How to be the best in bed ever. June 19, 2012 Jill Go. Learn. Never have bad sex again. Nothing could possibly go wrong.
I imagine the staff at Cosmo, rolling around on the floor laughing as they come up with this stuff. “Who’s going to believe this crap?” they shout, cheeks aching and tears in their eyes from the hilarity.
*sporfle* Yep, sexy. Or they were when I was a teenager three decades ago. (we invented sex in the 80s, remember?) Now the “how big of a bucket would you need for the body paint?” question on “Sponge paint him with your breasts” makes me rotfl. 5 gallon pickle bucket ought to do it!
In fact, please say exactly that: “My lips can’t resist your delicious beer-flavored face.” Just so I can know that somewhere, someone actually said it. This is sooo going to be said Friday when my spousal unit comes home. “As you’re eating dinner together, say something X-rated like, ‘See how I’m devouring this piece of meat? That’s how I’m going to devour you.'” Then, later, during oral sex, pause and say, “OM NOM NOM NOM.” This also must happen. Though they obviously have a differing definition of X rated than I have.
Then, later, during oral sex, pause and say, “OM NOM NOM NOM.” I laughed loudly and completely inappropriately at this one.
I made the mistake of reading this one at the office, and was terrified lest my boss walk by and ask what was so funny. And yet I could not stop reading, or laughing.
One of the things that got me was that some of these tips (some) might be good for a laugh. But then there was also the tip that said you shouldn’t ever watch a really funny movie with your man because belly laughs make you fat, or something. So Cosmo is suggesting we do these hilarious and ridiculous things, and then saying that whatever you do, DON’T LAUGH!
Then, later, during oral sex, pause and say, “OM NOM NOM NOM.” I have actually done this. Swear to whatever gods you feel like honouring.
This article was great but it missed some of the most horrible Cosmo tips I have come across that defy both good judgement and the laws of physics including: -Give him a handjob whilst holding grapes between you fingers -Wrap a shoelace around his dick and lightly pull on the ends back and forth for a lovely sensation of friction(!!!???!!) and my all time favorite -Just when he is abut to come, sprinkle black pepper in his face so he sneezes and it increases the violence of his muscle spasms I really want to know how these explanations went at the emergency room.
@Carpenter, Re: Grapes Maybe you use one hand for each? One for the food grapes, one for the man grapes.
I wanted to try the pepper one, but our peppermill requires two hands to operate. Can I use preground pepper, and should I also offer a grating of Parmesan?
Some of Cosmo’s suggestions aren’t even funny, and are (to me) rather horrifying, such as the advice they’ve repeatedly given to women that most men supposedly like it when, during sex, you suddenly and without warning shove a finger up them. I would doubt it. Not to mention the rather glaring consent issue.
OM NOM NOM! Bwahahahaha! *tears streaming down eyes* I’ve done some pretty silly stuff in bed, and I’m sure that piece of advice would get me kicked out in short order. It would be funny as hell, and we’d both be laughing, but I don’t think he’d be in the right mood after….
pillowinhell, to be fair, when I did it there was some context that made it less disruptive to the mood. 🙂
Can I use preground pepper Sure, if you’re a barbarian. And that Parmesan had damn well better be shaved, and right there at the bedside.
I want to laugh, but “Cosmopolitan” is too generally offensive to be amusing, even unintentionally. This is a magazine that claimed in the late 1980s that you can’t get HIV through the missionary position. Or maybe I’m too much of a crotchety feminist to have a sense of humour. If they retitled the magazine as “Pleasing Your Man By Subordinating Your Sexual Pleasure to His,” all the articles would still make sense and nobody would bat an eye.
Pleasing Your Man By Subordinating Your Sexual Pleasure to His …literally nothing Cosmo advocates doing to men is even remotely pleasing, and a lot of it is downright psychotic. Let’s remember they’ve been a pretty consistent advocate of domestic violence against men as punishment for flirting/cheating with other women. Cosmo is awful for everyone.
I was expecting something more but I’m kind of happy this was all this was. I chuckled. Practice does make perfect.