In defense of the sanctimonious women's studies set || First feminist blog on the internet

Dear Anonymous Girl,

Lauren

I have a very hard time picking up after my own crap, so I sympathize, really, but I would prefer it if you picked up after your dog after it craps in my lawn.

This is partly why Chef asked you to pick up the dog poop that your dog left on my lawn last night, interrupting your Very Important Phone Call about how drunk you were last weekend. I don’t particularly like stepping in in a load, nor does Ethan when he goes out to play. Not to mention the way that dog crap in the open air tends to breed flies, which is a nuisance I really don’t want to deal with since I don’t own any dogs. Chef did decide not to remind you to keep your dog on a leash, which is also a city law, so consider that a kindness.

Is it so hard to carry a bag with you? There are trash cans everywhere. Use the ones in my driveway if it will keep the poop off my grass.

What I didn’t expect was to have to pick up the sack of empty beer cans in my yard that you threw from your car in retaliation last night sometime after 1am. Lucky for me, you left a receipt in the garbage which I found this morning with your Molson Ice cans and Express bag as I left for work.

Thank you for reminding me why I love living on campus so much. I look forward to calling the towing company this fall when someone parks his or her car in front of my driveway before the big game, as it seems to happen annually. I hope it’s your car.

Welcome back, students. We’ve missed you so.

37 thoughts on Dear Anonymous Girl,

  1. Sweet.

    We’ll have to come over and help you some night. We can follow her home, then go back later in the night and do some creative work with dog shit.

    I’m just waiting for the broken beer bottles strewn all over the neighborhoods. We’ve decided this year we’ll note the address and come back, sweep up the glass, and deposit it under their doorsteps. Or under the car tires, we haven’t quite figured out which. Care to join?

  2. I try not to let my dog shit in people’s yards, but everyonce in a while he will. I always scan to make sure there’s no one looking, but even so, you can never be too sure. Someone could be looking out a shaded upstairs window. I don’t pick it up either. You expect me carry around moist, stinking, steeaming DOG SHIT IN A PLASTIC BAG? That’s crazy talk. Why can’t you just let it harden and then push it to the curb with a stick? It’s not like people take their dogs up to your front door and let them shit on your welcome mat. As far as I know they keep to the PERIMETER, right? No one uses that part of the yard anyway. Just pretend there’s an imaginary sidewalk there and it’s not really your yard anyway, problem solved.

    One time my dog really had to take a shit but someone was mowing their lawn, so I had to keep yanking him away from their yard. He ended up dropping a bomb in the middle of the street. I was mortified but kept right on walking. Once I was out of sight I laughed the entire remaining block home.

    Also, some times I carry a plastic bag and when my dog takes a shit, I bend over and pretend to pick it up–all David Blaine-style. So if you’re seriously keeping an eye on your neighbor, make sure he doesn’t have a Lincoln Log placed in that bag instead of shit. But if I were you, I would let it go. The anger only hurts you. If you don’t believe me, read some Buddhism.

    Also, you never specified what kind of dog. It makes all the difference in the world whether it’s a great dane or chihuaha.

  3. Call me psycho, but I was tempted to set up a camera this morning and lie in waiting with a BB gun. Really shitty way to begin the day, no pun intended.

    The worst part is how everyone just litters in people’s lawns like it’s nothing, then has the nerve to get angry when someone catches them. I can’t tell you the number of times that’s happened here.

  4. We lived in a neighborhood where they had little poop patrol stations all over with trash cans and stocked with plastic bags, and lots of “pick you the poop” signs about. On of the stations was about 20 yards from my house.

    But I lived on a corner house. And there seems to be some loophole in the pooper-scooper rule that says that if your dog poops on a corner lot, you can leave it. Perhaps it has to do with the centrifugal force required in making the turn hampering efforts to bend over and scoop. Dunno. In any case we always had the poop.

  5. Is comment #2 for real?

    You expect me carry around moist, stinking, steeaming DOG SHIT IN A PLASTIC BAG?

    Yes. Don’t like it? Adopt a cat.

    Really, some people.

  6. Well, Laverne, um, yes, you are expected to walk around carrying a bag of dog shit. It may be the law in your community. I pretty much see it as the decent thing to do. Even though I AM a dog owner, I don’t like finding other dogs’ shit in my yard whether it is on the perimeter or not. I will carry the noxious bag to the closest can. Even if that turns out to be back at my house a mile down the road.

    I have even gone back later to pick it up if I forgot to bring a bag or he surprised me with a second poop. (He doesn’t usually do that)

    Now honestly, I’m not so sure it’s a good idea to dump all of this stuff in our landfills, but I like to be a good neighbor.

    Too bad your neighbor doesn’t, Lauren.

  7. Don’t like it? Adopt a cat.

    And then, several times a week, you can drag a gigantic bag of petrified turds and urine to the curb that magically clears out your sinuses.

  9. And then, several times a week, you can drag a gigantic bag of petrified turds and urine to the curb that magically clears out your sinuses.

    Exactly. It’s like homeopathic or something.

  10. Pick up the shit yourself. The fresher the better. Leave the bag open. Toss in some eggs (spoiled is better) and some milk (again, spoiled is better). Shake cautiously to mix. Tie the bag loosely, approach the offending neighbor’s door, and hurl that puppy like nature intended.

  11. OMG- it’s true. They return. Like the great mongol hoard, the little boilers return. Life is sooooo much nicer on campus without them. Reason number 1 I live in Laf is to keep away from them.

    Ivan

  13. Could we include the a-hole whose 400lb dog pooped in front of my mailbox? I ruined a fabulous pair of sequined flip flops and was washing my feet for an hour. And dropped the Sunday paper in the pile. I say it again, A-HOLE!!

  14. You expect me carry around moist, stinking, steeaming DOG SHIT IN A PLASTIC BAG? That’s crazy talk.

    No, crazy talk is the opposite of asking you to be a considerate, responsible dog owner. Crazy talk is stuff like “Millenium hand and shrimp!” or “Go fuck yourself, you insensitive fuck!”

  15. Experienced comment readers will surmise that I left my true feelings about laverne hidden somewhere coded in the above comment, like a well-concealed pile of dog shit underneath my be-thonged feet in the morning while walking my own dog, plastic bag in hand. For those of you that aren’t so good at reading between the lines, the word “shrimp” is not involved.

  17. Auguste? #15 was about the funniest thing I’ve read in awhile. What a great comment.

    And I completely, whole-heartedly second what you replied to Laverne.

  18. Laverne: My front yard is extremely short. The “perimeter” is basically three feet from my front steps. I quite frequently use that area of the yard. Besides that, it’s my yard, I pay the taxes and fees for this property. If you want your dog to take a shit somewhere, take it on the perimeter of your own yard, not mine.

    Of course, I could always come put some dog shit at the “perimeter” of your living room. Why would you object to that? It’s not like you’re going to be walking around that area very often. Besides, once it’s hardened, you can just take a stick and push it somewhere else! I’m really not seeing a problem with this.

  19. He ended up dropping a bomb in the middle of the street. I was mortified but kept right on walking. Once I was out of sight I laughed the entire remaining block home.

    My god but you’re an antisocial little turd.

    Do you think it’s funny when dogs shit on football pitches as well? Do you still think it’s funny when some kid playing football slips and skins his knee and stuff out of the dog shit gets into the wound and he ends up getting his leg amputated? (Incidents like this do happen on park pitches in UK cities. Dog-fouling rules exist for a reason.)

  20. I try not to let my dog shit in people’s yards, but everyonce in a while he will. I always scan to make sure there’s no one looking, but even so, you can never be too sure. Someone could be looking out a shaded upstairs window. I don’t pick it up either. You expect me carry around moist, stinking, steeaming DOG SHIT IN A PLASTIC BAG? That’s crazy talk.

    I especially love the bit about always scanning to make sure there’s no one looking. Because your filthy, anti-social habits are so much more acceptable as long as you don’t get caught!

  21. Laverne must live in my neighborhood because dogs are always crapping on my lawn (corner lot here too). I hate picking up after my dog too, but I do it because I’m not an irresponsible moron. Turn the bag inside out, pick up the poop, tie the bag around the leash tightly and you never have to touch it. Problem solved.

  22. if you don’t want to touch the poop, carry a flyer along with the bag. when dog squats, position flyer under butt (dog’s, not your own).

    most people just pick it through the bag, but the flyer approach avoids even having to feel the mushiness.

  25. Am I too late to call Laverne a fucking asshole?

    It’s never too late to call someone like that a fucking asshole. Or you could go The Simpsons route: “You, madame, are worse than Hitler.”

    I have a dog, and yes, I have carried a little bag of poop for a block or more before finding a trashcan. If, god forbid, Laverne reproduces, she will probably leave shitty diapers in public as well.

  26. I work at home, and I occasionally see a dog coming into my yard unattended. I try to grab them, and if they have a tag: first time they go home, second time I call the dog officer; if no tag, to the dog officer. Man, I hate stepping in fresh dog turd in my yard (in a Michael Coreleone voice) IN MY YARD, where MY children play.

  29. Obviously, Laverne has never stepped in dog poo with bare feet (since it’s my yard, and I don’t HAVE a dog, I should be able to assume there won’t BE dog poo in my yard. Hence, I almost never wear shoes in the summer). Or had small children** who don’t know any better yet decide to play with it. (God forbid they are small enough that “what gets picked up gets put in mouth” — one would assume children THAT small are supervised, but one really shouldn’t *assume* anything.)

    ** I don’t have small children either, but there are a LOT in my neighborhood. And a lot of dogs, for that matter.

    Granted, there IS rather a difference between Chihuahua poo and Great Dane poo in terms of volume, but I’d rather have healthy Great Dane poo deposited in my yard than chronically sick and runny Chihuahua poo. And then there’s the “pile” vs. “trail” factor….

    Ok — enough with this already! Pick up after yer durn dogs, or let them crap in YOUR yard where YOU get to deal with it!!! Sheesh…!

  30. The neighbor’s dog shit on you lawn, eh? And when you politely told them to cut it out they responded by throwing trash on your lawn, eh? Well, apropos of nothing really, have you ever looked at the base of the windshield of most cars? There’s usually a vent there, through which the car’s ventilation system draws outside air into the car’s interior.

  31. For those who don’t want to route dog poop to the landfill, I believe there is something called a “Doggie Dooley” that one puts the poop into. It sorta digests it, I believe, and allows the result to seep out underground.
    As someone who has spent the last few weeks cleaning up after a diarrheic cat, frequently on carpet, I have no sympathy for anyone who doesn’t scoop the poop. By the way, Lauren, should you be in need of some truly obnoxious poop for purposes of, oh, instruction of the ignorant, I have a good supply, and it’s guaranteed free of parasites.

  32. I regulary put my one year old in the grass with a toy ot two while I water the flowers in front. Yes, he is supervised but that doesn’t mean he might find a turd or shard of glass & get it in his mouth before I scurry over to him and remove it. He’s quick like that sometimes. So, every freaking evening (except when it rains) I first have to scan the yard in case some fucktard like laverne has dropped by, pick up the shit & glass on my lawn and throw it away.

    And while we’re at it, why do people allow their dogs to pee on flowers? I don’t mind a little burnt spot in the grass because it grows back, but I get pissed when you kill my flowers.

  33. For those who don’t want to route dog poop to the landfill, I believe there is something called a “Doggie Dooley” that one puts the poop into. It sorta digests it, I believe, and allows the result to seep out underground.

    That’s brilliant. I don’t know why I find it so amusing, but I love it to no end.

  34. W. Kiernan (#30) apropos of nothing, most car door handles these days are of a design such that dog poo smeared under the handle is not visible.

    I had a friend who responded to a dog crapping on his lawn by running out the door, scooping the poo up in his bare hand and throwing it directly at the head of the offending dog owner. He didn’t say a word, but I think the message got across.

  35. W. Kiernan (#30) apropos of nothing, most car door handles these days are of a design such that dog poo smeared under the handle is not visible.

    No, no — too traceable. Complain about dog poop, get dog poop under the door handle.

    Those nice air vents, though, are the *perfect* place for a little dairy.

  37. I believe the corpse lily from a few posts up could be useful in this context. So could a small poo-hurling trebuchet, but then when wouldn’t that be useful?
    An acquaintance of mine once had her revenge on a particularly obnoxious neighbor with a white car by planting a mulberry tree. Birds really, really love mulberries, and their prodigious consumption of the berries causes them to poop purple. The consequences of violet-voiding birds in the vicinity of a white car are left as an exercise for the reader.

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