In defense of the sanctimonious women's studies set || First feminist blog on the internet

God, Dogs, and Self-Care – Balancing Social Justice and the Self

Kristen J

Yeah, I know what you’re thinking, what the fuck do those three things have to do with one another. It works…I promise.

A lot of my screwed up sexist programing came from the Christian Sect I was raised in for the first several years of my life. Some of it I was able to defeat with shear cussedness, some with reason, some with empathy, but some of it lingers in my psyche and worms its way out from time to time. This is particularly true of the culture of giving. It’s something I’m not sure that non-Christians or more progressive Christians are familiar with. The phrase “give till it hurts” was common. The minister often spoke eloquently of how Christ gave away all of his possessions and how everything we gave would come back to us “10-fold” (ahem…of course the minister was “receiving” these gifts).

My parents were big proponents of giving and volunteering. So often my stuff (what little I had given that we were periodically homeless) was given away to those “less fortunate” (query who *those* people were). And at least twice a week we spent the evening volunteering, at prisons, homeless shelters, food banks…yada, yada. It didn’t matter if I were ill, or had homework or wanted to hang out with my friends any more than it mattered that I really, really loved that doll. My -self-, my needs, wants and desires were unimportant in the face of the needs, wants and desires of others.

When I walked away from Christianity, I walked away in some senses from this culture of giving. I no longer give with intention of getting anything back. And I thought I no longer gave till it hurts. I mean, shit…I’m not giving you my xbox (Mr. Kristen probably will tho…he’s a total sucker for big, sad eyes) or my tempurpedic slippers.

But this culture of giving is more than just a Christian thing, in some senses its a woman thing. Many women have been socialized to believe that we are the caretakers of society. While I left one source of that programming the pressure to care for others to the exclusion of my self remained.

So like many other women even if I can say, no, I don’t want to give you my last 50 cents, I have trouble saying, no, I won’t take one more client. Or, no, dear sweet love of my life, I don’t want to spend the evening filming your pitching motion so you can figure out how to get an extra mile an hour out of your slider. Or, no, I won’t volunteer this weekend. Like many women, I still have a tendency to ignore my own desires in favor of those my family, my friends, and my community.

I honestly thought I was handling the balance pretty well. I mean I still did *some* of the things I wanted. I played video games, golfed, went to dinner with friends. Sure I worked 18 hour days during the week and 12 hours a day on Saturdays. But Sundays, I spent cuddled up next to my favorite person in the world.

And then I got a dog (see…the dog fits, I told you!). And not just your average dog. An extraordinary dog. A dog that reflects my moods. If I’m stressed, she’s stressed. If I’m upset, she’s upset. If I’m laughing, she laughs. If I’m…she’s…well you get the idea.

I didn’t realize until she came along how close I skated to the edge of burn out practically all the time. That Sunday was keeping me from collapse, but it wasn’t enough to meet my own needs. So I took some time off and took some stock. I realized that I was valuing my own wellbeing as secondary to that of everyone else. In trying to balance the needs I saw around me, I forgot to include myself in the calculation.*

I am a person with value too. Even as a person with an enormous amount of privilege (and FSM knows I’ve been on both sides of that wall), I have the right to prioritize my own wellbeing. I have a right to self-care.

That’s not an easy thing to say. Not as a survivor of childhood neglect. Not as an escapee of that ridiculous fundamentalist Christian Sect. Not as a woman. Not as a person who cares deeply about social justice and her community.

I know other feminists and activists struggle with this same issue. IRL, we’ve talked about burn out, how to avoid it, how to say no and how it ultimately undermines the organizations that require our time and energy to sustain them. We’ve talked about managing the work load, the stress, and the failures. But still, sometimes it seems we drop like flies. I know many of you do activism in your own lives outside of the organizational structure that often impedes more than it helps. You too need to know this.

You have the right to prioritize your own wellbeing. You have a right to self care.

I’m not saying drop everything and go to the spa (although I have been to a spa and it rocked). I just want you to include yourself in your calculations of what is important. Because you are important too.

And if you don’t…I’m going to send Chi over to make sad face at you because I WILL BE SAD.

Chi being sad.
Why would you want her to make this face?

*Yeah, I’m aware how ridiculous it is that I learned to take care of myself because my *dog* wasn’t happy. I’m broken…I get it.

31 thoughts on God, Dogs, and Self-Care – Balancing Social Justice and the Self

  1. This is a beautiful, inspiring post. There is nothing ridiculous about it. For somebody it might be a dog that reminds them to take themselves into account. For others it might be a blog post that does the trick. 🙂

  2. It is definitely a woman thing, unfortunately. We’re told we must be patient and grateful and “give til it hurts.” And it makes it hard to say no and we lose ourselves in the process. Feminism didn’t just reestablish my rights–there came a point where I truly felt I was reestablishing my existence, through tiny things I never imagined would make a difference.

  3. I find as someone employed in making the world just a little bit better (aka the nonprofit sector) that there are these expectations on a huge level. We’re supposed to sometimes give so much that it really does hurt…give our time to those 18 hour days and weekends you just mentioned, and even donate financially despite the fact that we are in one of the most underpaid professions. Sometimes I really do give too much and I’m so tired that even just going with the flow seems less exhausting than the practice of setting boundaries and standing up for myself.

    But thanks for this reminder that I do need to do those things. It will be better for me (and everyone.)

  4. *blush* Thank you, Clarissa. That was very kind of you to say.

    @Nahida, I think so too. But then my experience is US centric and I’m not sure how this works in other cultures. If anyone would like to comment on that I would love to your takes.

    @Alynn, oh have I been there! Sometimes it feels as if all the responsibility is on this small group who are already giving so much. The pressure to do just that next little bit is nearly unrelenting. I hope you find the balance that works for you. My thoughts are with you.

  5. Also, there is a good chance your (general “you”) dogs <a href="“>worship your very existence — where “existence” means either “armpit” or “left boob.”

    Either way, their adoration is a Big Deal, and you deserve to let yourself be as awesome as they think you are.

  7. Saying “no” to volunteer work as a woman can itself BE activism, IMO. It’s shocking how disproportionately volunteering falls on women, and the judgement that rains down when you say “yeah, hmm, not so much.”

    I would carry on, but Chi’s cuteness is OVERLOADING MAH BRAIN. Ahem.

  9. When I first started my MA program, I had a long conversation with a fellow female student about this exact kind of thing. Both of us are invested in social justice and non-profit kind of work, plus as young students we feel this tremendous pressure to prove how dedicated and impressive we are. I started my grad program with the echoes of warnings in my head from other (mainly women) grad students and a resolution to always put my health and my thesis first, and I’m so glad I did because there’s a bad habit in my program of people taking advantage of the fact that one of our program requirements is to do basically pro-bono community work to get applied research experience. It’s supposed to be a time-limited commitment, but some students get sucked into projects that drag on for, literally, years. Meanwhile their funding runs out and their theses and dissertations languish.

    Within both academia and non-profit sectors, I find there’s this idea that tying your labour to wages is gauche and/or inappropriately capitalist. I’ve got a number of reservations about living in our current version of a capitalist society, but I believe that this kind of exaggerated charity and self-sacrifice actually *plays into* that system, by providing further opportunities for someone else to expand their profit margins and exploit labour. Already-marginalized people living in imposed poverty is not going to over-turn any capitalist economies or bring about a socialist utopia. As for money and paid labour being gauche, this hearkens back to the time when academic work was the province only of people of wealth and leisure, so fuck classism – we’ve got enough of that in our system already.

  10. @Chava – hell yeah. My new job – its great – the company is dedicated to philanthropy and I completely appreciate it…but holy mother of god every damn day there’s something new to volunteer for and every single committee has one sr manager dude and 5 women.

    @Jadey – I felt the same when I started law school. I was involved in a lot of pro bono projects and then decided to go corporate. You can not believe the flack I got from people over that. Which (1) I love the work I do even if it is part of the capitalist system and (2) I did not get a full ride to law school so there was a 150k I owed to Citibank.

  11. This is exactly what I need to hear on a very regular basis. Bookmarking for future self-reminder.

    THANK YOU for this!

  12. Pingback: Remember Self-Care «

  13. Did you ever see an episode of Law & Order: Criminal Intent called “The Saint”? It starred Stephen Colbert in a dramatic role, as the villain. He portrayed a document forger who was trying to discredit and ruin a church charity in revenge. He blamed the charity and its members for manipulating his mother. His mother was a lifelong, excessive and compulsive contributor to the church charity. She not only took away his childhood possessions to donate, she would repeatedly give away food, necessities and rent money, leaving the family bereft. In the beginning of the episode, he mails a lye bomb to kill an elderly charity member.

  14. Great post, you nail down a lot that’s wrong with some members of society being designated givers. I also grew up in a Christian sect, not so much on giving, more focused on The Rapture. It does make it a struggle to stay reality based sometimes.
    I’m a nurse, I supervise home care workers. It’s a constant balance to stay caring, but not give yourself away to your clients. I tell the aides that one reason we need to respect boundaries is that the extra care implies an unspoken obligation on the client’s part. That’s only human nature, and often unconscious. Then there’s some conflict and we find out, after all, that it’s a job. Setting limits prevents much hurt and misunderstanding.

  15. THIS. I’m also a nonprofit worker and the pressure to do more is unrelenting. At some point I just felt I was on the verge of burnout and just put my foot down. I already volunteer my time, if you factor in all the extra hours worked and the low pay. I do it because I love it, but I don’t have any more to give. One of the things I’ve done was move away from the front lines of my field. I’ll be back with more knowledge and kick-ass new skills, but I need a few years away in a differen role and I refuse to feel guilty about it.

    Anyway, thank you for the awesome post and sharing the adorable doggie pictures!

  16. Basically, Christianity is an altruistic religion and it has absorbed itself into our culture. And vice versa. In order to be full human beings we’re going to have to do things for ourselves and realize that our Western culture is built upon Christianity. I’ve talked about this in one blog but I think I’ll expand on it in my new one. Thanks for the post.

  17. I learned a similar lesson from my cats.

    But I fear the G-word is setting me off. I must admit that my esteem of people I shall never meet in the flesh rises in direct proportion to how low an iron they carry. Anyone else who uses a 1-iron cannot be all bad, whatever hir faults may be in other respects. Are you a good putter? I was not, but improved quite a bit once I started standing like Sam Snead, perpendicular to the line instead of parallel.

  19. @Douglas,

    You are certain to be disappointed. I am, unfortunately, a shit golfer. *sheepishly* I even carry…hybrid irons…

    I am an affront to talented women golfers everywhere…but I do love being outside and those rare moments when I strike the ball just right…and the companionship of three good friends also enjoying a fine day.

  20. Well, I used to play occasionally with an aunt whom probably would have done well with hybrids. She lived in particular dread of deep bunkers, which she always claimed held a mystical attraction for her poor balls.

    To make this semi-relevant, I did manage to use sexism to some advantage when I played regularly. I was well known not only for my putting stance but for using pink balls. Ostensibly, this was because I found it much easier to see a coloured ball than a white one in the fairway, but there was a second factor. Very few little old men would ever want to be caught playing golf with a pink ball. On the rare occasions when I lost one, a couple of holes later someone playing an adjacent hole who had found it would return it to me.

  21. Thank you for this. I wish women didn’t feel this basic need to not be able to say no.

    And I’m sorry that you experienced the damage from Fundamentalism. I had a friend in high school whose mother put “God” above her own son. If there was a mission trip to go to, regardless of whether the family had the money or not, she would go.

    She never made sure that her son had enough food to eat, gas in the car, or left preparations for emergencies. She disappeared until she was back from wherever she went.

  22. “*Yeah, I’m aware how ridiculous it is that I learned to take care of myself because my *dog* wasn’t happy. I’m broken…I get it.”

    Dude, whatever, my cat kept me from sliding too far down into depression, when she was alive.  Pets who care can be tremendously helpful for one’s mood, and in my opinion, your (utterly adorable) dog helps in that same fashion.

    (I mean “dude whatever” in a congenial fashion, not in a “clearly you do not already know this, allow me to edumacate” fashion.)

    I am still learning how to say no to giving without feeling hideously guilty.  Hell, I’m still learning this in relationships, let alone charities and the workplace.  It’s that whole “selfish is bad” thing, like caring about one’s own needs is bad.  Bah.

  23. This is something that I struggle with, and I think that everyone who is socialized in a religious context, especially women, have to be aware of it. I say this as a woman currently serving as a Christian pastor. I try to be conscious of not only what I am doing but what I am asking of others. And I am acutely aware that, although the church has been made of mostly women in American history, the church has almost exclusively paid for stereotypically male work. Pay the male pastor? Sure. Pay for a plumber? Sure. Pay for a Sunday School teacher or a childcare worker or for someone to cook? Let’s get a volunteer. And by volunteer they mean a woman. Someone recently told me that they ask for payment for their services in a helping profession, not because they need it necessarily, but because it attaches value to what they do and in order for that value to be established some energy must be exchanged. I like that. Sorry if you weren’t seeking solidarity from the inside of Christianity, but you got it anyway. After all, to love your neighbor as yourself, you first have to love yourself.

  25. XtinaS:
    Dude, whatever, my cat kept me from sliding too far down into depression, when she was alive. Pets who care can be tremendously helpful for one’s mood, and in my opinion, your (utterly adorable) dog helps in that same fashion.

    I know what you mean, my rabbit was a huge help in managing panic attacks when I had to stay home alone over night.

  27. This post is interesting. I volunteer for a non-profit rape crisis organization, and for our main volunteer positions, the group is incredibly respectful of our time and making sure that we are able and willing to give. But then there are all these other peripheral activities they organize which really do play into this weird paradigm where our time, because it is volunteer time, is essentially viewed as worthless. Ironically, I think this leads them to make some poor fundraising decisions.
    Case in point: we wanted to raise $900 to revamp counseling rooms. Noble cause, right? But the way we were going about it is to throw a party where goods and services were sold. One thing asked volunteers to bake items, then sell them. I spent $40 to buy all the goods needed to make cupcakes, and when I got there, maybe 2 people had bought any baked items (and my cupcakes failed because I was too rushed and overworked to pay attention while cooking them.). I realized what a waste it was; I would rather have written a check to the organization for $50 and had my time free, which I suspect is the case for many others–and only in an analysis where I have no actually money, my time is worth nothing, and my supplies are coming out of someone else’s paycheck would that model have made sense.
    I am usually pretty good about saying no to stuff that i don’t have time for, but in this case I just got sucked in without realizing it. And I think volunteering often has this pitfall: because the cost is viewed as free, people stop evaluating their goals using an economic, cost-benefit model. As a result, we get sucked into some pretty ineffective, time-sucking volunteer projects, which then lead to burnout.

  28. My favorite line to give to the women in my life who do too much is:

    “You have to put the oxygen mask on yourself first before you attempt to put it on someone else in the crashing airplane, otherwise you are no good to anyone.”

    Which is a quicker way of saying if you don’t take of your needs, you won’t be ABLE to be there for someone else when you really want to be. Being able to decide where we put our energy is as essential as being able to decide what we do with our bodies and the things that go into or come out of them, which gets lost sometimes in the pro-choice/anti-choice chanting sometimes. As someone in no danger of getting accidentally pregnant or having a ticking biological clock, I feel like I see beyond the immediacy of “our bodies our choice” to “our selves our choice” and the need for a more whole approach to fighting for our right to exist.

    Yep, first time commenter, and very appreciative of the great words that get wafted (okay, sometimes lobbed) my way via this site.

    1. @Jbabs,

      I don’t think you intented it this, but that came across as highly condescending. You might want to consider that biological clocks do not make women more or less focused on their bodies. And that its socialization not biology that asks women to give more. Perhaps helping the women in your life by sharing the burdens of community would be a more appropriate response.

  29. This is like a weird, awesome twilight zone because my dog totally looks like your Chi, and my dog (Macy!) has been helping me lately realize I need to care better care of me and us! Thanks!

  30. Caroline: This is like a weird, awesome twilight zone because my dog totally looks like your Chi, and my dog (Macy!) has been helping me lately realize I need to care better care of me and us! Thanks!

    I think our dogs have evolved for maximum cuteness. Its a very cute form factor.

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