Huh. Three or so days ago i read a quite lenghty joke in my native language that was practically the same thing (ie, making fun of cosmo sex tips in the same way as this article). I almost pity cosmo now. Almost.
I’m just thinking about the pearl necklace one and wondering about the clasp on the necklace. Unless it’s a really long necklace without the clasp, things could get extra painful very quickly.
To warm up her trotters, you could ask her to “stretch one leg out to work on [your] johnson with her toes.” What do pigs have to do with footjobs? “Buy a half-inch camel-hair paintbrush at the art-supply store, dip it in chocolate sauce, and have her paint numbers on her body. Find your way in order by using your fingertips and mouth.” Enjoy the sensation of chocolate-covered camel hair clinging to the inside of your mouth! So erotic! “Pop your chap in a jar of Nutella, then present it to your lady. Be rewarded with a very enthusiastic blowjob.” Your “reward” will be to buy me a new fucking jar of Nutella.
9. “According to new research, the smell of toast is a serious mood booster.” And according to my research, it tastes crunchy and delicious. I thought the smell of toast was a sign of an impending seizure. Or have the canada heritage moments ads lied to me?
“Remember that chores around the house count as foreplay… when you do them, that is.” Someone tell dungone, quick!
I’m stuck on the “81 percent of women do not want you to attempt anal sex without asking.” I’m hoping that a large portion of the 19% of other women answered something along the lines of “I would not prefer anal sex at all” because even 19% seems high to me for advocates of “Yes surprise me with a sex act you don’t know if I’ll like!” Communication, people. Communication. And @Chataya: Brilliant Nutella retort! Hahah!
I’m trying to imagine what my reaction would have been if the guy I’m seeing had licked my palm on one of our first couple dates. Now I’m trying and failing to imagine a scenario in which having some dude lick my palm wouldn’t end with me immediately ending the interaction and then scurrying to the nearest ladies’ room to scrub my hands…
“Stare at her. Touch her. Stare at her some more. Lick her without permission.” Next on the list is “now that you’ve been accused of sexual assault, don’t cry! Women only say they want a sensitive guy but they don’t want to see you show emotion.”
@Alynn–years ago, some poorly-written article for women advised women to stroke and penetrate their boyfriend’s anus… as a surprise. Well, um, I guess most men would be surprised. I can’t imagine anyone would find that okay to be surprised by.
@chataya To warm up her trotters, you could ask her to “stretch one leg out to work on [your] johnson with her toes.” What do pigs have to do with footjobs? my thoughts exactly.
I’m stuck on the “81 percent of women do not want you to attempt anal sex without asking.” I’m hoping that a large portion of the 19% of other women answered something along the lines of “I would not prefer anal sex at all” because even 19% seems high to me for advocates of “Yes surprise me with a sex act you don’t know if I’ll like!” Communication, people. Communication. It’s more like that the editors just invented that number. It’s not like that they use real surveys, after all 😀
27. “81 percent of women do not want you to attempt anal sex without asking.” A unexpected loss for Team Surprise Anal. And thus my fantasy football team gets a new name.
I couldn’t make it though, these articles always make me sad. I wonder how many potential relationships are lost to the ether because people are so busy counting blinks modualting their facial expressions to display the precisely right amounts of horniess, sexiness, and rugged jaw-line-iness, that they fail to connect. Just talk to each other.
Someone tell dungone, quick! I was hoping his chosen moniker was some sort of pun (he dungone already!) Alas, it is not to be…
The last woman I dated was part of the 19%. Someone telling you that is like saying they like surprise birthday parties. Anyway, I learned not to compare my day to unexpected anal sex when you’re dating a woman.
Oh, gawd! Not the nutella! The fact that it has “nut” in the name doesn’t mean it belongs anywhere near the other kind of nuts! If I start dating a man again I may have to lock up my pantry and my art supplies if these are the sort of things I’m supposed to expect. And as someone who isn’t crazy about french kissing, that whole “facial intercourse” thing just sounds traumatizing.
The George Foreman one was particularly chilling to me, maybe because I’ve grown up hearing my father recount (over and over again) in loving detail the story of how Muhammad Ali systematically terrorized Foreman with the mocking taunts of little children before delivering the crushing knockout punch. All of this is a little creepy in a sexual context, mkay?
So I’m not a dude but I can’t imagine anything I’d want to keep away from my penis more than a freezing foot. I mean people fight over cold tootsies touching their partners legs in bed..
Some of the items are not too bad… What? I mean some of the items in the “Doing the deed” part could be quite nice ideas for kinky play. Okay, the peppermint schnapps thing is not too bad for kinky play. Wouldn’t do it with anyone but a regular partner, though. Okay, okay, I’m goofing around, this list oscillates between creepy and just plain ridiculous. It reminds me why I don’t read la presse masculine here in France, because honestly, it’s just the same on both sides of the pond. A few items especially ticked me off, mainly 6 and 22: 6. “If you’re out in public but want to make your intentions clear, slowly and firmly flick your tongue against the palm of her hand. If she just wipes it off down her skirt, you’ve blown it.” Holy Chao! Where to start? There is a particular lady that I fully intend to give a kiss in the palm if I ever meet her again (which is alas unlikely), but I really mean a soft kiss, a mild kiss. And it’s indeed to make my aspirations clear. Giving an uncalled for lick? Yuck! 22.”Sweeten the deal. Eat a strawberry before making out. The sugar activates the sweetness receptors in your mouth.” This one makes me laugh for complicated reasons. Like eating a strawberry would have any impact on taste while making out… Even throwing up a few minutes earlier doesn’t leave any significant aftertaste to your partner while making out. How do I know? I just… know. If you believe you want to know how I know, ask me, and I’ll answer sincerely. But just ask yourself first if you really want to know.
The issue with the peppermint schnapps thing is…pour peppermint schnapps into my navel? How…deep does this person think my navel is?
How…deep does this person think my navel is? Jesus, EG, stop with the navel-gazing. You’re spoiling their sexytimes with your ladybrainz. 😛
The issue with the peppermint schnapps thing is…pour peppermint schnapps into my navel? How…deep does this person think my navel is? Mine’s deep enough. Not sure anyone should be subjected to the taste of bellybutton fluff, though. Even if it is minty and alcoholic.
The issue with the peppermint schnapps thing is…pour peppermint schnapps into my navel? How…deep does this person think my navel is? I’m actually going to come down in favor of the schnapps, only I used butterscotch because peppermint is stingy and slightly gross-tasting. It’s not so much the navel as it is sucking in your stomach so it’s concave enough for the drink, then you laugh uncontrollably and your partner has to catch all the dribbling ticklish lines down your side. Like, this is the kind of thing you do with lots of giggling and towels on the bed/couch/table/floor/whatever, but it genuinely is a lot of fun and sexy. Just… not as a surprise.
This one makes me laugh for complicated reasons. Like eating a strawberry would have any impact on taste while making out… Even throwing up a few minutes earlier doesn’t leave any significant aftertaste to your partner while making out. How do I know? I just… know. If you believe you want to know how I know, ask me, and I’ll answer sincerely. But just ask yourself first if you really want to know. I think we must have very different senese of taste; I can definitely taste things my partner has had to eat or drink for some time afterward. I can taste coffee in a kiss for a lot more than a minute or two after someone has had a cup, for example. I don’t know if I can taste it, since I’ve never tried, but I can certainly smell vomit on someone’s breath a lot longer than “minutes” after.
roymaciii: Welcome to the club. I have a very well developed sense of taste as well, so I could probably pick up some hint of what date for the night ate/drank recently. And the idea of kissing someone who threw up right before makes me nauseous. Schmorgluck: whoever you kissed after vomiting was probably too polite to say anything. As a rule, vomiting during a date ought to be a cue to go back to the date and ask them to call you a cab or drive you home. For bonus points, offer to repay them for cab or gas. (Either you’ve had too much to drink, or you’re suffering from food poisoning- both are good reasons to call it a night.)
Well, I wasn’t the one who had vomited, and it wasn’t really a date either. It was just a weird event in my life (and also my first kiss).
“”Pop your chap in a jar of Nutella, then present it to your lady. Be rewarded with a very enthusiastic blowjob.”” What the fucken fucke does “pop your chap” even mean????
I think it means the same thing as “dick in box,” except with an Italian hazelnut and chocolate spread in place of the box.
Nutella is for scrubs. Real men use A-1 sauce for their blow jobs. Bonus points for making terrible meat jokes the whole time. Except, it really isn’t a bonus for anybody.