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Scorn for Parenthood

Jill

Give me a friggin break.

The situation is this: Emily Yoffe, better known as Dear Prudence on Slate, received a letter from a happily married childfree-by-choice couple asking for advice on how to deal with pushy people who questioned their choices. Emily responded by telling them that they should reconsider their choice not to have children. She received a barrage of emails from childfree people who were understandably irritated at her suggestion that they just didn’t know what was good for them. A few of those people made disparaging comments about parenting. From that, Emily concludes that people are scornful of parenthood.

Hardly. Parenthood — especially motherhood — is fetishized like nothing else in this culture, to the point where imperfect mothers are routinely demonized. Not breastfeeding? You might as well stick a cigarette in the kid’s mouth. Teen parent? Your child is destined to be a criminal. Use daycare or hire a nanny? You self-centered careerist.

And don’t have kids? Well then you’re the epitome of selfish — if you’re female, that is.

The fetishization of motherhood is bad for those who have children and for those who don’t. It puts impossible expectations on mothers — that they should always be perfect parents, that they’re failures if their children don’t bring them eternal happiness, that any mistake will indelibly scare their offspring and turn them into axe murderers. And it requires that motherhood be an essential component of womanhood, placing any woman who is old enough to be a mother but isn’t in a category of other-ness. It leaves her open to questions, criticisms, and assumptions; it allows people like Emily to assume that they have the right to “suggest” that she reconsider her decisions.

People who choose not to have children are regularly referred to as “childless” — as if they’re missing something. They’re depicted as lonely spinsters, not people whose lives are entirely full and happy — if they’re depicted at all. Usually, anyone over the age of 35 is portrayed as married and a proud parent. So save me the cries of, “But they called me a breeder!”

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36 thoughts on Scorn for Parenthood

  1. Damn it, people make me mad. In the Slate article she basically says “Well, I thought I didn’t want to have children but I changed my mind, so you should too.” So many problems ensue when people refuse to accept that someone might make a different choice from them – and be HAPPY with it.

  2. I have friends who read a web message board that is, essentially, a place for “childfree” people and people with children to get together and rip each other’s heads off. Or, well, argue respectfully or whatever. To me this seems like the ultimate exercise in pointlessness. But that’s the internet for you.

    The childfree people tend to annoy the hell out of me, even though I don’t want any children myself, because they make the same mistake the “breeders” do. They try to insist that everyone else should make the same choices they do. They insult other people and their choice. Hell, they insult other people’s kids which to me is completely uncalled for and just plain nasty.

    So yeah. A pox on both their houses. People need to learn to make their own decisions and leave everyone else the hell alone.

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  4. You know, I wanted babies since I was old enough to know where they came from, and I vote with the childfree camp every time.

    If babies become mandatory (I’m talking de facto rather than de jure), that takes a lot of the joy out of parenting for those of us that know we want to do it.

  5. Calling me a “breeder” will get you punched in the motherfucking face. I am not a cow.

    OT: I’m a black woman and I don’t hear this type of rumbling amongst my folks. Is this a white thing? 🙂

  7. I wish Chez Miscarriage allowed her archives back online – she had the best post ever on parenting (or not).

    Basically, she said that it didnt matter what reproductive choices you made – someone was always there to criticize it

  8. There’s a world of difference between a response that says, “Yes, some people have difficulty accepting that not all women want to have kids, and here’s a way to respond to them. I know how you feel, although in my case I changed my mind and did have children later on.”

    And the response that says, “I encourage you to reconsider.”

    The first accepts that the women writing in is a grown up who knows what she wants, and responds to her question, and adds that some people change their minds (that’s valid.) The latter is rude and implies that the person writing in doesn’t have a clue what she feels or wants – and it presumes that women are happier having kids than not.

    Whether Dear Prudence believes that parenthood is a so wonderful that all women will change their minds when they have kids, or just isn’t that great at articulating her thoughts, I don’t know.

    But I certainly understand why women (and men?) who are tired of being told that they will change their minds about having children were annoyed by the response.

    PS. And why it is so taboo to think that raising kids can be a pain? I cringe when I hear a baby wailing – it jangles my nerves – it is a visceral reaction. That’s no less valid a response for me than those who melt at the sound of a baby gurgling, or puff up with pride when a child asks a question about history. In other words, to each his own, and it would be a much better world if people respected the different choices that we all make.

  9. How annoying – an advice columnist who gives unsolicited advice. If a woman had written in saying that she’s on the fence about whether she wants to have kids, then a response that includes all the great things about having kids would be appropriate. If a woman had written in saying that she doesn’t want kids but she has fallen in love with someone who does, then Emily Yoffe could have shared her experience about how she changed her mind in similar circumstances. But those aren’t the questions she was asked. The woman made it clear that she and her husband don’t want kids. I love how the new Prudie (I want the old one back!) doesn’t even entertain the possibility that she might have been wrong.

  11. Emily Yoffe’s Dear Prudence column is in most cases idiotic to the point of being offensive. I can’t stand her.

    That said, this isn’t an either-or thing. In urban areas especially among the educated classes, particularly the young, there is a certain scorn heaped on people who choose to have children. At the same time, in many other environments, having children is expected and prized, with scorn heaped on those who choose not to have children.

    The dirty work of having kids is overemphasized – it is all diapers and sexless soccer Saturdays and “Are we there yet?” car trips to grandma’s. The choice to have children is often portrayed as a choice to basically lower yourself into an animal world of food and excrement.

    The glamour of being childless is also overemphasized – jetting off to an exotic location at a moment’s notice, having tons of sex, “keeping your figure” while eating brie for dinner. (I don’t have kids but this doesn’t really approximate my life.)

    I feel like there’s a lot of pressure, at least for my generation, location, and education level, going both ways. I don’t think that saying in any way undermines the powerful argument for the “fetishization of motherhood”.

  12. Yoffe is an idiot. She knew damn well she was going to start a shitstorm with her original column. Now she’s whining about being pelted with shit? Sheesh.

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  16. [Tiffany in Houston]: “I don’t hear this type of rumbling amongst my folks. Is this a white thing?”

    Tiffany, it most certainly IS a middle- and upper-middle-class white (and twinkie asian) thing. The smug technocrati-elitism of the worst sorts of “childfree” loudmouths (in contrast to the reasonable, polite and sane majority of people who, for whatever personal reason, decide to not have kids) who scream, “crotchfruit!” or “crotchspawn” every time they see a kid raising his/her voice in joy, is fairly well restricted to the well-off, latte-swilling self-absorbed 18-40 demographic of the magnet-store strip-mall suburban petri-dish HELL into which our culture seems bent on transforming the rest of this continent.

    FUCK!

  17. twinkie asian? boy, that’s a new one.

    i don’t want kids, but i’ve never used the word ‘crotchfruit.’ another new one.

    but it’s none of my business who or what has kids, nor is it my business as to why they have ’em. and it’s none of ms. emily’s either.

    isn’t she also the one who takes weird jobs, too? she seems to be a masochist.

  18. I live in one of the most elite, educated, latte-swilling cities in the country and, yet, I have never heard anyone say “crotchfruit” or “crotchspawn.” WTF are you talking about Kreskin?

  19. She received a barrage of emails from childfree people who were understandably irritated at her suggestion that they just didn’t know what was good for them. A few of those people made disparaging comments about parenting. From that, Emily concludes that people are scornful of parenthood.

    Right. Just like speaking against slavery means you are scornful of any type of work.

    Can’t be the force involved, or the pressure, nope, not at all.

  20. Human:

    I have friends who read a web message board that is, essentially, a place for “childfree” people and people with children to get together and rip each other’s heads off. Or, well, argue respectfully or whatever. To me this seems like the ultimate exercise in pointlessness. But that’s the internet for you.

    Sounds like fun. Nice, established conflict zone where you can put politeness aside when it gets tiresome. Good place for blowing off steam, when you’re of a mind to do so.

  21. Yeah, must be all the childfree people filling the earth with the stroller-blocked starbucksen and baby gaps.

    Kreskin needs to put less sudafed into his/her meth next time.

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  23. You know, Kreskin, I don’t disparage people who have kids or who want them. I don’t call kids crotchfruit or parents breeders (though I was tempted to smack the last asshat who gave me the tired “you’d [better] change your mind, you seflish bitch” lecture).

    fairly well restricted to the well-off, latte-swilling self-absorbed 18-40 demographic of the magnet-store strip-mall suburban petri-dish HELL into which our culture seems bent on transforming the rest of this continent.

    I’ve noticed (the few times I have to go) that a lot of people at the malls and big box stores are families with kids. Most people who practice VS find it pretty fucking hard to continue once they have kids–and they find themselves at those very big-box stores and strip malls because they are cheaper and they have to get stuff like diapers or clothes or school supplies of food staples.

    Sheesh.

  24. (though I was tempted to smack the last asshat who gave me the tired “you’d [better] change your mind, you selfish bitch” lecture).

    Ahh, the selfish bitch lecture. Comes in two versions, too—for women with or without children. Damned if you do, damned if you don’t. Since I had my daughter at a ripe old age (32), I’ve heard both. What fun! And the “selfish bitch” lecture is pretty much like a matched set of baggage; you have the yes-or-no to motherhood bag (either answer being the wrong one), the bad mother bag (it’s yours for free when you choose the mom bag), the body bag (no matter the shape, it’s always out of style), the multi-function work/second shift bag, the fragile feminity bag (that can’t hold anything, ‘cuz “the man” is supposed to do that), the guilt bag (expandable—“the man” doesn’t have to hold this one).

    Yeah, there’s a certain amount of hipster scorn directed towards mothers. But not anywhere near as much scorn as comes from the natalist crowd—no one, no one hates mothers quite as much as they do.

    Oh….while we’re on the subject, how come every damn politician, running for even the smallest, most insignificant local office, has to have a full family photo, stressing their large family and/or the length of their marriage? Is the whole fan-damnly running for office? No? Then how about a fucking break on that shit?! And don’t tell me that because so-and-so has a child, that so-and-so will be concerned with “family issues”. Bullshit.

  26. Motherhood plants a chip in your head. You become a baby pusher because, let’s face it, you can’t imagine life without kids.

    I feel for the “childless by choice” women – the pressure to have kids is enormous. I admire their self-knowledge and anti-lemmingness.

  27. Motherhood plants a chip in your head. You become a baby pusher because, let’s face it, you can’t imagine life without kids. I feel for the “childless by choice” women – the pressure to have kids is enormous. I admire their self-knowledge and anti-lemmingness.

    Here’s a thought: can there for once, on a widely-read feminist blog, be a thread supporting childless-by-choice women that doesn’t slam mothers? My self-knowledge and lack of anti-lemmingness meant having a child.

    Look, Jill, I understand the point of this post. And I agree with most of it. But.

    Arguing that motherhood is fetishized to the detriment of non-mothers is similar to the Right’s argument that because women are placed on pedestals (really? Where?), that women aren’t oppressed—men are. Seriously. When I read statements like “Usually, anyone over the age of 35 is portrayed as married and a proud parent”, I think “only those who are white and wealthy and married.” Being called a “breeder” by smartass self-anointed hipsters is the least of my worries. Like Tiffany from Houston, I’m not afraid to belt one of those ignorant assholes in the chops (which is probably why they limit their name-calling to the online version). The growing movement of left-leaning folks, including feminists, to walk hand-in-hand with the right by condemning public spending on schools and childcare, and to be anti-family leave laws, is more my concern.

    Also, it’s probably worth mentioning that being called a “breeder” is of more concern to people who routinely have their parenting called into question—people who are automatically assumed to be bad parents because of race, color, class, age or marital status. It’s easy to pooh-pooh someone who gets angry at being tagged a “breeder” when you know that your own breeding, or the breeding of your family or others who resemble you, is generally supported. Not everyone is or was on the eugenics chopping block. It’s different when the societal assumption is that your people shouldn’t be breeding, because “we don’t need more manual laborers”.

    C’mon…this is the feminist movement. Is it asking too much to have support for both choices? Damn!

  28. oops! Above I meant to say “and still married”, because divorced mothers aren’t looked on too fondly either.

  29. I feel like there’s a lot of pressure, at least for my generation, location, and education level, going both ways. I don’t think that saying in any way undermines the powerful argument for the “fetishization of motherhood”.

    I feel the same, and as someone who very much wants kids, can’t have them, and isn’t yet (maybe never) in a position to adopt, both the fetishization of motherhood and the countervailing pressure going the other way are uncomfortable to me. And both of them, in their strongest versions, are also troubling to me as a feminist – the natalist side because it shoves every woman into the mother mold, and the anti-natalist side because it sometimes comes with a “you chose to have kids, so I shouldn’t be bothered with them” attitude that can include impatience with normal family-friendly workplace accomodations, etc.

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  31. La Lubu-

    I apologize if the post came off as disrespectful to parents. I was focusing more on childfree women because that was the point of Emily Yoffe’s article, but the point I was trying to make (but didn’t execute particularly well) is that these parenthood ideals are bad for everyone. They put immense pressure on mothers, without any institutional backing. They shame women who aren’t the “right” kind of mother. And they call into question the motives of women who don’t have kids.

  32. I can’t stand the idea that is so prevalent in our society that just because a woman doesn’t want kids, she must HATE kids. I love kids, and kids tend to love me, but I just don’t want to be a parent. Is that okay with Prudence? My sister on the other hand, loves kids, is wild to have them immediately, and I may very well end up being their full-time nanny when she does, while she pursues her schooling and her career. And that’s fine with me, BECAUSE I LOVE KIDS. All right? 🙂

    OTOH, it also aggravates me that people can’t accept that some people just really don’t like kids. Someone linked a post on kos where this woman talked about how she didn’t like kids and so she decided not to have any. Which, to me, seems like a responsible choice and one that should be applauded, it’s probably a good idea if anyone who really dislikes children decides not to have them. Of course, she was roundly condemned as displaying selfish feminists’ anti-child attitudes, you’d think we needed to send her to the re-education camp and then force her to procreate.

  33. Here’s a thought: can there for once, on a widely-read feminist blog, be a thread supporting childless-by-choice women that doesn’t slam mothers? My self-knowledge and lack of anti-lemmingness meant having a child.

    Sorry, La Luba, I actually didn’t mean it to be a slam. I’m the proud mother of a baby and toddler, and frankly, I could become a pusher. I have to watch myself.

    I admire all non-lemmings.

  35. Yeah, I tend to not get offended easily and I would be pissed if someone referred to me as a breeder. That being said, I really don’t think this post was that much of a slam on parenthood, really. Of all the feminist blogs I read, feministe and bitchphd are two of the most complimentary towards children/motherhood and I’ve never become even slightly defensive over the posts, unlike other blogs where you do come away feeling like your choice to be a parent is very much looked down on.
    I don’t understand why this womancan’t understand how offensive her “advice” is. If I wrote to an advice columnist because I wanted to know how best to cope with people who said rude comments like “Hehehe.. haven’t you figured out what causes that yet?” when I told them I was pregnant and received a lecture on proper use of birth control and an admonition that perhaps I ought not be having so many children, I’d be ticked too. I don’t understand what is hard about accepting other people’s choices. If you don’t want to have children, I don’t see the big deal. I’m a parent and I love being a parent, even if there are days it’s extemely frustrating. To me, the rewards outweigh the cons. I personally don’t understand how anyone cannot love babies, but I am smart enough to know that many people don’t. If you don’t like kids and don’t want them, it is really not a good idea to have them. And frankly, I think this big push to shove everyone into parenthood whether they want to or not, whether they would be good at it or not, is insulting to those of us who want to be parents, who take pride in being good parents and work very hard to do so. It’s NOT for everyone, just like being a doctor or a lawyer isn’t for everyone. To say “Oh, but it’s easy and babies are so cute” really takes away from the incredible amount of hard work goes into having a child.

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