Weekly Open Thread with Math Homework Excuse

35 thoughts on Weekly Open Thread with Math Homework Excuse

1. TW: discussion of rape

   I’m wondering if anybody has any recommendations of anything to read regarding…I don’t even know what I’m asking or how to say it…I’ll just lay some of it out.

   My best friend, whose judgment I trust completely, reframed some past sexual experiences of mine that I have always thought of as terrible as rape. She was as respectful of my perspective as humanly possible, but I have no doubt that she considers them to have been rape.

   I…strongly resisted this, but with nothing approaching coherence or sense. It just–the thought of them having been rape just caused me such a visceral sense of discomfort and rejection that I know is irrational. She even pointed out that if I were listening to a friend tell me about them, I would agree with her. I suspect she’s right, but I can’t even wrap my mind around it.

   I never before realized how much I had invested in the idea of not having been raped. And I’m not sure why (I mean, the idea as opposed to the reality–these things happened to me no matter how I conceptualize them). It’s not like I look down on women who have been raped, I just somehow can’t even look at the idea that I might be in that category. I kept saying “I consented,” and she kept pointing out all the ways that my consent had clearly been…dubious at best, all the ways that those experiences had affected me, all the ways that I was responding to her that were like the ways other friends of hers who had been raped talk about their experiences. But I keep feeling like that not taking my consent into account removes all agency from me–like, I do think if I had said “Stop,” or “no,” or “I want to leave, call me a cab” in the midst of any of these experiences, they would’ve stopped. And I didn’t. But she says that she’s a big proponent of enthusiastic/active consent, and what I have described happening (pressure, anxiety, insecurity, etc.) isn’t that. I don’t even know.

   So I think what I’m asking is, does anybody have any recommendations of things to read that might help me gain some clarity here on any of this? How to know whether or not these experiences were rape, why I’m having such a visceral reaction against that idea even though I can’t rationally address the issues my best friend is raising, how to think about these experiences and their consequences? I’d really appreciate anything pointing me toward a better understanding. I’m having a really hard time understanding my resistance, and I feel like I can’t get past it to even really consider whether my best friend is right until I get a handle on it.

   1. EG, I’m afraid I have no recommendations, but I do want to say that however you decide to think about those experiences, I’m so very sorry that any of them happened to you.

      And I’m pretty sure I have a good idea of what’s it’s like to react the way you are to all this, given how many years (decades) I spent being completely unable to come to terms with the idea that what happened to me as a child could possibly have “counted” as sexual abuse. And even though I’ve basically accepted it, after enough people told me that that’s what it was, there’s still a part of me that resists it, and probably will never truly believe it. I have some ideas about why, but won’t get into them here.

      1. Books on adult survivors of abuse sometimes address mental defenses and rationales, and insights into how our minds defend ourselves from fearful concepts might be found here. I can’t recommend specific books because my last reading on the subject probably was 20 years ago.
         I tend to separate rape (violent) from sexual predation (nonviolent or psychologically aggressive) in my own mind, and have endured both.

         A shock: Wired mag has a spread on Star Wars storyboards. Am I the last to know that Lucas had Skywalker as a girl and drew her? Damn and doubledamn all sexist Assholeywood financiers.

         1. Lucas is kind of unreliable about this stuff. In interviews with people and in the data collected in the secret history of starwars Lucas is often described as fibbing about things, for instance there were originally 12, then 9, then 6, then 9 movies. And now that Disney bought it they are doing 3 movies that have little to do with Lucas’s original plan or the Extended Universe(personally I never thought this(the EU) was cannon, although many people would probably throw down with me over that.)

            This is the StarWars wikia article showing one story about Luke’s origin:
            http://starwars.wikia.com/wiki/Adventures_of_the_Starkiller,_Episode_I:_The_Star_Wars

            There is also a Secret History of Starwars book talking about how Luke had a twin jedi sister on the other side of the galaxy and how Leia was not originally his sister. This was the reason they kissed in A New Hope, they changed the script when the scriptwriter died before 2 was finished. His Jedi sister was named Nellith. Luke was supposed to fight Vader with the help of his sister. Also Vader was not his father until this time. His father was supposed to appear as a jedi ghost and offer him advice. If you read the novel tie in that came out before Empire(this was the first star wars novel), A Splinter In The Mind’s Eye, you can see a fight on a random planet over a macguffin force crystal between Luke and Leia and Vader, echoing the original story of luke and Nellith teaming up to take down Vader.

            Also, if you think about it, the explanation of why Obi-Wan said Vader killed Anakin is stupid and seeing the truth about the script change(the female screenwriter died of cancer before finishing) the original plot makes a lot more sense than Vader killing Anakin being some ridiculous jedi metaphor.

   2. This sounds sort of similar to what happened to me. I thought that it was just an unfortunate miscommunication. And the fact that when I talked about it, half the people I told were like “he raped you” and the other half were like “well, if you didn’t fight back, then it wasn’t rape” didn’t really help me figure out what was what. Ultimately, I came to realize that he had.

      Whatever happened to you, and whatever you think about it, you deserve to be supported. It sounds as if it was traumatic, and no one should have to deal with that. I’m sorry that it happened to you. If anyone does have any reading suggestions, I’d also be interested.

2. Another flood may be coming today or tomorrow – one possibly even more destructive than the 2013 Boulder, CO floods. Any well wishes, good thoughts, prayers, etc. would be greatly appreciated. I couldn’t have possibly had an anxiety attack at a time worse than this. I’m sorry if I’m not being clear but even typing this short comment is becoming difficult.

   1. Sorry, I meant tomorrow or day after tomorrow.

   2. Fortunately my anxiety attack is gone. I still have a lot of anxiety, but it’s more manageable now. I’m not going to beat myself up for having an anxiety attack, but surely being anxious to that degree isn’t going to make the flood threat go away. The best time for me to be anxious will probably be when the flood happens, as it was my anxiety last flood that pushed me to get my little brother and one of the cats to the car just in time. Whatever happens, my family and I will most likely survive this flood, so please don’t worry if you folks don’t hear from me for a while.

      1. Don’t feel bad for your anxiety. I know many people up there who have all sorts of anxiety about further flooding this spring, and it’s going to take a lot of them a while to recover. I mean really, the signs of the last one are still so evident that it’s hard to forget.

         Be safe!

         1. Yeah, yesterday all of our neighbors were bracing for the flood. But it turns out now that the threat has passed. We probably won’t get flooded because the snow in the Front Range mountains isn’t melting fast enough for a run-off flood.

3. I just realized that it’s been exactly 9 years since my transition — although it feels like it’s been a lot longer. It may seem strange that I forgot all about it, given what a momentous occasion it was for me, but it isn’t as if I’ve ever celebrated it (or the date of another event a few years later) as a new birthday, or anything of the kind. I didn’t die, and wasn’t reborn. I’ve only ever been me — the same, only different, to quote Jack Pumpkinhead’s words to Ozma upon her own transformation. There are two things my son said to me, around the same time a few years after my transition, that made me feel as happy as anything he’s ever said to me: “You’re still my Daddy,” and “It’s almost impossible for me to believe that you were ever not a woman.” I see no contradiction between the two.

   1. Donna L: Congratulations! 🙂 I admire your comments, your cute kitty, and your son sounds like a pip. I wish I could meet you and everyone here (and the other place)

      (Btw: you and M. are kicking butt with our horseshoe troll. )

      1. Oh no: Pip is an insult! D: Sorry. I thought it meant they’re awesome.

         1. I would never have known that it was an insult if you hadn’t said so — it sounds good to me! And thanks.

4. [Note: boss related issues]
   Thursday, I started working at a greenhouse, and I like/liked it. I like the manager (a woman) and the two other women. The bosses wife is cool too.
   So: I garden, I start my own seeds. I have a basic understanding of plants and their care. I like working with customers.

   The boss is under a ton of stress, which I understand, and so far I’ve let his minor meltdowns roll off me. I know it’s not personal you know? And I’m trying to take the stress off of him by doing my best.

   Yesterday: “I don’t know what you were doing down here!!” (greenhouse 15) The flower baskets were under watered he said, after complaining to me that I had a heavy hand with them yesterday. my blood pressure rose, literally when he accused me basically of goofing off in Greenhouse 15. “Didn’t you notice this basket was wilted?” I told him it wasn’t wilted when I was watering.

   He didn’t believe me, even though I’d watered two hours ago, and plants dry out fast.
   I pointed out, I’d been on the job 3 days, with maybe 3 hours of training on watering, and I was paranoid about taking too long and over watering, which I was accused of yesterday.

   He was “frustrated” with the way I rolled up the hose. He didn’t understand why I put the hoses on top of the heating ducts (newsflash: they were like that when I found them, so worried about getting chastised I put them back were I found them.)

   Don’t you EVER accuse me of fucking off and lying. I loved the immediate assumption of bad faith.

   My god I was LIVID when I left, just pissed off.

   At least I wasn’t crying and hurt like I would have been in my twenties! 🙂
   I go back Thursday, so we’ll see what happens. I have a feeling he is going to fire me, so whatever. I did my best, so it’s nothing to do with me, but him. Frankly my dears, he can kiss my ass if he does.

   During the interview (and he agreed!) I told him I need every first Sunday of the month off. It’s for religious reasons, so if he doesn’t fire me, I am going to remind me he said it was ok.

   Thank you for letting me vent.

   (I worked for Cornell Vet College for over 10 years, working with dairy cows. It was dangerous, demanding, and required many soft and hard skills. I’ve also worked on dairy farms, and in a lab in a milk plant. I’ve been a cashier. I have a A.S. in Vet medicine. I’m not fucking stupid or a wilting flower. Not only that: I like people, I can read people and know how to deal with various and sundry personalities. I left on good terms, and I can get a job at any college in the States.)

   1. I’m sorry you had to deal with that. With some bosses (like mine!), whatever you do, you’re doing it wrong, and everything that goes wrong has to be someone’s fault (never his). You just can’t win. I realized long ago that arguing does no good at all, so I just keep my mouth shut. Not a pleasant situation, but it isn’t as if I have any alternatives. So I empathize.

      1. Thank you Donna L. 🙂

5. Photographer JJ Levine series “Switch” features different couples switching genders.
   Another series is Alone Time, where one model is configured into two genders.

   http://jjlevine.ca/queer-fictions

6. The Peggy-Leggy update. Walking is so much better this week. http://instagram.com/p/nTb9b1KoIq/

   I still can’t do curbs, stairs, or my usual happy dance, but I’ll get there.

   There will be epic happy dancing when I can do my happy dance.

7. After driving home from Toronto today, I have to say I hate, hate, HATE the urban sprawl and suburban hell that has sprung up between BradFord and T.O. over the last twenty years since my family moved from the soul-sucking bougie hell-hole that is Aurora.

   All the beatiful farmland replaced by strip malls, subdivisions filled with unaffordable town houses and condos in cookie cutter neighbourhoods that are completely unconducive to any type of decent transit system so everything is gridlocked with cars.

   It’s enough to make me never want to travel south of Barrie again. At least I don’t have to see my surgeon until October.

8. Fat Steve, I don’t know if you’ll see this comment, but if you do, I’ve got a question so arcane that not even Google has helped with finding an answer. Since you work in radio, maybe you’ll know…

   For the vlog, I run recorded narration through a dynamic range compressor every time. The compressor generally succeeds in making most words the same volume, but when I listen, I notice the volume of some words will drop for no reason — I believe the term for this is “pumping”?

   Sometimes it’s especially noticeable on words with sibilance, like “sex”. For instance, the narrator will say, “It’s where we sex educators blah, blah, blah”, and “sex” will sound way quieter than the rest of the sentence.

   Normally I just cut up quiet words in the editing room and manually raise their volumes, but their are scores and scores of words per episode, and the sheer amount of time required is just exhausting. It’s the #1 reason why each episode takes so goddamn long to finish, due to all the pumping.

   Why is this happening? I’ve never heard of anyone else having this issue…

   1. Only took me a day to this this. I don’t want to give you my *guess*, I’m only really skilled behind the mic, and my other knowledge just comes from my paying attention to stuff going on around me and creating my home studio. And when I have questions like that in the studio I end up hitting up one of the two engineering whizzes I work with. I’ll message them both on FB with your query and post back in a bit.

      1. OK, got a response quicker than I thought, though you will notice that audio engineers are a taciturn bunch. Here is his full response:

         Don’t dynamic process. Normlise to 0 db then hard limit it

         Things like audition can do it

      2. Hmm, hard limiter… I didn’t even realise I could use it as an extreme compressor. I’ll do it tonight and see if that does the trick. Thanks for paying attention to the comments! 🙂

9. I saw a car in the parking lot of the local grocery store with a bunch of anti-choice bumper stickers, the most nauseating of which featured a smiling baby and the words “Smile, your mom chose life” . I really really wanted to sharpie “I smile because my mom HAD A CHOICE” on the bumper beside it. I wish I did.

   1. “And she’s been a complete asshole ever since.”

      Just me?

   2. Perhaps a little note saying “I was smiling for 5 hours straight until the insensitivity of your bumper sticker threw me in a deep funk” tucked under the windshield?

   3. …and this is why I always carry Post-It notes with me!

10. I’ve been drilling holes into the ground using an auger with my brother. (We’re planting various berry trees on this farm.) It’s actually kind of fun, but also extremely tiring, especially when so many spots in the soil contain bunches of rocks. And then there’s that god-awful screeching sound when it can’t drill through. X_X Thankfully we’re more than halfway done. ~50 done, ~20 left.

    The funny thing is, I feel somewhat dysphoric when I do arduous farm work like this (my dad has previously referred to me as a “hard-working boy” when he saw pictures of me working on the farm), so I occasionally stand a bit on my toes while using the auger because it feels like a more “femme” way of standing. I’m weird like that. (It’s also just harder in general to pull the drill down since my arms are weak.)

11. It looks like I’ve been banned from Shakesville. Interesting. Presumably it’s because I’ve commented a number of times on the shakesvillekoolaid site. Yes, I’ve criticized Melissa and Shakesville there for a number of things (as just one example, for what I see as her being appropriative of Jewishness, with all her talk of always believing she had some remote Jewish ancestry based on extremely slender evidence), but I don’t think I’ve ever been insulting, and I’ve also defended her about some things — and gotten quite a bit of grief for it, as I did when I tried to defend her here! — and have repeatedly said that I think she’s been a very good ally to trans people ever since the Mary Daly incident. I also still think that she’s fundamentally a good person — of course she’s flawed, but aren’t we all?

    I’m not really too upset about the banning, even though I’ve been commenting at Shakesville for several years now. The frequency of my comments there began to decrease a couple of years ago, as I became more active here. And as the dialogue there increasingly became more vertical in nature, with what I see as deliberate efforts to discourage horizontal discussions among the commenters. Which are one of the best things about this place.

    Oh well, I will try to view this development as her loss far more than mine. What with my “Likes to Comments” ratio there of about 5 to 1 — probably as good as anyone’s, including Melissa’s!

    1. Wow, Donna. That means that they actually have a mod watching the shakesvillekoolaid site making sure that nobody is allowed to disagree with them on an entirely separate blog!

       Normally I’d say “I’m sorry,” but you’re right, their loss is other comment sections’ gain!

    2. @Donna L
       Their loss, definitely. I hope this means I’ll see you more around these parts.

       That means that they actually have a mod watching the shakesvillekoolaid site making sure that nobody is allowed to disagree with them on an entirely separate blog!

       Word? This is all very us and them, kind of like a cult…

    3. I’m sorry you’ve been excluded from a community you valued, Donna.

       That said, I’ll remind everyone that rehashing interblog conflict from elsewhere here is undesirable. I understand the urge, but it creates a vibe I’m really not comfortable with.

       1. Thanks, Tigtog, and don’t worry: I’m basically just reacting to what happened with me personally, and certainly wouldn’t want to inspire another round of general Shakesville-bashing! There are other places for that, like the shakesvillekoolaid blog itself.

    4. @Donna;

       Anyone who would ban you, does not deserve your time or your thoughtful comments. I think they may have a case of terminal immaturity.

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