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Can I have Frank’s job?

Jill

I harbor a not-so-secret love for Times restaurant critic Frank Bruni. I was thrilled when he reviewed Max Brenner’s, a ridiculous chain hell-hole that moved onto my street last year. But I think Bruni may have topped himself when he took on Cipriani, an insanely over-priced tourist trap that, in Bruni’s words, “exists to affirm its patrons’ ability to throw away money.” And yet they’re offensively cheap about it:

Even in an enclave this expensive, there are things seemingly done on the cheap. I can’t think of a credible motive other than cost saving for serving an appetizer of turkey tonnato in place of veal tonnato. That’s for $27.95.

Although steak Rossini typically involves foie gras, what Harry Cipriani puts on top of a gigantic (and, it should be noted, juicy) filet mignon are chicken livers, chalky when I had them. That’s for $55.95.

I’ve never eaten at Cipriani. I’ve never had any desire to eat there, and I’ve actually only ever known one person in New York who has ever been there, and I’m pretty sure he just had drinks. But I’m glad it exists, simply because there are few things more pleasurable than watching Bruni rip apart a restaurant this thoroughly:

But the people-watching is nonpareil. You rarely see blondness this improbable, cosmetology this transparent, wealth this flamboyantly misspent.

And while that isn’t cause enough to visit Harry Cipriani, it’s consolation if you must.

If you do happen to visit (or live in) New York and you’d rather avoid getting suckered by $40 overcooked spaghetti, check out Bruni’s list of some of the best, simple eats of the year. I will strongly second Momofuku (the Ssam bar and the noodle bar), and put in a great word for dell’Anima — I went there last week and it was incredible. Can I just drop out of law school and be Frank Bruni for a living?

22 thoughts on Can I have Frank’s job?

  1. Jill, there are a lot of reasons why you don’t want to be Frank Bruni, such as his deeply shallow former career as political reporter. Search the Daily Howler for details. He can certainly craft a sentence dripping with venom, though. This might be a duplicate comment because looks like yous are making some changes around here.

  2. PP is correct: Bruni is pretty loathsome, but thankfully he’s selling his wares, such as they are, in a perfectly harmless medium. And he can skewer with the best of them.

    Rather than, say, getting regressively worse, he may have found his calling: aiming his venom at overpriced and underperforming restaurants, rather than at political personalities he finds unacceptable.

  3. I’ve never eaten at Cipriani. I’ve never had any desire to eat there, and I’ve actually only ever known one person in New York who has ever been there, and I’m pretty sure he just had drinks.

    I’ve eaten at Ciprinai downtown (Soho). It’s overpriced but I don’t recall being disappointed, though I don’t recall the food at all.

    The place is loaded with bombshells, so one must be careful not to explode. The lighting’s great and the atmosphere is golden candle warm. Antonio Banderas, Naomi Campbell, and a famous rapper who no one knew were there one Sunday night when I was just having drinks, though they were not together. I wouldn’t describe it as touristy, rather authentic superficial NY euro rich supermodel sex and the city like. Good times.

    Oh i used to have drinks at the cipriani in grand central station. they make a helluva manhattan.

    If one wants an expensive Italian restaurant where the food really challenges, than I’d recommend babbo; though I saw Clinton there once so it must be a pick pick up joint too. Bill, that is.

  4. Though it wouldn’t explain the outrageous prices, is there any chance that the restaurant substituted for the veal and the foie gras because they’re two of the most cruelly produced animal products around? Even most of the meat lovers in my life won’t touch those, and I can’t help wondering if their absence from the menu has something to do with the increasing prevalence of that attitude.

  6. This is a hotel restaurant, right? In the Sherry? So it must be a haven for wealthy tourists who don’t want to scuff the bottoms of their Choos walking to a real restaurant. Do locals actually go there?

  7. Upside: The very first Pulitzer for food writing was just awarded last year. So, the art of the food review is gaining status.

    Downside: Most small newspapers don’t reimburse their food critic’s meals.

  8. Frank has in the last year or so definitely started culturing his persona as puncturer of pretense, but it is a difficult position when also expounding on 400 dollar a person sushi or what not. I think being a food critic is perfect for him because he is the actual arbiter of goodness and taste instead of doing it surreptitiously under a veneer of supposed objectivity. I enjoyed his cross-country road trip through fast-food places, but do I need Frank Bruni to validate my love of Sonic Tater Tots? I hope not. I like this new turn from him, but I suspect the restaurant industry is going to downscale big time with the coming recession, so he might be trying to scoop the new trends.

  9. I’ve been to Cipriani. A client took me. I tried my subtle best to suggest something that wasn’t an unpleasant waste of money, but he has no taste. (Hey, if you’re going to waste money in NY, there are many, many opportunities that are at least enjoyable.) I had a mushroom risotto, which was, I think. ~$45 (I wasn’t paying, so I don’t remember). It wasn’t quite like eating savory gummy-bear pellets in luke warm goo, but the comparison did cross my mind. At least that night, the service didn’t actually suck, so there I’ll differ with the review.

    But Hungry Jesus on the half shell, halve the cost, spend twice as much on the cooks, buy some decent ingredients (I get far superior raw materials retail, at Garden of Eden – isn’t the supply chain expertise part of why one goes to a nice restaurant?), and maybe I’d try again some day. Doubtful, but maybe.

  12. Cipriani also plays host to a lot of red-carpet kinds of events. I used to pass the Wall Street one pretty regularly, and there was always some event going on involving photographers and press passes. Particularly amusing when the street in front was all torn up.

  13. One of the joys of living in/near a tickturd of a city like Baltimore is that one is likely to be disappointed in one’s dinner, but cheaply. My hometown has one of the lowest rates of dining out in the nation. Staten Island is looking down its culinary nose at us.

  15. Good to know….though I rarely dine out at places where the check rarely maxes out above $20 per person.

    One of the great things about dining in NYC is that if you really know the area well, you can have wonderful tasty meals without having to take out a ridiculous loan as the prices at Cipriani’s would indicate. Of course, this depends on whether your objective is enjoying a good meal….or being ostentatious. 🙂

  16. Yeah, but you have all those crabs.

    Never been to Baltimore, but I’m on board for the crabs… The only thing I like about Delaware is the crab shacks, where $20 will buy a huge bag full of the beasts and approximately a metric assload of Old Bay.

  17. I saw “Ratatouille” for the first time on Christmas Day — Moms loves the Pixar movies, so she gets at least one every Christmas — and now the mere mention of a food critic conjures up an image of a tall, skinny, death-warmed-over-looking fellow with hatred in his eyes and Peter O’Toole’s voice.

    That said, as someone whose monthly budget basically leaves the Macaroni Grille as about the fanciest place I can afford to eat out, I’ve never had much need for restaurant critics. That said, I’d love to take Frank Bruni to Hooters.

  18. Bruce, I’m with you on the culinary benefits of living in a tickturd of a city, although I live in Detroit, not Baltimore (but I love Baltimore. It’s the only city I would ever consider moving to). Even at the hippest place in town you can still eat a meal for under $15.
    New Yorkers baffle me.

  19. That said, I’d love to take Frank Bruni to Hooters.

    He’s already done a review of the Penthouse strip club/steakhouse.

  20. He’s already done a review of the Penthouse strip club/steakhouse.

    I’ve been there! Great steak! Charred black on the outside and dead-ass rare in the middle. Perfect. It’s not as aged, and therefore not as gamey, as Peter Lugers, but that’s OK as excessive gaminess is an acquired taste prevalent among the anti-Bakersville secular progressive sophisticates like Jill. So its a great sophisticated steak that would still be palpable to mom and dad when they come into town.

    As for the strippers, they seemed kinda sophisticated. Not many big silocone boobs. The one I was speaking with called herself Nico so I called her Sweet Jane. I think they’re all feminists.

  21. Even at the hippest place in town you can still eat a meal for under $15.
    New Yorkers baffle me.

    Annalouise,

    Not all New Yorkers are inclined or financially able to dine out regularly at restaurants where the average meal is $15/person….much less $20+/person. The main target audience of culinary reviews in the NYT and other comparable news publications tend to be overwhelmingly upper/upper-middle class with more leisure time and money to burn than most people I’ve knew before college.

  22. Jill, why do you hate Nic Cage so much? When he sells out, you get “Ghost Rider,” and “National Treasure,” but when he’s on, you get “Adaptation” and “The Weather Man” and “Lord of War.” I had no idea how awesome it is to be a gun runner until I saw that movie!

    Why not hate someone like Dane Cook or Jimmy Fallon or Carson Daly or Ryan Seacrest? Those guys can’t suck in air without being annoying.

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