Today I’m going to tell men a little secret about women.
Are you listening, men? Come a little closer…a little closer. Shhhhhh, we’ve got to keep our voices down so the feminists don’t hear….
You know that stuff you’ve been reading in the girly magazines that tell you that women like to be romanced with candlelit dinners before you gently (gently!) make love to them by first giving them hours of oral pleasure and then softly (oh so softly!) penetrating them while staring lovingly into their eyes…always making absolutely sure that they reach orgasm first?
Well, it’s all bunk.
Do you want to know what we really talked about when discussing the best sex we ever had? We talked about you in a bunny suit, me dressed in a bear costume, and the raw, animalistic dry-humping that follows. No one even mentioned that time you filled the bathtub full of rose petals and blah, blah, blah. It was that time when you humped me from the back and called me Mama Bear and I pulled your furry pink ears that got us hot.
Hey nice guys! Want to know why all the assholes get the chicks? It’s because women are hoping that their casual indifference will carry over into the bedroom, and they won’t be self-conscious when we pull out our mouse costume and ask them to call us Minnie. Despite what Oprah tells you, no women wants to feel like her man is inferior to her. What better way to prove your superiority than to dress up like a big scary wolf and refer to her as your dirty, furry little prey?
The perfect man, of course, would be loving and respectful outside of the bedroom and only become the beast when the doors are closed, but not many men like that exist. For the time being, we’re being forced to choose between a 100% equal relationship and our clits. It’s a tough choice.
See, this is something the feminists won’t tell you because they’re busy conditioning the world into believing that women secretly vie for the power of “real” men. You know, men who look like men, not men who are dressed up in full-body animal costumes. They insist that women loathe the kitchen and feel trapped by motherhood. In reality, they say that women want to run congress after they get their manicures.
Well, the feminist movement came and went and what did the majority of the women choose to do? That’s right: cook food and make babies. And dress up in furry bunny costumes in the bedroom. Fuck, most can’t even be bothered to do a little political reading before they vote. It just doesn’t satisfy them the way that full animal costumes do.
If feminists can’t predict what women want outside of the bedroom, then why do you put any stake into what they say about the inside of the bedroom?
These days, feminists got men so twisted in the head that they’re afraid to be a little sexually adventurous lest their partner charge them with sexual deviance for showing up at her place dressed like a cow and asking her to milk him. Unfortunately, women are equally being conditioned to believe that if a man doesn’t proclaim his undying devotion to you with every thrust, he doesn’t respect you. A friend of mine used to think that something was actually wrong with her because she fantasized about being dressed in a chipmunk costume and doing it with a red fox. She was convinced that she might have been molested as a child and blocked it out. She spent a lot of time in therapy only to find out…..
She wasn’t.
I read an article that listed role-playing and dress-up as one of the top three sex fantasies that women have. Role-playing and dress-up. I heard a feminist justify this by saying that all furry fantasies, at some point, become consensual mid act because no real woman would ever want to be a furry little creature. Well, I don’t know what women she talked too, but my furry fantasies stay about being a furry little creature all the way up until the point where he sticks his dick through the little hole in his bear costume, roars when he comes, and then shits in the woods. Fuck me like an animal, baby.
Now men, I am not saying that you should go out to the bars dressed like a beaver in order to impress women. Like most fantasies, the whole scenario is sexier in our heads than it’d be in real life. All I’m saying is that your woman wants a little animal action, a dash of fur! Use good judgment!
And ladies? Quit feeling so damn guilty about your natural sexual desires. Wanting to be fucked like a squirrel does not mean you have a low self esteem. There is nothing wrong with you! Ultimately, sex is a biological instinct and all the feminist propaganda in the world will not change that. Revel in your sexual equality where you should: in the workplace, in politics, etc.
Inside of the bedroom, feel free to be the naughty little bunny I know you want to be.
(Point: Your personal fetishes are good and fine, and I’m certain that you find them pretty hot. Lots of other people probably find them pretty hot, too. But “I like something sexually” does not translate very well into “All women like this sexually.” And blaming feminism for your own reluctance to own and admit to your kink isn’t very sexy at all. Feministing and Pandagon have more).
And a disclaimer: I’m not trying to mock furry fetishes, although I will admit that I think they’re kind of funny (although I think most things are funny, including rose petals in the bathtub, so who knows). More power to you, furverts. Live it up. I’m just using a fairly obvious example to demonstrate how one person’s sexual preferences don’t mean jack when it comes to their entire gender.