In defense of the sanctimonious women's studies set || First feminist blog on the internet

Dealbreakers

Jill

I am unhealthily obsessed with GOOD’s Dealbreakers features — it’s nice to see articles that discuss boundary-drawing without finger-wagging “you’re so shallow” commentary. Because you know, I also won’t date anyone who is anti-choice, or who insists that their dog watch us have sex, or who has very strict dietary preferences. Some people would date all of those people; some people would date an anti-choice gluten-free vegan with an ass-licking dog. And that’s great! Being a judgmental bitch is not the worst thing when it comes to picking a partner (being a judgmental bitch who is open to dating outside of one’s comfort zone is actually the best thing, I think). Lots of people won’t date militant feminists who sing the praises of period sex on the internet, or thick-thighed New York lawyer/writers who would like cheese and wine with every meal and will always order the weirdest thing on the menu. The world is a big place and there are lots of interesting people in it; hetero women, unfortunately, are not often reminded that the world is a big place with lots of interesting people in it, and are instead routinely told that men are the ones doing the picking, and we should settle for the first nice guy who wants to wife us. I say no! I’m not saying reject anyone who doesn’t fit 100% into your Barbie and Ken Wedding Fantasy Dream Set. No need to reject a blond because you usually date brunettes; no need to judge a guy because he likes videogames and you’ve never played a single one other than Duck Hunt (a fact that some of you may be horrified to learn is true about me, since my parents would never let me have a Nintendo and I’m still unclear on what kinds of videogames came to be after that). But if a dude has some characteristics that you absolutely know in your gut you cannot tolerate? Don’t feel guilty about it. No one is entitled to date you, and you aren’t obligated to spend time with someone you don’t actually want to spend time with. Totally out-there advice, I know, but not exactly the Dating Manual Gospel these days.

Draw lines! Have deal-breakers! And then date people who are outside of your normal to-do pool and see how interesting things can be when you combine “having standards” with “being open and adventurous.”

61 thoughts on Dealbreakers

  2. Draw lines! Have deal-breakers! And then date people who are outside of your normal to-do pool and see how interesting things can be when you combine “having standards” with “being open and adventurous.”

    It took me a fair while to reach that point. It’s a good point to be at. I sometimes make the analogy to many of the great modernist painters (although any artform will do), and say that much great art comes from knowing the rules and the lines and then acknowledging which ones you are breaking because you choose to right now.

  3. The thing I try to keep in mind is that “as you judge, so shall you be judged”. It’s a nice dose of humility that helps me remember that just because I’m not into someone or attracted to her, or whatever, it doesn’t mean she’s a Terrible, Horrible, No-Good, Very Bad Person. It just means that we don’t click for whatever reason. And, furthermore, there may be things about me that she doesn’t like.

    The world is a big place and there are lots of interesting people in it; hetero women, unfortunately, are not often reminded that the world is a big place with lots of interesting people in it, and are instead routinely told that men are the ones doing the picking, and we should settle for the first nice guy who wants to wife us.

    Not to drift too much, but in our younger and less-experienced days, me and my friends were convinced that the converse was true, i.e., that’s it’s women doing the picking in hetero dating/relationships/whatever. As we got a little older and a little more mature, we learned that the story is much more complicated than that and that women get a different set of messages than we did.

  4. I like this – I may have to trot it out whenever someone wonders why I turned that guy down because “he seemed nice enough!” because, of course, I’m almost 26! I need to hurry up and take the first “nice” man who will have me!

  5. I supposed you missed the one where she dumped the guy because he’d dated men before, and didn’t even tell him the real reason?

    That’s not just being picky/judgmental. That’s being a homophobic bigot. And a lying one, at that.

  7. Jill, I love that advice. It took me a long time to realize that dating a man because he’s nice is unfair to the guy (who might get a girlfriend who actually wants him and will get dumped when I realize that I don’t actually get along with him) and to me (because I’m dating someone I don’t actually like). I’ve been having casual sex lately, because I can trust my ability to have casual sex.

  8. Jill doesn’t play videogames? That explains how she can juggle a demanding job, this blog, and whatever social life she has.

  9. Good post Jill. It is important to know exactly what your deal breakers are before going in to any relationship. Some times there are things that you can’t know up front, however the more you do the better you can weed out the people who will drive you nuts.

  10. I have found out that having boundaries is very important when dating or in a relationship. It requires something thinking and reflecting but it is worth shaving you the trouble of “Oh what do I do?!!” in a certain iffy situation.

    My first major relationship was with a guy who was so much like me and so agreeable that I never felt pushed or uncomfortable in any way that I never felt the need to really set any boundaries. Then when I got with another guy who had a tendency to unintelligibly push lines of many things that I wasn’t agreeable with, and so I was often shocked and stuck on certain actions of his and didn’t know what to do or say to him right away, so I had to learn as I went with what my boundaries are and what things I will and won’t accept.

    If you don’t set these for yourself, you are likely to end up being pushed into agreeing to things that you will later regret. But by no means do I think that you shouldn’t have an open mind either. It may take a little time to think about it, but either way, line drawing is very important.

  11. I would say be open and adventurous, but with healthy people. I have run the table in that department and could write a whole column entitled “Women I’m Not Married To”. And for good reason!

    I could also add a smaller section entitled “Men I’m Not Married To”.

  12. I had a list when I was single. But mostly…I dunno…I think sometimes people take dating more seriously than I did. I was never looking for Mr. LTR just someone I liked to be around (or naked, whichever). For me a dealbreaker could be anything, if it annoyed me…so long! If it wasn’t my cup of tea…bye! No offense (usually), no harm…just…no thanks.

    But I think that was dependent on two things (1) I didn’t care about the pressure to pick someone and (2) I think of “dating” as friends you fuck with no more “investment” than you would have with any friend that you’ve known for an equivalent amount of time.

  14. I couldn’t live with a religious person or a political conservative. That I know about myself.

    My husband does not resemble physically any of the men I was wild about before I met him. But our worldviews are very similar. He’s kind, funny, reliable, and is also firm on the use of the serial comma. We laugh at the same things. His music drives me crazy.
    I’ve always been a “strong” woman, which he respects but he also knows that I need support sometimes.
    We’ve been married for more than 24 years — so far it’s worked for us.

  15. Comrade Kevin:
    I would say be open and adventurous, but with healthy people.

    What’s unhealthy? Because if unhealthy = “has issues”, I think lots of people actually prefer people “with issues” because they sometimes can relate better than someone who doesn’t “have issues”. Also, I don’t like the idea that people who “have issues” are by definition not deserving of or ready to be loved, or that you should achieve X level of psychological normalcy before it’s okay for you to be in a relationship, or that you can’t possibly have a positive, functional relationship if you and/or your partner “have issues”. Not to mention that sometimes being in a relationship can help with “issues”; i.e., I had a lot of “issues” in my last relationship, and what fixed them wasn’t a period of Runaway Bride soul-searching in which I discovered what kind of eggs I liked, but rather immediately and serendipitously ending up with someone who was validating and supportive and lent me the strength I needed until I could stand on my own two feet again.

    This is not to say that everyone is best served by being in a relationship, or that some people with or without “issues” wouldn’t be better off single for awhile, but sometimes I think people with “issues” – which often boil down to a history of oppression, trauma, marginalization, abuse, or just denote something supposedly “atypical” like being asexual, having a disability, or just falling outside the standard deviation in some way – are unfairly stigmatized with regard to relationships.

    I realize this seem like a pretty left-field response to your comment, which for all I know is alluding to something else entirely, but it’s something I’ve been thinking about lately; that a lot of the lovable people I know are prematurely and painfully rejected over and over again because being traumatized or having a psychiatric disability is so many people’s dealbreaker. Sometimes you don’t need to be “healthy” in the normative sense in order to build a loving relationship, you know? It really depends on a lot of factors.

  16. I don’t want to speak for Comrade Kevin, but I would guess that “healthy” was meant in a “healthy for you as a partner” sense – as in, someone who is not abusive or dangerous to you, someone who you can have a healthy, i.e. not abusive, relationship with. Because being open and adventurous is IMO something one should only do with people who are not abusive, who are trustworthy and reliable and loving.

  18. I agree with your article, but gluten-free isn’t necessarily a preference, and shouldn’t be lumped in with veganism. For people with celiac disease, it’s the only treatment. You’re still allowed to not want to date people who avoid it, but if I could choose to eat bread I would, I’m not being picky or new age

  20. Kristen J.I think of “dating” as friends you fuck with no more “investment” than you would have with any friend that you’ve known for an equivalent amount of time.

    Same here. In fact, I don’t think I ever really “dated” in my life. My husband started out as a friend, and when his relationship ended, we got together. My other previous LTR was also a friend (of a few months) first. The idea of meeting someone so you can be in a potential relationship with them is sort of weird to me, even if I know that’s how 99% of the world does it. But that weeds out a lot of the dealbreakers, since I wouldn’t be good friends with someone I found odious either.

  22. @Miriam–

    if you realize that you have homophobic hangups of some kind, and you’re dating someone who has had homosexual relationships in the past, it is probably best to break up with them, and probably kindest to NOT say, “I have issues with the fact you fucked guys, and though I don’t judge you for it, there’s no way we can ever be together! =D”

    I just… don’t see that as a good idea. Should she have stayed with him once she realized that she had issues? Should she have wrangled it out in the open and used him as her personal enlightenment tool?

    Shitty, bigoted reasons are probably some of the BEST reasons to break up with someone.

  23. Dane:
    I agree with your article, but gluten-free isn’t necessarily a preference, and shouldn’t be lumped in with veganism. For people with celiac disease, it’s the only treatment. You’re still allowed to not want to date people who avoid it, but if I could choose to eat bread I would, I’m not being picky or new age

    Dane, veganism isn’t necessarily a preference either.

  24. I agree with karak. If someone doesn’t want to date me because they have issues with queers, genderqueers, people who are not entirely sane or sluts, it’s best for me and them that they dump me. Being the catalyst to your personal growth is not my job.

  25. I think it is ok to choose or reject any sexual or romantic partner for literally ANY reason. If a person wants to only date within their own race or they want only partners with no bisexuality in their past, or no history of mental illness or addiction, they can pick based on any factors they want. Sexual choices are not a realm where “equal opportunity” needs to be applied.

    If you don’t HIRE someone because of their age, race, sexual orientation or mental health status, you are a bigot. If you don’t DATE someone because of their age, race, sexual orientation or mental health status, that’s just your taste and you shouldn’t feel bad about it or take any crap about it from others.

    And it works both ways: If I was denied a promotion because of my race, age, gender, size, wide feet, acne scars, deep-ish voice, whatever, I’d be LIVID and probably pursue legal action. If someone declined to have sex with me because he isn’t into women, white people, bad skin, big thighs, deep voices, the shape of my labia, whatever, it might be disappointing or hurt my feelings but I would have no reason to be mad.

    And if someone rejected me bacause of the shape of my labia or the pitch of my voice or that I’ve had too many/few sexual partners in the past, I think the more compassionate thing is to just say “you seem nice, but you’re not really my type” rather than “you have a man-voice” or “you’re a big fat fatty” or “I think you’re a slut.” No need to be cruel just because you’re not into someone.

  26. I thought the issue with the Gizmodo writer is not that she had a dealbreaker, but that she used the guy’s full, real name in an attempted effort to shame him. I’m glad it backfired on her, it’s totally okay not to want to date nerds (even if Magic is awesome), but calling someone out by name isn’t cool, unless they are abusive. Also, she deserved it for not knowing that OKCupid is where nerds go to date, I’ve never used Internet dating sites and even I know that.

  27. I gotta say I have to agree with the “you shouldn’t date queer people if you have huge issues with queer people” and “you probably don’t need to tell the queer people you’re breaking it off with that it’s because they’re giant queermos” people. Being an asshole who’s pity-dating someone you secretly look down on so that you don’t have to admit you’re a bigot might work for you, but it’s going to be really shitty for your poor partner. Being the latest in what’s probably a string of people to say “You’re not good enough for me because of whatever intrinsic thing you’ve got going” also is probably something they don’t really need, even if you feel like it would get you honesty points. “It’s not you, it’s me” or “I’m not good enough for you” just about cover it. I mean, if a person can’t manage to not be an asshole in general, they can at least manage to not spread their shit around too much, right?

  29. I really enjoyed reading this article. I’m about to be a freshman in college and all I hear about is is the career I’m choosing going to fit in with children and my older sister scrambling to find a decent guy in college to marry. It just makes me want to stop stressing and find something that I will enjoy and someone I will enjoy being around.

  30. The Gizmodo kerfluffle is one of those “there’s nobody to root for here” situations.

    The white hot nerdrage being directed at the writer is totally over the top. On the other hand going on 2 dates with someone and then mocking them in public using their real name just because you don’t like their hobbies is a pretty rotten thing to do.

    1. So I did read the Gizmodo post, but this wasn’t a response to it. That said, my thoughts on it amount to: Folks have a right to date and reject whoever they want, for whatever reason, and so if the Gizmodo writer didn’t want to date a Magic World Champion, that’s her prerogative, but it was shitty of her to put his name and photo on the internet. I would have no issue with the story if it kept him anonymous — I know a lot of folks are complaining because of the “OMG he’s such a nerd!” thing, but hey, some people don’t want to date nerds — but it was unfair to use his name.

      But yeah, that’s not actually what this post was about — this wasn’t a back-handed way of discussing it, and I was actually planning on writing about it in a separate post once I had time. I really do just love the GOOD series. I think it’s an interesting comparison story, though!

  31. “thick thighed”
    Jeebus H. Christmas, Jill, would you cut it out? No, you’re not an anorexic super model but you’re fantastically attractive from top to bottom, literally and figuratively (and I mean figuratively both literally and figuratively) – and you know it, see, e.g. (lawyerly enough, for you?)
    http://www.flickr.com/photos/kate_auh2o/3267135121/in/photostream/

    So enough with the coy self deprecation. You’re a fox, stop pretending you’re not.

  32. Lyra:
    OKCupid is where nerds go to date?! Oh! Oh! If this is true, I should go to OKCupid. Can anyone confirm for me?

    Anecdata: I (nerd) met my long term partner (also nerd) via OKC. I’ve also met a few platonic nerd friends through OKC.

    I can’t say it’s like 99% nerd over there or anything, but I’ve had no trouble finding other nerd-minded individuals.

  34. @Lyra–

    a friend of mine (anime nerd and library sciences major) met her current boyfriend (anime/computer nerd, Master’s in computer sciences) on OKCupid. There are a lot of nerds there, apparently.

  35. GumbyAnne:
    I think it is ok to choose or reject any sexual or romantic partner for literally ANY reason.If a person wants to only date within their own race or they want only partners with no bisexuality in their past, or no history of mental illness or addiction, they can pick based on any factors they want.Sexual choices are not a realm where “equal opportunity” needs to be applied.

    If you don’t HIRE someone because of their age, race, sexual orientation or mental health status, you are a bigot.If you don’t DATE someone because of their age, race, sexual orientation or mental health status, that’s just your taste and you shouldn’t feel bad about it or take any crap about it from others.

    And it works both ways: If I was denied a promotion because of my race, age, gender, size, wide feet, acne scars, deep-ish voice, whatever, I’d be LIVID and probably pursue legal action.If someone declined to have sex with me because he isn’t into women, white people, bad skin, big thighs, deep voices, the shape of my labia, whatever, it might be disappointing or hurt my feelings but I would have no reason to be mad.

    And if someone rejected me bacause of the shape of my labia or the pitch of my voice or that I’ve had too many/few sexual partners in the past, I think the more compassionate thing is to just say “you seem nice, but you’re not really my type” rather than “you have a man-voice” or “you’re a big fat fatty” or “I think you’re a slut.”No need to be cruel just because you’re not into someone.

    I think it’s entirely possible to choose to date – or not to date – various people for reasons that are sexist, racist, classist, ableist, transphobic, homophobic, etc – as opposed to “just your taste”. For example, I like to date people on the gentle, quiet, shy side. That’s just my taste. But if I’m one of those white guys who only seeks Asian women because I believe they’re all gentle, quiet and shy – that’s not just “my taste” anymore. That’s racist.

    And that’s not cool and not okay. If we recognize that these -isms are extremely pervasive and that most of us espouse them in some shape or form, we can be realistic and acknowledge that even our love lives are affected. If you won’t hire a black woman because you think all black women are hypersexual and aggressive, that’s a problem. And if you won’t date a black woman because you think all black women are hypersexual and aggressive, that’s still a problem. We can’t say that one is racist and one is “just your taste” if what backs up your “taste” is racism.

    But the solution is not to “force” yourself to date someone you’re not into, the solution is to work on your shit and then the degree to which those -isms play a role in your love life should follow accordingly.

    The way that people try to cast the relationship realm as completely, magically immune from -isms – or even acknowledge that isn’t immune, but insist we should pretend that it is – reminds me of the way that people defend comedy or certain fetishes (like “yellow fever”). No, just because you’re looking for a mate, making a joke, or getting off in your living room in front of the computer does not mean that an -ism isn’t playing a role. No, the solution is not to pretend you aren’t -ist even though you still feel that way (by dating people you aren’t into, withholding laughter at something you privately think is hilarious, or forcing yourself to get off on white girls instead of Asian ones); the solution is to actually work on being less -ist.

    Not just because being -ist in the relationship realm means you’re invariably going to be -ist in other realms as well, but because you’re contributing to a form of marginalization: people who fall into X oppressed group and as result are considered by dominant society to be less desirable as partners. It’s shitty knowing that you’re a worthwhile person, but the color of your skin or your wheelchair or your X quality is so devalued by society that you have to watch other people attracting each other like flies as you sit in the sidelines.

    Again, no I am not saying people should force themselves to be with people they don’t want. Of course not. That’s cruel. But if you find yourself not wanting to be with X people for -ist reasons, that’s a red flag that you should be working in whatever that ism is.

    Because a less sexist, racist, classist, etc world is a better world, no?

  37. Sure, including the dude’s name was pretty shitty, but what really provoked the Nerd Rage was the whole “mean girls” tone of the piece.

    I mean ZOMG, this uber geek dated two, count ’em two, Gizmodo writer chicks. Who does this dork think he is? Girls, be sure to Google your dates or you too might accidentally date someone who plays Magic:The Gathering.

    Maybe you might have noticed, my associates in Geek Nation tend to be a little sensitive about that sort of thing. Posting that on Gizmodo was like poking a bear in a cage with a short stick.

  38. In my experience, it is more productive to think about a relationship in terms of questions like “Are we on the same path?” Might be 6 of one, half-dozen of another, but I think you get the benefits expressed in your post with less possibility of sabotaging good relationships by blowing small things out of proportion.

  39. Lyra: OKCupid is where nerds go to date?! Oh! Oh! If this is true, I should go to OKCupid. Can anyone confirm for me?

    All the professional nerds, Burners, pagans, circus folk, non-monogamous types, and hipsters I know use OK Cupid if they use anything.

  40. Some people would date all of those people; some people would date an anti-choice gluten-free vegan with an ass-licking dog.

    That is not a sentence I expected to read when I woke up this morning.

    I love the Internet. It delivers new and amusing thoughts to my brain.

  42. Who says that the phrase “thick thighed” reflects anything less than a positive self-description on Jill’s part? That is a phrase I use to describe myself and I think of it on the same plane a “large breasted.” That is, one of my best physical traits. A physical trait that I love and consider a net positive to my overall physical attractiveness. I don’t think it is helpful to read body hatred into a statement where you don’t know it was intended. If Jill is anything like me, she didn’t mean it like you think.

  43. The big problem for me is that the author framed this as something that is, alone, misogynistic. I know there are plenty of guys out there who do have a misogynistic aversion to periods. They’re also the guys who’s misogyny expands beyond just period sex, or even periods in general. If a guy is otherwise not misogynistic, then an aversion to period blood and sex does not alone make him some sexist asshole. As part of a larger compilation of misogynistic bullshit, yes, but not alone.

    Also, the idea that it’s totally fine for women to be grossed out by period blood and sex (even if they aren’t grossed out by other blood) but that it’s not for men really furthers a strict gender binary instead of challenges it.

    Look, bottom line: I’m having a hard time imagining some guy being all “Hey, sweetie, your period blood grosses me out so much that I can’t touch it with my finger, but also? I’m totally hard for you right now, hot lips!” Just because a guy doesn’t find something so gross that he has to run screaming from the room doesn’t mean it’s conducive to getting an erection. The way this issue is framed, it makes it sound like if guys don’t want to be sexist assholes, they should really suck it up and stick it in your bloody vagina. I want my guys to be actually hot for me each and every time, not see it as some kind of chore alongside taking out the trash and cleaning the litter box.

  44. saurus: We can’t say that one is racist and one is “just your taste” if what backs up your “taste” is racism.

    But what if it isn’t? Dating is, at least in part and probably a lot at the beginning, based on physical attractiveness – so what if you just think that very dark skin is more beautiful than very light skin, for example?

    I’m not going to go too far with this point because a. I have almost no dating experience myself and b. I do think that when people prefer or don’t prefer to date people of different races, there’s often some amount of racism involved. But there doesn’t always have to be. Most people can say they have a physical “type” that they are most attracted to, and I just think that skin color or other racial signifiers could be a part of that without the person actually being racist in any other part of their life.

  45. When this came up the last time, or the time before last, a commenter at my place remarked that taste shouldn’t be a dealbreaker — but values certainly ought to be. Of course, that’s not an easy distinction; someone over the age of 25 who admires Ayn Rand’s views has failed the values test; someone of any age who admires her writing style has flunked Taste 101.

  46. Hi,

    I love Jil post. I believe is very important to have deal-breackers. I we don’t accept that we have it and try to accommodate that could lead to resentment and even domestic violence (trying to change your partner is a control behavior).

    We can end up demanding things because I am tolerating your love for dogs or whatever.

    The thing to remember is that not been in our date zone don’t make anybody a monster and we should not shame them into compliance.

    Miriam: GOOD’s Dealbreakers

    I will not be that harsh will her. She is aware of the issue. it’s just that she could not handle it. He is not gay. He is bisexual. The fair of the bisexual is pervasive even in the lesbian community. (I don’t know how male homosexuals see them).

    I believe she was right in ending the dating. He deserve better. Also she have the right not to date him so no harm done.

    I know I will not have a problem with that, but I also know there are other areas were I am not were I will like to be.

    She was brave not to fool herself nor him.

    Avida

  47. This is an honest question, It there really a medical condition that block people from eating or dressing with any animal product ?

    I was not aware and have been unable to find it via google (the fact that my english is not the best could be related to that)

    For me this is very important since I am a teacher.

    Thanks,

    Avida

    Tori: Dane, veganism isn’t necessarily a preference either.

  48. Avida Quesada:
    This is an honest question, It there really a medical condition that block people from eating or dressing with any animal product ?

    I was not aware and have been unable to find it via google (the fact that my english is not the best could be related to that)

    For me this is very important since I am a teacher.

    Thanks,

    Avida

    Not wearing, necessarily — though it may be that I just don’t know about that. But I have what my gastroenterologist described as a “very mild” case of Crohn’s disease, and all animal products set it off to some extent. Of course, different individuals with Crohn’s do have different food triggers. However, I could very easily imagine a situation where someone with my same triggers but more severe symptoms might need to adopt a vegan diet as a matter of survival.

  50. @Saurus:

    If you’ve got, say, some kind of lingering issues with black people, it’s probably best you not date black people, and if it’s because you simply don’t want to, that’s fine as well. As long as you’re not actively rude or hostile to a black person that asks you out, I see no reason why you can’t be as racist or bigoted as you want in your dating choices. Dating, IMO, is kind of like a dry-run for the rest of my life. If I really, really, really don’t want to spend the rest of my life with person with trait X, and I don’t care to try and make myself, I don’t see why I should.

  51. Sarah: But what if it isn’t? Dating is, at least in part and probably a lot at the beginning, based on physical attractiveness – so what if you just think that very dark skin is more beautiful than very light skin, for example?

    I’m not going to go too far with this point because a. I have almost no dating experience myself and b. I do think that when people prefer or don’t prefer to date people of different races, there’s often some amount of racism involved. But there doesn’t always have to be. Most people can say they have a physical “type” that they are most attracted to, and I just think that skin color or other racial signifiers could be a part of that without the person actually being racist in any other part of their life.

    I don’t entirely follow you – aren’t we on the same page here? My problem is with people who have a racist sense of attraction not working on their racism (or other -ism). Disclaimer: again, for the “omg you want to force people to date people they aren’t into!!!” people who may be reading this, no, I don’t think it’s the attraction that can or should be worked on, but rather the underlying racism.

    If your sense of attraction isn’t racist – such as your “I just think darker skin is prettier, not because it’s ‘exotic’ or ‘primal’ or whatever, and not because the dominant social attitudes dictate it” example – then there’s no problem, obviously.

    My issue is not with people preferring X body type, Y personality or Z culture. My issue is when that preference has an oppressive basis. And, more specifically in this comment thread, my issue is when people feel like having an oppressive attitude is beyond critique when mate selection is involved.

  53. Hi,

    Thanks to Tori and Amanda,
    I will read about Crohn on the Wiki. It’s very complicated to manage.
    The prevalence is low, but I will study some more and thing of how to make the environment safe for a possible student.

    Thanks again,
    Avida

  54. Yes, for the record, I did not mean “thick-thighed” as anything other than a descriptive term. I don’t think it’s a bad thing, and I didn’t mean it in a self-deprecating way. Back to the topic!

  55. I don’t have a lot of dealbreakers but two things I have written guys off for are as follows:

    1) Falling asleep during the movie Hard Core Logo (yes.. I can’t date a guy who doesn’t get why I love this film.. if they don’t, then they probably don’t get me)

    2) Making a gay joke. Not even a CLEVER one.. you know, the kind you try really hard not to laugh at, but you do anyway but feel like a huge asshole about it. No, not even that kind. Just kind of a “oh dude.. did you really just make the ‘limp-wrist’ motion?” *groan*

    Most of the other stuff I’ve broken up with guys over has been the run-of-the-mill lying, cheating, ‘i-just-dont-know-what-i-want’ ambivalent type fuckery.

  56. Avida Quesada: This is an honest question, It there really a medical condition that block people from eating or dressing with any animal product ?

    I was not aware and have been unable to find it via google (the fact that my english is not the best could be related to that)

    For me this is very important since I am a teacher.

    Someone else addressed eating, but as to wearing, there are a lot of animal-based products that can be skin irritants or full blown allergens. Most animal hair (sheep wool, goat hair like cashmere), for example, as well as beeswax (a common natural lotion ingredient). A lot of chemicals go into tanning leather, which could cause issues for someone with chemical sensitivities. So if someone had allergies and chemical sensitivities it could significantly limit their ability to wear animal derived fabrics.

  57. How could ANYONE fall asleep during Hard Core Logo? Seriously, who the hell you think you are, dudes w/ no taste in quality Canuckistanian indie cinema (the book, by former Hard Rock Miner Michael Turner, is also well worth your time).

  58. matttbastard:
    How could ANYONE fall asleep during Hard Core Logo? Seriously, who the hell you think you are, dudes w/ no taste in quality Canuckistanian indie cinema (the book, by former Hard Rock Miner Michael Turner, is also well worth your time).

    I KNOW RIGHT???

    And I’ve been meaning to track down a copy of the book.

  59. I have so many deal-breakers that I’m doomed to flings & one night stands, because i don’t know how a long term relationship could even work:

    * if they’re at all religious and/or don’t believe in evolution, I just can’t be in a relationship with them

    * any signs of homophobia or -isms? done.

    * anti-choice/anti-birth control? it’s over.

    *conservative politics? nope.

    * if they want me to stay at home while they work, I’m running in the opposite direction

    * too many sexual inhibitions (because they’re a prude, NOT because of trauma, which is understandable) & I’ll be too bored to continue

    * unwilling to clean up behind themself? gtfo

    * a strong desire to reproduce will usually cause me to end it

  60. Pingback: Noli Irritare Leones » Dealbreakers

Comments are currently closed.