woman in a pharmaceutical advertisement, smiling and laughing outside in the sun. but, right now at almost 27 i have hot pink and black hair, so ill probably be 50 with a neon green mohawk.

  48. People ask me if I’ve lightened it, and I just wanna giggle–nooo, fooled
    you with my new WHITE hair!

    I keep trying to convince my husband that my gray hairs are highlights, and he just won’t believe me. Fortunately, he thinks my self-delusion is cute. 😉

    My hair doesn’t quite seem to have made up its mind about going gray. I sometimes find hairs that are white at the root, brown in the middle, and white at the end. I’m turning into a tortoiseshell.

    Unless you have just the right face for it (ie delicate features in the middle with a small head), be cautious about the pixie cut. I spent several scary years with one and was assumed to be a lesbian by one and all, because why else would I have such an ugly, unflattering haircut?

    (Answer: untreated clinical depression, but that’s another comment …)

  49. I’m waiting for the grey hair so I can experiment with dye, myself. I wrote about this here.

    I think, as a couple of people have said, you should stick to temporary dyes that will wash out till the grey has had time to grow out.

  50. I would just like to add that my husband has the beginnings of gray hair as well. Of course, he’s giving no thought to dying it.

  51. If you still want to dye your hair, but you don’t want to ruin your tub, go to a salon, but don’t pay more than $55 for a single process.

    Semi permanent dye is good too, although it’s a lot of work, since you’ll probably have to dye your hair more often.

    I think grey hair is lovely, especially salt and pepper hair. It’s a bitch to grow in, though; it looks weird until it’s even. The women in my family keep dying their hair until they’re salt and pepper all over, then have their hair dyed to match the darker color that’s still in their hair, then let it all grow in naturally.

  52. I’m 40 as well, and sort of longing to go pure white like my grandma. Mom has medium brown hair and she has lots of gray/white strands going through the whole thing. She is also growing it out and it is very curly! She is enjoying it!

    As I said before, I’m hoping for either Grandma’s pure white or the iron gray that my father’s side tends to get.

    So far though, the only gray hair I’ve found has been in my nose! Meep!

    My hair is verydark brown, so that dyeing it blue-black wasn’t all that noticeable a change. Part of my wants to put purple streaks in snow white hair when I’m a crazy old cat lady!

    What is most annoying is seeing the face starting to sag and wrinkle, and yet still getting pimples!

  53. Hmm. I passed the 40 divide not too long ago and this is when I started to dye my hair! My hair colour is chestnut which really doesn’t go well with the gray that started appearing about a year ago. So I’ve begun to use body art quality henna (as already mentioned in this thread) to keep the color for a bit longer. I’d also like to just dye it all silver when it IS mostly silver 😉 I do know how it will turn out, because I have the same hair as my grandmother and she wound up with a lovely head of platinum gray. But not till she was about 60 (!).

    Hair aside, I’ve hugely enjoyed being over 40. The stupid pressure to Look Gorgeous is *gone*, people don’t question my eccentricities anymore, and I’ve actually caught younger men being intimidated by me. Which is just — wow — an incredibly different experience. (And I was a “cute young girl” when I was younger, so I was always incredibly patronized.) It’s great.

  54. But am I too old for my clothes? I wear anime T-shirts wherever I go, unless it’s a wedding or something — not because I want to look like I’m into what the kids are but because I like them. But I worry about the message it sends. “I’m hip, even though I’m so old I use words like hip.”

    I’m 49. I’m not doing the “dress appropriate for your age” thing – that’s just one more societally-driven expectation put on people as they get older. I shop at Delia’s, wear low-rise jeans, and color my hair, in my “middle age”. So what?

    Although, I admit, that as I look about ten years younger, I can get away with it. Plus, I work at a small liberal-arts college, where they’re not hung up on one having to have a certain “professional appearance” to be respected for one’s skills.

  55. My girlfriend is of Italian descent and has awesome black and silver streaks throughout her hair, which she started getting at about 25 or so. She also has a very sweet face, so it gives her authority in her still male-dominated profession. I know a 70-year-old with black and orange tiger stripes, totally conservative 50-year-old with silver bobs, 40-year-olds hanging onto their red hair and everything in between. Me? I’m 33 with natural motley hair (ranging from fine blonde at the top to thick black hair at my neck) which evens out to mid-brown with no apparent grey, though I doubt I’d spot it if there was any!

  56. I remember being in high school the first time someone pointed out that I had grey hair. I have dark red-brown hair, so it really pops. I’ve always found it more amusing than anything else, especially when people tell me I’m ‘too young’ to have that much grey. Apparently not, since I’ve had grey since I was in my late teens and now I’m 29. 🙂 I’ve also worn bifocals since I was about 12 years old, so most age things like grey and creaky joints don’t faze me much.

    Do whatever makes you feel good about yourself. If it’s grey, if it’s dyed, it’s it’s a neon pink mohawk, go for it. It’s your body, your hair, your life.

  57. My friends and I love the the invisibility of being over forty…we call ourselves urban ninjas since we are invisible to all…a total relief imho.

  58. I had to go several months without dying my hair, following broken ribs from a car accident, which made it impossible for me to lean back at my hair stylists to get it dyed.
    So I decided I might as well see what my grey hair looked like — I reasoned that I could always go back to dying it if I didn’t like it.
    My stylist was able to treat my hair to fade some of the colour out of it, so this made the “line” a little less distinct. A feathery cut with lots of layers also made the line a little less abrupt.

  59. I’m with you zuzu, i can’t tolerate a big stripe of roots, whether it’s grey or some other color obviously not close to the rest of the hair. I’m adding my voice to the chorus of those saying this is the time to splurge on a professional, just once maybe is all you’ll need, and I also suggest cutting it as short as you possibly can tolerate it so the ratio of roots to hair is less, then getting something semi-permanent that will wash out; you can redo the semipermanent as needed yourself once you’ve got a cut and color you like, and keep going back for trims and before you know it all the dye should be gone and you’ll be left with your natural hair. which i know will look FABULOUS (or fierce, for you project runway fans).

  60. At 20, I may seem out of the normal age range of the responders here, but I, too, have a strong opinion about going gray.
    Absolutely do it! I wish I had women around me strong enough to do it themselves. My mother has been dyeing since before I can remember, and in the last few years has become really gray. She briefly considered letting it grow out. When discussing it with my grandmother, she was met with one clear statement: “Don’t you dare.” I was so disappointed. I understand, of course, as my mother’s gray would give her own away, and she embraces an era when women’s place is to cook, clean, and primp. I can only hope that when I become silver, I won’t be met with the same response. That’d be a shame, as I aspire to become a non-dyer someday, without qualms.
    How to go about the transition? If you opt to forego the “punk-rock” look as someone else has called it (which I agree, might be kind of cool), get a demi-permanent dye. (This might be worth going to a stylist. Paul Mitchell has a great demi line, and is available at Custom Cuts now.) You can keep it similar to your base, or do a little lighter. It’s translucent, so it will blend the gray with the rest of the color and fade in 4-6 weeks. If your gray still isn’t long enough by then, I suggest going slightly lighter than before (as it’s closer to the gray color). It might be a long process, but eventually it will all fade.
    I would love to see pictures of your new gray ‘do, if ever it comes to fruition. The more women with gray in this country, the better we are for it, imho. Younger women need to see that it is possible to embrace aging, rather than just botoxing it away.

  61. I love this post and all the comments!

    My advice is yes, go to a stylist! And if you can eventually use pure henna, I would do that because it’s actually great for your hair. And don’t use dye if you don’t have to. Grey hair can be very beautiful.

    My mother started going grey at 18! She colored her hair until she was in her late 40s and now has the most gorgeous, shiny, platinum/silver hair I’ve ever seen. It helps that she looks younger than her current 60 because she has good skin.

    I inherited my mom’s great skin (never thought I’d be glad to have oily skin). Thusly, I look much younger than the 37 I’m turning this year. However, after coloring my hair various shades, starting at about 24, I never knew how much grey I actually had until, like you, I couldn’t color it for a few months. YIKES.

    Not quite salt and pepper but close. So I still color it. I’m vain, I know, but here’s the thing: I don’t want people to say, “Wow, she looks great for 45!” I know that sounds stupid but that’s the honest truth.

    I’ll see how it goes and then maybe by my early 40s I’ll be ready to stop coloring it.

  62. Right about the time when I got to the stage of being fed up with the process of keeping up with dyed hair was when the gray really started coming in at a couple of spots. I also was running a lot, and tired of fussing with the ponytail. So I took a picture of Annie Lennox to my hairdresser and said “do it.” She tried to talk me out of it, but did it anyway. It was great. The easiest haircut I’ve ever had, and it showed off my incoming skunk stripes very nicely. The other good thing about a really short haircut is that you can maintain it yourself, with snips here and there, and it looks spiky and fun, because otherwise short hair is as time consuming as a dye job, if you have it done by a hairdresser.

  63. I’m new to 40 (in and out of being depressed about it). I have to say I’m still trying to look young. I work with young people, my hair is barely turning gray, and I have a young body type (if that even makes sense). The wrinkles on the other hand… I don’t know how to do this gracefully because I have depended on that extra boost (sometimes without knowing it) of fitting some conventions to get jobs etc. It is painful to recognize it and ultimately feel like my strength and experience can not replace those things.

    I dunno, try the ultra short. it could be fun.

  64. I say dye it all that perfect gray and then let it grow.

    Then again, I’m 21 so what do I know?

  65. I noticed my first gray when i was 15 or so, which was also when I started dying my hair. I recently decided to stop dying it and let the little grays in (I’m 23 now). I find them a bit endearing. I say find a way to keep the gray but I also have a personal bias.

    Also I think there is a gray enhancing dye out there somewhere. I recall a young man at work recounting how he tried to dye his gray but it did not pan out so well for him.

  66. Dude, I can’t wait to have greying hair. My boyfriend has flecks of white and grey all over his head, including a distinguished patch of silver left of the middle of the back of his head. I am envious.

    I hate the idea that that’s somehow unattractive. What a ridiculous idea. Nothing could be more beautiful than white highlights.

    Of course, neither of my parents have any grey yet at all. It’s going to be a while.

  67. I’ve been going grey since I was 16. At 45 it’s still just the top and it’s iron grey mixed in with my dark brown. The back of my head is still all dark brown.

    When it comes in white, which I think is cool, I’ll stop coloring to see if I really like it. Right now I choose whatever color floats my boat that hair appointment. Right now it’s bright fiery red with blond highlights. Essentially I get 3-4 different colors because the dyes take differently to my original color and the grey. I like it.

    I’ve been just about every color of the spectrum. For me it’s a mood thing. Always has been. I like different colors. Static is not my thing. Never has been. LOL!

  68. Speaking as someone who has male pattern baldness, has to be very careful with hair dye lest my remaining hair break off, and has learned to do a lot with hairpieces, wigs, scarves, and hats (fortunately, I have a good hat head), I can tell you a couple of things: 1) Wig shops are your friend if you want to try on lots of different styles and colors and see what you like, and maybe even acquire a few different looks you can switch back and forth with depending on mood — yes, they even have wigs and hairpieces that are gray or partially gray if you want to see how that looks on you; and 2) a top piece is much cooler (temperature wise) than a full wig and will do a good job of transitioning when you’re letting roots grow out. (You can also get some neat two-tone effects from them if you like.) Hairstylists (sometimes they work at the wig shops too) can also help style your hair to blend it with the piece, and can even style the piece if it’s made of human hair.

    My mom, FWIW, is 65 this year. She stopped dyeing her hair and let all her gray grow in, and it looks great. Salt and pepper is cool.

  69. I’ll be forty this year too. New Year’s Eve, the fire works were going off and I blurted out, “OH my God, I’ll be forty this year!”

    I like the way you explained that you wouldn’t mind GRAY hair, but not graying hair. True for me too, but I’d never been able to put that into words. I think just a few grays here and there isn’t something I would like, but lots of gray is something I would like. I’ll keep coloring for now, mostly because anytime I’ve tried stopping the top part ends up looking so terrible that I break down and recolor it. The temporary dye is what I need to go with until all of the permanent is cut away, I guess, but those are more expensive than the permanent I’m currently using.

    Great ideas here. Thanks everyone. And happy fortieth to my fellow 68ers.

  70. wow! I still have to wade through a lot of answers but I found this whole discussion fascinating!

    the one quibble I have is what I perceive as the overall view i see here equating dying your hair is somehow a betrayal of feminism? What is WRONG with wanting to look great at any age? That is sort of a reverse prejudice!

    I dye my hair becuase I like to change my look occasionally – I range from a chestnut to a bright red – my natural colour is somewhere in between – and although almost 52, grey isn’t an issue – I have the odd hair and that is it. My ma who is 83 has one streak of grey in her bangs, the rest is a rich, beautiful auburn AND when she was 72 she decided to grow her hair and it is now down to her waist! From the back she looks 17 LOL

    I used to struggle with the whole “mutton dressed like lamb” thing then came to undertand that whatever I like to wear, whatever I feel good in is OK – becuae that is my choice.

    I see myself as a sexual, vibrant, intelligent woman and the outward appearance reflects that (I hope).

    Ultimately it is only HAIR – that means try something – even something radical – the bottom line is if it is a cut- it will grow – if it is a colour (or lack thereof) it can be changed!

    Try various things and THEN see how YOU feel about each creation! You’ll know when you are comfortable and feeling good in your skin!

  71. I would personally dye it all grey, like others are saying. But if you’re looking to actually go natural, I have a friend in her forties who asked about this recently. Her stylist told her that what most women do if they want to go to their natural gray color is to gradually dye lighter and lighter, and then switch to light highlights so the gray starts to show through, and then stop dyeing all together. That way, you don’t just show up one day and have everyone gawk at you because of the sudden change (unless, of course, you’re looking for a big reaction!), and you can avoid the skunk look.

  72. the one quibble I have is what I perceive as the overall view i see here equating dying your hair is somehow a betrayal of feminism? What is WRONG with wanting to look great at any age? That is sort of a reverse prejudice!

    Nobody’s said dyeing your hair is a betrayal of feminism. However, we are under a lot of pressure to “look great at any age,” with the assumption that gray = old, and old = bad, and therefore gray = bad.

    Thanks for all the suggestions. I think I’ll make an appointment with a colorist to see what to do, but I’m thinking that either I’ll have to dye/foil everything to go lighter, or strip out the color and see what’s under there. I’m still having a little bit of a hard time seeing the actual color of my roots, what with their being on the top of my head and all.

  73. 53 here and still coloring. I know I’m going gray under that light ash blond but since not one of my female relatives has allowed their gray to show, I don’t know how it’ll look.

  74. I’m trying to get back to my natural color. Which so far involves picking up a likely candidate at the drugstore, dying my hair, and finding out I was wrong again as the roots grow in. In my defense, the color changed on me somewhere in the last decade, and no one makes a ‘mouse brown’ hair dye. It’s all ‘latte’, ‘mochachino’, Starbucks skinny vente grande w/ nutmeg sprinkles…and I wander off looking for a caffeine fix…I’m pro-gray though. My own grays epitomize the term ‘color-resistant’, which makes me very happy. Just a light sprinkling so far, but coarse gray stands out surprisingly well from fine blonde/brown/something hair…

    If you want a somewhat graceful transition, having a stylist blend the color somehow is probably your best bet. I seem to remember something about Clorox bleach graying hair, but that would seem to have a high likelihood of catastrophic results…or just go short, if that’s doable for you.

  75. Hell, I’m only seventeen and I have a big ol gray streak unless I dye my hair or pull the hairs out one by one. It’s terrible. On the plus side – it’s cheaper than a Fake ID!!

  76. go gray! i used to dye my hair all over junior high and high school, and part of university, about once or twice a year. sometimes thrice, when i was too bored or too horrified. in november, i found a gray hair. i love it so so much, it’s probably my favourite body part. it sort of shows wisdom and experience. since then, i haven’t dyed my hair again and i never will. i’m 21, going on 22 next month. when i’m about your age (happy belated birthday, by the way!) and go full gray, it’s going to be wonderful! so yes. go gray. it’s gorgeous. susan sontag was gray and beautiful, why not you?

  77. I love my grey hair; it’s sparkly and unruly and quite striking, if I do say so myself. But I had a lot of time to get used to it — I got the first grey hairs (in my very dark chestnut brown hair) when I was in my late teens early twenties. I’ll be 44 next month.

    I’d generally worn it long, but the grey started coming in faster when I hit forty, so I cut it pretty short to kind of even things. The short hair was harder to get used to than the grey, but I really really like that too. It’s still more or less ‘salt & pepper’ but getting saltier. My paternal grandmother had gorgeous, thick, sparkly silver and white hair, which showed a few black streaks up the back when pinned up. I aspire to this.

    My maternal grandmother, on the other hand, covered her thin, permed white hair with that crazy blue rinse. Kind of periwinkle-sliver. She said she wasn’t old enough to have white hair (she was about 90 when she said that). On her deathbed (seriously, in Hospice), she woke up one afternoon from a nap, looked at me in horror and said ‘god in heaven your hairs are grey.’ I said I was aware of this, and she said, ‘you should do something about them.’ That was the last coherent thing she said directly to me personally, though she did have these oddly lucid and precise (and very brief) conversations with everyone who came to see her those last few days.

    I never did make any attempt to cover the grey, and I will admit that at first it was partly to annoy my mother who dyes hers and likes to claim that she is not old enough to have a grey-haired daughter.

    I do find that having grey hair gives me a certain authority I didn’t used to have, and I can wear colors that I never used to even consider wearing.

    I say cut it as short as you can, adjust color as needed, and go for it!

  78. I got my first gray hair when I was 23. Since then, I’ve plucked, experimented with dye, henna, tipping, highlighting and just letting the shit grow. I’m 45 now and I’ve settled with just letting the shit grow. 🙂

    I’m lucky; I have very dark hair and my gray is actually a very nice, clean white. It’s mainly a large streak on my widow’s peak and also at my temples. I’m actually quite distinguished-looking.

    So, long-story-short, I’m embracing the gray, and proud of it.

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  81. Do not do what I did. 8/20/07 I had my hairdresser color my hair platinum because I was sure my hair was white. She ended up bleaching all color out of my hair, turning it to straw with ugly shades of orange/yellow. It has taken months for that damaged hair to grow out. I actually do have white hair with dark and silver in the back. People either love it or hate it. There is no neutral reactions. My 17 year old daughter does not like that it is 3 different colors, my mother-in-law in her 70’s, who still colors her hair, does not like it and an old friend who does not have gray hair says it makes me look older. When you are 52 and vain you want to look good, not older. I still am not convinced that it makes me look older. I think its a personal sterotype that people with white hair are older. The fact my mother-in-law does not like it makes me want to leave it alone! I do think if you let your hair be natural you need to have a great cut, wear make-up and dress well, otherwise you look dowdy

  82. Been coloring for 12 years, decided in Feb. 08 to go gray cold turkey. I’m 51 and about 90% gray naturally. I have about 1.5″ inches of gray next to dark chocolate brown right now. Doesn’t look too bad actually. I used Roux Fanci Full rinse at first for the part; now I rarely put that in. My hair is lightening where the dye is still at, and so it blends okay. Not great, but okay. People have said if theirs would gray like mine, they’d do it. So I suppose that means I am not too ugly going cold turkey. I love not having to color it, and it’s silky and my gray is silver, not brassy. So I suppose I’m blessed. I do get called “Mrs. LePew” at work, but it’s all in good fun. I don’t really care. Once it gets all grown out, I’m keeping my long layered cut and I guarantee folks will be envious of it. I have thick hair by nature. I’m too old to keep up the facade, so best of luck to those of you who decide to do this. I know I cannot wear yellow and some shades of green, etc. once it has grown out. Sad. Yellow is my favorite, then green is next. But that is okay. It’s not worth the hassle just to wear those colors. I will also have to make sure I have some color on my face. And NO washed out clothing colors; reds and purples and bright blues, which I hate. But I’m still doing it.

  83. While I personally do not like seeing my hair go white, my dad’s hair went white very early and I’ve always thought he looked great. But then again he’s a guy. It might be the best idea to actually consult your hairdresser on the best look for yourself, whether your hair ends up dyed or not? What would he or she suggest?

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