In defense of the sanctimonious women's studies set || First feminist blog on the internet

Abstinence-Only Driver’s Ed

Jill

abstinence

So good.

Please note the other poster, above the door there: DON’T WANT TO DIE? DON’T TRY TO DRIVE. It’s just that simple.

Fear not, kids: there’s a time in your life when driving a car will cease to be an evil and disgusting shame-riddled experience. That happens after you’re married. My husband got me a Corvette for our anniversary. How sweet is that? And take it from ME: NO premarital driving could ever have felt as good as the driving my husband and I do together.

…

And for those of you wondering if it’s OK for you to learn to drive because you’re gay and can’t get legally married, well, don’t worry your troubled minds about that, because there’s no driving where YOU’RE headed. Everyone in Greenwich Village takes the subway.

Just say no, kids. JUST SAY NO.

11 thoughts on Abstinence-Only Driver’s Ed

  1. Awesome! About time someone took the virginal-purity-is-like-behind-the-wheel-of-car analogy and ran all the way with it.

  3. So then taxi drivers must be the scum of our morally-righteous society? And bus drivers? Getting paid to drive several people at once! For shame!

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  6. Don’t stop there Willygus! Not only must we remove the airbags, but all drivers must be instructed to never EVER touch the emergency brake lever! It can cause blindness and other ailments. When careening down a hill and your brakes fail; think nice calming thoughts, the temptation will soon go away, I guarantee it.

    Of course if you have an accident, the best course of action is to stay in the vehicle and continue to plow through the other car/barrier or whatever until some other outside barrier forces you to stop, or you run out of gas or the car blows up.

    Oh and don’t expect anyone to feel sympathy for you if you kill or maim yourself or someone obeying our driving rules; you shouldn’t have been driving anyway and therefore you deserved your fate.

  8. Also never, ever get your car checked up until you get married. God forbid you know whether the car’s brake pads are worn down or you’re out of wiper fluid when you finally attempt driving. Once you spend time, energy, and money in cars before you’re married, you’ll be tempted to use them. Those who drive before marriage deserve worn-out brakes and dirty windshields.

  9. I love this analogy, but the flip-side of this idea is pretty gross.
    Namely, practical, hands-on sex education with a teacher out in the parking lot surrounded by your peers and traffic cones.

    Surely someone has already done that as a skit? The lines write themselves.
    “Now gently raise your left foot until you feel the friction-point. Easy does it! Slow down your revs a little…”

    I was embarrassed enough just sitting in that dorky learner-car.
    (It was a Hyundai!)

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