In defense of the sanctimonious women's studies set || First feminist blog on the internet

A Christmas Pussy Carol

zuzu

We have a talented and funny commentariat here at Feministe, as evidenced by the comments here in the Feministe’s Next Top Troll thread. One concept I’d like to pick up from that thread is the Christmas Pussy carol that got started with micheyd’s comment: “Fiiiiiive golden Nuvarings!” and went from there.

It’s not finished, though. We need your help filling in the blanks. So I ask for your assistance in completing “The Twelve Days of Christmas Pussy.”

Sing along, won’t you?

On the twelfth day of Christmas, my pussy gave to me…

Twelve Nice Guys™ whining,
Eleven spinsters weeping,
Ten hairy armpits,
Nine tampons dripping,
Eight abortions and counting,
Seven bras a-burning,
Six knotted assrags,
Fiiiiive Nuvarings!
Four lying sluts
Three strap-ons,
Two flannel shirts
And a cat sleeping in the bed with me!

Lines should scan to the original (lyrics here, should you have forgotten), which is why I altered the Nuvarings and omitted Lauren’s Nine tabby cats line. Though cats, of course, must make an appearance. No bitter, lonely feminist would be caught dead without one, after all.

UPDATE: I’ve filled in the blanks with your suggestions, but don’t let that stop you — we can have an alternate version as well.

UPDATE 2: Roxie’s recorded a demo (Quicktime).

73 thoughts on A Christmas Pussy Carol

  4. Four vibrators?

    Abortions and counting doesn’t scan though – how about “eight abortion clinics.”

  5. Well sadly, yeast infections have to go in there somewhere. I vote for three.

    I also want to say “four screaming orgasms” but “orgasms’ is a syllable too long. It WOULD fit into the first slot . . . An orgasm in a ?

    Oh! What about four vibrating dildos?

  8. Alecto, Tabby cats definitely fits on the second day…but are TWO cats really enough? How about 8?

    Someone needs to check with the trolls.

    We need a big empty bed, but I can’t think of where to put it.

  10. Oh my god, I’ve started a meme! Tears of joy are in my slutty, cat-loving eyes 🙂

    Since I have already made my contribution, I will second Hugo’s excellent one.

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  18. Once this is completed, somebody has to shoot a video of a chorus singing this lovely carol and get it up on YouTube in time for the holidays.

  21. Once this is completed, somebody has to shoot a video of a chorus singing this lovely carol and get it up on YouTube in time for the holidays.

    Oh, hell yes.

  24. “Two flannel shirts” has a nice ring to it–it’s on the par with hiking boots, but has a more music lilt.

    And maybe “Eleven spinsters weeping.” ‘Cause none of us all is ever gonna find a man.

  30. “Eleven spinsters weeping.”

    I. can’t. stop. laughing!

    Especially paired with the “Four lying sluts,” as we feminists are both hairy armpitted Madonna and Whore all wrapped up in flannel and shod in hiking boots. With extra batteries for the vibrators, of course.

  32. I love it, but the last line doesn’t quite scan. A cat in the bed with me (leave out “sleeping”) would do it if I’ve counted syllables correctly.

  33. I think the last line would scan much better if it was “and all my cats in bed with me” — and then we are not limited to only one cat, because surely a true feminist would have too many to count!

  35. Instead of considering it complete, we can do incremental improvement, by voting on contested lines. I won’t be offended, for instance, if anybody trumps my suggestions.

  39. Yes, but “nine black-robed judges” doesn’t say what they’re doing, which is, of course, usurping the will of the people by interpreting laws in their evil librul ways and undermining democracy.

  40. Once this is completed, somebody has to shoot a video of a chorus singing this lovely carol and get it up on YouTube in time for the holidays.

    You know, what we should really do is get 12 feminist bloggers to sing one line each. Then, montage.

  43. Ok, I just finished v-recording the whole thing on my phone’s mic. I do agree the “eight abortion clinics” does fit just a bit better.

    The link to my recording is in my nick. (it is quicktime)

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  48. Oh Roxie! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (wipes tears) I howled every time you trilled “5 Nuva riiiiiings!” Every. Time. Oh, it’s priceless.

  49. Some suggestions:

    I’d say “Six balls for busting” because you know, we feminists want to do the busting ourselves, we don’t want the already busted or the self imploding.

    I also thought of “eight abortion doctors”, cause the docs are the ones spreading the horror of abortion by helping us selfish women splurge our wombs.

    and my other alternative: “two Birkenstocks”, cause even though I don’t wear ’em, if we’re sticking to stereotypes, that really is classic.

    Oh how I wish I knew a feminist chorus somewhere! Hey, that’s kinda a neat idea anyway.

  50. Twelve Rabbits humming,
    Eleven gripers griping,
    Ten Keepers keeping,
    Nine judges judging,
    Eight cocks a-shrinking,
    Seven fundies praying,
    Six lawyers winning,
    Five MRAs
    Four fightin’ words,
    Three mad men,
    Two lady loves,
    And an IUD insida me

  54. Holy crap. Roxie, I love you forever and a day. I can’t get over the CHEERINESS of it! It makes me want to go caroling in…I don’t know, the boonies of Mississippi or something.

  55. Christmas carols? But it’s not even Halloween yet! Ahhh!

    I know. But I’ve already seen Christmas stuff in the shops, so I think we’re on the bleeding edge of the season. Plus, it gives us time to find a choir and rehearse the various versions that will come out of this.

  57. I haven’t laughed so much at a thread since Pandagon’s FACK-yew post. Thanks everyone!

    (I tried to find the above-mentioned Pandagon thread, but to no avail.)

  61. Christmas Pussy – n. Comes once a year and only if you’re a really good boy

    [Tony, Toni, Toné. You overstate your importance to this blog. But really, if you can’t make a woman come more than once a year, you’ve really got to work on your skills. — Z.]

    [PS — Don’t know how you got past the modbot, but you’re banned.]

    [PPS — Yes, again.]

  62. Dang, I take a day off to enjoy October sun in Seattle and something as precious as this pops up! Nice job, folks, and terrific job, Roxie!

  63. I’m astounded nobody has yet suggested “The Twelve Days of Cunt-mas” for the song’s title. Well, consider it proposed. I don’t especially love the word “cunt” (yeah, I know there’s a whole other dialogue to be had there), but in this case…

    This thread is cracking me up so bad.

  64. Classic. Better than the original, even. Just don’t do what I did and listen to the demo with loudspeakers on when there are unuspecting people in the room. 😀

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  69. oh god…listened to the demo….six knotted assrags……can’t stop laughing….can’t breathe…..AHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

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