In defense of the sanctimonious women's studies set || First feminist blog on the internet

The Coot Awards

Jill

World O’Crap has ’em, and there are some of our usual favorites, like Mike Adams.

First of all, let me tell you how thrilled I am to receive hate mail from a feminist named “Daisy.” I can’t think of many names – with the possible exceptions of Coco, Mercedes, and Jasmine – that could make you sound less like a feminist and more like a stripper in a club that offers two-dollar table dances. Nonetheless, I will try to answer most of your questions, sent via e-mail.

Because if you don’t have a name like “Mike” or “Joe” or “John,” you’re probably a two-cent whore, and I can talk down to you because I’m the kind of big man who patronizes strip clubs — I would never work at them. It’s names like yours that make me hate women.

So here’s why I don’t take feminism seriously:

1. “I do not consider 21st century feminism to be a political ideology or philosophy.”

Now that the little ladies can vote, work and aren’t legally required to carry their pregnancies to term, they’ve got all the rights they need! Of course, me and my pals are actively trying to infringe on these rights, but hey — it’s for the greater good. And because I say it’s not an ideology of philosophy, it’s just not. I teach Criminology and was on the O’Reilly factor. I would know.

2. “Generally speaking, feminists get together with other feminists because it is less expensive than seeing a therapist.”

I hate feminists because they complain about me (“Feminists are usually drawn together by an inability to deal with men. When they get together, whether in a small group or a large one, criticism of males tends to dominate the discourse”). I’ve heard some people suggest that almost everyone does this — groups of women get together and talk about men, sometimes critically, and groups of men get together and talk about women. But this is patently untrue. Everyone knows that real, non-feminist women are too busy having babies and cleaning the house to get together with other women. Plus, their husbands are their lords and masters, and they would never, ever complain about them. Men just don’t socialize in these girly ways. For example, when me and my masculine pal Doug Giles get together, we don’t talk about women-folk. We do what real men do: Wrestle, punch eachother, talk about how much we hate those feminist bitches and then take out our aggressions by vigorously humping our Real Dolls. Mine is named Jasmine.

3. “Most feminists don’t really want equality.”

A feminist once took issue with critique of the Vagina Monologues. Even though she didn’t actually try and do anything to prevent me from criticizing her, and simply responded by criticizing me back, this means that she hates equality.

Another example comes from a former secretary in my department. One day she left work crying because I criticized campus feminists (for hanging racist posters on campus showing Condi Rice standing in a cage holding a bunch of bananas). The next week she was back in the office tearlessly (and tirelessly) criticizing her husband for his inability to maintain an erection.

It should be clear to everyone why this was particularly offensive to me. But that aside, it’s further evidence that feminists want to have more legal rights then men — they seem to believe that complaining about their husband’s erectile issues (which are probably her fault anyway, duh) is somehow a protected right, while they obviously want to illegalize criticizing feminism.

4. “The feminist love of postmodernism has resulted in widespread academic and personal dishonesty.”

I once met a feminist and asked her to debate me on abortion. She told me she wasn’t pro-choice, when on feminist listserves she said she was. Clearly, she did this because all feminists are liars, not because I’m an insufferable asshole and she was just trying to get out of having a dead-end conversation with me.

And everyone knows that Republican men don’t lie, ever.

11 thoughts on The Coot Awards

  2. What kind of self respecting stripper would be “Daisy?”

    Daisy is a name for a pet. like Daisy the Cow, or Daisy the bloodhound.

    point of order, Mikey: there are PLENTY of other ways to make fun of women’s names without saying “it sounds like a stripper name.” Kandi Cain is a stripper name. Daisy isn’t. In fact, I can off the top of my head think of 3 other ways to make fun of the name Daisy that would be far more apt than “stripper name.” my personal favorite involves asking if she’s named after Donald Duck’s on-again-off-again girlfriend.

    and does “Mike Adams” sound like the name of that guy in the frat deeply in denial about his homosexuality?

  3. there are PLENTY of other ways to make fun of women’s names without saying “it sounds like a stripper name.”

    But they’re not offensive and belittling enough. And in Mike’s world, associating her with Reagan would be too much of a compliment.

    I do love watching wingnuts complain about “academic and personal dishonesty.” Brings to mind an old saying about stones and glass houses.

  4. On the stripper name front (I know, why is this the most exciting bit, right?), there’s plenty of decent men who go to strip clubs who would never dare mock a dancer’s name. If Mr. Adams came into my nudie show with this sort of schtick, I’d give him his cash right back. What a tool.

  5. because he offered it as an aside right up front, and it has NOTHING to do with it. akin would be “I received a letter on personal finance reforms from a Dan Kysynsrsky. way to use vowels, guy.” and then he starts the shallow diatribe vaguely related to the topic. it shows no personal depth or serious thought, but at least the rest of his column is still about abusive lending practices, and how they’re “good for the economy.”

    I was about to say “Melissa Gira? THAT sounds like a stripper name. classy one, too.” what with the Gira and all (sounds like in “Gyrate,” yeah? that’s what’s really doing it for me). but apparantly you do actually have a nudie show. killer. the world would be a better place if all strippers showed asshats like Adams the door.

  6. “I do love watching wingnuts complain about “academic and personal dishonesty.” Brings to mind an old saying about stones and glass houses.”

    Other people lie because they they have selfish ulterior motives. I lie because I have access to a deeper truth that transends petty concerns of honesty.

  7. When they get together, whether in a small group or a large one, criticism of males tends to dominate the discourse

    I don’t suppose the question, ‘who died and made you center of the universe?’ would apply here – the delusion that he is, in fact, positioned thusly seems to have conditioned itself into his manly, feminist-ridiculing bone(r)s.

  9. I think it’s time for ‘Lil Mikey to wash off his Clearisil and hibernate until he wakes up as a human

    Whole species would evolve from the primordial slime, develop nuclear weapons, and wipe themselves out, faster than this.

  10. First of all, let me tell you how thrilled I am to receive hate mail from a feminist named “Daisy.” I can’t think of many names – with the possible exceptions of Coco, Mercedes, and Jasmine – that could make you sound less like a feminist and more like a stripper in a club that offers two-dollar table dances.

    Is it me, or are the names he chose to list reading as more “ethnic” than “stripper?”I mean, Mercedes in the Spanish-speaking world is a reference to the Virgin Mary, as in “María de las Mercedes,” or “Mary of Mercies.” And Jasmine or Yasmin or other variants is a very popular name in many non-waspy communities. Those names read as pretty standard to me, but maybe I just know too many non-waspy people.

    Furthermore, I’ve known a lot of strippers, but very few of them would pick a name that reads as old-fashioned as Daisy. It’s a very pretty, old-timey, girlish name, not a sexxxy one. But, hell, it’s not like I should be expecting Dr. Adams to take his head out of his ass for this one issue. Has he ever actually been to a strip club, or is he too scared of the vaginas?

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