For all the positives and negatives of any lifestylish baby care method, it’s a tiny fraction of parenting overall. If we’re interested in having real conversations about the state of motherhood in the U.S., we might talk about how teen pregnancy is more a symptom of the lack of class mobility than it is about literally any other factor, or we can talk about how the U.S. ranks 25th of 43 countries (the lowest developed nation) in motherhood-friendliness, or how the US has the highest maternal mortality rate in the world, and how the victims of this mortality rate are mostly women of color. Or we can keep squabbling over whether or not rich white ladies are parenting their children of privilege with the right silver spoons.
The parenting arguments (real or not) always seem to imply that parenting only takes place until the kid is about five or so, don’t they? Yes, Lauren, please keep talking!
I agree with Lauren. And I didn’t like the article–for me, it reinforces the notion that you should want all these good outcomes for your kids but that you can’t talk about how to get there without risk of criticism for stoking the mommy wars, which are actually stoked by media outlets looking for revenue. The author seems to be lashing out at the woman on the cover of TIME, instead of the photographer, the editor, etc. There is some evidence out there about how to treat children (e.g., there have been other threads here about not being abusive toward kids, which some parenting advice still advocates), so it does matter what you do to some extent, though there will always, in our capitalist society, be hucksters trying to prey upon insecurities to “sell” their philosophy or products, so we need to think critically about such claims. This article seems more dismissive than critical, and as a parent who is interested in tools to help me, I don’t find it helpful. There’s been a lot of stuff in the media lately about attachment parenting and I find it has more heat than light in that it portrays AP in an extreme way. I like and follow the AP philosophy to some extent, mainly because (as I see it) it gives parents permission to choose to do things in a way that works for their own family as opposed to following some expert prescription that often looks at kids as some kind of different species to be “trained.” I’m talking about http://www.attachmentparenting.org/principles/principles.php There are certainly some who claim that AP means you have to do x, y, or z, but I don’t buy it–there’s always that last point about balance, which means that if breastfeeding, co-sleeping or whatever just doesn’t work for you, doing things a different way is the right choice, and that you as the parent are the one who knows that. So, I don’t know, I’m a feminist, and a parent, but I didn’t really care about the TIME article except as an example of how the media frames topics to increase profits, and don’t really care about this piece either.
The policies that surround childbirth, childhood, motherhood, and families in the U.S. are embarrassingly shallow and regressive, and absolutely out of line with the “richest nation in the world” claims. Rich in paper, maybe, but astoundingly poor when it comes to investing in human capital. For example, we can talk about how having children knocks tens of thousands of dollars off of a woman’s paycheck that she will never recover over her working lifetime. We can talk about how having a medically fragile baby is financially ruinous to families (great article, read that one) (also search the archives here for La Lubu’s guest posts on single-parenting a preemie). We can also talk about why the U.S. is one of the only countries in the world that doesn’t guarantee paid medical leave for mothers who work outside the home (good facts there, don’t read the comments). This “Are You Mom Enough?” martyrdom-anxiety bullshit consistently takes the stage, which distracts us from the reality that women in the U.S. are politically and socially weak as a class, and purposely disenfranchised as a class of people by the powerful, and that our rights to live our lives and do our jobs and raise our families are constantly, constantly, constantly under attack.
I loved this article, not least for its use of the term “insecurity porn.” Debates about who’s a better mommy serve only to make parents more insecure and distract attention from the ways in which our entire culture could be more supportive of families. It makes it all about Mom’s “choices,” rather than about our choices and values as a society. Plus, I like her reminder that raising kids is ultimately about raising adults who will go out into the world, and the values you live by and work to instill in your child are far more important than whether or not you co-slept or breastfed until the kid was two or whatever other ginned-up nonsense standard they come up with next.
Do you think it’s possible that we could spend just as much time and energy warring about the real problems that negatively affect children? What about the kids who are sold for drugs or living on the streets? What about all of the children that go to bed hungry and starving every night or scared of the abuse they know will be coming after they fall asleep? Can we just take a moment and focus on some of the real parenting problems that exist and are worthy of our attention? I have a perspective shift here: http://www.themommypsychologist.com/2012/05/08/what-are-the-real-parenting-problems/
I was also unimpressed with the article. It’s all very well to say “I hope…” but only actual parenting choices (needless to say in a supportive society) will achieve those outcomes. I am always grateful for advice on how to parent well. This is not a situation of either mothers attack eachother or say nothing about parenting at all. There is a middle way of parents sharing their philosophies without judging eachother. Also, what Lauren, Jennifer and Mommy Psychologist said.
Agreed with Lauren on all points. Having a child should be the right of women of all classes, not a privilege reserved for the upper class. The U.S is one of the only developed nations that doesn’t have mandated paid maternity leave, subsidized daycare, universal health care….. the list goes on. It’s making having children for all but the upper class incredibly difficult. Why don’t U.S policies support women who are mothers?
This article isn’t from the perspective of activists, or a how-to, it’s a reminder that pitting women against each other in some kind of cage match isn’t about kids, it’s about voyeurism. If you want to be a good parent, you don’t have to breast feed or be white or have money or even be a man or woman. You have to be someone that loves your kids, wants them to be good people, and does the best you can with what you have. The shit in our nation that fucks over mothers and parents isn’t about *how* to raise your kids, and that’s what sucking up all the attention. And reminding people that “how” is a stupid question that doesn’t address any of the real issues facing parents today is an article worth writing and reading.
I just don’t see how the linked blog addresses those real issues either. A lot of the other commentary about the recent “Mommy Wars” does, but not this one.
Lauren! Lauren! Lauren! (said in a cheering manner) What Lauren said. Very much what Lauren said. I’m so very tired of the “Chill, ladies” rhetoric which does nothing to even illuminate the systemic problems.