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“Those” children

Jill

There’s an incredibly powerful piece in the LA Times about a couple adopting an autistic son, and the reactions that they’ve received — Why don’t they have their own children? Did they try IVF? Could they not get a healthy white baby? They really must be saints.

Go read the whole thing, because I really cannot do it justice.

52 thoughts on “Those” children

  1. That really was incredibly moving.

    I don’t care if they’re annoyed by the “They must be saints” thing. I can’t help thinking of them that way anyway.

  3. “Wouldn’t that be better than adopting a child with a disability?” she asked, drawing out the word “disability.” “God knows what that kid’s parents were doing when they conceived him.”

    Uh, they were probably having sex, you moron. What the hell was this coworker thinking? That autistic children are conceived in some abnormal way, like the parents must have been having sex in a toxic waste plant or a satanic ritual? The mind boggles at how stupid and offensive this is.

    I have to say, it was heartbreaking to read the stuff that kid wrote on his computer.

  4. I’m autistic, so I’m glad to see that the parents are willing to adopt a child with such difficulties anyways.

  5. Holly — yeah. I might have rejoined with “What do you think your parents were doing when you were conceived?” It’s amazing how people really do think that the particulars of the act of conception (did the couple love one another, were they drunk, was it rape) is somehow going to magically influence the behavior of the child beyond how it’s reared.

  6. As the mother of a really terrific, silly, loving, intelligent, beautiful and autistic 9 year old daughter, this HITS HARD. I know exactly what my husband and I were doing when she was conceived- what a slap in the face that assinine statement is!

    Such incredible ignorance and idiocy exists in our society some days… these jerks are to be pitied more than anything else.

    And having seen first hand the love and care our daughter and her classmates have received from their teachers over the past 4 years, I can see how the parents in this article would fall in love with this kiddo and want to raise him themselves.

    Some of my daughter’s classmates are severely autistic- I’ve seen these kids have good days and bad. THE GOOD DAYS MAKE UP FOR THE DIFFICULT DAYS, every time. And every time one of her pals reaches out to me for a hug, to say hello, for help or assistance, or just to communicate- I give it and all of the understanding, friendship and support I can. THAT is what these morons should be offering these parents- and if they can’t do that, they should be human enough to keep their damned stupid mouths SHUT as not to expose their ignorance.

  7. That was very moving. Also, Louise, thanks for sharing your experiences too. I’m sorry some people can be such assholes.

  8. My older son has autism. He used to have some serious meltdowns in public (in response to sensory overload, which he’s able to handle more as he gets older). People felt entitled to make ridiculous comments about how I should spank him, or how awful he was, or whatever. I had friends that would hand out little cards that said things like… “We’d like to thank you for your concern. We are making every attempt to allow our child, who is affected by Autism, to experience every day activities that others may take for granted,” but I had trouble being so polite about it and finally got him a t-shirt that said, “I have autism, what’s your excuse?”

    People can say the stupidest things. When my second son was born, someone actually said, “oh maybe this one will be normal”. Ouch.

    I also got the crap about how we must have done something wrong. They disproved the refrigerator mother theory long ago, and yet people openly speculated that my son’s autism was caused by the break up of my marriage or the fact that I was a working mother. It gets a bit tiresome.

    Incidently, the divorce rate in families with children with autism is about 80% (which is higher than with other disabilities). Its very draining on a marriage. The couple who adopted this young boy are really beating the odds… they are remarkable.

  9. Its very draining on a marriage.

    It sounds like everyone’s efforts to “help” (by spouting out advice and criticism to parents of autistic children) don’t make it any easier.

  10. Wow. So this couple adopted a child they knew already, whose life path had dragged him into foster care, and their friends and colleagues think they’re supporting this act of bravery by questioning it.

    I’d love to say that no other adoptive parents of a child with challenges ever had that experience, but sadly, what’s unusual is how articulate this man is. Not so much being in a society that is convinced only a saint or a religious nut would choose to commit to an imperfect child.

    Once you try it, you find out all children are imperfect, the ‘disabled’ ones just have their imperfections written on the outside of the box.

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  12. “Refrigerator mother” theory? Not sure I get the reference. Is that the “cold, unloving mother” crap that got tossed around a few decades ago?

    Just curious — I haven’t heard the term before.

    And yes — people can be tremendous assholes and think they are doing the virtuous thing. *sigh* Kat, I think I love the t-shirt you had made. 🙂 I’ll bet it helped deter a lot of “concerned citizens”.

  13. “Is that the “cold, unloving mother” crap that got tossed around a few decades ago?”

    Yeah. The popular theory was that it was the cause of autism and/or schizophrenia.

  15. It never ceases to amaze me how our culture can sustain, at the same time, a conviction that boys and girls are “naturally” different but that the social difficulties of children with, say, autism, are the result of improper “conditioning” by their parents.

  16. I’m haunted by something my son wrote after we taught him how to read and type on a computer: “I want you to be proud of me. I dream of that because in foster care I had no one.”

    I’m one of the coldest-hearted bastards on this planet, yet I nearly burst into tears when I read that.

    They are good people; I’m going to think that even if they’re not comfortable with others saying it.

  17. They ARE good people- simple as that. They are also good parents.

    Oh, I would have LOVED to have put that shirt on my daughter! Good one! The idiots never know about the days we grit our teeth until our jaws ache or go sit in our cars with the windows shut and scream until our ears ache…not necessarily because of the difficulties with our children but with our frustrations with the world in general.

    People just don’t understand sometimes, do they? That we get our kids to sleep FINALLY some nights, then sit up and wonder if what we’re trying to do is right for our autistic kid and our “normal” kid- we take 3rd place on the list. No child ever comes with an instruction manual and I swear sometimes that an autistic child’s manual would be in a language I had never heard of, anyways… so you just try your damnedest.

    I “got it” when my little girl, so frustrated she couldn’t do something one day, turned to me and asked, “Momma, what’s WRONG with Jean (herself)?” That stopped me dead in my tracks. I told her that NOTHING was wrong; she needed to “stop- take a deep breath- and think”, even if she needed to start over, stop for awhile, ask for help, whatever. We got that simple little gem from Blue’s Clues and I swear it has been a life saver for all 4 of us; we all use it.

    Unless experienced, you CANNOT imagine the incredible feelings of watching your disabled child struggle then accomplish a goal- their pride in themselves and joy shines out. THAT brings me to tears and humbles me.

    When we heard the 80% divorce rate stat, it scared the HELL out of us- had already had some issues in our marriage with alcoholism, money (try high-fiving each other in a parking lot because we had finally saved up enough money to GO THROUGH BANKRUPTCY!!)… but all that crap got worked out. We worked damned hard together and consider ourselves lucky to have what we have for a life together with both of our daughters.

  18. Autism was said to be caused by “refrigerator mothers” who offered inadequate affection to their children – labelled “affective freeze” in the medical literature. Excessive attachment was also cautioned against with homosexuality and gender dysphoria attributed to “over-affectionate” mothers, especially those who did not provide a father in the home environment. The term “schizophrenogenic mothers”, for mothers who were supposedly simultaneously overprotective and rejecting, was coined mid-century.

    A good reference: Molly Ladd-Taylor, and Lauri Umansky, eds., “Bad” Mothers: The Politics of Blame in Twentieth-Century America. (New York: New York University Press, 1998), p220.

  19. And one more quick rant… we had to rearrange our work schedules so I could be a SAHM a few years ago, not because of difficulties with Jean in her afterschool daycare, but our OLDER “normal” daughter’s behavior in same daycare! It put more of a burden on my husband, but we had built a business up together- we split all family responsibilities into “me-home” and “him-work”, playing to what we both know we do best.

    And when asked what I do, he tells people that Louise earns 100% of his paycheck and nothing else. I love that acknowledgement! We are a team and have each other’s back.

  20. A good reference: Molly Ladd-Taylor, and Lauri Umansky, eds., “Bad” Mothers: The Politics of Blame in Twentieth-Century America. (New York: New York University Press, 1998), p220.

    Thanks for the reference, I’m interested in reading this. My mother was blamed for a great deal, which they then used to manipulate her into doing what they wanted. (they = doctors, etc)

    I guess that sums up patriarchy in general, though, doesn’t it?

  21. He used to have some serious meltdowns in public (in response to sensory overload, which he’s able to handle more as he gets older). People felt entitled to make ridiculous comments about how I should spank him, or how awful he was, or whatever.

    I appreciate how difficult it must be to raise a child with autism, and even though it’s a subject I read about frequently I have literally no idea what that must be like.

    But can we talk a little bit about parental entitlement? Maybe the people who so rudely interjected themselves into your parent-child relationship were just people like me – people who don’t particularly like kids, consider early childhood an unfortunate, stupid period of our lives, and have had the repeated, frustrating experience of paying 10 bucks for a movie or a quiet dinner only to hear nothing but someone’s mewling infant.

    But, of course, anybody who suggests that a child with problems being quiet maybe isn’t welcome in a quiet public space is considered the asshole. Because I think there’s an expectation among parents that the rest of us non-parents must find your child as perfectly angelic as you do and that we’re bad people if we don’t.

    I appreciate what an accomplishment it must be when you’re able to share a new experience with your child. But just being a parent, even a super-parent rising to the challenges of a child with a disability (and I’m not being sarcastic), isn’t an entitlement to shit all over people who consider loud, misbehaving children intolerable noise pollution. I don’t smoke pot with your kid at the playground, or leave porn at their schools; it would be nice if the kids wouldn’t scream in the museum.

  22. people who don’t particularly like kids, consider early childhood an unfortunate, stupid period of our lives, and have had the repeated, frustrating experience of paying 10 bucks for a movie or a quiet dinner only to hear nothing but someone’s mewling infant.

    I wasn’t referring to having my infant at the movies, but having my 6-year-old in situations where children are usually accepted… like at a McDonald’s playplace or K-Mart or church.

    Incidently, in terms of movies, my autistic son couldn’t handle a trip to the playground, but could handle situations like being at a late movie. When he was three, he sat through Joan of Arc with me and watched attentively the whole time. In the meantime, the grown up couple behind us kept distracting everyone with with cell phone calls. He can also ride on an airplane for hours like a champ–long after the adults around him (including me) are fidgeting and whining.

    Autism is marked by uneven skill sets.

  23. The idiots never know about the days we grit our teeth until our jaws ache or go sit in our cars with the windows shut and scream until our ears ache…not necessarily because of the difficulties with our children but with our frustrations with the world in general.

    Yes. I always tell everyone “autism is easy, its the system that is hard”.

    My son is my son, I do what I do for him. But the system in place to seems to be full of people with hidden agendas–its very stressful to navigate the bureaucracy of it. That’s our biggest stress.

  24. sorry… just one more thing…

    and have had the repeated, frustrating experience of paying 10 bucks for a movie or a quiet dinner only to hear nothing but someone’s mewling infant

    quite likely, the parents of children with autism aren’t bringing their kids out to restaurants. For many of these families, even teaching the child how to use a fork and spoon is a great victory, so eating out at a restaurant is not anywhere on their horizon.

    Just mentioning it to keep things in perspective.

  25. But, of course, anybody who suggests that a child with problems being quiet maybe isn’t welcome in a quiet public space is considered the asshole. Because I think there’s an expectation among parents that the rest of us non-parents must find your child as perfectly angelic as you do and that we’re bad people if we don’t.

    I can’t speak for anyone else, but I don’t have a problem with people who don’t find children angelic. That being said- there are places where you have a reasonable expectation of quiet, and there are places you don’t. If you go to a movie, and there’s a kid crying, and the parent refuses to take the kid out, you have every right to complain. If you go to a local diner, and there’s a kid crying, you’re SOL. A diner is not the sort of place that one has a reasonable expectation of quiet. I’ve found lots of people’s conversations in public annoying, but that wouldn’t make me less an asshole for going up to them and telling them not to talk.

    But just being a parent, even a super-parent rising to the challenges of a child with a disability (and I’m not being sarcastic), isn’t an entitlement to shit all over people who consider loud, misbehaving children intolerable noise pollution. I don’t smoke pot with your kid at the playground, or leave porn at their schools; it would be nice if the kids wouldn’t scream in the museum.

    And just because you don’t like children doesn’t mean that parents don’t have just as much right to public spaces as you do. Public spaces are exactly that. Public.

    I’m sorry if I’m the one coming off as the asshole, now, but this comes up too often. It came up on feministing recently, too, I think. This attitude that it’s okay or should be okay to hate on children for being children. Children are a termendously disinfranchised group. They’re living in a world that generally doesn’t give a rat’s ass about their wants and needs, they’re forced to live at the whims of adults who have the legal ability to force them to do things against their will. The often lack the ability to communicate their wants and desires. Do children sometimes act in annoying ways? Sure. That’s what kids do. Do some parents not handle it well? Absolutely. But lashing out at all parents and children, and treating it like an epidemic? I do think that’s kind of assholish. Parents are people too, and there are times when they have to get things done. If they’re sitting in a theater being loud, that sucks and I’d complain. If they’re in the grocery store, though, what do you want them to do? Not get food?

    You don’t have to want children or think they’re awesome to respect that they’re a group who don’t have a damn bit of say about what goes on in their lives, or to appreciate that sometimes parents do the best they can, and it’s not easy.

    And I don’t understand why it’s okay to say that you don’t like children. I think we’d all cringe if someone said “I don’t like homosexuals” or “I don’t like *insert uncontrollable group status here*” but it’s okay because they’re children?

  26. I wasn’t referring to having my infant at the movies, but having my 6-year-old in situations where children are usually accepted… like at a McDonald’s playplace or K-Mart or church.

    Church is a quiet place too. But I appreciate what you’re saying. Certainly people should make allowances, especially if your child’s behavioral issues stem from something like autism. And there’s no excuse for rude delivery.

    All I’m saying is – maybe, sometimes, the reason people are telling you that your child’s behavior is unacceptable is because it is unacceptable.

    If you go to a local diner, and there’s a kid crying, you’re SOL. A diner is not the sort of place that one has a reasonable expectation of quiet.

    I know, and I make allowances. I don’t complain about yelling kids at the McDonalds; I take my burger and head out if it’s really objectionable.

    But if a restaurant has a wine list, it’s probably not a place for rowdy kids. Indeed, “no rowdy kids” is a feature that my wife and I look for when dining, so if your rowdy kids are interrupting my “no-rowdy-kids” experience, your actions are taking something away from me. Kids are kids, but you the parent should know better.

    And just because you don’t like children doesn’t mean that parents don’t have just as much right to public spaces as you do. Public spaces are exactly that. Public.

    Granted, but that doesn’t obviate your responsibility to be responsible, and to be considerate of others. “Public space” doesn’t mean “everybody do what the hell they want”; it means “a space shared by all.”

    We have to share the space. That means you have to respect my space, and exercise some level of restraint in regards to how you allow it to be polluted by your rowdy child. (If your child isn’t screaming all over the place, I could care less.)

    Your kids’ playground is a public space, and I respect it by not engaging in disruptive activities near it. You know? I don’t sit around and drink beer in front of your children. You should return the favor by not bringing your shrieking children to Le Fancy Bistro just because you’re tired of McDonalds.

    And I don’t understand why it’s okay to say that you don’t like children.

    Right – because you’re an entitled parent. You’ve reproduced; therefore, your opinion is superior to all others. (Never mind that any two idiots are capable of what you’ve done.) You’re a perfect example of what I’ve been talking about. It’s your kids’ world – the rest of us suckers are simply permitted to live in it.

  27. I think the distinction to keep in mind here is that children with autism often exhibit negative behaviors as a manifestation of their disability, and not because they are misbehaved or naughty. For instance, a “meltdown” is very different from a “tantrum” although the two make look very similar to someone who doesn’t know the child.

    A tantrum is generally a way for a typical child to get what they want… for example, if Mom says no to a piece of candy, the child will stomp feet and scream until Mom gives in. This is a way for children to manipulate a situation, or exert control on their environments. Because its not a desirable way, parents (usually) teach them other ways and also self-control and acceptance that they won’t always get everything they want.

    However, for a child with a disability like autism, what appears to be a tantrum is often really a meltdown. This happens when a child who has hypersensitivity to their environment simply can’t cope anymore. The major difference is that the child is not trying to coerce anyone to giving them anything. They are simply overwhelmed. Because these kids generally have deficient communication skills and are unable to ask for help or explain what is wrong, it is often very difficult to determine what is the trigger for their behavior and so very difficult to determine what environments to keep them out of.

    And so, very often, children with autism who are overwhelmed with their environments are unfairly midjudged as being manipulative and naughty and their parents are misjudged as being incompetent.

    In my son’s case, to try to minimize his meltdowns, we applied a combination of controlled entry into sensory-rich environments combined with ABA therapy to help him cope with sensory input. Now, as a 10-year-old, he can handle most public areas and I have gotten a very good eye for the early clues that he is going to become overwhelmed, thus I am better equipped now to avert a situation before it happens.

  28. You should return the favor by not bringing your shrieking children to Le Fancy Bistro just because you’re tired of McDonalds.

    Who is bringing their kids to Le Fancy Bistro? Most parents of children with autism that I know don’t even have the time or money left over after therapy costs to go their even without their children.

  30. Who is bringing their kids to Le Fancy Bistro?

    Entitled parents who think that the rest of us don’t matter, that’s who.

    Chet, you’re off-topic and derailing.

    I’m not the one who brought up entitlement. I just popped in to defend people who have the brazen temerity to suggest that not every public place is appropriate for all behavior, not even for children. Not even for disabled children. But I guess I’ve made my point.

  31. Chet, we’re talking about disabled children, not all children.

    And now we’re done talking about you.

  32. And now we’re done talking about you.

    That’s fine. By all means, go back to talking about people like me like we’re not here.

  33. Roy and Kat, you’re a lot nicer than I am, because my reaction to Chet’s posts is… not as tolerant.

    All I’m saying is – maybe, sometimes, the reason people are telling you that your child’s behavior is unacceptable is because it is unacceptable.

    Oh, boo-hoo. Stay out of public places if you cannot stand the sounds children make. Otherwise, keep your backseat parenting tips to yourself. And don’t use a thread about parenting disabled children as a chance to talk about how much you hate kids.

    I’m sure it’s hard to be a mom (and it’s almost always a mom) stuck in a situation where a child is yelling in an inappropriate place. 99% of moms are aware that it’s inappropriate. Glaring, mumbling strangers do nothing to help.

  34. *snort*

    You were saying something about a tantrum vs. a meltdown earlier, Kat?

    This child-free person accepts that not every thread involving people hating on kids needs to turn into “My last dinner at Cafe le Snob was ruined by a little girl blowing bubbles in her milk five tables down!” Somehow, people still manage to talk to me.

  35. This is the thing… having a child with autism does not preclude you from having other responsibilities as well.

    For instance, lets say a mother has a child with autism that has sensory overload in supermarkets. She still has a need to buy food so needs to go shopping. She has another, neurotypical (NT) child who wants to participate in typical kid stuff, like soccer. She is a single mother (most mom’s are with that 80% divorce rate) , so she can’t have dad watch him while she goes shopping or brings the NT child to soccer. She has a hard time getting a sitter, because the regular neighborhood teenage sitter is not going to change a school-age kid’s diaper or handle a meltdown, or maybe her child can’t handle new people. She can’t get respite care because her insurance or her state doesn’t provide those benefits. She doesn’t have the money to fund it herself because how can she work when she can’t get childcare for a special needs child? She’s makes some choices. She brings her autistic child to the supermarket and hopes for the best. She tells her NT kid soccer is out of the question this year and hopes he doesn’t resent his brother too much.

    Oh, and that whole sitter thing? Yeah, that means no date nights either.

  36. I take offense at the “travel to foreign countries to find their perfect little bundles” comment in the article. We went to Mongolia to adopt our little girl. She’s perfect to us, but hardly without issues. She came to us with mild RAD, the effects of Rickets, Giarrida and Anemia. We had Birth to 3 come to our house 2 times a week to help her learn to talk (she wasn’t talking at all at 16 months), appointments with a RAD therapist (which let me tell you isn’t easy to find one who your HMO will pay for), a sensory therapist and many many hours of gym play to help her legs grow straight. I would still go through it all again, our daughter is a joy. We went through international adoption not to get a “perfect” child. We wanted to know that at the end of the long difficult process we would have a child to love. One that would not be taken from us due to a screw up or the birth mother changing her mind. Now that we have our daughter, we’re thinking about Foster/Adopt.

  37. Right – because you’re an entitled parent. You’ve reproduced; therefore, your opinion is superior to all others. (Never mind that any two idiots are capable of what you’ve done.) You’re a perfect example of what I’ve been talking about. It’s your kids’ world – the rest of us suckers are simply permitted to live in it.

    Bullshit.
    1. I’m not a parent.
    2. I have absolutely no intention of ever having children.

    So don’t presume to know a damn thing about me. My point was that the sort of prejudice you’re throwing at children would be absolutely unacceptable if it were thrown at some other group, but you feel entitled to throw it around because they’re children.

    Again: Children can’t help being children. How is saying that you don’t like them any different from saying you don’t like any racial group, sex, gender? You’re throwing around bigotry, plain and simple. And you’re throwing it at a group that is completely helpless to defend itself from you.

    Thanks for sharing your story, Kat. This may be a silly question, but what is ABA therapy?

    When I hear about or see people saying things like “Oh, maybe this one will be normal,” I want to scream. Do people not realize how hurtful that is? How insulting?

  39. ABA stands for “applied behavior analysis”. Its a labor intensive therapy that is considered to be one of the most effective ways to work with children with autism. At its most basic, its principle is that you reward (reinforce) appropriate behaviors with lots of positive attention, and withhold any attention (negative or positive) from inappropriate behaviors in order to extinguish the bad and promote the good. It also includes what is called “discrete trial training” in which certain behaviors are broken down into their basic, discrete components and taught by rote. Many children with autism benefit from an ABA approach, but because it takes lots of time (usually 20 or more hours a week with a trained therapist who is overseen by a certified consultant) it can be extremely costly (a good program can cost approximately $3,000/month. Most insurance companies won’t pay for it and school system panic when you mention ABA, so many children with autism go without it.

    Its extremely frustrating for many parents of children with autism to know there is an effective therapy that they simply cannot afford.

    My son had ABA therapy when we lived in Hawaii. Hawaii at the time was under the Felix Consent Decree (basically, their special education system had been so bad for so long that the federal gov’t was overseeing how they provided service) and he received ABA through the school system on his Individualized Education Program (IEP) as an accommodation. When we moved to Virginia, his IEP was supposed to transfer with him, but Virginia schools balked at the level of services he had so it didn’t. Luckily, at the time my husband (his stepfather) was active duty military and the federal insurance programs generally cover ABA therapy (although they make it very difficult to get a claim paid). Once my husband left the military, my son lost his ABA therapy and has not had it in three years now.

    For my son, ABA therapy helped us immensely with such social interactions and life skills. With the help of his therapist, we literally staged social encounters for him and broke them down into their component parts. We also did the same for ordinary life skills like toilet training, trips to the store, visits to the dentist, etc. I am thankful we had it for as long as we did, my son improved immensely adn is now currently mainstreamed.

  40. I’m childfree, and I used to dislike children more before I remembered how much it sucked to be a kid. If a kid is being a REAL brat in a public place, I’ve noticed it has a lot to do with neglectful or indulgent parents.

    However, being a brat is NOT the same as just being a kid. The 6 year old boy I babysit likes to make loud duck sounds every minute or so for hours at a time. He’s incredibly energetic and has pretty poor impulse control. But he’s six.

    Child Loathing Me would resent him and even blame his mom and dad. Enlightened Me remembers being a bit batty myself at 6 (and 7, and 12, and 16 for that matter), so instead, when he starts quacking away and slapping my butt (which he knows he’s not supposed to do), I figure he’s probably bored, looking for attention, and maybe school wasn’t that creatively stimulating that day. Kids can run around all they want, but physical energy and mental energy are often totally different. He doesn’t play an instrument or paint or anything.

    So out comes the craft glue and popsicle sticks. I taught him how to make a little house. He was totally focused and quiet the whole time.

    I remember being forced into “cute” outfits. Sitting through church. Sitting STILL at school. Long division was painfully boring, that box of paperclips was interesting. I was often labeled dumb or lazy as a kid and a teenager, but the truly amazing, interactive, and creative teachers in my life know that I have great intellect and focus when the world doesn’t treat me like a useless, stupid cog in the machine.

    I’m ranting…

    But what I’m trying to say is that if I had to babysit children I love 24/7 such as their parents do, and I was tired from work, frustrated with my own personal life, and Taylor started quacking and jumping around in public, I know there are days when I’d just want to lay down and make it all go away.

    Working at the supermarket, I can barely imagine what it must feel like to have to get all your shopping done, the stress of paying for it (groceries for a week or two for a family of four? 200+ dollars, more as they get to be teenagers), and then the baby starts crying and the toddler wants candy and is crawling into everything, or whatever. Add an emotional or mental disability into the mix and… Oye.

    I’m childfree and annoyed with entitlement, but I don’t think this is really an issue here.

    I’m still ranting… So I’ll just stop.

  41. Kat,

    Thank you for sharing your story. As I mentioned in another thread, a friend of mine works with children with disabilities and I tell her as often as I can that I am proud of her for choosing that as her career (and the poverty that comes with it). She always responds that I should really be proud of the kids who work so hard against such unbelievable obstacles and that helping disabled children is its own reward.

    I want to give you the same praise, but I understand if you don’t take it. I really admire you.

  42. Thanks Kristen 🙂 My kid is on the less severe end of the spectrum, so I am in awe of parents who have kids who are more severe, or have more than one kid on the spectrum. Wow.

    I recently read an article about a study that found that mothers of children with autism have very strong bonds with their children. I blogged about it here.

  43. Kat, my sister has autism as well and she too has issues with sensory overload, I know my mom struggles with the same thing. I’ll never forget the day I took my two children and my two youngest sisters to a local hair cutting place while my mom was at the doctor because she had a kidney infection so bad she couldn’t walk, but my daughter and one of my sisters had hair appointments. Kelly (my sister with autism) sat down and I went to check on my daughter then ran back up to keep an eye on Kelly. I saw her start to reach into the burger king bag of the woman next to her and I got as far as “Kelly, we don’t….” when the woman reached over and slapped her. I have never been so angry in my life.
    And Chet- as a parent, no I don’t feel like my kids belong in “Le Fancy Bistro” and I don’t take them there, but I get so fucking sick and tired of every thread about parenting turning into some rant about how horrible and entitled parents are for having the goddamned audacity to show up with our kids in public places. You know, it’s not a pleasant experience for parents when their children are screaming and we tend to try to avoid it. Assholes telling you what a horrid parent you are doesn’t make it less stressful and doesn’t help you get out of the situation any faster. Sorry for the thread derail zuzu- I don’t care if someone doesn’t like kids or wants to spend time with them, but this sanctimonius shit in every single thread gets really old.

  44. Kat, you did a marvelous job throughout this thread in educating others w/o autism in their immediate family as to what we go through daily- very well written and articulated- even in the face of some rather, um, emotionally charged comments. WELL DONE. Far better than I ever could have done. My child is also highly functioning, yet was in pull-ups until age 8- still wants to wear them at night “just to be sure”. She tries so hard to do all things correctly and is so upset when her body fails her…

    Fancy restaurants, loud sensory-overloading movies? Not a chance in hell. What a load of bullshit. Chet, TRY for a second to think it through, huh? Maybe you’re grouping all kids and all parents into the same tidy bundle in your mind. Our kids are NOT the ones you should be pissed about… sheesh!

    THAT’S the job we parents of autistic children have to face every day- not only trying to help our children on more levels than anyone can imagine, but then try to keep our cool when dealing with the rest of the world. It wears on you.

    A spoiled brat is a spoiled brat, and I can’t stand them either. They range from baby to ADULT. Some of these spoiled brats are the PARENTS and the kids are just acting out what they see every day… It’s hard NOT to sit in judgement of the ones who act out of apparent immaturity with their choices in behavior themselves, let alone their kids. There are parents out there who seriously deserve a good swift kick in the ass.

    But the next time you think you see a kid acting out of control in public, WATCH THE PARENT- is he or she trying to calmly help the child, ignoring the behavior, or acting equally childidsh? The parent’s reactions will give you a better read of what’s really going on.

    Julie- that bitch would have had me hauling off on her if she had touched my kid- I can’t imagine how you felt! My older daughter is also protective of her sister and would have been outraged as well.

  45. Here’s the problem with the “You two must be saints for raising such a disabled child” line.

    What you are in essence saying is: “Wow. That person who you love very much, who is a part of you, whose pain hurts more than your own pain, whose triumph matters more than your own success — I would HATE to have to deal with that person. Instead, I think that dealing with people with autism falls into the range of what saints do, not what ordinary citizens should be obligated to do. Certainly, I am not interested in having to act in a way that would insure an autistic person’s comfort or happiness.”

    You aren’t complimenting the parents — you’re just insulting the child, and also reminding the parents of the huge negative social stigma their child will have to face for the rest of his or her natural life.

  46. I freaked out Louise… I tend not to say anything when people upset me, but it was fairly expletive laced as I went off on her about autism, sensory overload, not understanding social norms and what an asshole I thought she was. I was literally shaking I was so angry.

  47. I take offense at the “travel to foreign countries to find their perfect little bundles” comment in the article.

    Seriously. My parents adopted my brother from another country and he had health problems initially. You’d have to be totally ignorant to think that a child from a 3rd world orphanage is going to be problem-free, even if you stipulate you don’t want a kid with disabilities. Which my parents did, not because they’re giant assholes, but because they’re realistic and know their limits.

    What you are in essence saying is: “Wow. That person who you love very much, who is a part of you, whose pain hurts more than your own pain, whose triumph matters more than your own success — I would HATE to have to deal with that person.

    Well, that’s pretty much sums up how I feel about it. I honestly never want to care for a retarded person. Sorry.

  48. PLEASE tell me that last was simply laziness…autism is not retardation.

    “Sorry”, my ass.

  49. Louise, you beat me to it. That’s exactly what I wanted to say.

    Bill Gates has Aspergers, a form of autism. I doubt he’s “retarded”. Damn.

    This type of complete ignorance is exactly what our kids are faced with on a regular basis.

    Every child, disabled or not, has strengths as well as weaknesses. That is why we usually refer to it as “differently abled”. My son’s kindergarten teacher told me that my son was almost the opposite of a child with Down syndrome in his class. My son had good cognitive ability and poor social skills, while his classmate had low cognitive ability and good social skills. That struck a chord with me.

    Another piece of wisdom I got somewhere along the way was that every parent of a typical child is one accident away from having a disabled child. The fact that a child is born “normal” doesn’t mean there is any guarantee they will stay that way. A kid in my high school class was a star football player until a car wreck made him a quadraplegic, I doubt his parents ever saw that one coming. You take what you get and do the best you can. Other children experience challenges along the way and overcome them in amazing ways. There are just no guarantees in parenting.

  51. I don’t know, I’ve seen ABA implemented in many different situations/places, and I have never seen anything that is ethically concerning. My sister started an ABA program when she was 3, and at 12 she has progressed from being completely non-verbal and having agressive self-injurious behavior to being able to sit through a school day, do academics, carry on a conversation and has greatly decreased both the frequency and intensity of her self-injurious behavior. I don’t claim it’s a miracle cure, or that it works for every child, but the warm, caring teachers that work at my sister’s school are amazing and they have helped her acheive so much more than we ever expected.
    Oh, and she’s a child with autism, she is NOT mentally retarded. It’s amazing to me that people in this day and age are still so uninformed about autism… approx. 1 in every 150 children falls somwhere on the spectrum, so it’s not something we can afford to be ignorant about.

  52. Whenever I get annoyed by a misbehaving kid in public, I just think to myself, Hey, in 15 years or so he’s going to be paying into my Social Security.

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