And crazy knows no religious bounds, as nutjobs of all stripes look up at God and yell, “Bring it on!”
For thousands of years, prophets have predicted the end of the world. Today, various religious groups, using the latest technology, are trying to hasten it.
Their endgame is to speed the promised arrival of a messiah.
Is it just me, or does this seem a little, you know, sacreligious? Trying to hasten the Apocalypse through bribing, tricking, or otherwise fucking around with God doesn’t seem like a great idea. If the faithful really believe that God is infallible, then shouldn’t they be waiting for the End of Times to come about whenever He’s good and ready?
Well, no.
For some Christians this means laying the groundwork for Armageddon.
With that goal in mind, mega-church pastors recently met in Inglewood to polish strategies for using global communications and aircraft to transport missionaries to fulfill the Great Commission: to make every person on Earth aware of Jesus’ message. Doing so, they believe, will bring about the end, perhaps within two decades.
And fear not, kids, it’s not only Christians. No, godbaggery is an equal-opportunity problem.
In Iran, President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has a far different vision. As mayor of Tehran in 2004, he spent millions on improvements to make the city more welcoming for the return of a Muslim messiah known as the Mahdi, according to a recent report by the American Foreign Policy Center, a nonpartisan think tank.
To the majority of Shiites, the Mahdi was the last of the prophet Muhammad’s true heirs, his 12 righteous descendants chosen by God to lead the faithful.
Ahmadinejad hopes to welcome the Mahdi to Tehran within two years.
Conversely, some Jewish groups in Jerusalem hope to clear the path for their own messiah by rebuilding a temple on a site now occupied by one of Islam’s holiest shrines.
Because really, what would be the point of encouraging the Messiah’s arrival if you can’t simultaneously piss on someone else’s religion?
Then there is Clyde Lott, a Mississippi revivalist preacher and cattle rancher. He is trying to raise a unique herd of red heifers to satisfy an obscure injunction in the Book of Numbers: the sacrifice of a blemish-free red heifer for purification rituals needed to pave the way for the messiah.
So far, only one of his cows has been verified by rabbis as worthy, meaning they failed to turn up even three white or black hairs on the animal’s body.
Good luck with that one, Clyde.
Though there are myriad interpretations of how it will play out, the basic Christian apocalyptic countdown — as described by the Book of Revelation in the New Testament — is as follows:
Jews return to Israel after 2,000 years, the Holy Temple is rebuilt, billions of people perish during seven years of natural disasters and plagues, the antichrist arises and rules the world, the battle of Armageddon erupts in the vicinity of Israel, Jesus returns to defeat Satan’s armies and preside over Judgment Day.
Sounds like we all have a lot to look forward to, especially all of you non-Christians — and bad Christians like me — who will be fried up like maggots in hot grease. (And you wondered why the Evangelicals were so concerned about Israel!).
This end-of-days nonsense, of course, is nothing new:
Generations of Christians have hoped for the Second Coming of Jesus, said UCLA historian Eugen Weber, author of the 1999 book “Apocalypses: Prophecies, Cults and Millennial Beliefs Through the Ages.”
“And it’s always been an ultimately bloody hope, a slaughterhouse hope,” he added with a sigh. “What we have now in this global age is a vaster and bloodier-than-ever Wagnerian version. But, then, we are a very imaginative race.”
And apparently a very stupid one.
Some religious scholars saw apocalyptic fever rise as the year 2000 approached, and they expected it to subside after the millennium arrived without a hitch.
It didn’t. According to various polls, an estimated 40% of Americans believe that a sequence of events presaging the end times is already underway.
So when they say, “This country is going to Hell,” they mean it as a literal observation, eh?
“Jesus Christ commissioned his disciples to go to the ends of the Earth and tell everyone how they could achieve eternal life,” said James Davis, president of the Global Pastors Network’s “Billion Souls Initiative,” one of an estimated 2,000 initiatives worldwide designed to boost the Christian population.
Funny, if you substituted “Mohammed” for “Jesus Christ” and “Muslim” for “Christian,” this would be all over the pages of every conservative/religious publication out there as evidence of the Muslim threat to the world, coupled with cries of how those evil-doers want to convert you and take over the West.
“As we advance around the world,” Davis said, “we’ll be shortening the time needed to fulfill that Great Commission. Then, the Bible says, the end will come.”
Insert “Quran” for “Bible,” and begin the hyperventilation.
An opposing vision, invoked by Ahmadinejad in an address before the United Nations last year, suggests that the Imam Mahdi, a 9th century figure, will soon emerge from a well to conquer the world and convert everyone to Islam.
And…. go.
For Christians, the future of Israel is the key to any end-times scenario, and various groups are reaching out to Jews — or proselytizing among them — to advance the Second Coming.
Aww, how sweet of them! I’m sure Jews world-wide really appreciate this.
A growing number of fundamentalist Christians in mostly Southern states are adopting Jewish religious practices to align themselves with prophecies saying that Gentiles will stand as one with Jews when the end is near.
“When the end is near” — and when the final moment comes, those Christ-killers will burn. Can’t say we didn’t warn ya!
Evangelist John C. Hagee of the 19,000-member Cornerstone Church in San Antonio has helped 12,000 Russian Jews move to Israel, and donated several million dollars to Israeli hospitals and orphanages.
“We are the generation that will probably see the rapture of the church,” Hagee said, referring to a moment in advance of Jesus’ return when the world’s true believers will be airlifted into heaven.
“In Christian theology, the first thing that happens when Christ returns to Earth is the judgment of nations,” said Hagee, who wears a Jewish prayer shawl when he ministers. “It will have one criterion: How did you treat the Jewish people? Anyone who understands that will want to be on the right side of that question. Those who are anti-Semitic will go to eternal damnation.”
Uh oh. This is not good news for certain Republicans, conservative writers, wing–nuts and religious leaders.
By contrast, Bill McCartney, a former University of Colorado football coach and co-founder of the evangelical Promise Keepers movement for men, which became huge in the 1990s, has had a devil of a time getting his own apocalyptic campaign off the ground.
It’s called The Road to Jerusalem, and its mission is to convert Jews to Christianity — while there is still time.
“Our whole purpose is to hasten the end times,” he said. “The Bible says Jews will be brought to jealousy when they see Christians and Jewish believers together as one — they’ll want to be a part of that. That’s going to signal Jesus’ return.”
Jews and others who don’t accept Jesus, he added matter-of-factly, “are toast.”
At least he doesn’t mince words. Another reason to love those Promise Keepers.
Given end-times scenarios saying that non-believers will die before Jesus returns — and that the antichrist will rule from Jerusalem’s rebuilt Holy Temple — Jews have mixed feelings about the outpouring of support Israel has been getting from evangelical organizations.
You don’t say.
Meanwhile, in what has become a spectacular annual routine, Jews — hoping to rebuild the Holy Temple destroyed by the Romans in AD 70 — attempt to haul the 6 1/2 -ton cornerstones by truck up to the Temple Mount, the site now occupied by the Dome of the Rock shrine. Each year, they are turned back by police.
Among those turned away is Gershon Solomon, spokesman for Jerusalem’s Temple Institute. When the temple is built, he said, “Islam is over.”
Awesome.
But talk about cognitive dissonance:
“I’m grateful for all the wonderful Christian angels wanting to help us,” Solomon added, acknowledging the political support from “Christians who are now Israel’s best lobbyists in the United States.”
However, when asked to comment on the fate of non-Christians upon the Second Coming of Jesus, he said, “That’s a very embarrassing question. What can I tell you? That’s a very terrible Christian idea.
“What kind of religion is it that expects another religion will be destroyed?”
Uh… good question, sir.
This whole thing reminds me of the plot of Skinny Legs and All. Except that that book was entertaining because the characteres were so ridiculous. And this, friends, is real life.