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Women of many ages and races walk together along a street, dressed in hotel uniforms, each holding part of the edge of a large quilt

Weekly Open Thread with the Hope Quilt

tigtog

To mark International Women’s Day, this week’s threadful host is the Hope Quilt, symbol of the Hope for Housekeepers campaign against unfair work practices for hotel housekeepers (a mostly female workforce). Please natter/chatter/vent/rant on anything you like* over this weekend and throughout the week (FYI: Jill published a dedicated IWD post about an hour ago).

Women of many ages and races walk together along a street, dressed in hotel uniforms, each holding part of the edge of a large quilt
Hotel housekeepers marching with Hope Quilt, a symbol of solidarity | Image Source: fryingpannews.org

e.g. What have you been up to? What would you rather be up to? What’s been awesome/awful?
Reading? Watching? Making? Meeting?
What has [insert awesome inspiration/fave fansquee/guilty pleasure/dastardly ne’er-do-well/threat to all civilised life on the planet du jour] been up to?

* Netiquette footnotes:
* There is no off-topic on the Weekly Open Thread, but consider whether your comment would be on-topic on any recent thread and thus better belongs there.
* If your comment touches on topics known to generally result in thread-jacking, you will be expected to take the discussion to #spillover instead of overshadowing the social/circuit-breaking aspects of this thread.

89 thoughts on Weekly Open Thread with the Hope Quilt

  1. I have really enjoyed reading articles on this website since I discovered it last week, I myself have spent my time writing for my blog – which is very strange having never done it before – I’m tired after only doing it for a short while, I have no idea how you guys do it. One of the biggest frustrations is finding that people generally are not very receptive to feminism after being subjected to the right wing press attempt to totally eliminate it from the face of the planet.

  2. Two questions for the general commentariat:

    1) Has anyone else perceived an improvement in the general solidarity of the community since we started having open threads?

    2) Does anyone know if Jadey’s doing okay? I haven’t seen anything by her for several weeks now…

    1. 1) I think so! Everyone seems to get along with each other very well in these threads, and ever since I’ve seen these threads pop up, I’ve noticed much more cordiality among the commentariat in general. I mean, there are still some occasional quarrels, but they aren’t nearly as common as before.

      2) The last time I saw Jadey was when ze* commented on my blog. I hope ze is doing well! Not only is ze an awesome commenter here, but I’m also worried about hir as ze has alluded to the fact that ze’s not doing very well at all these days. IIRC, ze remarked that ze is suffering from depression and some other things I forgot.

      *I’m not sure if ze is female.

    2. 1) I agree with you. I had long wished that there were open threads occasionally, both to hear more from other members about themselves, and to talk about things that weren’t relevant to any current thread. I think it’s great.

      2) I hope Jadey is OK too. I think zie identifies as a “she,” by the way, or at least did when she was here before.

    4. I’m glad that some of you feel that the Open Threads are a positive for the community here.

      I’m certainly enjoying setting them up each week.

  3. Hey everyone,

    I’ve heard from a lot of MRAs that VAWA is apparently unjust because, in a nutshell, it allows “innocent men” to be arrested and reported by lying accusers, thereby permanently staining the men’s criminal records for no good reason. For instance, I heard this one dude say that, when he asked his girlfriend to move out, she took advantage of the law somehow in order to get what she wanted i.e. stay in his house for three more months. And she did that by apparently falsely reporting abuse.

    What can be said about this general claim? I would Google this stuff myself, but I’d rather hear smart, informed perspectives here than waste my time looking for ostensibly feminist websites that are about how feminists are using the law system as a tool of anti-male oppression. Too many times have I run into MRA websites accidentally and ended up being triggered by the extreme hatred there.

    1. Be aware this reply discuses Sexual violence and denial of survivor experiences.

      I do know false accusations of rape are the same as any other level of false accusations of crime, in the UK at least, and there is some, (but v small survey samples so not the best data), evidence that usually the accuser has been a victim of rape but not by that person. So it may be a MH issue rather than say the person who fakes a robbery to claim on the insurance. This is not to say all victim/survivors of rape and sexual assault have MH issues, but that the of the tiny subsection who make allegations which turn out to be false a significant proportion do.

      However i think the real answer is to turn to ppl who say this and agree yes, some people are [redacted], what point are they trying to make?

    2. The closest I can think of to that is that when full orders of protection are issued they can rule that the abuser has to pay housing costs and/or turn over possession of property to the abused. That’s according to my state’s Attorney General’s little pamphlet on domestic violence.

      I have heard the same claim you have, that abuse victim’s can get the house/property, and that the law is being abused. But, like you, I haven’t been able to find anything concrete, just MRA’s crying about the feminist police state or whatever.

    3. The only direct connection between the eternal false accusation “debate” and VAWA I have heard about is about how it have made it easier to take out a restraining order.

      Still, if he is convinced that false accusations are a big problem, then in general transferring power from the accused to the accuser would logically be seen as a problem. I am not sure that you can really mount a counter argument without getting into the whole discussion about how uncommon false accusations are. Which seldom ends well IME.

      1. I am not sure that you can really mount a counter argument without getting into the whole discussion about how uncommon false accusations are. Which seldom ends well IME.

        Experienced this firsthand this week.. The counter argument I got was “Well, once is too many times for it to happen. People’s lives get ruined!”

        1. I just hate that type of argument. Of course you could say about both false accusations and real crimes that “once is too many times”, but that is just pointless. People being people, both will happen and we as a society have to deal with that.

          In any reasonable justice system, innocent people will sometimes be convicted and guilty people will sometimes get away with it. That is just unavoidable unless you put the bar of required evidence at a completely unrealistic point (either low or high). It is a political choice where we put the balance in different situations.

          For criminal trials, we focus on not convicting innocents and put the bar high (“beyond reasonable doubt”). For taking out a restraining order, we focus on protecting victims and require less evidence. Of course we could have a debate about the exact details, but considering the different contexts, this seems sound in principle to me.

          I feel that adults should really be able to deal with nuances in politics and public debate, but this does not appear to be true in current society at least.

  4. I miss this place. Got put on probation at work for surfing on company time.

    My childhood icon, Stompin’ Tom Connors died this week. Very sad. I recommend reading his autobiography.

  5. I posted a couple of Open Threads ago about doing a Moderation Management 30 days without drinking, and I know a couple of people responded with really great comments/empathy. I wanted to check in and see how others with similar concerns/goals were doing.

    For myself, I didn’t make the whole 30 but did make 25. I gave in to temptation during a bad panic attack and was disappointed in myself, but I am still pretty proud for making 25 days.

    1. Whenever I start to get down on myself for something like that, I just try to remind myself what I would say if a friend was telling me they had done the thing I had, and it helps me recognize that I set unreasonably high standards for myself, and it helps me be kinder and more forgiving with myself. You don’t have to be perfect. No one is.

  6. Went to a protest against police brutailty yesterday. Have spent much of my time since ‘debating’ with police apologists, plus also self-harming.

    3. So I suspect at least part of it was serotonin syndrome. So now I’m spending a few days not taking my psych medications to try and clear out chemicals, then going back on to a lower dose than I had been taking.

      Here’s hoping!

    1. You might wish to try reading the article a little more closely. In the process described, only one egg is involved, and it’s had all the genetic material removed.

      Also, the “shock” involved might not necessarily be electrickery. Heat shock is a common way of yelling at cells “HEY DO SOMETHING”

  8. Medication is making me sick, soooo…
    I’m unmedicated again (I apologize in advance for upsetting anybody).

    There is something I can take, without side effects, THAT WORKS, that I’ve been on before, but doctors won’t proscribe it because I have a history of seizures (from 2 decades ago, which they ignore that I haven’t had a seizure since I was 18).

    1. Sophia, hope you’re doing okay and DAMN that situation with the meds sucks. I can’t say I know the feeling, exactly, but I can extrapolate from having been unable to get pain meds.

      I was wondering, too, if I could add you on dreamwidth?

    2. I’m very sorry you’re having such a difficult time, Sophia. (My sister’s had a seizure disorder since she was 18, and I have my own assorted health problems, including a history of bad reactions to various medications, so I’m afraid I can relate.) I hope you and your doctors are able figure something out to help you feel better.

      1. I had seizures as a child, but that was a long, long time ago. I realize being on (its called bupropion I think) is a risk, but all medication is risky to some extent, and I think it’s less of a risk than not being on medication.

        1. Have you ever tried an anticonvulsant like lamotrigine? I take it as a mood stabilizer but IME it has a great anti-depressant effect.

        2. “Have you ever tried an anticonvulsant like lamotrigine?”

          No I haven’t. I’ve never even had a doctor mention it. Thanks!

        3. I take lamotrogine in combination with zonisamide. (My seizures are apparently pretty tricky to control, so we double team them.) I felt the drug worked very well for me, up until my seizures decided to change and I developed complex partials as well as general seizures. And while lamotrogine is supposed to deal with both just fine, my brain is especially tetchy it seems, and so my neurologist and I went on a series of med changes that didn’t go so well. We opted to keep me on both after I had a seizure after trying to phase out the zonisamide to just get back on straight lamotrigine, or it was the other way around, but regardless, my seizures were punching through my meds so we had to double team them. The one that has been an issue for me is that I did get migraines from the meds, so I also take a low dose of nortriptyline to control those, plus I have Imitrex on hand should I have a break through migraine. I will also say that it isn’t a cheap medication, when it wasn’t generic it cost nearly 300 a month.

          But, by and large it has been the best med for my quality of life. And I’ve tried six, not including the lamitrogine.

      1. Fourthing. It’s been a bit of a challenge getting the dosing right, but when it’s working, it’s working. (Since I’m obviously a licensed psychiatrist who’s qualified to recommend drugs to people I’ve never met.)

  9. I was very pleased to go a whole International Women’s Day without hearing anyone of the male persuasion complain about how there’s no ‘International Men’s Day’. Perhaps I’ve managed to removed them all from life? (One can hope)

    Also: I just wanted to wish you all a wonderful weekend and I’m glad you’re all alive 🙂 just sayin’.

    1. I finally heard it today.. From a woman. One I like and respect a whole lot. And then a guy I normally like and respect a whole lot came and started talking about how no one builds up little boys self esteem.

      It made me sad. It also reinforced my decision to quit The Facebook for a while, because I see more and more of this everyday (as well as more and more useless motivational shares, crappy awareness memes and more and more sexist and racist bullshit).

      I’ve been promising my oldest to let her have an account when she turns 12 (in a few months) so I may have to go back to keep an eye on her but maybe I’ll luck out and she’ll decide she doesn’t want one.

  10. I don’t know if this has something to do with realizing I’m trans or if something else is going on, but for the last few months I’ve been feeling really disconnected with my past. It’s hard to explain, but it sometimes feels like my past is murky and undefined, or I don’t have any past at all and I just popped into existence a couple years ago. It’s distressing because I had a pretty happy childhood (I didn’t really start to experience dysphoria until I was in my twenties) and I feel like I’m losing that.

    Anyway, I’ve been combating that by playing old Humongous Entertainment video games I played as a kid, which has actually helped. It’s been surprisingly fun, too!

    2. With me, it’s a little different — I know my past happened to me; it’s just that I have to remind myself sometimes that I haven’t always been the way I am now. I tend to project my current self backwards, and then it occurs to me that oh yeah, that was “before.” And it can be quite difficult for me to remember how it felt back then, to be living the way I was. And I certainly don’t like to be reminded by looking at old photos of myself. I don’t mind early childhood photos, but as an adult? No.

      1. Speaking of being reminded, I had the most upsetting nightmare last night. I dreamed that I met someone who told me that they could instantly tell by looking at my face and body that I was “really” a man, and, what’s more, that everyone else has always been able to tell, and that I’ve been deluding myself all this time by thinking that I’m ever perceived as a woman. I don’t think I can possibly explain how awful and humiliated it made me feel inside the dream. One of those times that when I wake up I keep saying to myself, “it’s only a dream; it’s only a dream.” But it does reinforce that tiny little seed of doubt, and internalized transphobia, that I think has always been there, and that it’s so hard to get over completely, no matter how much positive reinforcement I’ve gotten in real life in the nearly 8 years since I transitioned.

  11. Continuing my theme of good news, I got a promotion at work this week. It’s going to be announced on Monday, which I’m nervous about, because it’s going to bum some people out. No more ad trafficking, woot. Senior Business Analyst – DOUBLE WOOT!

    And I’m going to Bimbo’s tomorrow to see James Hunter.
    http://youtu.be/X6suYOqSdE4

    1. Street harassed leaving the club just now, walking down the street in San Francisco. “Hey, how you doing? Why are you walking alone? You better watch out with them legs. Damn you sexy.” And then he barked at me.

      Our wedding is this June. Save the date!

      2. Oh man. Yesterday I was taking the bus downtown (Seattle) to meet up with a friend, and I ended up sitting next to this beer-smelling guy at the bus stop. He kept staring at me. I was doing my best to not make eye contact. Eventually I looked over and he made a little wave at me and I was like… whatever. So! Then I get on the bus and a couple stops go by and the seat directly behind me opens up. The beer-smelling guy moves from the front of the bus to sit behind me. And I’m like… great. This guy is about to splooge on the back of my head or something.

        But all he did was reach forward to just behind my ear and clap loudly four times.

        1. That was the signal! For the thing. You know, right?

          In random news, I met this guy at a barbecue earlier, and was telling him about this story. He was suitably appalled. When he asked for my number, I gave it to him.

  12. Also, last night I made the mistake of going to my trans* women support group while under the influence. Definitely an awkward experience, although fortunately no one could tell I was in altered mental state.

  13. So tabletop wargaming is a field rife with sexism (even if it’s not as bad as video gaming with its shield of anonymity for jerks everywhere), falling as it does under the umbrella of “geekery” and all the male-dominated-field problems that come with it. And, even ignoring the players, we could probably write an entire article on the inherent misogynist problems with the Warhammer 40,000 background fluff. So it was a breath of fresh air to see that Lizz Foster managed to win the Bay Area Open 2013 while being openly female.

    It might not change much today, or even tomorrow. But it is a thing.

    1. Or the racism: “In the grim darkness of the far future, there are only white people” and all that.

      Congrats to Lizz Foster though. 7-0 is a pretty excellent win streak.

  14. While explaining to my older brother why it’s not cool to teach our nephew how to cat call women and generally be a tool-bag he said, “So I can’t even be nice to a woman? That’s so gay.” At which point I gave myself a concussion from face palming too hard. I haven’t been so close to hitting a sibling in fucking years.

  15. Tomorrow’s my birthday. Which is nice, but due to an event in my past, the week leading up to my birthday is really, really hard for me, and I become very emotionally fragile. It’s a trauma-anniversary reaction. It should all be over tomorrow morning, which I’m looking forward to like you can’t imagine.

    I realize all my Open Thread posts recently have been complaining about what a rough time I’m having. I’m sorry about that. I don’t mean to come off like such a killjoy.

    In good news, a close friend is in town for my birthday weekend, and she and my best friend are helping through the week.

    1. I know how difficult this kind of trauma-anniversary can be, since I experience it myself every year around the anniversaries of my mother’s death and the car accident we were in that caused it, back when I was 20 years old. I’m so sorry that it coincides for you with what’s supposed to be a happy time of the year, looking forward to celebrating your birthday. I’m glad that you have those two friends to help you through it.

    2. I have a couple of those anniversaries, too. My sister’s funeral was Valentine’s Day. I think having the anniversary close to such a rememberable event like a holiday or birthday makes it hard to not recognize it as an anniversary. I’m sorry you’re having a rough time. I hope someday that you’re able to rebrand this time for yourself so it’s not so hard, but it’s understandable. Open thread is open thread, and if what you need out of it is a handful of supportive ‘listeners’, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that, and you needn’t apologize.

      1. It was New Years that my ex-husband told me he was leaving… A few years later I dropped a particularly devastating and wholly unreciprocated feelingsbomb on my best friend. Small things but I generally kind of hate New Years because of them. On the other hand, I got together with the current man friend on a New Years so that has given me some happy things to associate with that day.. Which actually makes it more emotionally tumultuous because yay happy anniversary that is unfortunately tinged with a metric fuckton of baggage.

      2. Thank you, Peggy. It really means a lot to hear you say that. Or read you write that. You know what I mean.

    4. I’m late to this conversation, but EG, I hope you got through the trauma anniversary (I understand that concept well) as well as possible and that you had a very happy birthday!

  16. Ogod somebody please waggle a finger at me and tell my brain to want to do schoolwork in the order in which the schoolwork is due, and that essays due April 9 don’t need finishing while essays due Mar 15 are less than 40% done.

    In other good news, a professor I greatly respect and admire just paid me a (by his standards) massive shower of compliments for my work. And nominated me for a student writer award. This is a guy who has low attendance because he’s widely considered the worst marker in a department with mostly tough markers. His nickname is Professor Evil. So…yeah. I’m feeling pretty damn complimented right now. Which feels braggy as fuck to say, but still.

  17. After about two years or more I went back to work on a painting I had been working on, a reproduction of a photograph that the man friend took in sault set Marie… Happy with the results so far. I had been screwing up on the colour in my previous attempts, but I’ve got it much closer.

    Someone once told me never to use your black paint for shading. Stupidest advice I’ve ever gotten. Black is sometimes all that will work.

  18. Is anyone aware of problems with the “Hoyden About Town” website?

    Yesterday (Sunday, US time), connection attempts to hoydenabouttown.com were timing out.

    Today, it’s not in the DNS my system uses.

    1. Yep, I’m getting

      Hmm, hoydenabouttown.com isn’t loading right now.

      The computers that run hoydenabouttown.com are having some trouble. Usually this is just a temporary problem, so you might want to try again in a few minutes.

      If you’re just wanting to read the posts though, they load fine in google reader.

      1. I’m guessing that Google Reader is using a cached copy of the website. Direct connections don’t work.

        It looks like a DNS issue with the DNS that HaT uses, and maybe with their web hosting service.

        I did a “whois”. HaT’s DNS servers are ns{1,2}.vividwebhosting.net.au (registered by GoDaddy.com)

        These DNS servers aren’t in my DNS (Optimum Online, USA), either.

        A “whois” for vividwebhosting.net.au brings up the IP addresses, but requests to these IP addresses get no response.

        vividwebhosting.net.au _is_ in my DNS, and its IP is one off from their DNS servers.

        Anybody know how to get in touch with tigtog (or anybody else in the HaT crew)?

        1. i think you do not know about dns.

          dns cannot be not working — if dns server has failure, ghost dns will flow instead. this is how it is designed. all dns know about all domain names, such that if one dns fails, other dns can take its place, it is encumbent.

          1. dns cannot be not working

            But DNS can be not propagating when an emergency server migration has had to occur, tomek – a fact of which I’m very sure AMM was fully aware even if you weren’t. Still, thanks for the condesplaining.

        3. Further to AMM now that I’m back on my desktop and not just on my smartphone – the server hosting Hoyden About Town had a catastrophic malfunction just before they were going to do a scheduled upgrade-migration. So instead of a simple migration, they’ve had to recover all the sites on that server from scratch via the daily backups.

          Because HaT was far and away the largest account on the server, they left it until last because it would take the longest to upload the back up 🙁

          They are hopeful that it will be fully back online in a few hours.

  19. In general bad news, alongside the minor irritation of a blog outage I’m processing very bad health news about one of my relatives, so I’m going to be very much in the background here for a while. Fuck cancer.

      1. Fuck cancer is a recurring theme in my life. All my best is being projected through the internet to you and Mac and your loved ones. Cancer is such an asshole.

        1. Cancer IS a fucking asshole. (It’s a friend’s family, ftr.) she’s pretty damn torn up. And I know it’s not really my rant to make, but I know the person in question too, and just DAMN IT. Thank you, tigtog and Peggy.

        2. I think you still get to rant about cancer. It’s not likely that someone is going to say, “What the hell do you know about cancer? Just because someone you love is sick with it? Leave the cancer-hating to the experts, dipwad.”

          Which I suppose is my way of saying I hate it for you both, tigtog and mac, and for your loved ones, and I offer any comfort and support that I can provide from the far side of the Internet.

          1. Although, please don’t say you’ve been ‘touched by’ cancer. I hate it when people anthropomorphize diseases and disorders. It’s so creepy.

    6. I’m sorry to hear that, tigtog, and macavitykitsune. I recently lost a close relative to cancer, so yeah, fuck cancer. I wish you all the best.

  20. I had something very strange happen to me. Another, non-feminist, non-social justice, site that I frequently comment on was recently invaded by MRAs loudly decrying what little representation women had in said endeavor. I reacted as I would have if something was posted here that I strongly disagree with.

    Which was out of line (I realize) for where I was. I didn’t get banned. I had a few comments deleted, but mostly because they were responses to other comments that were deleted. Instead, I got an e-mail from the web mistress that genuinely seemed concerned that my comments had become vitriolic, and reminded me that the first rule of those boards was not to be mean.

    I am completely unsure of how to feel about this.

  21. I’m really proud of my family. I’ve been bringing my girlfriend around more often and it’s a total non issue. No one treats her any different than my ex-boyfriend. And my mom’s trying to figure out trans* issues so she doesn’t accidentally offend her, which is sweet because my mom isn’t usually the most involved person in my life.

    And all the people I’ve come out to have been really nice and made it clear that they don’t care who I date as long as they make me happy.

    I’ve had some emotional blips with my medication but the doc and i have a good enough relationship that I really trust him with my health and know he wants the best for me.

    Basically life is good and for the first time in a long time I feel like I’m ina good place.

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