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While You Were Sleeping

Ilyka Damen

I’m only categorizing this under “Health” because CNN did: “‘Sexsomniacs’ Puzzle Researchers:”

Researchers are struggling to understand a rare medical condition where sufferers unknowingly demand, or actually have, sex while asleep, New Scientist magazine reported on Wednesday.

Research into sexsomnia — making sexual advances towards another person while asleep — has been hampered as sufferers are so embarrassed by the problem they tend not to own up to it, while doctors do not ask about it.

As yet there is no cure for the condition, which often leads to difficulties in relationships.

You don’t say!

I’m clutching my skeptic’s hat a little tightly with this one, I admit. For one thing, I never put too much faith in new phenomena documented mainly by internet survey:

While sleepwalking affects two to four percent of adults, sexsomnia is not thought to be as common a problem, according to Nik Trajanovic, a researcher at the sleep and alertness clinic at Canada’s Toronto Western Hospital.

But an Internet survey of sexsomniacs carried out in 2005 that drew 219 reliable respondents concluded it was more prevalent than medical case reports alone might suggest.

For another, the go-to guy for this sexsomnia business is psychologist Michael Mangan, who operates sleepsex.org (did you guess the other part already? The part where he has a book out? Guess what it’s about!). His credentials seem solid enough as a psychologist, which is fine unless, like me, you start wondering things like, “Hey, if I’m having sex with other people in my sleep, shouldn’t I see an accredited, licensed, sleep specialist physician?” But people have told me (and they’re probably right) that I’m overly picky about details like these. I should also add, in fairness, that Dr. Mangan includes the very same link I just did, to sleepcenters.org, on his site.

So, what’s your gut reaction here? Legitimate? Possibly legitimate? Or possibly a gift from above to rape apologists? Because I have a difficult time not seeing it as the last one, especially in light of this statement from Mangan’s media kit:

Quite possibly millions of sleepers worldwide (probably mostly women) are being unceremoniously yanked into consciousness by the intimate groping, moaning, and otherwise clearly sexual behavior of their bed partners-who happen to be dead asleep.

Mostly women? Now why ever would that be?

While I do wonder whether sexsomnia passes the smell test, I’d nonetheless be interested to know if any Feministe readers have ever had anything like this themselves. Feel free to tell me to quit being mean and narrow-minded if you have.

52 thoughts on While You Were Sleeping

  1. Pingback: A Blog Around The Clock

  2. Once I was sharing a hotel bed with a female friend, and apparently I put my arms around her in my sleep and called her by the name of the guy I was involved with at the time.

    It’s not exactly the same thing, but it did make me realize that we’re not particularly in control of what we do while sleeping.

    My (completely uninformed) take on sexsomnia is that it probably exists but is rare, and that it’s quite likely that a rapist might use it as an excuse.

    As for the “probably mostly women”–first of all, that’s Mangan’s conjecture, and he doesn’t say if his data back it up. It’s possible that women also suffer from sexsomnia, but that their partners are not disturbed enough to tell them about it and ask that they get help.

    What seems most likely to me is that it is indeed mainly men who have sexsomnia, because of the messages in our culture that tell men they have a right to women’s bodies. In that case, the rape culture overall is to blame for putting those ideas into men’s subconcious, but it’s not the individual man’s fault.

  3. Also, Twisty posted on this a while back. I don’t completely agree with her take–I’m open to the possibility that sexsomnia actually does exist. But it’s also very problematic, because if it is accepted as a disorder, then any man who rapes a sleeping woman can claim he’s a sexsomniac, and there’s no way to disprove it.

  4. Also, Twisty posted on this a while back.

    Agggh, I knew this wasn’t the first I’d heard of it! Figures Twisty woulda been all over that.

    My excuse: I have blogsomnia.

    But it’s also very problematic, because if it is accepted as a disorder, then any man who rapes a sleeping woman can claim he’s a sexsomniac, and there’s no way to disprove it.

    They’ll do the usual Battle of the Paid Experts thing in trials, I suppose. Won’t that be a treat.

  5. Sorry to comment so many times, but I noticed on the Sleepsex.org site that one of the two experiences at the top of the page was a woman:

    “I noticed your site on the internet off of a link from MSN.COM , me and my fiancee is experiencing a problem with sleep sex. Most nights that she falls asleep for a few hours she starts moaning and soon is masturbating and acting out sexual acts in her sleep. She has spoke to her dr and he doesnt seem to think anything serious about it she was put on an anti psychotic pill that only seemed to change the pattern for a couple weeks and then went back to her usual sleep sex. She discontinued the pill at this point. If you can offer any suggestions or help it would be greatly appreciated.”

    It’s still likely that more men than women have the problem, but it doesn’t seem like anyone is claiming it happens only to men.

    Also, I’ve read about people who have disorders that cause them to binge-eat in their sleep, and considering that eating and sex are both basic biological drives, this doesn’t seem that implausible.

  8. I’ve heard of this once before, but only because it was on House (MD). Then, it was presented as a more extreme version of sleepwalking.

  9. This one guy I’ve sometimes shared a bed with had the habit of pinning me down by the wrists in his sleep, or sometimes pinning my leg down with his– either way the effect would be that I couldn’t move; he was a big guy. Once he had me trapped he’d then snuggle up like a little kid. It was sort of hilarious to me, actually. Especially because even though he wouldn’t let me move away when I struggled, I was able to negotiate with him verbally like “I’m just turning over on my side, I’m not going anywhere.” and he’d release me and then pin me down again after. While he slept. It would have got really annoying if I’d been sleeping with him on a regular basis, because I’m a light sleeper and it was keeping me awake. But I mainly just found it amusing; he’d never have acted that needy while he was awake. Anyway, I guess I believe in sexsomnia; it doesn’t seem too far away from that experience.

  10. Kali, you are both cracking me up and giving me the guilts. I don’t get anything as severe as your former partner’s wrestling-hold behavior, but I do have a partner whose annoying habit is to roll over onto his back without regard for my presence. He rolls over right on top of me, snoring to beat the band the entire time. Then, when I attempt to shove him off (holy crumb, the dead weight of sleeping people!) I get cussed out–for disturbing his sleep. And he’s either a better actor than I give him credit for, or he really never does remember any of this the next day.

    Still, a long way from getting an erection, groping for someone else in the bed, finding an appropriate location in which to–I don’t know, it seems like an awful lot of what we typically think of as conscious thought goes into this sexsomnia. The “people sleep-eat, so why not?” argument Laura brought up seems reasonable. But do people get up in their sleep and fix themselves a sandwich, maybe raid a bag of chips–or do they get up in their sleep and make spanakopita with homemade phyllo?

    (Here I’m thinking of that guy Twisty wrote about, who supposedly put on a condom while asleep. Definitely not buying that one.)

    I was able to negotiate with him verbally like “I’m just turning over on my side, I’m not going anywhere.”

    Ha! I am always amused by how much more effective words are than force is when dealing with the unconscious.

  11. I have a friend with this. He says that he doesn’t respond to normal negative body language signals when he’s asleep, but that his current girlfriend has learned that if she says “no,” he stops and goes back to sleep.

  12. He’s also said that the one time it became a big problem and an ex-girlfriend wasn’t willing to have sex with him (she didn’t mind at first, but then didn’t like that his eyes were closed and he wasn’t responding to her), she cried, and he woke up.

    That’s just one person. Maybe other sexsomniacs wouldn’t wake up if their partner showed obvious signs of distress. And obviously it’s still problematic, because a partner shouldn’t be responsible for saying “no” or crying or otherwise signaling their partner that sex isn’t desired, since consent should not be assumed.

    However, it might not be a total gift for rapists.

  14. In regards to #5, why is it a problem that this woman masturbates in her sleep? Much less a problem that needs medical attention?

  15. It’s an odd thing. My SO consistently holds my breasts when he’s asleep. Doesn’t really do anything with them, just holds them, and will attempt to burrow underneath me if I’m lying on my front to get to them. I wake easily, and normally so does he; if I wake him up, he’ll move, but then he does it again once he’s gone back to sleep. So, purely anecdotally, something that’d normally be a conscious desire and a complex physical behaviour happens when he’s asleep.

    That said, gently holding someone is completely different behaviour than initiating and having sex, particularly with a partner who’s asleep or less than willing. I don’t know if they’re particularly comparable.

  16. I’ve never know a guy who suffers from this problem, but I have known several guys who would hit or kick whomever is in bed with them during their sleep. The best explanation I ever recieved (from the one who actually punched me) was that he was in the middle of a violent dream. He woke up moments after he hit me, and had no idea what he’d done (on multiple occasions). So I’d believe in the possibility.

  18. This has happened to me before. Usually, on occasions when I have been extremely tired and fell quickly into a deep sleep, and/or I was physically drained and a little dehydrated. My wife tells me no, shoves me away, and I roll over and fall back into normal sleep. She thinks it is funny; I think it is disturbing in the extreme. I was never a sleepwalker as a kid, but it runs in my family. I have had a few instances that I can remember of having something akin to sleep paralysis or night-terrors (which my daughter has horrible episodes of, but this seems to be getting better as she gets older), where I lie there convinced there is some kind of monster in the room, and have to will myself to wake up fully. None of this happens often (and it hasn’t happened in quite a while now that I think about it), but none of it is fun at all. It is weird to think that, even absent drugs or alcohol, you can be more or less fully functional but completely out of it.

  19. human–

    I think the problem with sleep masturbation is partially situational (there may be times, sharing a room, or a bed, when you’d rather not be seen playing with yourself) and partially just a matter of not wanting to be out of control of yourself in that way.

  20. human, if one is a light sleeper, having one’s bedmate moaning and masturbating might wake one up and prevent sleep. And I don’t think it’s totally unreasonable to want to sleep in the same bed as your fiance, right?

    One blogger I read has described her husband as groping her in his sleep. She always presents it as funny, albeit occasionally irritating, but I can definitely see how it would have larger and scarier repercussions.

  21. then any man who rapes a sleeping woman can claim he’s a sexsomniac, and there’s no way to disprove it.

    Yes, there is. He can be evaluated by a sleep disorders clinic, and he should be. Parasomniac behavior can be quite complex – people have been known to make meals and eat them and to walk into locations where considerable motor skills are needed. I know enough about sleep disorders not to dismiss this out of hand.

    There are triggers for sexsomnia. A person who has a history of sexsomnia and engages in triggering behaviors should be held acountable. This describes the guy in Twisty’s article. He may not be responsible for what he did in his sleep, but he is certainly responsible for putting himself in a situation where he is likely to engage in those behaviors.

    I agree that the sleepsex.org site is insufficiently data-based to be a definitive reference. If I didn’t already have a small (tiny, in fact) background in sleep disorders, I would dismiss this site.

    I weighed in on this in the comment thread at Twisty’s place. Anyone so inclined can read what I had to say there.

  22. I noticed your site on the internet off of a link from MSN.COM , me and my fiancee is experiencing a problem with sleep sex. Most nights that she falls asleep for a few hours she starts moaning and soon is masturbating and acting out sexual acts in her sleep. She has spoke to her dr and he doesnt seem to think anything serious about it she was put on an anti psychotic pill that only seemed to change the pattern for a couple weeks and then went back to her usual sleep sex. She discontinued the pill at this point. If you can offer any suggestions or help it would be greatly appreciated.”

    This strikes me as closer to a wet dream than actually trying to have sex with someone in their sleep.

  23. Yikes. I had a real problem with night terrors as a kid–I routinely woke up half the neighborhood with my screaming and often ran out of my room and down the hall. I never woke up (unless one of my parents shook me awake, and according to them, I was groggy, disoriented, and annoyed that they woke me up). I have no memory of this happening. I do, however, remember coming downstairs to a very tired and annoyed family after an episode.

    If I did anything to harm my partner while I was asleep and he told me about it after, I’d sleep in a separate bedroom. Yeah, it wouldn’t be my ‘fault,’ but I wouldn’t want to risk causing pain to anyone.

    (So far, no complaints from anyone I’ve been with, though apparently I talk in my sleep a lot.)

  24. I used to sleepwalk a lot as a kid and it still happens on the odd occaision (and now my oldest son does it, we have to be very careful about locking the house and securing things dangerous to small children at night because we’ll wake and find him in the oddest places sometimes). I also talk in my sleep a lot. And according to the husband, I have in the past made demands of him while asleep and I almost never remember it the next day. Except for the talking (and apparently I’m highly entertaining in my sleep), none of this happens very often, generally only when I’m really tired or stressed. So I’m willing to believe that it is a genuine disorder, although I’m sure there are varying degrees of severity, etc.

  25. This guy that I bother says I snuggle up to him in his sleep. I don’t remember this, but I think it’s something about having a large heat source in the bed..

  26. I’ve done some strange things while sleeping before… once I woke up hitting my boyfriend (I was dreaming that he wouldn’t stop tickling me), and other times I’ve actually had orgasms in my sleep (which woke me). I’ve been a sleepwalker too. I don’t think that makes me a sex-whatever; it just means I do shit in my sleep sometimes.

  27. You know, from a legal standpoint, if someone genuinely has sexsomnia, then that person’s actions while sleeping would be involuntary. You can’t be held criminally responsible for behavior that is truly involuntary. However, you can be held responsible if you know that you have a particular condition that causes you to act involuntarily and you voluntarily put yourself in a situation where you know you might harm someone.

    This is why people who are drunk even to the point of being blacked out can still be held responsible for things they do while drunk, even if those actions are in a sense involuntary, because the voluntary action is drinking excessively in the first place when you know what the result will likely be. Similarly, if someone had epilepsy and got behind the wheel of a car despite the fact that he had stopped taking his medication, he could be held criminally liable if he had a seizure and killed or injured someone, because the voluntary action is not taking the medicine and then driving.

    So. My point is that in the article that Twisty linked to, the guy was acquitted of rape because of a sexsomnia defense, but he had previously done the same thing to four girlfriends. I would argue that since he knew he had this disorder and knew that it was brought on by drinking, then he should not have gotten drunk and then slept on the same couch as that woman, because he knew that there was a possibility he might have sex with her in his sleep. Thus, he could be held criminally responsible.

    I don’t do criminal law, but maybe some of the criminal lawyers around here can tell me whether or not this argument would fly.

  28. My husband has this. It is pretty easy to live with, since he’s very slow and clumsy about his attempts at romance (ususally just rubbing up against me with an erection). Also, he wakes right up. Depending on our moods we either actually have sex at that point, or (ususally) just go back to sleep.

  29. I sleepwalked once or twice when I was young (that I know about) and have occasionally had conversations with my husband while asleep. I wake up while talking, and he says “What the hell are you talking about?”, and I say, “Um, no idea.”

  30. I’ve had sex with a sleeping person. He also fell asleep during, actually. Which was weird and also totally hurt my feelings. But he’d have sex in his sleep occasionally. He did a lot of drugs so I don’t know if it was sexsomnia, but it was definitely complex sexual behavior while asleep. Usually if he initiated sex and I could tell he was asleep I’d push him off, because it was kind of insulting, plus the sex wasn’t as good because he would be selfish and unresponsive (this I knew from the times I didn’t realize at first).

    Sleep behavior can be quite complex. I wouldn’t discount this.

  31. I agree with Fruminous B and Raging Red- just because it has a name and is potentially a medical condition doesn’t make it less dangerous to the public. And a failure to sufficiently avoid triggers should be punishable.

  32. I once had an SO who did this. The experience was entirely pleasant, and when I referred to it the next day he had NO IDEA what I was talking about.

    It only happened once though, and waas brought on by stress.

    I believe it is a real thing, but I would NEVER buy it as a RAPE defence! First of all, you have to be sleeping in the same bed, so there is a certain element of familiarity and trust; secondly, if it is REAL, all you have to do to stop them is wake them up! It isn’t that hard to wake someone up.

  33. I once shared an air mattress with a friend of mine, and I’d heard he did this, and sure enough, he did!

    Thankfully he woke up, and I was interested in him, so we fooled around in full consciousness. But it was very weird to wake up having my breasts fondled.

  34. I wouldn’t discount this either. One night I woke up to my extremely mild-mannered, respectful boyfriend fondling me. I pushed him away gently, mumbling I was very tired and had to be alert the next day, and his hands went right back where they had been (not forcefully, but as if automatic). I was angry and pushed him away harder and spoke more forcefully.

    The next day he had no idea any of this had happened.

    This was an isolated event, and not really serious given the circumstances, but the other commenters are spot-on about people with this recurring condition having a responsibility to keep themselves out of situations in which they would pose a danger to others.

  35. I had a partner who started doing this when he was taking Wellbutrin. It stopped when he stopped taking it. He was never aggressive or forceful, but he would speak and grope me. Usually it woke me from being asleep, and I’m a terrible sleeper so I value the sleep I do get, and I’d just push him away and roll over to try to get back to sleep. Occasionally it led to sex, and there were a few times he said that he didn’t recall it at all. It disturbed him more on the level of him not remembering initiating sex than it did on the level of me having sex with him that he doesn’t remember, but I eventually just started being sure to wake him up if I was also interested in sex.

  36. but the other commenters are spot-on about people with this recurring condition having a responsibility to keep themselves out of situations in which they would pose a danger to others.

    How does one keep themselves out of such a situation? Don’t go to sleep? Or just don’t sleep with another person in their bed?

  38. Raging Moderate, I would say this depends on the severity of the person’s disorder. If someone has “sexsomnia” as described in the article Twisty linked (link at comment #3), then yes, he should not sleep next to a woman unless that woman is aware of his disorder and decides for herself that she wants to sleep next to him. In that guy’s case (and I am skeptical about whether he actually had the disorder), he doesn’t just fondle women in his sleep — he has penetrative sex with them (with a condom!). So he absolutely shouldn’t have flopped his drunk self on the couch next to a passed out woman knowing that he might end up involuntarily having sex with her. Ah, fuck it, raping her.

    I’d still say that even if someone has this disorder to a lesser degree — meaning, not having penetrative sex with the person, but fondling or other kinds of touching — that person should still inform anyone who he intends to sleep next to that he has it. I sure as hell would want a guy to tell me that he does this kind of thing before sleeping next to him, so I could decide for myself whether or not I still wanted to share a bed.

    Obviously, if the person doesn’t know they have this disorder, then this wouldn’t apply.

  39. he should not sleep next to a woman unless that woman is aware of his disorder and decides for herself that she wants to sleep next to him

    That’s reasonable. It was the “keep themselves out of situations” part that I was wondering about. Your suggestion seems more like “tell your partners, so they can keep themselves out of that situation”. I’m with you there.

  40. “Obviously, if the person doesn’t know they have this disorder, then this wouldn’t apply.”

    Oddly enough, I always assumed that i would sleep best with my arm around someone, as i almost always sleep with my arm around one pillow.

    Turns out human beings are not acceptable pillow substitutes. They’re heavier and tend to squirm. The things you discover….

  41. Apropos to nothing (as in: I don’t believe that punishment is warranted), having sex with somone who has initiated sex while unconscious is second degree rape in most jurisdictions, including my own.

    — ACS

  42. *shrug* My boyfriend humps in his sleep. It’s not heavy thrusting or anything, but it’s definitely a far cry from little hip twitches. And I’ve woken up more than a couple times with my hand cupping his crotch — even if I fell asleep with my back to him. I have trouble believing that you can all-out have sex while you’re sleeping, but stranger things have happened I guess.

    But still, I don’t think I’d buy it as a rape defense. I just don’t like to think about the kind of precedent that acceptance might set.

  43. My wife once told me to roll over (while I was asleep) and I apparently responded “I can’t hear you, because I’m sleeping.”

    Really.

    Sleep is very odd.

  44. My ex partner had a pair of friends who’d have sex in their sleep. I don’t know the details, but apparently E. and S. were grateful for E.’s being on a hormonic contraceptive.

    As for the condom part, if someone routinely uses them and carries them, it’s not completely outside of the realm of possibility that someone with a sleeping disorder might manage it, especially because there have been documented accounts of fairly complex behavior including climbing, cooking and eating, and — I wish I was making this up — driving.

    So yeah. I don’t doubt it exists, though clearly there needs to be more research to understand it, and how to manage and diagnose it.

  45. My husband does this. Our experience with it is about like Hazel Stone described. If I’m in the mood, I stay half-asleep myself, and the sex can be dreamy and quite surreal and lovely. If I’m not in the mood, I just wake him up enough to make him conscious of what he’s doing to get him to stop. Waking him up isn’t hard, and I usually manage to do it before the attempt at sex is anything more than a gentle fondling.

    If my husband is typical of people with sexsomnia, then sexsomnia would usually make a lousy rape defense. Saying “No” in a normal tone of voice, or just wriggling away and rolling him over, would usually be enough to wake him up, thereby making him culpable for all his actions. I guess there might be problems if the victim was unconscious, though.

  46. You can’t be held criminally responsible for behavior that is truly involuntary. However, you can be held responsible if you know that you have a particular condition that causes you to act involuntarily and you voluntarily put yourself in a situation where you know you might harm someone.

    So if one voluntarily puts oneself in a situation where one knows one might harm someone, one is legally responsible for that harm?

    This kinda makes the “fetuses are humans” position problematic, nu? If one gets pregnant, there is always the risk of miscarriage, thus one should not put oneself in a position to miscarry … i.e. one should not voluntarily get pregnant.

    Which explains the righty-tighty opposition to family planning: it isn’t that they are against birth control per se, but against people choosing to get pregnant … ’cause they would believe any miscarriage then would make the couple legally responsible for an avoidable wrongful death?

  47. Personal anecdote: about 8 months ago I woke up from a really steamy dream to find I was being fondled by my boyfriend, who was asleep next to me. We usually sleep in a spooning position with one of his hands on my breast and my hand on top of his, so it really isn’t much of a jump from sleeping to groping, and in my half-asleep state I enjoyed the hell out of it. Of course, we both woke up once we realized what was going on, and were both fully present before we moved on to full-blown nookie.

    I’m not sure about the idea of sexsomnia. On the one hand it seems like a really crappy excuse that could be leapt upon by men of little morals, but at the same time I remember when my little sister used to walk and talk in her sleep. She was ashmatic as a child and her meds had her all over the house at odd hours of the night. It got to the point where my parents were worried about her unlocking the doors and wandering off in her sleep, but she remembered nothing.

  48. After reading the Supreme Court of Canada case R. v. Stone, where a guy was sleepwalking, and got in his car, drove to his in-laws’ house, murdered his mother-in-law and seriously wounded his father-in-law, all while asleep, I’m willing to buy that someone can put a penis into a vagina while asleep.

  49. I know a woman who has said she does this (though she didn’t know there was a name for it.) She said that she doesn’t seem to take off clothes in this state, so she wears pajama pants and says that keeps it to humping — but apparently she has initiated sex with past partners while asleep, and woken people up by humping them (so she warns people before agreeing to sleep next to them.)

    So at least ONE woman seems to have it.

  50. What’s the most worrisome about the Luedecke rape case is that this guy didn’t merely grope the unconscious woman, he removed his clothing, removed her clothing, put on a condom, and then had sex with her. All while asleep? Reminds me of another “sleepwalker” case where a guy actually drove out to his parents in law’s house and murdered them…while asleep, according to him. He was acquitted. That case happened in Canada, too. I just find it fishy. I used to sleepwalk, but the most sophisticated activities I could manage was opening the front door and walking down the driveway. I would sometimes say nonsensical things, and once I threw my nightgown into the toilet. I always had to have my bedroom on the first floor of the house so I wouldn’t fall down the stairs. I’m skeptical that people are able to manage such things as finding, opening, and placing a condom on oneself (let alone driving!) while asleep.

  51. I don’t know how much this counts, but when my fiance was sharing a dorm room with a friend of his, they would have very involved and coherent conversations while they were both asleep. They had absolutely no memory of it, but it was carried on at a normal speaking tone, and their co-suitemates overheard them a number of times. And even now, if I call my fiance too early in the morning and he’s still groggy, I’ll have to ask him if he’s alseep, because I’ve had a few conversations that he swears we’ve never had, because he was asleep at the time.

  52. Man, my partner and I BOTH do this. Regularly. Bizarrely, I never used to do the sleep-sex thing before I was with him, but he has done it with past partners, too. Most of the time he doesn’t even remember doing it. Some of the time, I don’t. Of the times I do remember, I actually can recall us falling asleep from time to time and then carrying on. It’s also not mood dependent-there are times when we are absolutely balls out furious with each other and wouldn’t touch each other if it meant we’d both get seats on a lifeboat off the Titanic-and yet he’ll kick something off in his sleep anyway (once he woke up after a “Titanic” fight night and rejected me with disgust. I can’t begin to tell you the level of fighting that broke out in our house afterwards.)

    But yeah. We do of the sex sleep. I had no idea there was a study on it. Honest. I thought it was just “one of those things”.

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