Babies. Aren’t they great? They’re great. Which is why in my spare time, I go around putting up billboards of myself, holding a black shadow where a baby should be, with the text “This Would Have Been A Picture Of My 2-month Old Baby If The Father Had Decided To Not REFUSE TO LET OUR CHILD BE CONCEIVED!”
Just the nice, normal aftermath of what was for the most part a nice, normal relationship until I wanted a baby and my bitch of a boyfriend wouldn’t impregnate me, so I started an organization called D.A.R.E.L.L. (Daughters of the American Revolution Embrace Loving Life), dedicated to him. I do not deny that he was a man named Darell. I didn’t create this organization out of spite or attack. I only created it to let the world know that Darell is a killer, who sometimes would choose to ejaculate into a towel, or sometimes a sock, or sometimes even his own hand, for fun instead of to make a baby with me. My only option was to put up a billboard explaining everything; Darell left me with no other choice. But let me be clear that there are no names of people on this billboard; just the name of an organization.
Since I put up this billboard, boys have stopped asking me out. I don’t know why. It’s weird, and confusing. Thankfully, I’ve found a kindred spirit in New Mexico pro-lifer Greg A. Fultz:
The billboard depicts an Alamogordo businessman, GEFNET owner Greg A. Fultz, holding what appears to be an outlined baby in his arms as he is looking down at it. Next to the picture, in large print, is the statement, “This Would Have Been A Picture Of My 2-month Old Baby If The Mother Had Decided To Not KILL Our Child! [sic].”
Fultz, 35, said he created the organization, National Association of Needed Information (N.A.N.I.), to dispense his pro-life message.
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Fultz said he was inspired to create N.A.N.I. by an event that happened to him.
“All organizations have a meaning behind them,” he said. “I do not deny that she (a woman named Nani) was the catalyst behind creating this organization. The letters of her name are there for the meaning of value for the reason it was created. It was not created out of spite or out of attack. It’s a meaning for a story for the reason why the group was created.”
Fultz said he was in a relationship with a woman about 1 1/2 years ago.
“There was a pregnancy, then there wasn’t,” he said, “with a woman named Nani. I started my pro-life work because I don’t know if it was a miscarriage or an abortion. If it was an abortion, my work is set out to prevent this from happening to somebody else. My goal is to try to change one person’s mind when it comes to abortion and let the baby live. The billboard stands alone. There are no names of people; just an organization.”
Fultz said he would only state that Nani is under the age of 21.
“She was of legal age and consenting.” he said. “I have contacted my congressman and representative about a new bill … and lobby to get started on fathers’ rights. It’s my belief that fathers should have a say regarding pregnancy. Women have all the power when it comes to pregnancy. The men get no say when a woman wants to go and have an abortion without the say of the father. I believe that is wrong because men are 50 percent of the result of the pregnancy. They should have an equal right to their unborn child and decisions regarding it.”
Absolutely nothing questionable about this man. No reason to think that he’s a walking representation of the pro-life movement’s obsession with controlling women. No reason to bat an eye at the fact that a 35-year-old man was dating someone “under 21,” and when she got pregnant and no baby resulted — he’s not sure if there was an abortion or a miscarriage or how these things work, whatever, pregnancy is weird — he thought it was a totally logical and reasonable response to put up a billboard about her. Who among us wouldn’t have reacted the same way?
I think we could have a really beautiful life together, me and Greg, since I assume because the pregnancy is 50% his, he’s happy to do 50% of the work of pregnancy. That means he’ll take as much time off from work as I do, right? And he’ll gain between 30 and 80 pounds in a few months? And if I start to have, say, preeclampsia, we’ll be sure to also raise his blood pressure to dangerously high levels until he almost dies. That if I give birth via c-section, he’ll allow doctors to cut open his gut and scoop out what’s in there. And that if I give birth vaginally, we’ll figure out some way for him to push a bowling ball out of his ass. Equal rights, and equal burdens!
Greg, I’m single! Call me!