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Bitches Acting Crazy

Jill

Rich Santos has observed a phenomena: Sometimes, bitches be crazy. I know, such an usual thing for someone to write about or say out loud! Definitely not something I’ve heard before. So why, Rich, do women act so crazy all the time?

She Was Hungry
Something happens to women when they get hungry: They mutate into evil, cranky beings. In fact, many women I’ve dated have completely broken down immediately after the onset of hunger. But what baffles me is that even though a woman may be low on energy and dysfunctional while hungry, she still manages to find the strength to lash out.

Ok, that one is actually true.

She Was Tired
For some reason, when the gal I’m with is tired, everything I say suddenly becomes annoying and every joke I make falls flat. What’s the deal?

Haha oh Rich. She is too tired to humor you.

She Was PMSing
No questions asked, if a man blames anything on PMS, he gets in trouble. But if a woman blames something on PMS, the man gets in trouble for not accepting it as a valid excuse. I know we can’t control our hormones, so I guess I understand where this one’s coming from. But I’m still scared when a woman is on a PMS tear. One night I was at a girl’s place and I heard stuff flying in the other room — her roommate was clearly throwing things at her boyfriend. I asked what was going on and the girl I was with casually said, without looking up: “She’s just PMSing.” I wish we could harness this energy and anger of PMSing women for the power of good.

She Couldn’t Find Anything To Wear
I remember getting my butt kicked because the girl I was seeing couldn’t find anything to wear. If you ask me, “I can’t find anything to wear” is the woman’s ultimate excuse, and it seems (to her) to be a perfect justification for why she was mean. It basically puts a guy on notice that crankiness, meanness and insanity can come out nowhere like a summer storm.

She Was Stressed Because It Her Birthday
Why do women feel so overwhelmed by their birthdays? I was watching the Bethenny Show on Bravo (I admit it), and I watched her stress about her birthday for an entire episode, only to spend the majority of her actual birthday party crying in the bathroom. (Guess this is the extreme interpretation of “It’s my party and I’ll cry if I want to?”).

Ah women. Can’t live with ’em, can’t shoot ’em!

via.

63 thoughts on Bitches Acting Crazy

  2. Men never get cranky when we’re hungry, have no clean/acceptable clothes, aren’t feeling well, or are facing a personal milestone. We’re fucking joyous rainbows of puppies and unicorns at all time. Besides, of course, when we’re confused by women.

  3. Oy.

    Yeah. I get fucking snarly when I’m hungry. I’m sure this is not limited to women, however.

    Tired: again.. not limited.

    PMS: Double shot of suck. Cramps suck, crying on a dime sucks, being constantly hungry (see point A) sucks. Being arbitrarily too fat for your pants all of a sudden sucks. Know what else sucks? Having your concerns, dissent, and righteous anger any other given time of the month dismissed as PMS also sucks. Get a fucking calendar.

    Nothing to wear. Hmm. I got nothing here. Maybe your girlfriend just doesn’t like you Rick. Or maybe she’s getting sick of the dramatic sighs and ‘oh, aren’t you ready YET??’ *tapping foot*

    Birthday. Oh, I don’t know. Maybe it’s Western cultures constant emphasis on the need to stay youthful, pretty, slim AT ALL TIMES. I know that makes me pretty snarly.

  5. I used to cry in the bathroom at birthdays! That was because, you know, I had mild social anxiety and crowds of people paying attention to me were actually the most terrifying thing ever.

    The bitches who be crazy: they might actually, you know, be crazy! Weeeeird.

  6. Bleargh. Why is this news? This was tired when vaudeville comedians used to bust it out to liven up a dead crowd, except they didn’t know about PMS so they chalked it up to overactive ovaries and fallopian tube tension. Sigh.

    Funny how the-socially-identified-construction-of-women need all these excuses for venting or expressing negative emotion (it’s weird how often I feel like I have to explain why I don’t feel like talking/smiling/going out/staying in/making nice/fighting) while the-socially-identified-construction-of-men just….goes about its business, communicating or not communicating, and nobody feels the need to rush out and slap a diagnosis on it.

  7. I wish we could harness this energy and anger of PMSing women for the power of good.

    This actually sounds like a great idea! Let’s use our anger for, you know, feminist revolution or something!

  9. Someone techier than me ought to embed Leslie Knope’s hilarious (and sarcastic!) list of excuses why she shot Ron Swanson in the face on an episode of “Parks & Recreation.” Wasn’t one of the “I just felt fat today” ?

  10. Leslie Knope: [giving excuses why she shot Ron Swanson to the Park Ranger, each excuse is punctuated by a quick cut to another excuse]: I got that tunnel vision that girls get. I let my emotions get the best of me. I cared too much, I guess. I was thinking with my lady parts. I was walking and it felt icky. I thought there was gonna be chocolate. I don’t even remember! I’m wearing a new bra, and it closes in the front, so it popped open and it threw me off. All I wanna do is have babies! I’m just going through a thing right now. I guess when my life is incomplete, I wanna just shoot someone. This would not happen if I had a penis! Bitches be crazy. I’m good at tolerating pain; I’m bad at math, and… I’m stupid.

  14. I spent several moments thinking, “Why the fark would a man running for president write such a thing??”

    And then realized it said “Rich Santos” and not “Rick Santorum.”

    Yay for reading comprehension!

  15. “She Was Hungry/Tired” – I am gasping–gasping!–at this. Women are physical beings with physical needs that, when unfilled, may be at less than their most joyous and pleasant? God, what would become of the world if men were to experience the same thing? It’s, like, unthinkable. It’d be like 2012 met Knowing. All the time.

    “She Was PMSing […] I asked what was going on and the girl I was with casually said, without looking up: “She’s just PMSing.”” – I like this one because women can never, ever be misogynist. If a woman says she or someone else was just PMSing? Gospel truth, always and forever, in every once and future circumstance. Feel free to ride that sucker til the wheels fall off.

    “She Was Stressed Because It Her Birthday” – Did she, uh, you know, wind up having to do all or most of the planning/work for all the events that revolved around it? Because I hear that can be kind of a mood-killer sometimes, especially if it’s the sort of birthday that brings you closer to that dreaded Expiration Date after which you might as well just go kill yourself. I mean, it’s like asking cows to celebrate hamburger day, mirite?

    “She Couldn’t Find Anything To Wear” – I have this awesome mental picture of Rich Santos, Boyfriend Extraordinaire, assuring his poor, ridiculous, womanish girlfriend that it’s totes okay if she wears her torn-up jeans, work boots, and “I’m with Stupid” shirt to his sister’s wedding, and that the really important thing to everyone is that she’s there in the first place.

  16. “I spent several moments thinking, “Why the fark would a man running for president write such a thing??”

    And then realized it said “Rich Santos” and not “Rick Santorum.””

    To be perfectly fair to all involved, Rick Santorum has written some godawfully ridiculous things in his time.

  17. ozymandias:
    I used to cry in the bathroom at birthdays! That was because, you know, I had mild social anxiety and crowds of people paying attention to me were actually the most terrifying thing ever.

    oh man me too. My wedding was a NIGHTMARE for this reason. If I got a do-over I’d totally elope. Save myself a couple panic attacks.

  19. I’m curious as to why he actually asked any questions in the article, since he clearly has all the answers already figured out.

  20. To be perfectly fair to all involved, Rick Santorum has written some godawfully ridiculous things in his time.

    This is true and the reason that I sat staring quizzically at my screen for several minutes. 🙂

  21. Hey, maybe if women weren’t expected to permanently be running a caloric deficit, we wouldn’t be cranky from hunger so often!

    But of course, actually eating enough to fuel our bodies might make us into FATTY FAT FATASSES, and what man would want us then, amirite?

  22. I mean, it’s like asking cows to celebrate hamburger day, mirite?

    Ha! Cute!

    (That’s all I got.)

  23. Bex:
    Hey, maybe if women weren’t expected to permanently be running a caloric deficit, we wouldn’t be cranky from hunger so often!

    But of course, actually eating enough to fuel our bodies might make us into FATTY FAT FATASSES, and what man would want us then, amirite?

    This is what I love about Rich Santos-type brodudes! The blatant hypocrisy and conflicting standards for how women should act. Eat more than just a salad, or you’ll be hungry later and lash out at me! But seriously, eat a salad or else you’ll get fat and I’ll think that’s gross and then you’ll lash out at me when you take forever to find something to wear because you feel fat!

  24. I’m going to go with, yes, my life is my party, and I *can* cry if I goddamned well please.

  25. Shorter Rich Santos: Why isn’t she a docile, quiet little flower who work to make /me/ feel better and brighten /my/ day every waking moment of her life and never ever criticizes or gets mad at me! Doesn’t she know her world should revolve around me?!!!!!! That’s All I Ask!

    Also, about the PMS thing. Making jokes about how PMS makes women mentally unstable.. or say.. using it to shut women up when you feel they aren’t being nice enough to you (usually when you’re being an asshole.. like joking about how pms makes women mentally unstable) while expecting her to attend to /your/ precious fee-fees (which oddly you seem to value /more than hers/) does not give you the right to even pretend you don’t understand why they’re mad at you. Maybe Rich (and men who agree with him) being an epic asshole is the reason for the women being so crazy. x.x

  26. Santos thinks he figured out the H.A.L.T. acronym on his own. We need to modify it to “don’t argue if you’re Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired, or Rich Santos” except it messes up the lovely acronym.

  27. I relayed this latest Rich Santos nonsense to the boyfriend and he says when Rich Santos gets a job deadline he turns into a douchey asshole. Hey, by Rich’s logic, the same rule then applies to every single man, right?

  28. I just feel sorry for all the women who have to put up with this asshole in their daily lives. >_<; Seriously, dude, humans have needs. We get cranky. I guarantee you're irritating and irrational sometimes too, bro. Maybe even when you're hungry.

  29. I feel sorry for all the women who have to make excuses around Rich Santos because they think it would be impolite to tell him “I am mad because you are an asshole”.

  30. @Pidgey, that’s exactly what I was thinking. The title might as well be “Excuses Women Use to Avoid Me, Rich Santos.”

    When will he catch on?

  31. Nimue– Oh God, I didn’t even think about my wedding. Admittedly I’m nineteen so I don’t have to worry about it for a while, but there are going to be crowds of people staring at me and I can’t elope because my family is expecting a nice wedding and… goddammit, brain.

  32. I remember planning my wedding. I am never planning any sort of party again, no matter what, because it turns out I can’t plan that shit. There was also the social anxiety thing.

  33. Bex writes:

    maybe if women weren’t expected to permanently be running a caloric deficit, we wouldn’t be cranky from hunger so often!

    That. When I was living on 400 calories a day, I was a wild windstorm of random, horrible moods.

  34. I think the main reason women suddenly snap when they are hungry, tired, having hormonal issues, or just having a bad day is from the pressure of keeping a happy face on all the rest of the time and never admitting to how angry the world makes them. If they were allowed to just shit all over anyone else any time they wanted to, they might manage to stay on an even keel, just like men…

    …oh, wait, except that you can’t call people who just shit all over anyone else any time they feel like it “on an even keel”, now can you.

    The reason the question is asked, “why do women sometimes act crazy?” is that it is considered utterly normal for men to behave in extreme and irrational ways because of their emotions… which are then defined as “not emotions”. Yes, pride, lust, jealousy and anger are not emotions, they are rationality! You heard it here first!

  35. @Pidgey, that’s exactly what I was thinking. The title might as well be “Excuses Women Use to Avoid Me, Rich Santos.”

    When will he catch on?

    Whatever are you talking about? All those girls Rich Santos tried to ask out honestly already had boyfriends. And just wanted to be friends. And were gay. All with each other. And gave him the wrong number accidentally. And had to wash their hair. Duh.

    But yah, this is pretty much a list of alternating “people are organisms!” and “misogyny is awesome!” blurbs. My mom gets cranky when she’s hungry, I (a cis woman) do not, my little sister does… it aaalmost makes we want to speculate that women are individuals, but that’s really crazy talk! :p

  36. Newsflash – Women are people, and I as a man find that terribly inconvenient. When are we going to be able to replace them with robots that fire bullets out of their boobs like in Austin Powers?

    PS – Happy Mother’s Day, Mom.

  37. How are those bras that clasp at the front? Never had one and thinking about switching. Having to turn it around the front to clasp it and then swing it back into position is annoying.

  38. Nahida:
    How are those bras that clasp at the front? Never had one and thinking about switching. Having to turn it around the front to clasp it and then swing it back into position is annoying.

    If you can get the ones with the two plastic bits that slide and then snap together, they’re cool because when you undo them it’s like ‘bing!’ done.

    My main complaint about front clasping bras is they seem to tangle easier.

  40. RE Front clasping bras – I like them. Partly because quite a few of them seem to come with a racerback, which can be comfier than a regular back for busty women, and which is definitely comfier when doing anything athletic. I wear mine to play tennis in – maximises range of motion if you’re swinging your arms around. I’ve found that they can be very cleavage-y though, so just FYI if that’s not a look you like.

  42. Nahida:
    How are those bras that clasp at the front? Never had one and thinking about switching. Having to turn it around the front to clasp it and then swing it back into position is annoying.

    I loved those things. They need to make them in larger sizes. The only bad thing is that you can’t adjust the band size.

  43. CassandraSays:
    RE Front clasping bras – I like them. Partly because quite a few of them seem to come with a racerback, which can be comfier than a regular back for busty women, and which is definitely comfier when doing anything athletic. I wear mine to play tennis in – maximises range of motion if you’re swinging your arms around. I’ve found that they can be very cleavage-y though, so just FYI if that’s not a look you like.

    Can I ask where you find racerback bras for busty women? I used to love them as I felt they offered more support (back when I was probably wearing the wrong size), but I can’t find racerbacks anywhere that currently carries brands in my size.

  44. @Nahida, I’m a small-boobed person and I like them a lot. Also, when I make out with boys, there’s like a 50-50 shot they’re like, WTF is this? Did this go over your head this morning?

  45. She Was Hungry
    Something happens to women when they get hungry: They mutate into evil, cranky beings….

    She Was Tired
    For some reason, when the gal I’m with is tired, everything I say suddenly becomes annoying and every joke I make falls flat….

    O.

    M.

    G.

    Sometimes, I have inklings of wanting to put my needs first.

    I am terrible and will stop now.

    She Was PMSing… I wish we could harness this energy and anger of PMSing women for the power of good.

    Just… eff that. I wish I could stop the pain and immobility that happens with my period (also the vomit; I am getting tired of the vomit), even if it meant the Power of Good was not so strong in the world.

    PS, Rich — Do you know why I get to be the arbiter of why I’m experiencing what I’m experiencing? Because I’m the one living in my body, fuckyouverymuch.

  48. @ Tori – Depends how busty. Freya has occasionally made some, I believe, and they specialise in D cup and above. My favorite one a while back was made by Felina and went up to a DD (but ran a little big, so still fit E cup me).

    My first port of call for bras is always http://www.bravissimo.com. From there you can usually find a brand and style and then find it cheaper somewhere else, but if cost isn’t an issue, bravissimo is definitely the best one-stop resource for busty women.

  49. You know, I had friend tell me about this column. My friend actually emailed the author (only the second times she’s ever done that) because she was so offended. He wrote back, apologizing and promised to do a counter-piece on when guys are irritable. Having read about this guy before here, I told her that I didn’t expect the other piece would make her feel any better.

  50. Because my partner who’s a man never gets grumpy when he’s hungry or tired or stressed out about stuff or feels physically ill/headachy/otherwise like crap.

    Oh wait, yes he does.

    Sorry, men and women (cis- and trans-) aren’t that super different about when they get grumpy. Your gender may affect what is stressing you out or making you feel physically like crap that day, though.

  51. I love racerbacks. And I’m only a 30B. I could write poetry about racerbacks.

    Please do!

  52. Huh. In this house I can go all day without eating and be just fine, but my husband gets very snarly if he hasn’t eaten. Apparently he’s a woman and I’m a man. Who knew?

  53. I am a total bitch when hungry… although I think it probably has more to do with my undiagnosed hypoglycemia than my diagnosed uterus.

  54. “Having read about this guy before here, I told her that I didn’t expect the other piece would make her feel any better.”

    It will probably be six times when those car-raaaaaaaazy women make men grumpy.

  55. You know what really makes me cranky when I’m hungry? Being ignored. I can maintain the “required” amount of civility as long as I feel that those around me have acknowledged the issue and that reasonable steps have been taken to obtain food sometime in the near future. However, if I’m currently with my husband and can’t easily extract myself to obtain food on my own, you better believe he’ll get an earful if he keeps ignoring my requests for food.

    How much you want to bet that Rich tend to ignore more polite requests for sustinence from the women around him?

  56. @Kierra I totally know that feeling! My last boyfriend’s sister got married on my birthday one year, and the day before was packed with all sorts of pre-wedding stuff like mani/pedis and arm-hair bleaching, and lots of women I didn’t know doing beauty things I didn’t get–all without the benefit of any food at all…all day long. I wanted to go with the boys who went out to breakfast and then to the racetrack for the day (horses>wedding stuffs).

    By the time we got back to the hotel at eight that night, I hadn’t eaten more than a handful of grapes and some cheese and crackers and I could barely speak civilly to those around me but had to be nice because bf’sfamily/wedding/strangers. Cut to the family hotel suite–where they’d planned me a surprise party. It was really sweet, except now I was migraine-y from lack of food, irritable in a nuclear sort of way, and NOW had to be even nicer and sweeter because all eyes were on me.

  57. ozymandias:
    I used to cry in the bathroom at birthdays! That was because, you know, I had mild social anxiety and crowds of people paying attention to me were actually the most terrifying thing ever.

    The bitches who be crazy: they might actually, you know, be crazy! Weeeeird.

    Thank you.

  59. gretchen:
    ….. than my diagnosed uterus.

    BLAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

    *puts on labcoat, looks at you solemnly over a clipboard* Gretchen, I have some terrible news…

  60. For those with hormonal issues…please make an appointment to see your doctor. Get checked for endometriosis and other possible physical reasons for the debilitating cramps. There are good medications out there to help. Birth control pills are just one solution. If your doctor won’t take your hormonal concerns seriously, then fire the doctor and go elsewhere.

    As for racerback bras…please check out Decent Exposures at: http://www.decentexposures.com/bra.shtml. I’ve been using them for a few years now. You can get bras in virtually any size. FYI: larger breasted women might want to consider having them lined for added support. Ditch the clasp and underwire. Go comfy!

    One of the joys of getting older is knowing there are always options out there.

  62. 1. If a man or a woman becomes abusive when hungry they are:
    a) an abusive jerk with a good excuse.
    b) In need of medical attention (could be related to pre diabetes)

    2. If a women become abusive during her period she is either:
    a) And abusive jerk with a good excuse (like any one trowing thinks at you is a jail deserving case of Domestic abuse).
    b) In need of medical attention: She could have Premenstrual dystrophic disorder.

    3. If a men says that a women is PMS to explain her ager he:
    a) It’s a condescending jerk that don’t like to be call out about HIS behavior.
    b) A victim of abuse that believed some abusive female jerk.
    c) An Idiot that probably believe on Santa too.
    d) A not so funny comedian trying to do a point, blind to the fact that women get dismiss as emotional all the time.

  63. My guy friend had mild food poisoning a while ago and when he described his symptoms they were almost exactly the stereotype of PMS: upset stomach, headache, bloat, fatigue, etc. He was incapacitated for the whole day and complained approximately once per hour (standard deviation 15 mins). I can’t help thinking a few things: 1. Try doing this once a month, and 2. Try having to hide it and 3. Gawd, you’re so irritable right now; you probably want like chocolate or something.

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