Yesterday’s Cary Tennis column is a doozy, starting with the headline:
I suspect my wife’s “miscarriage” was not spontaneous
Oh, that just speaks of a strong, healthy relationship, dunnit?
I strongly suspect that my wife’s miscarriage last year was intentional, i.e., she had an induced abortion. At the time we were both 31 years old with a combined income of just over 100K. We were married for about a year. My wife was on medication for depression and anxiety (Paxil with the occasional Xanax). The pregnancy was unplanned and she expressed a desire to terminate the pregnancy a few days after we found out, saying she wasn’t ready to have kids yet, maybe in another year. I really wanted to have a baby and was very upset that she felt this way. We made an appointment for counseling about two weeks out. However, prior to that she claims she had a miscarriage.
So here we have a newly-married, two-income couple where the wife, suffering from anxiety and depression finds herself pregnant and isn’t ready. The husband is.
Not that uncommon a situation, I suppose, and yes, it must suck to be the guy who wants the kid when his wife doesn’t, but ultimately, it’s her decision. Just because you park your sperm inside a woman doesn’t mean you get to control the uterus.
Already we can tell that this isn’t a healthy relationship. I understand that people don’t always view depression and anxiety as “real” problems, but they are. And you’d think he might be a little supportive. But no, when she miscarries, he immediately suspects that she had an abortion. Never mind that something like 25% of all pregnancies end in spontaneous abortion, some so early on that there’s really no reason to go to the hospital. He thinks it was just too conveeeeenient, because she got to have her way prior to undergoing the “counseling” that he demanded (the purpose of which, I’m sure, he expected to be to have someone else help him berate her into keeping the child).
As these things do, it gets worse.
Without going into all the details, the circumstantial evidence strongly suggests she’s lying to me. Also, I’ve had the opportunity to speak with several doctors who have pointed out numerous problems with her timeline, medicine and explanations to me that wouldn’t pass the smell test with a first-year med student. Her story initially fooled me because I’m a guy and didn’t know a thing about pregnancy other than how to start one.
Details, schmetails. I’m just some dumb fuck who got tricked by a scheming woman. Or so my doctor friends tell me — and they went to the Bill Frist School of Remote Diagnosis!
About two weeks later, when I confronted her with my concerns (as nicely as possible considering the gravity of the situation) she became extremely upset and flat-out denied everything. Her attitude was basically, “How dare you suggest I would do something so awful,” and she refused to answer any specific questions. I backed down, considering that, regardless of which was true, both scenarios would be emotionally burdensome to any woman.
I spent the next several weeks avoiding the situation and being as supportive as one could expect, hoping that once there was some distance we could talk in more detail. When I brought it up again about two and a half months later, she reacted the same way. I suggested she get a copy of her medical records, which according to my doctor friends would absolutely state “spontaneous abortion” or “SAB,” if true, and settle the matter conclusively. Same reaction.
Gosh, I can’t think of why your wife might be a bit offended that you’re not only accusing her of lying to you, but that you’re demanding to see her medical records.
What this turd-toucher is leaving out, of course — those insignificant little details — is exactly what happened, and how she told him about the miscarriage. Because almost everyone I know who’s been married and suffers a miscarriage lets their husband know right away that something’s gone wrong, whether or not the situation requires immediate medical attention. At best, this sounds like he’s uninvolved, and at worst, it sounds like he’s so controlling and unpleasant that she doesn’t bother him with little things like accompanying her on doctor visits.
Now, there’s always a chance that she did go out and get an abortion, which she had every right to do. It’s her body, after all, and she was the one who didn’t want to have a baby. In which case, her lying about it indicates that there are either bigger problems with her than anxiety or depression, or that there are serious problems in the marriage.
And if there weren’t serious problems in the marriage before, there are now. How much do you want to bet that, should she become unexpectedly pregnant again, she *will* go out and have an abortion and won’t bother telling him that she’s pregnant?
In the meantime, medical privacy laws were made for assholes like these:
My problem: If I insist she get a copy of her medical records and they show it was a legitimate miscarriage, I win Asshole of the Year and do serious harm to the marriage. If I do nothing, this will eat away at me for some time, also not good for the marriage. If the records show that it was an induced abortion, it will be difficult but I will forgive her. The one sure thing is that the status quo cannot be maintained. Thoughts?