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Another Amazing Woman

Jill

Yvette Cade.

After her husband set her on fire in an attempt to kill her, she was left severely scarred. But she still shows up and speaks out.

“Women should never feel responsible for a man’s violence,” she said on the [Oprah Winfrey] show. “But they do need to know the warning signs, and they need to know what they can do to get out of an abusive situation safely.”

This article really shows how the system fails survivors of intimate violence. After years of abuse, Cade finally got up the courage to leave her abuser. She moved out. She filed for divorce. She got a restraining order. She tried to get a protective order. She did everything that she was supposed to do. And she still almost died because of him.

Good for her for talking about this issue so frankly and openly. She’s an inspiration, and I have no doubt that her story will help countless women.

22 thoughts on Another Amazing Woman

  2. My hat goes off to Yvette Cade and my prayers go with her. She is an inspiration to those of us who have scars, though not as horrific as hers, from years of spousal abuse. My husband abused me and my children physically, emotionally and verbally for over 20 years. I consider myself an intelligent woman yet I let this go on. Why? My husband was a master manipulator and narcissist. I suspect many abusers are. He talked a good game and “brainwashed” me early in our marriage into thinking the abuse was provoked or deserved. He also had me convinced that I couldn’t make it in the world without him. With the help of a priet, counselor and caring friends I finally “woke up” but not until significant emotional damage had been done to my children and me. This I regret more that I can say.

    What can I add to Yvette Cade’s cautionary tale?

    1. Beware of husbands/partners who want to cut you off from the influence of others. They want to be the only ones putting thoughts in your head.

    2. Do not hesitate to get help and counsel if you suspect you are being manipulated or abused. Listen to friends or relatives if they tell you that he is not treating you “right.” Others often notice before we do. I made a huge mistake by not listening to the warnings of friends.

    3. Leave if you feel threatened. Get the court orders and do whatever you can legally to keep him away. Keep yourself and your children safe at all cost.

    4. As an evangelical Christian, I was especially vulnerable to my husband’s use of selected Bible verses taken out of context to enforce my “obedience” and “submission.” A priest or pastor worth his salt should see through this ploy immediately. If she/he doesn’t, find another church. You need help, not sermons on the duties of wives.

    5. Believe that you are a good person. You do not deserve, nor did you provoke the abuse. You don’t need him. You need yourself, whole and of sound mind and body, and you need a strong support network.

  3. I totally agree with Anna. I am a pretty independent, college-educated person and yet I found myself in an abusive relationship and stayed in it for various reasons (money for one, blaming myself for another, letting him make me think I was at fault, he moved us to a place where i had no support system… all the classic reasons I guess). I’d like to add…

    6. If you don’t get the help you need where you look for it, don’t give up. Look somewhere else. There are a lot of overworked, cynical yahoos in the system that can thwart your efforts to help yourself–don’t let them sabotage your efforts.

    I think what Yvette Cade is doing is so very brave. Many women, including myself, convince themselves that things aren’t really that bad, that it will stop, that it won’t escalate, etc. It can be sort of surreal–something extremely abusive will happen followed by a period of utter tranquility where you almost forget there was abuse to begin with, and then you settle back in to daily routine and shelve any plans to “do something”. Denial is a powerful coping mechanism in an abusive household. Having someone like Yvette stand up and tell them … THIS is what can happen if you don’t face up to it… that’s a huge reality check. She’s going to save a lot of lives.

  4. She received an enormous emotional boost when Hargrave was found guilty of attempted first-degree murder. His defense was that he had set her on fire but that he had not intended to kill her.

    Jesus.

  5. I recently was told that one of my friend’s sisters is enduring an abusive relationship because she can’t move out — if she does she loses her opportunity to complete grad school. She’s still in the rationalization stage, but my friend, her mother and I are working on her.

    Many women, including myself, convince themselves that things aren’t really that bad, that it will stop, that it won’t escalate, etc. It can be sort of surreal–something extremely abusive will happen followed by a period of utter tranquility where you almost forget there was abuse to begin with, and then you settle back in to daily routine and shelve any plans to “do something”. Denial is a powerful coping mechanism in an abusive household.

    And this is what scares me. An otherwise brilliant woman making bad choices because she can’t imagine anything differently. She doesn’t deny he is abusive and dangerous, but she can’t imagine a way out either. We are loathe to figure out what to do.

  6. Because, you know, pouring gasoline all over someone and lighting it isn’t going to kill them or anything.

    I don’t understand why guys like this aren’t considered terrorists, myself.

  7. Okay, I’ll bite: Jill, I’m pretty sure she was left severely scarred. Not scared, although I imagine that was part of it.

    🙂

  8. Re: ginmar in #1, yes he did. He also dismissed a restraining order that she had against him. Obviously, the husband should rot in jail for the rest of his life, but if you ask me, the judge should too.

  9. I don’t understand why guys like this aren’t considered terrorists, myself.

    Because terrorism is a word that means a specific something, rather than being just a catch-all for everything bad? The problem is that domestic violence is specifically bad, in and of itself, not that it’s a subcategory of something else that’s currently the word-of-the-day.

    — ACS

  10. I noticed Yvette had to be covered with skin from a cadaver – please, everyone, make your organ donation wishes known to your friends and family. Put them in writing. Yvette would probably not have lived if someone hadn’t taken these actions.

  11. Well, I think that it should count as terrorism, not because terrorism is a generic word meaning “bad” but because the actions: rape, domestic violence, et cetera, aren’t just against a specific person. Yes, Yvette is the one scarred, but it was meant to scare the rest of us: this is what happens when you step out of line.

    If it wasn’t a terrorist action, then why would women get lists of how to “prevent” rape that have nothing to do with rape whatsoever? If it isn’t a terrorist action, than why did people tell my mother that she needed to “quit provoking” my father, because she needed to be a good wife?

    This may not be organized terrorism, but I could see how this could count as it.

  12. My solution would not have worked at Yvette’s job site, but for her or all other women being abused, especially after they have left their abuser, gone the legal route with protection orders, etc.: Buy a hand gun and learn how to use it. It is not illegal to own a handgun in the State of Maryland. I am a victim of domestic violence and enough is enough. You have to do what you have to do. Live!!! For those with children, please keep it locked up. But do have a plan to protect yourself. I am not advocating vigilantism, just self defense.

  13. Antigone,
    I didn’t take what Hargrave did to his estranged wife as a warning and or message. What I got out of his actions was faith…
    I wasn’t in an abusive relationship but grew up in one and I vowed to myself not to allow anyone to treat any other then how I wanted to be treated. Yes, Yvette is a stronger and better woman then me and I applaud her.

    As for the terroist ations you want to impose, there were none and I know it is your opinion. The reason why someone told your Mom to quit provoking was an attempt to help her and I hope she took their advice or got out!

  14. If I may ask a slightly off topic question to people who have experienced abuse: What, if anything, could those around you (friends, colleagues, family) have done to help you get away from your abuser faster than you did?

  15. Pingback: Feministe » Good question!

  16. Dianne,

    I agree your question is a good one.

    Though my friends did try to tell me that I was being abused, I think they were not as firm as they could have been for fear of offending me. Hints are not enough. Strong, frank talk is in order.

    On a slightly different topic – one way to prevent abuse is to know the man, his family, and his history before marrying or living together. For this reason, I believe in very long courtships.
    Time reveals a lot of things. I learned this from another mistake – saying “yes” to marriage on the second date.

    Realize that you can be whole without a man.

  17. It was my experience that when my best friend in college was with an abuser that there really wasn’t much I could do to make her leave. She had to decide on her own (which she eventually did).

    Mainly, what I did was fly under the radar of the abusive husband. He liked me, so he didn’t consider me a threat, and I was still alllowed to see her when her guy friends weren’t. When I was alone with her, I’d talk to her about getting into a self-defense class, or pass her certain books to read.

    But really, it did boil down to, SHE has to decide. As long as she was being halfassed about staying, I was running the risk of getting booted from her life if the husband found out I was against their staying together. So I kept fairly quiet and no-pressure and “That’s up to you” about it until she’d left.

  19. My first, and closest, experience with any kind of abusive relationship was when my then best friend started dating a drug dealer who was beating her. I was 15, she was 16.

    She called me crying from his (mom’s) house one day, and I told her I would come get her, I would call the police, whatever she needed. Of course, I couldn’t drive, but my parents would have taken me. She told me that he had been hitting her for a few weeks, and his mom heard him do it, and told her to stop dating him. I don’t know if mom ever talked to her son about it.

    In any case, he soon threatened my life regarding my intended involvement, and I told her I would come get her, but she had to promise to never see her again. I couldn’t put myself in that kind of position, I said. She chose to stay with him.

    I have no idea if what I did was right, or the best thing, and I still wonder about it to this day. I still wonder: what could I have done better? Should I have told her parents (who were dysfunctional themselves?) The school? The police? She knew she was being abused – that wasn’t the question. She was in no way economically dependent on him (she even had her own car at 16!) as she still lived with her parents…any thoughts?

  20. In any case, he soon threatened my life regarding my intended involvement, and I told her I would come get her, but she had to promise to never see her again. I couldn’t put myself in that kind of position, I said. She chose to stay with him.

    Okay, maybe you can help me understand something: First, I get that there were extenuating circumstances here in the form of the guy threatening to hurt you for trying to help her. So I can understand why you might want to make your helping her conditional on her vowing to shun him ever after.

    Here’s what I don’t understand: With very few exceptions, everyone I ever dealt with in the context of my abusive relationship did exactly what you did. They made their help conditional. I got so sick of hearing, “But first, you have to promise me . . .” that I came up with this real neat way of avoiding ever hearing it again: I quit asking.

    I guess I’m wondering a lot of things, but, well, first of all, am I the only victim who experienced that? (I doubt it, but hey, I could be wrong.) Second of all, barring, you know, death threats, why the fuck do the would-be helpers DO that? Is it because they can’t commit to the emotional investment of knowing the person seeking help might backslide, undoing the helper’s good works in one weak moment?

    I can see that as a possibility, but I can also see another one: Who’s usually being hit at home? Children. Who does society, at least partially, condone being hit at home? Children. And so the bitter, angry part of me has to wonder if people don’t speak to victims of domestic violence as though they were children–and that’s what “but you have to promise me” IS–because they think, well, these victims must be children on some level, or it wouldn’t happen, right?

    Anyway, I’m not trying to pick on you, Cara. You did what you thought was best and under the circumstances, I’m in no position to blame you. But in my own experience, “first you have to promise me” is completely unhelpful. The people who said it to me, by and large, did not realize that I was already dealing with hundreds of conditions on me every day–“If I’d do a better job cleaning up, he wouldn’t hit me. If I’d only speak more softly to him, he wouldn’t hit me. If I’d just lose weight, he wouldn’t hit me. If I’d fuck him more often, he wouldn’t hit me.” Those are not rational conditions, but I not only put them on myself, I had them reinforced by many a would-be “helper.”

    So the last thing I needed to be greeted with when I would seek help was more conditions. Especially not right up front like that.

  21. I didn’t add the condition until after he threatened me…if that makes a difference. I really did believe my life was in danger, as he was a notorious drug dealer. I would have picked her up without question back then if he hadn’t threatened me, but it still would have (and does) baffle me if (that) she stayed with him. Like I wrote, she seemed in no way trapped – economically, geographically, no kids…why did she stay with him?

    Anyway, I’m really glad for the candor here, because I would like to know what to do if the situation ever comes up (outside of a professional setting, for which I am trained). If my friend tells me she moved in with her boyfriend, and he’s hitting her, what should I do? Besides tell her my couch is always available?

  22. ginmar,
    I did not say “a woman she has to be a better wife” what I said was the person who advised the victim was only being helpful and that was what that person felt they had to do. I was in a verbally abusive relationship and yes holes were in the walls of the appartment we lived…but know be both put them there. We as a people need to good to ourselves first and formost. If you aren’t good to yoursel;f why should anyone be good to you.. That’s just my philosophy and what works for me may not work for others.

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