In a not terribly startling finding, a new study has found that over 50% of Australian women have had (gasp!) casual sex:
In a study of more than 650 women of all ages, 53 per cent admitted to having a mate for regular but non-committed sex during their lifetime.
Sexologist Stacey Demarco said this type of relationship offered women a safer sexual environment than a classic one night stand.
But it still allowed them to be emotionally unattached.
And, God knows we can’t have that.
That this is a surprise in this day and age is probably a reflection of lingering attitudes about women’s “natural” sexuality, as described here by someone in Amanda’s Very Special Moderation Queue:
“Slut” as a derogatory term goes to female evoltionary history and the need to control sexual behavior for what used to be the inevitable outcome. Women who gave it up easily were damaging to themselves and their families gene pool because sex always produced babies. No telling how those babies would turn out if girls slept with whatever idiot or unhealthy man came along. We needed a derogatory slur to talk about girls who don’t hold out till Mr. Good Genes comes along. No such term for guys because there is no such risk. The more babies you make as a guy the more potentially successful offspring. This stuff is hardwired into many people. My question is should we attempt to suppress this natural caution in women. I don’t want my daughters to become smitten with and emotionally attached to the first dolt that is willing to give them an orgasm. On the other hand, once they have Mr. Right, I hope they let down every inhibition within that relationship.
As Amanda so ably notes, Mr. “I hope my daughters keep their legs shut and then fuck like crazed weasels in their marriage beds so they can pass on my good genes” misses a rather big flaw in his reasoning: if women are so naturally cautious, why the need for shaming? Of course, the answer may lie in his penultimate sentence: I don’t want my daughters to become smitten with and emotionally attached to the first dolt that is willing to give them an orgasm.
Because women, of course, cannot have sex with said dolt without becoming smitten. Women are emotional creatures, who see sex as an expression of love, and whose clitorises are directly connected to their hearts.
Now, I’ve known plenty of women who make that mistake. Who think that having sex means that there are feelings there. Or that you can only really enjoy sex if you’re in love.
Hell, no! It’s quite possible, and fulfilling, to have a booty-call relationship, so long as the parameters and expectations are clear:
“As long as both parties understand the parameters of the ‘relationship’ this is a healthy way to go,” Ms Demarco said.
“Rules such as what happens if one of you meets someone else `serious’ and safe sex practices need to be discussed upfront, so no one gets hurt.”
The real problem with this kind of arrangement comes in when one partner develops feelings for the other (it does happen; we are human, after all), and those feelings aren’t returned. Then it’s the kind of uncomfortable — nay, miserable — arrangement that probably leads to conversion to highly dogmatic religions with very restrictive views on sex and birth control and evangelism in the name of said views.
That, or fucking drummers.
Of course, not everyone believes that the results of the study (sponsored by a manufacturer of a “female enhancement” supplement) are an unqualified good:
Ms Demarco said the results showed Australian women had an increasingly flexible approach to relationships and were not single-mindedly focussed on finding long-term love.
Instead, they were prepared to enter regular but casual relationships with men who were their sexual match but possibly not suited in other ways, she said.
Professor Susan Davis, a women’s health expert at Monash University, agreed women had a freer attitude to sex these days, but said they still valued the traditional relationship.
“This shows that young women believe they have a right, like men, to just have sex,” Prof Davis said.
“In a survey, they might flippantly say they’re into these (booty call) relationships … but in reality, we shouldn’t undervalue the fact that for young women having a partner is actually very important.”
For that matter, we shouldn’t undervalue the fact that for young men (and older men — and older women, too), having a partner is actually very important.
I mean, most people want to be partnered (at least until they have been, and then the bloom is off the rose should it end badly). Even people who spend their younger years bouncing from booty call to booty call would like to find a steady partner — at least eventually. Hell, even cynical and bitter old me finds herself hoping against hope that something might actually work out for once (though, frankly, I’m reaching my limit of disappointment before I pack it in and head off to the convent). But, if I can find mutually agreeable casual-sex partners with whom I’m on the same page, why the hell should I stay celibate until I find twoo wuv?
Samhita brings up some very good points about cultural expectations, and whether casual sex is even possible in a patriarchy:
The article doesn’t discuss gay relationships, where the parameters of casual sex and open relationships are different. Furthermore, I am ALL for booty calls (trust) however, I wonder is casual sex possible for women in a patriarchal society? Men benefit so much from dating/heteronormative culture (not always by choice, but most of the time). For example, women that have casual sex are often labeled whores or too sexually aggressive. Whereas, men are seen as studs. Also, sentiments such as jealousy, neediness, romantic fantasy, beauty standards, these are all ideas that are rammed into young peoples heads creating really intense (and complicated) expections upon the way women are supposed to act with respect to sex and romance.
And those expectations are reflected in the experts responding to the article. Professor Davis, with her concern that women who respond to this survey are being “flippant” and in denial about their real, true need for a “traditional” partner (read: husband), is voicing an attitude milder than, but very much related to, that of Mr. Crazed Weasels above. For their own good, women must give up the illusion of sexual freedom and experimentation and channel their sexual energies into societally-approved forms. And society doesn’t approve when women like a booty call now and then.