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Oh, He Did NOT Lick Lt. Uhura!

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From Jennifer at Chaos theory, a story on why Andy Dick is disturbed and should stop being hired as a “comedian:”

August 15, 2006 — KOOKY comedian Andy Dick went bonkers at the Comedy Central roast of William Shatner on Sunday night – licking the faces of Farrah Fawcett, Carrie Fisher and Patton Oswalt before biting Post reporter Mandy Stadtmiller on the hand during a bizarre backstage meltdown.

Dick’s face-licking frenzy began after Oswalt made a crack about the scraggly star’s rollerskate-licking turn in Jessica Simpson’s video, “A Public Affair.” Dick retaliated by unleashing his tongue on Oswalt’s face before turning it on Fawcett, Fisher and “Star Trek” actress Nichelle Nichols during the taping at the Radford CBS Studio in Studio City, Calif.

Note that, other than Oswalt — who made the crack — all of his victims were women. I doubt he’d try that with Leonard Nimoy. But a woman who was persuaded not to quit her job by MLK because her role was so groundbreaking, and who inspired Dr. Mae Jemison to become an astronaut? Hey, she’s just a woman. It’s safe to assault her.

Backstage at the after-party, a drunken Dick groped an appalled Stadtmiller, tried to kiss her, proclaimed his love for her and finally bit her hand.

“Baby please,” Dick repeated six times. “Put in something nice,” he said after urinating in front of the horrified journalist in his dressing room and offering her cocaine.

“They’re so mean,” he ranted. “I’m not weird. Maybe I’m a little weird, they make me out to be a monster, I’m not a monster . . . I just want to have fun, baby please.”

Does this situation remind you of anything? The assault on a female reporter, the freaking out over what the reporter might write, the bizarre behavior and sense of entitlement, the fake remorse?

But of course it gets worse:

Dick, who performed his roast routine dressed in full Trekkie regalia, said that he downed two vodka cranberries to give him the courage to talk to fellow roaster Fawcett – of whom he said, “I’m going to [bleep] the [bleep] out of. Put that in Page 6, 7 and 8, that’s how big my [bleep] is.”

Well, at least he didn’t have his lawyer vouch for the size of his equipment.

Explaining to Stadtmiller why he urinated in front of her, Dick said, “You know why I don’t close the door? Because then people think I’m doing drugs, and I want you to know I’m just normal.”

And why did Dick go on his licking spree? “I was doing it because I was desperately trying to tie the show together like a fisherman with tuna, and you’re a little piece of fresh tuna,” Dick told Stadtmiller. “But thanks for asking. Do you want me to lick your face now?”

The comments about Fawcett are especially creepy. He probably figures that just because he beat off to her poster in the 70s that he was entitled to [bleep] the [bleep] out of her — and that she was a bitch for (undoubtedly) being rather unhappy about the situation when he assaulted her.

Long story short: this guy is seriously unbalanced, and the industry needs to stop rewarding him with attention and money. It’s not like he’s funny, either.

25 thoughts on Oh, He Did NOT Lick Lt. Uhura!

  2. Now I feel silly. After about five seconds of googling I pull up this:

    Are you sensitive about your bisexuality?

    It makes other people sensitive. Straight people say, “C’mon, you know you’re just gay,” and gay people say, “C’mon, you know you’re just gay,” and everybody just wants to make me gay! There is such a thing as bisexual. People want black and white. And I enjoy being bisexual. I enjoy being with men and I enjoy being with women, but tonight I will be with one of each and I’ll be on the outside on the sidelines watching, having fun. Something happened to me sexually when I was a child that tweaked my reality.

    Do you think your sexuality is related to what you have called your abusive childhood?

    My parents just neglected me, I wasn’t abused or anything. Neglect is a form of abuse. I was being neglected, not taught etiquette or proper things like what’s appropriate, and no boundaries were drawn.

    I found it a little interesting that the interviewer would immediately make the link between his “abusive childhood” and his sexuality. Like people are only gay (or bi or whatever) because they had a fucked-up childhood. This is all too much like Freudian “arrested development” or something similarly antiquated…

  3. You know, I saw him on an episode of the surreal life where he was pouring drinks down one of the resident’s throat all night, and then got really angry that she went to bed without sleeping with him – calling her a tease, etc. It was disgusting, and I was ready to put him in the date rapist category after that.

  4. Laughing at Andy Dick is no different from winding up mentally ill person to get a reaction and throw ridicule. That, in his illness, he has chosen this position as a career does not make us any better for being a part of it. Laughing at Andy Dick lowers us.

  7. I had no idea Andy Dick was such a shitbag. I used to watch his show and found it occasionally funny–but that was probably in the late 90s.

  8. I’m ashamed to say that he’s an alumnus of my old high school (along with that tramp from My Fair Brady, whatever her name is). Then again, I’m ashamed to say that I’m an alumnus of my old high school….

  9. Andy Dick has a long history of reported substance abuse. He’s a walking time-bomb. Makes me think of Chris Farley, actually. But, of course, people just lionize these guys no matter how fucked-up and crazy they become.

  10. I took an improv workshop with him about a year ago. And by improv workshop, I mean a bunch of people sat around while he changed subjects about like four times per sentence. It was like listening to a monologue that’s been run through Babelfish a few too many times. Tip of the freak-iceberg, looks like.

  11. He was voted off my island about 10 years ago when I read an article about his sexual addiction…he was so perv then (totally objectified anything and anyone into a sexual object, and was proud of it)…and now it doesn’t sound like he’s improved any…

  13. The comparison between Joe Francis and Andy Dick seems inapt to me. I guess because from what I’ve seen of Andy Dick, his behavior seems more driven by substance abuse (and probably some mental illness), whereas I think Joe Francis is just your run-of-the-mill misogynist prick who is taking full advantage of his fame and power to abuse women. I’m not excusing Andy Dick’s behavior at all, I just see different causes at work, and I think I see him as possibly redeemable, whereas I consider Francis to be a lost cause (and someone who should most likely be locked up rather than treated by mental health/substance abuse professionals).

    …along with that tramp from My Fair Brady, whatever her name is

    Um, real nice. And what makes her a “tramp” exactly, according to you?

  14. Because a good portion of the popular american male thing is to see how far you can go and those like Andy Dick help others to live that out safely.

    I was thinking that asshats like him could be loaded on a raft and pushed out to sea, but there isn’t a raft big enough for them all. you’d have to build a fleet. Joe Francis can go with him for starts.

  17. Behavior like his did not come out of nowhere. I remember seeing a rerun of Carson with Loni Anderson on as the guest. She was wearing a sleeveless dress and at some point Carson started licking her shoulders. She did that nervous laugh thing. When I was attending an all women’s college and a magician put spiders on a classmate, clearly freaking her out, another classmate went up to the stage and told him to stop. We had been reprogramed not to accept the idea that making someone uncomfortable in front of a lot of people is entertaining. Unfortunately, we have a long social history of laughing at people who violate womens’ personal space or subject them to unwanted sexual touching instead of calling them on it. So call them on it, and not just when it is this egrigious. Always.

  18. bmc90, that shit’s hell on the spiders, too.

    I’ve been thinking that one revolutionary thing we can do as women is to learn about and empathize with other critters, and especially teach the girlkids early that they’re just beings trying to make a living with what they have, like the rest of us. Defuse the nonsense and gain more of the real world as our home, all at once. Might even pave the way towards a reasonable, scornful, WTF-do-you-think-you’re-doing? reaction to other “transgressive” crap from the guys.

  19. Oh, Ron, I think it is so much better to dress them in pink, give them a Baby Alive, and Easy-Bake Oven, and the hazy illusion that someone else is going to pay for them to stay home all day wiping up fake throwup and cooking plastic pies. Then after the divorce her husband can just get a court to order that the doll and oven go to the Island of Misfit Toys so he won’t have to pay support.

  20. I saw him the other day at our local ice cream stand. He had two ice-cream-cone-bearing kids with him and was cautioning one not to lick too hard.

    Guess he was speaking from experience.

  21. Ron Sullivan, thank you for observing that wildlife (including spiders and, for that matter, viruses) are “just…trying to make a living”. I have in fact used that very phrase with my own kids, and it really sums it up perfectly.

    No matter how many legs we have, we’re all in this handbasket together.

  23. He sounds borderline.

    and I know this is terribly terribly wrong, but per licking Farrah Fawcett’s face, my first horrified thought was “oh god, what if it came right off?”

  24. The entire time I read this article I thought it was about Conan O’Brien’s old sidekick, Andy Richter.

    I’m not sure that that adds anything to the discussion, but ther you go.

    And yeah, it sounds like Mr. Dick needs some serious psychological help.

  25. I think the comment, while valuable and insightful, have drifted from the most serious issue.

    Which is, of course, that Nichelle Nichols is totally awesome.

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